Not The Best Way To Improve Nursing's Rep!

Purple_Scrubs, BSN, RN · Apr 16, 2010

I am furious about this. When you give birth to a child, you do not get to pick and choose his/her qualities. If your biological child turns out to be a psychopath, ax murderer, or whatever, you do not get to "give them back". The same should hold for adoptions. Once that is your child, he/she is YOURS for life. For better or worse, whatever may be.

I am not denying that the child probably needed some treatment, likely inpatient, but it is no excuse for what this mother did. Inexcusable.

greenfiremajick · Apr 16, 2010

I am furious about this. When you give birth to a child, you do not get to pick and choose his/her qualities. If your biological child turns out to be a psychopath, ax murderer, or whatever, you do not get to "give them back". The same should hold for adoptions. Once that is your child, he/she is YOURS for life. For better or worse, whatever may be.
I am not denying that the child probably needed some treatment, likely inpatient, but it is no excuse for what this mother did. Inexcusable.

Oh, believe me...I am JUST as furious and disgusted as you are.....I have 3 kids we adopted, that started out as our foster children. I struggled for the 1st year having to do "holding therapy" and literally having to restrain our children from being violent (my youngest attacked his preschool teacher and put her in the hospital, as just an example to illustrate their capacity and penchant for violence). This is while my husband was deployed to Afghanistan for the 15 months he was gone. But we stuck it out! Yes, they had issues--They still do though not nearly as bad as it once was....

At one point, I was sitting in the garage on the cold concrete floor, once again having to restrain my youngest (this is done by coming from behind, wrapping their arms across their chest and sinking to the floor--Just want to explain before someone starts screaming child abuse or something. Oh and you must be trained for this, as well). Anyway, as I sat there holding him while he screamed, spit, and purposely pooping his pants to try and get a reaction of disgust from me, thereby trying to get me to let him go, I listened to my daughter beating on the walls, beating the hell out of a trash can and shrieking, while my other son began beating his head on the floor. All I could think was "what the hell am I going to do, if they figure out that working together would be much more beneficial to them?" "What if they band together and decide to take ME over?" That was a sobering thought! And I gotta' say, there were times I seriously wished it would be so easy to "return them."

Actually, it would have been easy. I could have called their caseworkers and told them to come pick them up. It would have been done in 12 hours. As a further matter of fact, that is how we received the brother and sister--because their former foster mom called up my caseworker who happened to be their caseworker as well, and told her "I'm washing their clothes, come get them now--I am through and want nothing further to do with them."

But I didn't do that. And you know why? Because they deserved somebody to be in their corner and to treat them like a human being that was valued. Well, I must admit some selfishness as well...I hate to admit it, but I am a bit prejudiced. Every one of my children has the most beautiful smile and even on the 1st day, I felt so much love for them, there was no way I could ever throw them away as an inconvenience. It took a while to learn their personalities, but it didn't matter. I had made the commitment and I was going to honor it. Further, your comment of "If your biological child turns out to be a psychopath, ax murderer, or whatever, you do not get to "give them back". The same should hold for adoptions. Once that is your child, he/she is YOURS for life. For better or worse, whatever may be," is SO true. I was going through one of the more difficult times of dealing with my kid's issues and I actually had 2 "friends" tell me maybe I should just consider "giving one or two back." I was ASTOUNDED that someone could suggest such a thing. As you stated, I had decided to take them in and let them become my children (and actually asked them if they wanted to become our children)--they were mine. I didn't get to do "take-backs," and never would have even considered that as being a morally responsible decision or consideration!!!

When we first got our 2 boys, they were considered retarded because they would sit, rock, and drool. Later, as we began to wean them off the large amounts of meds they were on (very common for foster children, I might add....Too hyper, too mouthy, not following rules? Drug 'em up!), we saw they were way over-medicated and maybe just maybe that had something to do with barely recognizing and responding to stimulus--No, you think??? As an update, I should say that my boys are on course and doing well in their education...As a matterof fact, they just recently returned to public school. I have been homeschooling them for the past 2 years due to them being taken to the isolation room and principal's office on an almost daily basis. they are actually following rules, making good choices, and seeing the results, of those choices without railing at the system and continuing to be violent, etc. They can see the cause and effect of good and bad choices, now. Hallelujah!!!!

OK, sorry I went off on this little rant, but this is something near and dear to my heart....

I cannot believe this nurse simply put him on a plane and sent him away when it became too hard.....

bubblymom373 · Apr 16, 2010

I agree that just sending the child back when things got rough was an awful thing to do. ALONE no less!!

I would like to play devil's advocate here. Single mom , nurse did she have a support system? If the child had issues was there anyone who would watch him while she worked? Violent? An eight year old can be good size. Was she getting hurt by him? For me food for thought . :twocents:

greenfiremajick · Apr 16, 2010

I agree that just sending the child back when things got rough was an awful thing to do. ALONE no less!!
I would like to play devil's advocate here. Single mom , nurse did she have a support system? If the child had issues was there anyone who would watch him while she worked? Violent? An eight year old can be good size. Was she getting hurt by him? For me food for thought .

