Last pay period I put in 105.5 hours. Being part-time I am nowhere near that amount this pay-period...Thank God! In these last three weeks I have had the sickest of the sick and the saddest of the sad. One baby is already gone from overwhelming staph A. Those of you who know what that does knows how horrible and revolting it is. Think of a neonatal burn patient. Another with chromosomal defects that are really rare. Term. PPHN. Blown up like a tic. No urine output for WEEKS. Parents blindsided and angry, directing it at the medical staff. She is now partial code...meds only...but she keeps hanging on. She wont make it...its just a matter of when. The third is a boy who has circled the drain so many times we thought he must be invincible. He has been with us for 9 months. His Mom has witnessed everything to the point you want to shield her from it because you truly care about her and what she has gone through so far just to see it probably end this way. Last night,as I was bagging him for a HR in the 60's and sats in the 50's, she calmly explained to her mother what we were doing. I'm thinking ***??!! How can she be so calm while I am trying to be cool and not shake like a leaf? God Bless Her. Last week there was a big debate over whether we should send him to PCN. Full feeds, nasal canula. He has been with us for nine months. He finally wore out and coded. Cor Pulmonale. I have had to care for him for the last two nights. HFJV, iNO, drips...you never know when he will try to die or for what. I started the shift bagging him and ended the shift bagging him. I dont care what anyonyone says...if you bagging a kid on iNO you are getting alot of NO in your own system. By 0640 I wanted to sit down and cry. I had to stop myself from melting down right there. I can't help but to stop and wonder if anything I did different would have helped. I know I did the best I could. Now I am at home and wish I could just cry but all I feel is numb. I turn 40 tomorrow, I hoped it would be a happy birthday but right now I just want to cry and can't. Thanks for listening I think I can cry now.