Nurses struggling with mental illness

[Severina]

I was just wondering if there are any other nurses who struggle with mental illness. It seems to be one disability that is met with little tolerance and support in the medical field. I do have major co-morbid mental illness, Major depression/PTSD/DID, and have had many problems in my career. I have been in therapy and on meds for a long time and have worked very hard to be functional, and I have suprised myself by what I have been able to achieve. Currently, I am a hospice nurse in a residential setting and it seems that I have found my niche. It doesn't aggravate my illness too much. I am very busy at times and most of my job revolves in much cognitive thinking and decision making about the best ways to respond to a patient's emerging or existing symptoms, and in assessing patients to see where they are in the dying process, plus lots of educating to patients and families. My extensive personal trauma background has made me able to have a different perspective on death and don't see it as the scary thing that is SO SAD, that a lot of people do. Plus, because of the things that I have been through, I am more able to be compassionate and understanding of patients and their fears. I especially do well with patients with existing mental illness or lots of anxiety. I notice that a lot of nurses have little tolerance for a patients anxiety and are not willing to take the extra time to walk them through things and provide the extra reassurance that they need.

Yes, there are some nursing jobs that I don't think I would be able to do because of the fast on the spot life and death action necessary. ER and Trauma/Burn are pretty much out for me. But thats OK. A lot of nurses couldn't handle doing what I do either for their own reasons. We are all suited to certain things.

Having mental illness doesn't automatically make you unsuited for the nursing profession. Even though I have heard many times, "what are you doing here?" "Shouldn't you be doing something else, less stressful?"

I am here and am doing the thing I am suited for. Yes sometimes I have to take time off due to my illness, but its no different than somone who has flare ups of a chronic physical illness like lupus, chronic fatigue, or fibromyalgia.

I would like to know how other nurses have coped with their own illness and their nursing careers.

Severina

[sharona97, BSN, RN]

hello everyone!

i have been reading this thread and trying to gain some insight of what to expect because i am hoping to start school to become a nurse. i have been so excited about this endeavor because i believe i am finally at a place mentally where i can accomplish schooling.

i am bipolar, i have essentially known this for the last 20 yrs. and i was formally diagnosed many times and refused to accept the reality of the diagnosis because i would have long stretches of what i thought was normal behavior and i just figured that when life got messy so did my moods. i thought this was normal for everyone so, i figured the doctors were wrong and became defiant at their diagnosis because i knew better. i had complete control or so i thought.

well, things got really ugly for me and i went thru a few years with numerous triggers and was all over the place. i knew in the back of my mind that there was a real issue at hand, but i chose to drink it away. as i learn now, this is very typical bipolar behavior. i was only prolonging the madness.

i eventually went to aa and became sober which i have almost 1 yr. now. big deal for me because it is the longest stretch of any sobriety i have ever had. i am really grateful for the program because i finally got the courage to address my mi and in a sense embrace it as a part of me. i started therapy and meds just shortly after getting sober. it has not been fun as i have suffered some serious side effects and significant over-medication at the hands of a really careless doctor. i went off all my meds in december and crashed pretty hard. i slowly started getting meds back on board after i made it clear to my doctor that i was going to be a participant in my care and was not going to accept medications that i felt uncomfortable on. ( i have since changed doctors and reported my previous doctor's negligence in treating me )

so, anyway with my head clear, i started believing i could finally pursue my dream of becoming a nurse. ( i have started this process 3 times and dropped out of school before making any significant headway in my education ) i started to get my ducks in a row, researching schools, getting fa, etc. everything seemed to be going well and my moods are stable for the most part so i started to gain confidence.

the other night i decided to research my schools of choice and make sure i understood fully the pre-reqs req. so i could plan accordingly. well, low and behold i read that if i have been treated for a mi in the last 5 yrs, i must be reviewed by the bon before even starting the program. to be honest, my heart sunk when reading that. i spent so many years hiding in the shadows from my mi for this very reason alone, to not be scrutinized. i am finally willing and commited to my treatment and now i have to be put on display to be judged. very heart-breaking and humiliating. i don't know what to do.

all i can think about is whether to hide my mi or be strong and take whatever i have to take to accomplish my dreams. right now, i am a little on the manic side as i am adjusting to new meds and so all i can do is obsess over this.

i know i am rather long-winded but, i guess i just wanted to vent my frustrations and reading this thread has been very encouraging. although, i am still unsure whether to disclose or not.

thanks for reading, hopefully i will find the right solution for me. i really want to be a nurse, i have wanted it all my life. i don't want to see this crumble before it starts. guess i just need some encouragement.

hi there, i totally agree with zoey. starting with general classes will test your endurance and confidence. don't give up your hope and dreams of education. i wish you the best luck in any and all endeavors you pursue.