Once you adopt, there are many programs that are available, or put into place for free or reduced babysitting by cert'd babysitters. Also, there are scholarships to cover costs, monthly subsidy payments, etc. Additionally, at the VERY LEAST (or maybe worst) she could have called CPS and asked for a 90 day/temporary release and he would have been placed into foster care while they worked on counseling/reunification, etc.

I worked with CPS (Child Protective Services) and I know personally, there were many avenues and possibilities that could have been considered, rather than putting a kid on a plane and sending him off. I do wonder though, if the adoption agency counseled her to do it this way?

And in response to your question of, did she have a support system? Well, she could have, if she looked for one. There are MANY options. I dealt with 3 very high needs kids and I did it, alone with my husband in Afghanistan and working. My kids were 6, 7, and 8. My youngest is in the 95% for growth, height, size, etc. He is now about 2" shorter than me and wears the same size shoe. My daughter is just as tall as me, now. I'm tellin' ya'...When there's a will, there's a way......

I think she could have found the strength to work with the system and this child, you know? There is just no excuse for what she did. I'm not trying to sound hateful, confrontational, etc with you. I just feel very strongly about this and I know the system, alternatives, possibilities, and so on.

clemmm78, RN · Apr 16, 2010

I don't think this has anything with the reputation of nursing. The "mother" happens to be a nurse. That's it.

bubblymom373 · Apr 16, 2010

Thanks for the info, these were questions I thought of when reading the post. I agree that what she did was terrilbe and she did treat the child as a throw away item. What exactly can be done to her for doing that to the child? Anythig?

gtoko · Apr 16, 2010

Greenfire,

Bless your heart. Your post made me cry, but you are a strong and courageous person. Thanks for sharing your story

greenfiremajick · Apr 16, 2010

Thanks for the info, these were questions I thought of when reading the post. I agree that what she did was terrilbe and she did treat the child as a throw away item. What exactly can be done to her for doing that to the child? Anythig?

It depends upon what we don't know...Did she clear it with any child, or law enforcement agencies? She could possibly be charged with child abandonment, endangerment, failure to protect, etc.....

I'd like to hear what comes of this, as well...It seems so non-sensical to me, that she would do that...Wouldn't this also put her license at risk, if charged with abuse in any way?? It kind of makes me wonder if she did this on the advice of someone else......Or maybe someone in Russia told her to go ahead and send him over and she followed it?

greenfiremajick · Apr 16, 2010

Greenfire,
Bless your heart. Your post made me cry, but you are a strong and courageous person. Thanks for sharing your story

Thanks gtoko, but I see myself as just too muleheaded and stubborn to quit, you know?? :lol2:

And honestly, w/out meaning to sound too corny or use too many cliches...I feel like they have given me WAY more than I could ever give them. My kids are such awesome little people and I am almost daily amazed at the what they have accomplished and worked towards...it's amazing to see their little minds work and watch them weigh their choices and actively work towards improving themselves. I won't break out the kid pictures while making you stand there and go through them with me, but I am SO proud of who they are, what they went through, and what they are becoming.

whodatnurse · Apr 16, 2010

I agree that just sending the child back when things got rough was an awful thing to do. ALONE no less!!
I would like to play devil's advocate here. Single mom , nurse did she have a support system? If the child had issues was there anyone who would watch him while she worked? Violent? An eight year old can be good size. Was she getting hurt by him? For me food for thought .

I understand what you're getting at. I have mixed feelings on this issue. While I don't think there should be a "return window" if your kid doesn't live up to your beautiful expectations, what about all the people who discover a short while into child-rearing that they are such a mess themselves that they ought not BE raising children - the 16 year old with no support who thought she could manage herself, the single mom struggling with drug addiction who just had child #7 with father #6, this single mom who for whatever reason obviously failed to BOND with her child. There IS a worse scenario than a child being given up - remaining with people who actually end up loathing them and becoming neglected or targets of abuse. Abandonment is pretty near the bottom of the barrel of things to stick on an innocent young human being but there are a few things even lower. I think it could be the child's best long-term interests to have gotten out of this situation.

While putting him on a plane alone is pretty horrifying, I suspect the adoptive mother is probably not all that together herself and probably never should have taken this on in the first place.

Hopefully his next home will be a loving one that will also be his last.

CBsMommy · Apr 16, 2010

I agree whole-heart with whodatnurse. It was an awful situation, and the decision this mother made was awful, but at least she sent him on a plane to people who will help instead of abusing him (which might have made him violent, who knows) or killing him and throwing him away (which seems to be on the news every night). I will keep this child in my prayers because I agree that he should have someone in his corner as all people should, especially those people that need advocates. I hope he has a lot of doors open to him for a much better life with better people.