New New Step Dad, Mom in nursing school, too much?

[ovnerati]

This is my first post to these boards and I do apologize for the length.

I have an aboslutely wonderful friend of eight years. He and I both went through divorces during those eight years. His was some six years ago and mine was about three years back. We had known each other a very long time, but it wasnt until two years ago that we began to see each other as more then just friends. I am proud to say that I married this wonderful man last March!!! I could not be more pleased with my choice of husband. He is adoring, supportive, responsible, all out wonderful. He is all these things to me and to my three darling little boys from my previous marriage.

Here in lies my problem. Nursing School. He knew this was in the cards and no one was more excited and supportive of me when I finally entered nursing school after five years of preperation (three years completing general education and nursing pre-reqs and another two years on the waiting list)

I have to work full time. I have my three boys to take care of and my ex-husband has only paid his child support once this last year. Just not a reliable enough income to raise a family on. So I work full time, go to nursing school, and I am a newlywed. I knew Nursing School would be tough. I knew I would struggle and that the next two years would be among the most stressed out I would ever be. I am lucky atleast in that my current job is flexible and pays well (better then most LPN's) I warned him of all this. I warned him that most nursing students are advised not to work while in the program. He was fully informed, but unfortunately not as prepared as I had hoped. He expected that I would be stressed out constantly and under extreme time constraints and he knew being a step-father was not going to be a cake-walk. He knew all these things, but knowing and experiencing are such different things. He became the primary care giver to my three boys and while he loves them and they love him it just hasnt been an easy transition. I've felt guilty. The transition would be easier if I were able to be home more. After all I am the connection between this man and these boys. But I cant quit work and lord knows school is not going to ease up just because I need it to. My dear husband has been a trooper. He's prepared kids for school and preschool. Prepared breakfasts, dinners, lunches. Helped with homework, read bedtime stories, tucked kids in. Taken days off work or worked from home when my kids or I get sick. He does more then half our housework and he works more then 60 hours a week. Like I said. He is amazing. He did his best to support me, but... He broke down two months ago. I saw this man that I love brought to tears. Tears for feeling guilty as well. He is tired, burned out, and hates not seeing the person he just committed to spending the rest of his life with. He felt guilty for wanting me to quit school. He promised that he would continue to support me and to cheer me on, if it was that important to me, but he is suffering and he wishes I would quit. He did not ask me to quit, just admitted to his feelings. I make a good living now, not as good as RN, but good enough to meet all of the financial goals that he and I have made even without completing my degree. This fact alone keeps him from worrying about our need for me to graduate at this time.

I arranged to take a hiatus from school. Just a little time to get my boys, me, and my husband more accustomed to just being a family. I have been told that as long as I return to school within the year I will be able to continue in my program without any further detriment, but if I postpone any longer then I will be placed back at the end of the waiting list (which is now 5 years out) Its been 2 months now (about half a semester). I need to let my school know what my expected return date is very soon so I cant put my decision off much longer. I feel physically so much healthier without the stress of nursing school and I guess it shows. My dear husband cant stop commenting on how much more I am smiling and how how he keeps catching me singing. He has been so much happier and so have my kids. Things have been amazing. I finally feel like a newlywed and so does he. He'd like to look at growing our family more, as he'd like a child of his own, but we cant progress in that till I make a decision.

I am at a crossroads now. I love my family more then anything in this world. I dont want to ask my family to go back to the same level of stress we were at. I dont want ask my husband to make so many sacrifices that he regrets marrying me. Family is always first. But I have never wanted anything more strongly for myself then to complete a Nursing degree. I worked five years to get into the program! I sacrificed so much time already! So much money invested in education! I worked my way towards this during my first marriage and after my ex-husband left me and the boys to go join a rock band. I've sacrificed so much. I dont know if I can walk away. I was doing well in school and love the profession so much. I have cried almsot every night since I went on this hiatus because I am terrified that I will never get to go back. I'm also aware of what a great benefit me being in the nursing profession could be to my family. But is it worth it if I risk my family for it? I dont want to do something that will put my kids at risk of watching Mom go through another divorce.