[woody62, RN]

hello everyone!

i have been reading this thread and trying to gain some insight of what to expect because i am hoping to start school to become a nurse. i have been so excited about this endeavor because i believe i am finally at a place mentally where i can accomplish schooling.

i am bipolar, i have essentially known this for the last 20 yrs. and i was formally diagnosed many times and refused to accept the reality of the diagnosis because i would have long stretches of what i thought was normal behavior and i just figured that when life got messy so did my moods. i thought this was normal for everyone so, i figured the doctors were wrong and became defiant at their diagnosis because i knew better. i had complete control or so i thought.

well, things got really ugly for me and i went thru a few years with numerous triggers and was all over the place. i knew in the back of my mind that there was a real issue at hand, but i chose to drink it away. as i learn now, this is very typical bipolar behavior. i was only prolonging the madness.

i eventually went to aa and became sober which i have almost 1 yr. now. big deal for me because it is the longest stretch of any sobriety i have ever had. i am really grateful for the program because i finally got the courage to address my mi and in a sense embrace it as a part of me. i started therapy and meds just shortly after getting sober. it has not been fun as i have suffered some serious side effects and significant over-medication at the hands of a really careless doctor. i went off all my meds in december and crashed pretty hard. i slowly started getting meds back on board after i made it clear to my doctor that i was going to be a participant in my care and was not going to accept medications that i felt uncomfortable on. ( i have since changed doctors and reported my previous doctor's negligence in treating me )

so, anyway with my head clear, i started believing i could finally pursue my dream of becoming a nurse. ( i have started this process 3 times and dropped out of school before making any significant headway in my education ) i started to get my ducks in a row, researching schools, getting fa, etc. everything seemed to be going well and my moods are stable for the most part so i started to gain confidence.

the other night i decided to research my schools of choice and make sure i understood fully the pre-reqs req. so i could plan accordingly. well, low and behold i read that if i have been treated for a mi in the last 5 yrs, i must be reviewed by the bon before even starting the program. to be honest, my heart sunk when reading that. i spent so many years hiding in the shadows from my mi for this very reason alone, to not be scrutinized. i am finally willing and commited to my treatment and now i have to be put on display to be judged. very heart-breaking and humiliating. i don't know what to do.

all i can think about is whether to hide my mi or be strong and take whatever i have to take to accomplish my dreams. right now, i am a little on the manic side as i am adjusting to new meds and so all i can do is obsess over this.

i know i am rather long-winded but, i guess i just wanted to vent my frustrations and reading this thread has been very encouraging. although, i am still unsure whether to disclose or not.

thanks for reading, hopefully i will find the right solution for me. i really want to be a nurse, i have wanted it all my life. i don't want to see this crumble before it starts. guess i just need some encouragement.

i enter a diploma program in 1964. in 1967 i suffered a depressive episode and was hospitalized over night, released to my parents and went on a ten month leave. to make a long story short, i never returned and got a lpn license and started to work. i did return to a two year program, in 1967 and did not tell my program of my previous history. when i finally did my psych rotation, i had problems and went to the instructor and deparment chairman. they were very understanding, made so adjustments ofr me and i completed the program. i went on to get a bsn and a ms and never disclosed my history. in 1976 i was finally correctly diagnosed with bipolar disorder. since then, i have never hidden my history. i have not been hospitalized for it since 1995, so any state bon that wants such information, would have to be able to provide the exact law regarding me having to disclose my hisotry.

if a state bon requires disclosure, you best disclose. it is done to protect patients and to protect you. people have a tendency to deny their own illness. and some tend to take themselves off medications with bad outcomes. my advice, when directly asked, give an honest reply. you should disclose to your program chairman, you may need her help at some point.

woody:twocents:

[rachael75240]

:yeah:I'm so glad I ran across this tread since I had been declared bipolar when I was 15 and took medication for a year afterwards. I have since terminated all use of medications because the side-effects and the fact I do not have insurance. Since I was so young at the time, the aftermath of quiting the medication I was on (Zoloft) made it nearly impossible to function for years afterward. Now, however, (with the exception of a few months out of the year), I function normally, but because of the turbulent time I had after discontinuing, I will not attempt to get back on anything.

