Things you'd LOVE to be able to tell patients, and get away with it. - page 120

:spin:Just curious as to what you would say. Mine goes something like this: Hi, my name is AngelfireRN, I'll be your nurse tonight. I am not a waitress, nor am I your slave. Yelling... Read More

  1. by   jorjaRN
    It took me a week to get through the whole funny and great!

    Here are a "few" of mine:

    1. No, I will not fast push your Dilaudid undiluted. If you scream at me again about it, I'm diluting it in 10mLs instead of 5.

    2. If you are well enough to come out to the nurses station and scream at me about not getting your bath, you are well enough to use the supplies I placed in there earlier for you to use to BATHE YOURSELF. Especially since you're leaving today.

    3. How did you wipe your butt before you got here?

    4. Just because you have a call bell DOES NOT mean you have suddenly lost the ability to do anything for yourself.

    5. If you find it difficult to sleep here, are not comfortable in the recliner you're not supposed to be sleeping in, or are unhappy that the cafeteria is not opened at 3am when you "have the munchies", you can leave. You are a VISITOR, not a patient.

    6. I really am sorry that Mamma was on the bedside commode for fifteen minutes. You watched as I spent a half an hour in the middle of my med pass getting her on, off, and back on again as she pooped on the floor and my shoe. I asked you to ring the bell and someone would come in when she was done. Coming out into the hallway yelling "nurse" is not the same as ringing the bell, and is why someone who was not busy didn't know that you needed us. Go ahead and take down my name so you can report me.

    7. It does not require a RN to do a finger stick. In fact, the aide is probably better at it than I am, because she does at least 15 a day. But sure, I'll drop what I'm doing and come do it for you.

    8. No, I will not go downstairs and pick up the delivery you ordered. You are a diabetic and on a restricted diet. I'm sure it DOES taste gross, but maybe this would be a good chance to kick start your diet.

    9. STOP GETTING OUT OF BED. That annoying, high pitched loud beeping sound is going off becuase YOU'RE GETTING OUT OF BED.

    10. No, that person constantly with your roomate is not a private nurse the hosptial is providing because we like him better. It's someone watching him at all times to make sure he doesn't try to kill himself again.

    11. If I were trying to poison you, you'd be dead.

    12. How about this, since after 20 minutes of pillow fluffing you still aren't satifsied, let's try one right herrrre, over your face.

    13. If your pain is a 10/10 and you are asleep, we need to clone your DNA for our race of superhumans we're working on down in the lab.

    14. If you are that concerned that your newborn has no pacifiers, great, but you may not leave him in the nursery for hours at a time while you sleep. Especially since he is going through withdrawl from the Vicodin you were popping when you were pregnant.

    15. Yes, it is your fault that your baby was born at 28 weeks. It had something to do with the crack you were smoking.

    16. I'm sorry that the ER nurse "stepped on your buzz" by giving you Narcan. You were breathing about 4-6 times a minute when you were brought here in an ambulance. No, you don't have any Dilaudid ordered. Oh, you're nauseous after eating that MickeyDs your girlfriend brought you and would like some Phenergan? Of course you would. It's impressive that you asked for it by name.

    17. Nope, I'm definitely not pregnant. Guess I need to cut back on the sweets though.

    18. I probably look tired because I AM tired. I've been taking care of people like you for hours and it's the middle of the night. No, we're not allowed to take naps at the nurses station.

    19. Do you have any idea what kind of nasty germs live in hospitals? It really makes me question your intelligence to see you bring your newborn infant in here.

    20. Yes, I did go to college to do this. No, I do not think I should go back to school and become a doctor. I'm pretty happy "just" being a nurse.

    21. I will not get you another glass of water after you threw the last one at me.

    22. If you are going to refuse to comply with any treatment recommendations given to you, you will keep getting sick, and I will continue having to deal with you. It's not a conspiracy against you, trust me, we're sick of you.

    23. You don't have insurance, therefore my tax dollars are actually paying for all of your care here...why would we be performing uneccesary procedures on you "to get more money out of you"?

    24. You're crazy and so is your family. We can't wait for you to go home either. Unfortunately, the doctor decides that, not us. I know that the Super Bowl is Sunday, and you've told be multiple time you want to be home for it. Please, please sign out AMA.

    25. Are you trying to kill your friend's baby? We told you five times that if you go up to Peds to see your other friend's baby who has RSV that you cannot come back down here. You better believe I'm going to call security when I catch you trying to sneak back in to postpartum.

    Wow...that felt good. I had more of them than I thought, and I haven't even been a nurse for long
    Last edit by jorjaRN on Feb 6, '10
  2. by   baker1bv
    I work in an infusion clinic and for a infectious disease dr, so my rants are a little different, but I think anyone can relate.