So here are my options; 1. I go back to school and finish my RN degree and risk putting my husband through another breakdown. 2. I go back to school for one more semester then take a transition to LPN course. Its not what I was shooting for and it pays less then my current profession, but atleast it would be nursing. or 3. Quit school, keep my current job as a Registered Polysomnographic Technologist (atleast its in health care and I do enjoy it---but who can work the night shift forever), and just enjoy being a wife and mother. 4. Wait beyond the one year mark and have my name placed back at the end of the waiting list. Maybe in five years when my kids are older things will be a little easier on the family.

My husband says he will respect any decision I make and that he will do all that he can to make me happy in my decision, but will he feel that way in another year and a half? Is it fair to ask him to take so much responsibility for another man's kids while I run off to complete my degree?

Does anyone have suggestions on how I can minimize the impact on my sweet family and still manage to complete school?

Your guidance or opinions would be much appreciated.

[chevyv, BSN, RN]

My heart just goes out to you. I really think you should listen to your heart. Life is so much more than a career. You've worked so hard to get to where your at right now, but I'm one of those that believes firmly in family first.

Is there a school you can apply to that allows students to go part time? Thats what I did and I can honestly say that the only reason I made it is because I could go part time.

If not, I would enjoy my new family for awhile. Once your children are older and can do some of the cares by themselves, then go for it. If your happier now, live it, feel it, and enjoy it. Please keep us posted and congratulations on your new life

[sunray12]

well, as a single mother raising 2 kids on my own i have a few questions/ suggestions:

i personally don't think it is fair to put your new husband in the position of taking care of everyone in the house... it is just toooo much for a man to do

why can't you take out some loans so that you don't have to work full time?

i would think with 1 person working full time, you working part time, plus school loans, and a budget you would be able to make it and not work full time and save your new husband from a nervous breakdown

i agree with a previous poster... if this marriage fails, will you be able to support your children the way you want? this thought is what helps me get through school... i want to be able to take care of my children without the help of anyone.

i agree with this. can you take a loan and work out a schedule where you share some of the care responsibilities with your husband before and after class? do you have any family members who are willing to step in and assist with things like baby sitting, transportation to/from school, activities and appointments, etc., even if its for a small fee? are any of your children old enough that they can do their part to help out around the house?

if i'd spent five years working to get into nursing school i'd feel that i'd come too far to let it go for anyone/anything other than catastrophic emergency or illness. as you say you've put too much time and money into this to just let it go - especially since you say that you liked nursing school.

things that would be going through my head if i were you:

getting your rn will put you in a position where you can earn substantially more than you do now and this is income that will make life easier for your family. you'd have a wider range of career options and flex than you do now. as i said this sounds like something you can work out with a little time management and organization. if you want to get your rn then you and your family can get through the next year and a half.

[JBudd, MSN]

It isn't going to be easier 5 years from now.

He said he'll support you, trust him. He knows what he's been through, and is willing to pick it up again. That says a lot.

Hire a housekeeper, even if just once a week, so he doesn't have to do so much. Having a clean house does wonders for getting stress levels down. I used to hire a lady just 4 hours a week, she didn't do laundry or the bedrooms, but the main areas were dusted, mopped, straightened, vaccumed, and the dishes clean.

Set aside time each week that you promise not to study, nor do anything nursing, but have special family time events, where everyone gets to destress.

You still pass with grades less than an A. You can still pass the NCLEX with a lower GPA. Nursing is in your heart and your hands, as well as your head. Being more relaxed and happy in home life helps with the first two, studying is not the end all and be all of life.

[txnursingqt]

What hit me in your post was that you said you have cried every night since you quit school. You have invested way too much time and hard work up to this point. He knew what he was getting into when he married you and he says that he will stand by you. You will regret it if you don't finish and may even resent him. Yes, I know that he might resent you but the year and half will fly by and he won't resent you for long...you may potentially resent him for years.