Anyways, I am about to finish up my associates and I'm planning on applying at some BSN programs, but I had been skeptical of whether they would ever even accept someone with a mental illness in the first place. I'm really glad to see others who are succeeding in their endeavors and are able to succeed in their careers since this is the first real time I've been committed to an educational goal and it really inspires me. I had gone to school for music once before and didn't really push myself and always had dougts on whether I should persue and finally quit going to school for a while. Persuing the nursing profession has given me a tremendous amount of direction in my life and I can't wait to get out their and start making a difference in other's lives.

[Liddle Noodnik]

:yeah:I'm so glad I ran across this tread since I had been declared bipolar when I was 15 and took medication for a year afterwards....Persuing the nursing profession has given me a tremendous amount of direction in my life and I can't wait to get out their and start making a difference in other's lives.

Hi Rachael good luck and I hope it works out for you!!

[Owney]

My Dear Colleagues,

In 1976 I obtained a bachelor of arts degree from San Diego State University, with emphases in developmental, personality, abnormal, and industrial psychology. When I studied psychology at State, manic-depressive disorder was characterized as either neurosis or psychosis, the difference being either the knowledge of reality in the former, and the absence of such knowledge in the latter. Electing not to attend graduate school, and finding a soft employment market in San Diego, I relocated to my home town where my mother and sister both had administrative positions in the state mental health system. I was soon working on a locked adolescent and children's ward of an inpatient mental health facility.

I attended Wayne County Community College and obtained an Associate of Science in Nursing in 1981, and went to work in the emergency department at Detroit Receiving Hospital. Since we were also the psychiatric crisis center for all of the city, I had many encounters with that department, as all incoming patients with medical problems had to be cleared by us prior to evaluation by them.

On the day I graduated from State I realized that my psychology education began to become obsolete. Correct me if I am mistaken. It appears that manic-depressive disorder is now called bi-polar, and my psychiatric social worker friends tell me that bi-polar always means psychotic (not aware of reality) rather than mood swings which are more profound than "normal", but of which the sufferer is aware of reality at all times.

To me, such a widely held belief is further evidence of propaganda foisted upon psychiatrists by the drug companies (incidentally, when was the last time your psychiatrist suggested the trial of a new medication without handing you many "free" samples, which the "pusher" put in her/his closet?) I heard a report on the radio the other day (it may have been quoting last week's New England Journal of Medicine) citing a recent study suggesting that each new generation of psychotropic drugs is no more efficacious, has more side effects, and (surprise, surprise) costs many times more.

I recall that at our "capping" (completion of first year, 1980) and at our graduation, (1981), ceremonies someone read the fact that "nursing licensure in the State of Michigan may be impossible for anyone with a history of psychosis." I have known nurse colleagues who practiced on a "limited license" while rehabilitating from alcohol or other substance abuse. I knew another colleague who took herself away from bedside nursing after a traumatic brain injury.

Unlike the government and the insurance industry, I believe everyone should be entitled to affordable, effective, professional mental health. As soon as my boss "retired" me, years before I was ready, resulting in instant poverty and near-homelessness, I went to the closest community mental health facility that would take medicaid. Naturally when I told the intake social worker that I was drinking two 30-packs a week, I was labelled "alcoholic." Before I saw the psychiatrist I looked at my income (zero) and my beer tab ($2,000/year for the cheapest slop I could find) and stopping (cold turkey with no effects other than a clearer head and improved nutrition) was a no-brainer. As soon as the medical doctor read in my two-week old chart that I had a substance problem, what did he prescribe? More drugs! I really did give six different SSRIs and a "mood stabilizer" the honest try. Each time it was the same crap. I would reach a plateau for a week or so, and then it was right back to the same anxiety/depression. The only help for me was group sessions (if only to see that I was much better off than those crack-heads and drunks), and two-years' individual bi-weekly sessions with a clinical social worker.