    When I asked if you had any chronic health problems or you took any medications for any conditions you may have, that was I needed to know about your diabetes, or high blood pressure or kidney disease .etc, not a week after that fact.

    I don't care if you don't take insulin, you are still diabetic.

    It gives me an upset tummy is not an allergy.

    Yes, I am old enough to do this job, and be married, (the wedding band gives it away) and now you don't get to ask exactly how old I am, you wouldn't dare ask any other woman.

    No, thanks so much for asking, but I just going to have pass on dinner with you. I can read the chart, I know what you have.

    No, don't make me ask my ID doc for po meds...its not a conspiracy to ruin your couple of weeks, its just po meds didn't work.

    I don't care what you read on-line; champaigne sized bubbles inside ur tubing, it isn't an emergency.

    Lastly, a story, I had a pt throw an unbelievable fit. How could the hospital and our clinic be so irresponsible and let a pt leave with a PICC in place, without warning her of potentially horrible side effects. Knowing everyone gets a well rounded education on risks of PICCs from the radiology dept in the hospital and staff in the clinic I wondered what she could possibly mean. Before I got a chance to pull her aside and discuss the issue, she said loudly in a waiting room, no one told me I could lose my breasts because of this thing. I literally said nothing for a moment, before i managed to whisper what. Apparently another pt in the waiting room was in because she had a post op infection from a masectomy and happened to have a PICC for something else. The pt overheard the other pt talk about her infection and jumped to conclusions. It took everything in me to sat mind your own damn business and use some common sense.

    Feels very good to vent, im ready to go back to the grind tomorrow.
  3. by   Batman25
    jorjaRN...I almost peed on my chair laughing so hard. lol
  4. by   casi
    You can have either Sprite or Morphine to treat your 7/10 chest pain. Not both.
    Ugh, so sick of the patients coming in with CP that only seems to occur every four hours when their PRN pain medication is due.
  5. by   simboka
    When a pt's bad enough that another pt puts them in their place 'cause the nurses won''s a grand thing.

    Pt was complaining of foot hurting from infection, not getting enough pain meds, well known to multiple floors of the hospital. He was shouting about wanting to just cut his toe off. Pt accross the hall told him that if he kept mistreating the staff, she'd find a pair of scissors for him to cut the toe off. That lady got very good treatment after that
  6. by   Virgo_RN
    I'm drawing up your 2mg of Dilaudid for the headache you have, and now you're asking for a snack. So which is it? The Dilaudid or the snack? Cause there's only one of me, I don't have a tech, all he** is breaking loose, and I don't have time to cater to you. There are seriously ill people here, and you're not one of them, so pick one. And if you ask me for one more da** thing, I'm going to institute Pillow Therapy. I don't care if you say "please". You're still a PITA.
  7. by   ShavonKirk
    "I'm sorry that you didn't approve of the (breakfast, lunch, dinner) we served. This is a health care facility, not a diner. No, I am not ignoring your call light on purpose, there is someone else on my floor who needs more help than needing someone to change the channel on the television. The staff isn't stealing your clothes so that we can watch you walk around in the beautiful hospital gown, untied in the back. It's my job to save your butt, not kiss it. I do not do your laundry. I don't even do my kids laundry. If I'm slammed with other patients, your need of someone to adjust your pillow becomes rather insignificant to me. My cna is not your personal assistant. She's not even mine. Yelling my cna's name down the hallway will not make her come to your room faster. You have a phone in your room. Give your callers that number. If you are unhappy with the way you are being treated, feel free to tell my floor nurse. Hell, I'll wheel your ass right up to her. And speaking of wheeling, no you can not have an aid push you to your meals when your PT says you need to walk. Nothing makes me day brighter than being able to discharge a angry unhappy patient. You can't wait til you are out of here, and sweetie, we are throwing a flippin party once you leave the building."
  8. by   cherrybreeze
    "You, sir (or ma'am), are a moron."
  9. by   RhiaRN75
    It's probably been said before.....

