NICU Burnout...need to cry

Specialties NICU

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Last pay period I put in 105.5 hours. Being part-time I am nowhere near that amount this pay-period...Thank God! In these last three weeks I have had the sickest of the sick and the saddest of the sad. One baby is already gone from overwhelming staph A. Those of you who know what that does knows how horrible and revolting it is. Think of a neonatal burn patient. Another with chromosomal defects that are really rare. Term. PPHN. Blown up like a tic. No urine output for WEEKS. Parents blindsided and angry, directing it at the medical staff. She is now partial code...meds only...but she keeps hanging on. She wont make it...its just a matter of when. The third is a boy who has circled the drain so many times we thought he must be invincible. He has been with us for 9 months. His Mom has witnessed everything to the point you want to shield her from it because you truly care about her and what she has gone through so far just to see it probably end this way. Last night,as I was bagging him for a HR in the 60's and sats in the 50's, she calmly explained to her mother what we were doing. I'm thinking ***??!! How can she be so calm while I am trying to be cool and not shake like a leaf? God Bless Her. Last week there was a big debate over whether we should send him to PCN. Full feeds, nasal canula. He has been with us for nine months. He finally wore out and coded. Cor Pulmonale. I have had to care for him for the last two nights. HFJV, iNO, drips...you never know when he will try to die or for what. I started the shift bagging him and ended the shift bagging him. I dont care what anyonyone says...if you bagging a kid on iNO you are getting alot of NO in your own system. By 0640 I wanted to sit down and cry. I had to stop myself from melting down right there. I can't help but to stop and wonder if anything I did different would have helped. I know I did the best I could. Now I am at home and wish I could just cry but all I feel is numb. I turn 40 tomorrow, I hoped it would be a happy birthday but right now I just want to cry and can't. Thanks for listening I think I can cry now.

The third baby passed yesterday morning at 0100. I had a long talk with my nurse manager yesterday and she was very supportive and told me I had done a wonderful job taking care of all those sick babies. It was really nice to hear and it was really nice to vent. For the 9 month old we are going to take our time and put together a scrapbook for his mom. We tend to take alot of pictures and I know we have many of him. The staff will write their own recollections and thoughts in there as well. This will be the second time we have done this since I started working there almost 4 years ago so I guess its good it doesn't happen that often.

Thank you all for being there and being so supportive. Internet hugs are just as comforting as real ones.:icon_hug:

Specializes in NICU.

BlueYYsRN, I don't think I can say much to help you since I am just a student. I still want you to know that you are in my thoughts though and I hope that better days are coming for you. I cannot say that I know how you feel because I don't, but I can say that people who care and feel as you do are a rarety and something to be treasured! Take care of yourself and thank you so much for all that you do in the eyes of both the neonates and the parents that you help.

I can't post much of anything that is affirmative right now. I went back in last night and realized I would not be able to attend the funeral because I worked last night and the funeral is today at 2:30, its over an hour away and I have to go back in tonight. I went in last night and had one of the sickest kids in there, she should have been one-on-one but because of staffing I had to have another baby with her. That had nothing to do with admin. We just dont have the staff for all these one-on-one babies right now. I feel like a hospice nurse without the understanding that this is the end. If this little one survives it will be a miracle. One of the neos (who came in extra because our acuity) commented on how rough I looked before I left. I never sat down last night. I actually had another nurse pushing a chair under me to make me sit down while I charted. I feel like my report was very lacking. My mind just felt numb. Thank you all for listening and for all your good thoughts. It will get beter. I am just so emotionally tired right now.

Specializes in Looking for a career in NICU.
The third baby passed yesterday morning at 0100. I had a long talk with my nurse manager yesterday and she was very supportive and told me I had done a wonderful job taking care of all those sick babies. It was really nice to hear and it was really nice to vent. For the 9 month old we are going to take our time and put together a scrapbook for his mom. We tend to take alot of pictures and I know we have many of him. The staff will write their own recollections and thoughts in there as well. This will be the second time we have done this since I started working there almost 4 years ago so I guess its good it doesn't happen that often.

Thank you all for being there and being so supportive. Internet hugs are just as comforting as real ones.:icon_hug:

One NICU located where I used to live, a local Quilters club kept a steady stream of quilts for the isolettes....each new baby that went to the NICU was given one to place over the isolette, and they took it home when the baby was released, and I am sure, was an incrediby precious keepsake to those where the baby passed away.

I think it's great some nurse managers will reassign you babies that are doing well when you have had a string of babies who have crossed over.

I can't post much of anything that is affirmative right now. I went back in last night and realized I would not be able to attend the funeral because I worked last night and the funeral is today at 2:30, its over an hour away and I have to go back in tonight. I went in last night and had one of the sickest kids in there, she should have been one-on-one but because of staffing I had to have another baby with her. That had nothing to do with admin. We just dont have the staff for all these one-on-one babies right now. I feel like a hospice nurse without the understanding that this is the end. If this little one survives it will be a miracle. One of the neos (who came in extra because our acuity) commented on how rough I looked before I left. I never sat down last night. I actually had another nurse pushing a chair under me to make me sit down while I charted. I feel like my report was very lacking. My mind just felt numb. Thank you all for listening and for all your good thoughts. It will get beter. I am just so emotionally tired right now.

Besides offering cyberhugs, I really can't think of how to support you at this very draining time...I just wanted you to know that I'm listening and care. And that I just feel it in my bones that you are such a blessing to your babies. Please keep venting here- many others in here care too!

We all feel for you and have been there too....we are all lucky to have good people like you on the NICU team! Remember sometimes there are worse things than death too. Seems like you give of your heart, and that the family will never forget....Never forget the precious time you have also helped the family have with their baby; even if it wasn't ideal it was time.

Peace to you!

Specializes in geriatrics, telemetry, ICU, admin.

105.5 hours in 2 weeks? Part-time? You need a hug, breakfast out, and a temp reassign. But it is true-- you are an incredible blessing just by being there.

Specializes in midwifery, NICU.
BlueYYsRN, I don't think I can say much to help you since I am just a student. I still want you to know that you are in my thoughts though and I hope that better days are coming for you. I cannot say that I know how you feel because I don't, but I can say that people who care and feel as you do are a rarety and something to be treasured! Take care of yourself and thank you so much for all that you do in the eyes of both the neonates and the parents that you help.

:nono: dont say you are" just a student "so you cant help! you are learning, you are a human being and you obviously have a big heart to feel this much! Dont undervalue your feelings babe!

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