My son needs help. The system isn't working!

Nurses General Nursing

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OK, I view this site frequently, occasionally post but nothing too deep or serious. I never thought I'd be asking for help like this but I'm at the end of my rope , I have nowhere to turn I don't know what to do. I hope with the vast amount of resourceful minds here that someone can at least point me in the direction of a solution. I'm sorry but this post will be long.

My son is 21 years old. Started getting into a little trouble here and there at about age 17. Progressively got worse but I just didn't see the signs.(The mother is always the last to know) He's wrecked or totaled about 8 cars in the last two years. One he wasn't covered on my insurance and I'm left owing $15,000 on a car I don't even have. Numerous tickets and fines and finally got his license pulled for accumulation of tickets.

It seems like there's a crisis with him on a daily basis. I dread going home after work it is so stressful and when he's gone I hate for the phone to ring because I know it's something involving him.

Anyway, he was getting worse into drugs and I still didn't see it except his behaviour was abnormal a lot and he was on prescription xanax for panic attacks. (the worst thing that ever could have happened, legal xanax.)

One day a whole squad of police showed up at my door and arrested him. They had been doing a big surveillence for the last two years and this was the day they did the big drug sweep and arrested everyone.

He was charged with three counts of selling a controlled substance (to an undercover cop). He went to jail and I almost couldn't stand it but I knew he needed to stay in there a while to get a taste of it.

After ten days his Dad couldn't stand it anymore and wanted to bond him out. We live from paycheck to paycheck. His bond was $75,000 so we would have to come up with $7500. We own classic car my husband restored which we were going to sell for home improvement money. He took a $7000 loss so he could sell it quickly. We bonded him out and hired an attorney which was a flat rate of another $7500.

He is unemployeed and has never been able to hold a job for more than a couple of weeks. Flunked out of college. Well, after he came home from jail the fear of God was pretty much in him and things went smoothly for about a month.

Then one day I saw that same old behavior and I knew he was on something. He just gets really bizarre and out of control. Can't remember in 5 minutes what he said 5 minutes ago. So I thought I would just wait for whatever it was to wear off then lay into him because there's no rational conversation when he's like this.

My daughter is 32 and the epitomy of perfect. She steps in a lot and makes decisions because I'm just to close to it to do the right thing. To me he's still five years old. She came over the next day and was going to search his room and the fight was on.

They got into a physical altercation and he almost broke her fingers. He thinks the sun rises and sets in her and would never, never, never have done that if he wasn't under the influence.

We called 911. When they got there they wanted to know what we wanted them to do. My daughter said she didn't wan't him to go back to jail and risk prison but we had to do something.

So we had them take him to the state mental health facility that happens to be located in our town. He was mad, mad, mad but after he calmed down he finally saw the light. He put everything on the table and told me everything he'd been doing and he was sick of it and wanted a life. We are going to try and cut a deal with the navy, sometimes if you enlist they're able to wipe the slate clean.

He was in the mental facility for a almost two weeks and was court mandated to a rehab center. He wanted to go. He was excited and ready. Since it was court mandated he would go to a stated funded treatment center.

Well, he finally got there and it was a complete circus! There's probably more drugs inside than outside. They ship them to a classroom everyday across town and someone just gives them papers to read and sign. No talking, no counseling, nothing! We went there Sunday to take him a few things and we went to the building they were having class in and they were just having a good ol time.

I asked to see "john" and the "aid" yelled at him and we went to the front of the building to visit a little. They didn't ask who we were, search us, look in our bag or anything. And they never even came to see where he was or what he was doing.

It's been three days and he called me tonight begging for help. He said drugs are offered to him on a daily basis but so far he's been able to refuse and most of the people there are court mandated so they're all just there because they have to be. He said no one there wants help. He wants some real counseling. I'm afraid this situation is doing him more harm than good.

But I don't know what to do. I have no money left. The only people who can get into the "real" rehab centers either have money or insurance. He has neither and neither do I. He's primed and ready to turn it around right now and there's nowhere to go and no one to help! I just don't get it.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Pray you never have to go through something like this.

ALANON!!!! Your son may need help, obviously he does, but you need it just as much if not more. Get yourself to AlAnon ASAP. Just because his life is unmanageable doen't mean your life needs to be so. Addiction is a family disease and yours is badly in need of treatment. Good luck.

You sure do need some help. Please PM me. I went through the same thing with one of my sons and found a great program that does not cost an arm and a leg and is a great program.

Specializes in Clinical Research, Outpt Women's Health.

I don't have kids, but if it was me I would encourage him to finish rehab, join the navy, and let him know that he has taken things too far for you to be able to step in and make things right for them even if you wanted to (which I know you do).

Let him know you llove and support him, but your ability to help has been limited by his actions and that he is the only one that can control his destiny now.

My heart goes out to you.

Specializes in Geriatrics, Cardiac, ICU.

I agree with most of what has been said here.

I never would have bailed him out in the first place and the system is fine, it is the son in this situation that needs fixing and HE is the only one who can do that.

Trust me, when he gets tired, he will stop.

Specializes in Med Surg, ICU, Infection, Home Health, and LTC.

can you say "been there, did that?" only for me it was my daughter.

one of the things that i have learned is that you cannot live their life for them nor make the choices for them. the only one you can control and get help and support for right now is you.

he is an adult of legal age and will have to suffer the consequences of his actions. bailing him out is being co-dependant and actually encourages him to continue his lifestyle because he has learned someone will always rescue him and justify his behavior.

as hard as it is....and believe me it is the hardest thing on earth you will ever have to do...you have to let him go. he is a grown man and should be working and living on his own. however and where ever those choices lead him. he does not need a mommy and daddy to continue to support him and make excuses for him and allow him to never face life and grow up.

you can only change yourself and your own life and allowing him into your home to live and continue the disruption and dysfunction only facilitates him. you have a life and a husband and a daughter. be joyful in that and pray that one day your son will make up his mind to change.

you can't make him grow up or do it for him and rescuing him only prolongs the process and can destroy you and your emotions and your relationship with your other family members.

it really is the hardest thing on earth to do, but you have to cut the cord and let him make his own choices, no matter how horrid an outcome it may seem to be at the time.

my heart goes out to you. it took 8 long years until my daughter realized i was not the enemy and i do and always have loved her and our relationship is still growing and healing.

Dixie, I am so sorry you are going through this, and I understand how much you love your son.

I think the Narcanon and Salvation Army suggestions are probably good.

My son was in a local mental facility after threats of suicide. Even though it is part of our local hospital, it was totally inaproppriate for him. There was no counseling, no anything except situations a teenager should not have had to deal with. I'm sure people in my town wouldn't believe how bad that place is, at least for a suicidal teenager.

It was quite difficult to get him out of there and I knew I could not have him put there if he tried again.

It was very rough for a long time, but he is doing well now, thank goodness.

My point is that from your observations and your son's report of availability of drugs, he is not in the right place and if I were you, I would do everything I could to get him into a program that will actually help him. Not a place where people go as an alternative to jail - with no intention of getting clean.

Best of luck for you and your family.

nell - who never gave up on her son

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