Other than temporary chemical easement of disabling symptoms, anxiety, depression and bi-polar neurosis are only treatable by resolving the underlying cause, i.e. difficult adaptation to an adjustment disorder--loss of home, income, profession, loved-one, marriage, ect. The only mental illnesses in which drugs are essential are unreasoning psychoses, such as schizophrenia. and once these are chemically stabilized, adjunct talk therapy is absolutely essential.

As the holder of a college degree in psychology and years working with the mentally ill, I think I am in the position to know when "I ain't right!"

Owney:typing

[Liddle Noodnik]

a very interesting post, thank you. i am commenting below, i hope you don't mind me using your post as a springboard for addressing the general reader of this thread. it's not "just" addressed to you.

it appears that manic-depressive disorder is now called bi-polar, and my psychiatric social worker friends tell me that bi-polar always means psychotic (not aware of reality) rather than mood swings which are more profound than "normal", but of which the sufferer is aware of reality at all times.

i'm not so sure of this. most of the people i've dealt with do not have psychosis as part of their symptomology. i have had psychosis before. usually there is a part of me that knows it's not real (what i am thinking about what i think i am seeing or hearing... ). i think that in each instance the cause was medication!! and may well be with other patients, if looked into more closely.

to me, such a widely held belief is further evidence of propaganda foisted upon psychiatrists by the drug companies (incidentally, when was the last time your psychiatrist suggested the trial of a new medication without handing you many "free" samples, which the "pusher" put in her/his closet?) i heard a report on the radio the other day (it may have been quoting last week's new england journal of medicine) citing a recent study suggesting that each new generation of psychotropic drugs is no more efficacious, has more side effects, and (surprise, surprise) costs many times more.

samples are not as available as they used to be, but just by looking at the pens and pads of paper you can see that the drug reps are still heavily plying their trade. i imagine the "perks" are still there for the docs although perhaps not as visible?

i really did give six different ssris and a "mood stabilizer" the honest try. each time it was the same crap. i would reach a plateau for a week or so, and then it was right back to the same anxiety/depression. the only help for me was group sessions (if only to see that i was much better off than those crack-heads and drunks), and two-years' individual bi-weekly sessions with a clinical social worker.

not sure what you meant by "those" crack heads and drunks, what were you? (chuckle) not to knock you but one of the symptoms of alcoholism is that sense of "terminal uniqueness" lol... (hope you take this as it is intended - a bit of well-intentioned teasing ...)

anyway - i had similar experiences re the meds/treatment although i did have longer periods of stability than you before the effects would plateau or wear off, leading to higher doses or changes in med regime. sometimes the med regime was changed so rapidly that i got really really mentally ill... but somehow they never attributed it to the med changes. interesting eh? i did find group therapy and 12 step programs very helpful.

other than temporary chemical easement of disabling symptoms, anxiety, depression and bi-polar neurosis are only treatable by resolving the underlying cause, i.e. difficult adaptation to an adjustment disorder--loss of home, income, profession, loved-one, marriage, ect.

there's another factor which i have been addressing over the last 2 yrs which i have found helpful, see below.

as the holder of a college degree in psychology and years working with the mentally ill, i think i am in the position to know when "i ain't right!"

on one hand, i haven't "been right" since i was a young kid! i always felt that i had strange responses to life, but also that life had a strange response to me (lol).

couple of interesting resources follow. with or without the christian reference they do allude to what you said above; that "anxiety, depression and bi-polar neurosis are only treatable by resolving the underlying cause". i think one of the unaddressed causes of our mental distress is sin - wrongdoing, if people hate that "s" word. even in aa those "character defects" are addressed as an essential part of recovery. because what most psychiatrists and counselors fail to mention is that we not only feel guilt for things we have not done - believe it or not there is guilt for things that we have done. relationships we have hurt - things we have taken that don't belong to us (whether we've taken material objects, or "taken" people hostage to our uncontrolled behavior). any of us looking at the 10 commandments will find we have fallen short on one or two or more. i have found that dealing with these issues has helped my mental health tremendously.

two sites - these are radical especially in these modern, medical-model-oriented times, but i have found that there are bits that i can use to apply to my life. i have made enormous strides in my recovery since opening my heart to these possibilities. and (imho of course) god has made many necessary changes in my life. i'm still on meds, but not very much at all, and i think it is entirely possible for me to be without them someday.