Don't give up. Have a serious talk with him and tell him exactly how you feel and let him know that you really want both your marriage and school to work and you will do whatever it takes.

I wish you luck. My heart really does go out to you.

[ovnerati]

Thanks to all of you for your help, encouragement, and advice. I took the opportunity to speak to my sweet husband again about how I was feeling, how he was feeling, how the kids are handling things, and ofcourse the possibility of me returning to school. He was pretty upset. More upset then I would have expected. He had hoped to have a little more time before we discussed the possibility again. Being the good man he is though he calmed down quickly and we were able to discuss all the pros and cons.

We both feel that our marital relationship and the growing bonds between himself and the kids are more important at this time, or really anytime, then nursing school. A career only lasts till retirement, but a family is a lifetime. Lucky enough for me though we also both agree that I deserve another shot at this. Looks like I get to go back atleast one more semester!

One more semester will give me the opportunity to atleast qualify to take the transitional course to LPN. If things go well then I get to stay in the program. If things go as poorly as they did last semester... then thats it until the kids are much older, but atleast I will have the opportunity to work as an LPN until that time.

So my goal at this point is just to prepare as much as possible. I think if I can stay organized, minimize the impact on my sweetheart, and avoid bringing too much stress home with me from school than things will be better. So... anyone have a clue on how to minimize the impact on a spouse? Keeping the stress level down at home? etc. etc.

[pharmgirl]

Congrats on your decision, I know it was a hard one. One of the things that I did to make it easier on my husband (i had a couple night classes) was to spend one weekend day a month cooking 5 or 6 dinners. (the kids helped me cook too so we were spending time together) Then I would plate them up on those plastic dinner trays and freeze them. Kinda like homemade TV dinners. When I wasn't home, or even when I was and I didnt feel like cooking I would pop a few in the microwave. Allowed more time for study, for kids and family and took the burden off hubby to cook meals. (also was a little "comfort food" for them cause it was momma's cooking).

Another thing you can do is sit down with hubby and make a schedule. Make appointments for when you are going to study and when is family time. Keep your appointments, just like you would for a doctor or dentist appointment. Make sure you allow a little more study time the week before a test.

Do as much as you can ahead of time. Anticipate what hubby will have to take care of....laundry, meals, snacks for the kids, clothes laid out for the day.....and have them ready for them. You'll be amazed at what you can fit into a 1/2 hour before everyone gets up in the morning. Time management is the key.

Good Luck, I wish you the best and I'll be praying for you.

[MaineEMT2RN]

My advice? Budget.

1) Financially - eliminate everything extra. Learn to do without. Cook from scratch and do it in bulk. Look at every expense you've had in the last year and eliminate everything that you can. Be brutal. Consider the cost of driving and eliminate extra trips, carpool. Share some childcare time with a friend/neighbor one night everyweek (one evening a week you and hubby have a night alone, the next week the other couple has their turn, etc.) saving babysitting cost. Spend the evening at home - make a nice dinner together, etc. Create no extra expense. Also, get your state child support enforcement folks to help tackle that issue and increase your income.

2) Work - As a result of your cost savings measures, cut back on work hours. Use this time wisely to relieve the burden your husband is experiencing.

3) Maximize time with your family. Eliminate all the extraneous drains on your time. Everything. Extended family, clubs/committee's, shopping, everything except allnurses. Make sure that hubby has time without any family responsibilities so he can relax. He's not in nursing school - unlike the rest of us here, he's allowed to relax!

4) Schedule study time. Your family will clearly know what to expect, and with planning, you can minimize the impact on them.

Extra time and less financial pressure may be enough to get you through, but even in the best of circumstances this is an overwhelming undertaking. The first year of marriage is tough on most couples, and how you get through it is critical.

Remember also that your kids are taking notes on how you handle this. Before making any decision, think carefully about what you want them to learn. Do you want them to learn discipline, that working hard for the things that matter is worth it, investing time and effort in to your education is important, considering your family in big decisions is critical, that the right decision is often not the easy one, and even how a marriage relationship works out the tough stuff? They will learn - consider what it is that you want to teach.