    *Your Doctor sucks, get a new one.
    *STbeepU. Please, pretty please, with a cherry on top even.
    *No, your pregnancy test/meds/mega-work-up/meal box/fix/etc. is NOT free.
    *You're correct in a round-about, not-good-enough way, your medicaid might pay a teeny portion of my salary. A huge portion of my salary funds your medicaid.
    *I don't give a flip if you have medicaid. I don't oppose the medicaid program, I oppose the high majority of twits, just like you, that abuse it.
    *I do feel sorry for your child- you are the reason why.
    *You need to move far away from your messed up family- life would be better for you if you did.
    *You're helping your mother into her grave.
    *Bingo! I don't care. I just helped intubate an eight year old. You've nothing to complain about.
    *Dr. so-and-so will give you your vickies/percs/ladderbacks/etc. Here's the office number.
    *(phone call) You don't want to see Dr. so-and-so? Guess who's working!
    *The cops are waiting outside for you. Have a nice day!
    *No, I'm not kissing your hubby's butt. You wouldn't either if you saw the 20yr old he was out with last weekend.
    *Let me explain to you in detail how your child got pregnant.
    *This is what you do to win the fight with your insurance company......
    *This is what you say to get the referral you really do need....
    *You wouldn't have to wait in this ER for hours on end for a psych transfer if you would just go to that ER instead.
    *I know the wait for xyz specialist is long. If you go to that ER for your next is-it-MS attack, you'll be better off.
    *The house and job are not worth your life. Ditch them, get medicaid, and get the treatment you need. Please. Your kids need you more then they need material things.
    *I can't wait till the doc hears this BS.
    *The real reason why I won't let you visit is because they don't want to see you.
    *The real reason why you can't see your wife right now is because we're hiding the shelter's info in her bra. I think she means it this time, bud.
    *Wow, those are the biggest tombstones ever!
    *I'm smiling because we got that head bleed out in no time flat. It was way cool.
    *You have xyz? Really? I've only read about that, I've always wanted to see one.
    *He thinks I'm an angel and could kiss me because I just drained 1500cc from his bladder. It's not flirting.
    *That's the most impressive CT I've ever seen.
    *You're a great dad, but I doubt that this child has any of your genes.
    *You took viagra, it's been over four hours, and I'm letting the doc tell you what's next.
    *I can't believe the helicopter is gonna fly tonight.
  10. by   dura_mater

    I swear this thread has been more addicting than [insert vice of choice...]

    Thanks to all for bringing much needed comic relief....

    Just passed boards & haven't started working as an RN yet, so I really don't have any pt related gripes to post

    but, (sorry to go off topic) I have been a waitress for years & stupidity is not exclusive to the healthcare industry

    So, when I'm coming out to serve your family of 5, with 3 plates stacked up the right arm & another in the left hand YES I know you have one more plate coming, that is why I'm telling you I will be right back, thought about balancing the fifth plate on my head, but at the last minute decided against it.....

    silly me
  11. by   NurseAdida
    I actually did this.

    Nurse please get me a pitcher of water...sure...(went and got it). Nurse can also have an extra blanket...sure...(I went and brought it). Nurse can I also have some tea...ummm listen, am not going to match up and down the hallway the whole night getting you this or the other, I need you to state a list of everything you want and I will bring it back in one trip!!!...lets just say the magic worked and the look on her face...priceless
  12. by   Virgo_RN
    The reason nobody answers your call light is because this is the emergency room, and answering call lights is not a priority here. We are too busy drawing labs, ordering CTs, giving meds for pain and nausea, and monitoring VS. We've got a nurse out to dinner, and our tech had to go home sick. I gave you the paddle so you could watch TV on the flat screen TV that's in every room in our big fancy new ER, not because I had any intention of coming in here every time you put on your call light. I can see on the monitor in the hallway if you go into a lethal arrhythmia or desat. I can look at my watch and decide if it's time to re-evaluate your pain. I will come check on you when a) It's time, and b) I am able.

    Please don't ask me for another warm blanket for your poor little footsies the second I walk in the door. You are 32 years old and in good health, and you already have a warm blanket and a wife at the bedside who can adjust the blanket you already have (it sure doesn't look like her arms are broken). I didn't come in here because your call light was on; heck, I didn't even notice it was on. I came in here because the effing x-ray tech didn't hook you back up to all the monitoring equipment when they brought you back from your chest x-ray. Yes, I'll bring you a blanket for your feet, but it will be on the way back from sending urine and blood specs on the patient down the hall, going to the med room to get some Solumedrol for another patient at the other end of the hall, and tracking down the doctor to ask about adding labs to the LOL three doors down who had an abnormal EKG. I'll probably forget all about your blanket even though I don't mean to, simply because it is not a priority, and I won't see the call light when you press it to ask me about it again. Maybe your wife can toss your jacket over your feet, since it is sitting there on the chair right next to her. If I do remember your blanket, I'm going to hand it to your wife, who will give me a bewildered look as if to say "You mean, you're not going to put the blanket on his feet???" as I hustle down the hall with hands full of medications and charts.
    Last edit by Virgo_RN on Mar 11, '10
  13. by   pca_85
    No............buddy's NOT an "interesting question"'s a yes or no question.