******* i did not attempt any of this however on my own - have stuck w/ medical advisement and monitoring this whole time. i do not recommend people make any medication changes without md supervision ****

http://www.peacemakers.net/unity/adepressed.htm

http://www.psychologydebunked.com/

please, whoever reads this, take this as my personal experience and not as an edict or anything. it is just another resource, if you will. i'd be glad to address any of this in private message if people are interesting. ha ha, funny typo. i meant, interested.

thank you again for your post.

[sharona97, BSN, RN]

My Dear Colleagues,

In 1976 I obtained a bachelor of arts degree from San Diego State University, with emphases in developmental, personality, abnormal, and industrial psychology. When I studied psychology at State, manic-depressive disorder was characterized as either neurosis or psychosis, the difference being either the knowledge of reality in the former, and the absence of such knowledge in the latter. Electing not to attend graduate school, and finding a soft employment market in San Diego, I relocated to my home town where my mother and sister both had administrative positions in the state mental health system. I was soon working on a locked adolescent and children's ward of an inpatient mental health facility.

I attended Wayne County Community College and obtained an Associate of Science in Nursing in 1981, and went to work in the emergency department at Detroit Receiving Hospital. Since we were also the psychiatric crisis center for all of the city, I had many encounters with that department, as all incoming patients with medical problems had to be cleared by us prior to evaluation by them.

On the day I graduated from State I realized that my psychology education began to become obsolete. Correct me if I am mistaken. It appears that manic-depressive disorder is now called bi-polar, and my psychiatric social worker friends tell me that bi-polar always means psychotic (not aware of reality) rather than mood swings which are more profound than "normal", but of which the sufferer is aware of reality at all times.

To me, such a widely held belief is further evidence of propaganda foisted upon psychiatrists by the drug companies (incidentally, when was the last time your psychiatrist suggested the trial of a new medication without handing you many "free" samples, which the "pusher" put in her/his closet?) I heard a report on the radio the other day (it may have been quoting last week's New England Journal of Medicine) citing a recent study suggesting that each new generation of psychotropic drugs is no more efficacious, has more side effects, and (surprise, surprise) costs many times more.

I recall that at our "capping" (completion of first year, 1980) and at our graduation, (1981), ceremonies someone read the fact that "nursing licensure in the State of Michigan may be impossible for anyone with a history of psychosis." I have known nurse colleagues who practiced on a "limited license" while rehabilitating from alcohol or other substance abuse. I knew another colleague who took herself away from bedside nursing after a traumatic brain injury.

Unlike the government and the insurance industry, I believe everyone should be entitled to affordable, effective, professional mental health. As soon as my boss "retired" me, years before I was ready, resulting in instant poverty and near-homelessness, I went to the closest community mental health facility that would take medicaid. Naturally when I told the intake social worker that I was drinking two 30-packs a week, I was labelled "alcoholic." Before I saw the psychiatrist I looked at my income (zero) and my beer tab ($2,000/year for the cheapest slop I could find) and stopping (cold turkey with no effects other than a clearer head and improved nutrition) was a no-brainer. As soon as the medical doctor read in my two-week old chart that I had a substance problem, what did he prescribe? More drugs! I really did give six different SSRIs and a "mood stabilizer" the honest try. Each time it was the same crap. I would reach a plateau for a week or so, and then it was right back to the same anxiety/depression. The only help for me was group sessions (if only to see that I was much better off than those crack-heads and drunks), and two-years' individual bi-weekly sessions with a clinical social worker.

Other than temporary chemical easement of disabling symptoms, anxiety, depression and bi-polar neurosis are only treatable by resolving the underlying cause, i.e. difficult adaptation to an adjustment disorder--loss of home, income, profession, loved-one, marriage, ect. The only mental illnesses in which drugs are essential are unreasoning psychoses, such as schizophrenia. and once these are chemically stabilized, adjunct talk therapy is absolutely essential.