There is no right answer. You have to make the path you choose right for you. Personally, I vote to stay in school and just get it done. You've worked hard to get here and invested so much already. It's only 4 semesters. Four 16 week blocks, with a little down time in between to regroup. In the grand scheme of things, it's a short term family investment for a lifetime of job satisfaction, career stability, and a recession proof income.

[ovnerati]

I agree with this. Can you take a loan and work out a schedule where you share some of the care responsibilities with your husband before and after class? Do you have any family members who are willing to step in and assist with things like baby sitting, transportation to/from school, activities and appointments, etc., even if its for a small fee? Are any of your children old enough that they can do their part to help out around the house?

If I'd spent five years working to get into nursing school I'd feel that I'd come too far to let it go for anyone/anything other than catastrophic emergency or illness. As you say you've put too much time and money into this to just let it go - especially since you say that you liked nursing school.

Things that would be going through my head if I were you:

Getting your RN will put you in a position where you can earn substantially more than you do now and this is income that will make life easier for your family. You'd have a wider range of career options and flex than you do now. As I said this sounds like something you can work out with a little time management and organization. If you want to get your RN then you and your family can get through the next year and a half.

I do truly appreciate the advice that you kind folks have tried to give to me, but I do think some of y'all misinterperated my involvement in my childrens lives. I did state that my husband has picked up a huge amount of my childrens care and that he has become a primary caretaker. I did not mean to say that I placed all burdens on him. I already work shifts similar to a nurses. (so I am already only working 3 nights a week at full time) and I do not ignore my children when I am home. I still feed them, cloth them, help them with their homework, etc. etc. I would never have just "pawned" them off on my husband. These are things we both do, but I am used to it and he is not. This is perhaps the strongest difficulty for him. He went from being a carefree bachelor to someone with WAYM MORE responsibility. I would never ask himt to do it all. And because I cant ask him to do it all that is why I could never consider putting even more financial burden on him on top of everything else.

Some of the ideas seem so unrealistic to me.

I have been a single mom through my ordeal to get into nursing school and I can honestly say that my life was MUCH MUCH easier as a single nursing student then as a married one. Both financially and emotionally. As a single mother I qualified for grants and scholarships. As a married woman I dont. Thats a huge financial blow. As a single mother I qualified for help paying for childcare. As a married woman I dont. Another financial blow. When I was single my ex-husband actually felt he needed to pay child support, since I got married he no longer feels he has that obligation (YES I AM FIGHTING THIS ONE LEGALLY) but again this is a financial blow! So no. Loans are not enough to suppliment all the financial losses I took when I remarried let alone to suppliment me cutting down to part time (which would only eliminate one shift a week) And thats the financial end of things. We could cut out a few things from our budget, but seriously not enough.

I do have family support outside of my new husband. They do what they can to help out with the kids. They have taken then on overnight visits when my dear husband and I have both had to work or while I was attending early morning clinicals and he was working. But I live an hour away from them and its not always possible for such siutations to work with that kind of commute.

Emotionally, when I was attending school as a single mom I only had to worry about me and my three boys. Having to take another adult back into the picture.. their wants, needs, etc. etc. wow!! Wouldnt trade his companionship or love for anything in the world, but........... Yikes. It would have been easier to just keep dating. Is that too horrible for me to actually say! I dont regret getting remarried. Not for an instant.

[chevyv, BSN, RN]

Everyone really means well here. In the end whether you feel the advice of some is a little off, you need to listen to your heart. I wish you the very best.

[ovnerati]

Everyone really means well here. In the end whether you feel the advice of some is a little off, you need to listen to your heart. I wish you the very best.

Goodness gracious! I hope I didnt offend anyone. I am absolutely pleased with the kind words of advice and encouragement. Everyone is so great. Even when the advice doesnt fit my situation. I am entirely grateful. Thanks to everyone.