Nothing wrong with fruitcake...

I have a theory about fruitcake.

See, about a thousand years ago, a thousand monks made a thousand fruitcakes and sold them from their monastery to raise some money. Some of these fruitcakes made excellent doorstops, while others were used as paperweights and still others fed to ducks to make them sink whenever they landed in a pond or lake (and thus prevent duck poo from ruining the scenery). A few brave souls actually attempted to eat the fruitcake, but either drowned in their bathtubs or were unable to rise from their chairs because of the heavy weight at the bottom of their stomachs.

The rest became "re-gifts"---e.g., people kept them in the freezer all year and gave them away during the holidays to folks they didn't really like much. Sometimes they even got the same fruitcake back that they'd given someone 3 or 4 years ago. Ergo, the fruitcakes folks claim to make every year don't really exist; they are, in fact, the same 1000 fruitcakes that have been in circulation for a millenium, because NOBODY eats this stuff.