As the holder of a college degree in psychology and years working with the mentally ill, I think I am in the position to know when "I ain't right!"

Owney:typing

I hear you loud and clear. My only question is about the bi-polar vs manic depressive disorders. Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN explained their are V phases of the manic-depressive disorder. Which leads me to believe that possibly their is a slight difference between the two disorders.

I also agree strongly, not only with mental health isssues, but also addictive behaviors and such are done due to underlying causes that are masked with drugs, alcohol, bulemia, cutters etc. But I also agree the neuro-receptors we are born with can be genetically altered or drug-induced altered which perpectuates the disorders at and on different levels.

I'm not a psyche nurse, but I do have a family member in a pretty bad place at the moment. Like I told myself "as I watch your heart heal, mine is breaking". So difficult for these folks and then to work through their programs. I really enjoyed your post!

Sharona:nurse:

[sharona97, BSN, RN]

Hi Zoe,

When I first went to Mayo Clinic 3 years ago I was on TWENTY-FIVE prescribed meds. Yikes!!!!!!!!! I've experienced prednisone psychosis. After 6 weeks I left with 9 meds and now am on 5. (2 are for menopausl symptoms).

My son and I spoke for the first time in a long time at 1:30am 3 days ago, he was suicidal. Thank the Lord that I had just cleaned my clock the day before (lol) seiously tho, he called me and he's lived one serious attempt from 8 years ago.

Which leads me to the Al-Anon 12 step program I've worked on and off for 30 years. You're a blessing in diguise, quote from a Gram Parsons song! Another little Mantra for me is the new one tonight Iheard by poet Dylan Thomas: Happiness is as high as lonliness is long. Food for thought! Hope your doing better and feeling better.

[Liddle Noodnik]

... "as I watch your heart heal, mine is breaking".

WHOA what a quote - painful and very appropriate re watching our loved ones suffer

Hi Zoe,

When I first went to Mayo Clinic 3 years ago I was on TWENTY-FIVE prescribed meds. Yikes!!!!!!!!! I've experienced prednisone psychosis. After 6 weeks I left with 9 meds and now am on 5. (2 are for menopausl symptoms).

My son and I spoke for the first time in a long time at 1:30am 3 days ago, he was suicidal. Thank the Lord that I had just cleaned my clock the day before (lol) seiously tho, he called me and he's lived one serious attempt from 8 years ago.

Which leads me to the Al-Anon 12 step program I've worked on and off for 30 years. You're a blessing in diguise, quote from a Gram Parsons song! Another little Mantra for me is the new one tonight Iheard by poet Dylan Thomas: Happiness is as high as lonliness is long. Food for thought! Hope your doing better and feeling better.

Wow, ya think that was enough medication??? whoa!

Prednisone is something else - I can't get over the effects it has on some people - scary

((((((((( Sharona's ds )))))))) so sorry to hear this. Thank God he called you! Yes Alanon is invaluable - the way "we" want to help others can be counter-productive if we don't truly know what we are dealing w/, and if we have not taken care of our OWN garbage (it is messy when we mix it in w/ other people's).

Thank you for the sweet compliment - ((((((( Sharona )))) you are too and not in disguise either :) I like the quote about happiness too!

xo

[sharona97, BSN, RN]

Update: My ds is in a safe place, committed to becoming well and has started a med routine.

The greatest gift HE'S ALIVE!!!!!!! and our provider treating him is doing so free of charge. Thank You God!!!!!!

I wish all of you struggling some peace to start. And a Happy Mother's Day to all you mutha's!!!!!!

Sharona:D

[Liddle Noodnik]

Update: My ds is in a safe place, committed to becoming well and has started a med routine.

The greatest gift HE'S ALIVE!!!!!!! and our provider treating him is doing so free of charge. Thank You God!!!!!!

I wish all of you struggling some peace to start. And a Happy Mother's Day to all you mutha's!!!!!!

Sharona:D

Wow what a great mother's day present sharona!!! xoxoxo

[okie rn]

I just wanted to share some info. that I found when I was in nursing school.

Hope it helps. It made me feel better. It discusses Florence Nightingale and the belief that she suffered with Bipolar disorder.

It wouldn't let me paste the Http: so just look it up by the name of the article:

VA conference diagnosis Nightingale by Ben Karpf