NEED ADVICE !! Husband ill...

inthesky · Jun 4, 2008

wow.. you are nearly describing me during bipolar agitation (although i do experience other types of episodes as well).. :imbar I'm just crawling out of this state. When im agitated, like your husband, i am fine if everything is calm and how i want it. I have zero ability to take frustration or disappointment. I'll have rageful, tearful tantrums like a small child. It is really hard to explain.. I get so angry that my whole body will convulse. For example, if im put on hold over the phone, I wont quite yell at the phone operator, but ill be rude and angry. and i might scream and throw something when i hang up. I also panic at loud noises. I even turned my phone ringer off. My boyfriend has to be careful about making any quick movements. I screamed at a dog a few nights ago for barking at me. This is all from someone who is usually pretty good natured and a good communicator. I have to confess that I can be a bit entitled at times, but nothing like i am when I'm so agitated.

I might just say he has an anger problem, but the cyclical pattern is very suspicious of bipolar. For me, i try not to leave the house much. Like, i took a week off of work and i sit around at the computer. (ive been very grateful for empathetic others like you to take time to communicate with me these last few days). I take geodon which usually calms me down in a few days.

as for what to do.... i can be reasoned with when im calm, usually. Im well-versed with my disorder so I work hard to not take it out on my boyfriend and not get in trouble (and i rarely leave the house in this state)..and i communicate in between rage fits. I cannot be reasoned with during rage and really just need to be left alone. Too much stimulation is bad. Benzos are actually very helpful. Before the geodon, I was taking xanax and was feeling anxiety-relief without sedation.

one key point: having mental illness or just being so angry he explodes..is NOT an excuse to be emotionally abusive to you. He isnt doing this to hurt you and he probably cant help that he is so edgy, but he is responsible for everything he does. Im sorry im not more helpful in steps you can take, but for your health, it cant be ignored

:redbeathe:redbeathe

Trauma Columnist · Jun 4, 2008

This obviously would be very difficult to live with. If your husband won't go for counselling, you should. You need better ways to cope with these issues.

Hopefully there will be others who can offer some more support. Take care of yourself.

aloevera · Jun 4, 2008

thank you so much for your replies, it is nice to know that someone is listening and can relate....I have a week off now so my son and I are taking a long needed vacation...

possible Explosive Anger Disorder? or possibly Bi-Polar, I don't have a clue...it is so hard to be objective when you are living with it...but I am getting away for the next week anyway...His mother was addicted to valium and supposedly beat him all the time when he was little, but, as you say, he is still responsible for his actions...I have felt sorry for him far too long and made excuses...

thanks again for responding to my post, I really appreciate it...I will be back online in a week.....

inthesky · Jun 5, 2008

take care!!!!! and enjoy your vacation =)

iluvivt, BSN, RN · Jun 8, 2008

I was married to a man like that. Even though I loved him one day I looked at him and thought it is either us (me and our daughter) Or him. Well I had to choose our daughter. He too was raised my a very controlling man that would beat him I guess because he was not good enough. He ruined that gentle young boy and the man he grew to be could never overcome that wound. Please remember that irritability and sleep disturbances are two of the many signs of depression. Perhaps you have more power than you think. Perhaps you can tell your husband you would like him to get help for the sake of your marriage. I did not realize how much damage my self esteem had taken until he was gone.If he does not want to save it then why do you want to keep it? Think about it.

Thunderwolf, MSN, RN · Jun 15, 2008

Just read your thread....personally, myself, I have had to take a long hiatus from the board due to back injury and excessive work stresses preventing me from being staff here on the board. But, again, reading your thread here at work, I had to respond. Hugs.

Men in general, and depending upon how they were raised, can quite often have difficulty acknowledging their own emotional aches. Many men simply try to get their minds off of it by working or over working. Many head off their depression/anxiety via other activity, such as exercise. Many may take on substances to overcome their aches...via food, drugs, sex, or alcohol. It is not uncommon for men to hide their depression or deny it. Depression can take on many forms...be it energy draining (hypoactivity) or energy producing (irritability and hyperactivity). Not all hyperactivity or irritability equates to bipolar disorder...it could be depression, it could be episodes of hypomanias, it could be Cyclothymia....it could be simply adjustment disorder (maladjustment to life stress). It only takes one episode of diagnosed Mania to meet criteria for Bipolar....but again, his behavior/symptoms could indicate any of these other things as well...which need ruled out. Typically, folks with Axis II diagnosis tend to mellow out by this age, so I don't believe that this is his concern. Men also tend to be creatures of habit...so he may only have a few coping strategies that he uses on a regular basis to deal with stress...when the stress becomes overwhelming, irritability can result. Also, the older the male, the more typical the stance in his denying it as an issue for him. Men typically, but not always, wait till they are much worse till they admit it or seek help. Any way, that should not stop you from seeking help or counseling for yourself....maybe, with the hope of an eventual joint counseling session with your husband. If that should ever occur, in that session, you could explore with him how his inability to cope impacts you (and the children). But, even in this, don't point the finger at him or put him on the hot seat...it would be counterproductive to you and him. Counseling is a means to begin communicating in a safe environment...for both partners. Instead, focus the concern on yourself and how it has been difficult to cope or be supportive to a mate that fails to take care of himself when not dealing well with his own stress. Even the focus is on him per se indirectly, keep in on you to save him face....providing him the door to begin talking about his own issues/stress/ whatever....that is the goal. Make it safe, save him face, focus on you, and listen. Maybe, as a result, both of you could learn better coping with life stress together. Regardless if he decides to join you later in your own counseling or not, I would encourage you to follow thru for yourself for support and feedback. Again, his behavior may be an indication of a disorder or it may not. Men and women tend to deal with their stress much differently.

Again, hugs out to you.

Peace.

aloevera · Jun 16, 2008

Thunderwolfe---Thank you, thank you, thank you, so much for your informative reply....It helps just to get feedback from someone that is impartial and informed. Your knowledge rings true as I cannot discuss this situation with anyone I am close to or anyone at work...I have kept it to myself and tried to control him for years..Of course, I haven't always been able to do this as my temper would fly at times that I couldn't hold back...I would leave the situation if at all possible...As you say, he is 64, but works like a 40 yr. old and is in great health, medically....I thought he would have mellowed out too. Absolutely NOTHING is his fault, the blame is always on me or someone else...That part is hard to deal with...thank you for your time but after my son is in college I will be back working full time and don't have the energy left to deal with him...haven't decided as yet if and when I will separate.

again, thank you for responding, I really appreciate it...

(I just got off a 14 hr. shift and am probaly not making much sense but wanted to reply ASAP) Hugs back....

Atheos · Jun 16, 2008

Your husband and my mother must be related.

aloevera · Jun 16, 2008

stanleyRN2b- bless your heart, I can imagine how it was growing up if your mom is anything like my husband.....

good luck to you and your career....

thanks for the laugh !!! maybe they are !!!!

Atheos · Jun 16, 2008

In all seriousness, nothing is going to help him if he doesn't go get help. Unfortunately for those of us with these kinds of issues, the doctors won't help unless we take the first step and then all the steps afterwards. Try finding counseling and a support group. Get sneaky and invite them to your house while he is there. I have had to be forced at times to interact with people this way. However, only about the 8 or 9 total life self destruction episode finally pushed me to get help. He really needs help. Losing the thing in life that he loves will only drive him deeper into whatever is going on.

On another note, keep an eye on your children. OCD, Bipolar 1 + 2, Clinical Depression and ADHD rages through my entire family. Any trauma can instantly escalate the issue. These kinds of things like to pop up in children.