My experience

Psychaprn · Apr 28, 2005

I was a cutter for most of high school. I would have loved to have someone in my corner. But I never told anyone, they would have been there had I let them. Noone ever knew. You would be suprised at how easy it is to hide when people aren't looking, of if they do happen to see it it is easy to excuse.
I was crying for help and no one ever knew, my mother to this day still has no idea and for some reason I never want her to. and I am an adult now.
The first time I told someone was sort of after the fact after I had stopped and was trying to help her with some the stuff that she was going through.
I was always expected to be so perfect (or at least I thought I was). and I felt like I could never measure up. I was expected to pull of great marks, and be social, be the starter for several school and outside of school sports. And be happy and energetic for all of this. and the more I felt liek i didn't measure i thought that If I picked up another activity maybe then I would I could stand tall enough. But the more I did the worse it felt and then it seemed that I had to comprimise something else to accomplish what I had commited to.
Whenever I acted even slightly unhappy I got the "smile _________, this is not how you normally act" "what is wrong?" and it just became easier to plaster on that smile and act as if nothing was wrong.
I think my experience whould ahve been alot easier had I been able to tell someone, but everytiem I thought about it...It jsut seemed like if I told someone I had failed. The perfect daughter, student athlete doens't cut....
My savior was my horse, and had I not had him I would hate to think where I would have been. Every day I would go see him, some times jsut to go see him and not ride, jsut to sit with him, in his stall, outside in the feild and even jsut going on a walk. I would liek to think that my horse ended up being my therapist. you would not beleive how freeing it is to run across a feild or to ride jointly with a 1500 pound animal and go over jumps.
It has been a little over 2 years since I cut last, and I hope I never return to that place. sometimes it seems like I could slip back but i try everyday to remain Ok.
I just felt like I wanted to share my experience.
Still Riding

I'M A BIG BELIEVER IN PET THERAPY,FOR ME, IT'S LLAMAS. THANKS FOR YOUR COURAGE AND HOPE IN SHARING.

allnurses Guide · Apr 28, 2005

I never did anything like cutting waaaay back in the 1970's when I was a teen but I did use my horse as therapy and you are right it is very freeing to just take off on a trail up into the mountains on the back of a horse. I took many such rides as a teen.

Now I use exercise as therapy . . . jogging on a country road really helps me.

Best wishes . . . and I think it was great that you tried to help another person by sharing your story.

steph

landonsles · Apr 28, 2005

I, too, was a cutter from junior high until my early twenties. I hadn't really thought about it lately, until this past week when we started our psych rotation. Now it's all flooding back to me, so I find it interesting that I read your post this week of all weeks.

I can relate to everything you wrote--the perfectionist tendencies, the secrets, the pain.

Cutting was a release for me. When the pain I was feeling inside got so bad, I cut for fear that if I didn't somehow let it out, the pain would swallow me whole. The pain that I felt on the outside somehow validated and alleviated the pain on the inside all at the same time--the physical pain was taking the place of what I couldn't control. It never really worked...I would feel better for just a little bit, then I would feel even worse--like I was literally crazy and the only one who was this messed up.

I haven't done it in about 8 years. I don't think I will again b/c I have been through several stressful situations since then, and I don't even THINK about cutting. Maturity had a way of giving me better coping skills. I hope that when a few more years pass, you won't have to give it a second thought. Good luck to you!

elizabells, BSN, RN · Apr 29, 2005

I haven't done it in about 8 years. I don't think I will again b/c I have been through several stressful situations since then, and I don't even THINK about cutting. Maturity had a way of giving me better coping skills. I hope that when a few more years pass, you won't have to give it a second thought. Good luck to you

Congratulations on eight years, landonsles!!! Please, everyone who is a recovering cutter, be careful with yourself. I had four years in when I ended up in a very triggering situation and started again. Thank god I got into nursing school and realized that if I showed up with fresh scars, there might be a problem, so I stopped again. It IS an addiction, like drugs, and we, like alcoholics and addicts, must be ever vigilant. At the same time, it's not the end of the world. It's a coping mechanism, like eating, drinking, doing drugs, and we can overcome it. One day at a time.

Still Riding · Apr 29, 2005

I would feel better for just a little bit, then I would feel even worse--like I was literally crazy and the only one who was this messed up.

I would like to say that this comment is very true. That you feel that you need to cut. And you can only seem to resist it for so long. And it never makes you feel anybetter after. if anything you feel worse, kinda screwed and ashamed.

I always felt to that I had no right to feel that way. I had every oppertunity available to me and that is was selfish to feel that way never mind say it.

Thanx SR

FutureRNMichael · May 1, 2005

Thank you both for sharing. It is nice to hear the reasons why a person might cut. I have been interested in a young lady from school who cuts and it really saddens me to see her do that to herself. She is such a bright, beautiful women. I doubt she knows but I have seen cuts on her arms/wrists. Either way, maybe it is best not to become more than friends when she is working through this particular problem... I don't know?

elizabells, BSN, RN · May 4, 2005

Thank you both for sharing. It is nice to hear the reasons why a person might cut. I have been interested in a young lady from school who cuts and it really saddens me to see her do that to herself. She is such a bright, beautiful women. I doubt she knows but I have seen cuts on her arms/wrists. Either way, maybe it is best not to become more than friends when she is working through this particular problem... I don't know?

Michael - please know that what I'm about to say is only based on MY experience as a cutter, I don't presume to understand this woman's particular issues. That being said, times when I was in a long term relationship often decreased my cutting, because I was embarassed to be seen naked with fresh scars. However, the minute they ended, right back down I went. It really depends on what motivates her cutting - it can be a symptom of various things, and the underlying illness or disorder is really the issue.

CharlieRN · May 22, 2005

There are a lot of theories about what "causes" cutting. I have worked with this population for years but I have not one perfect answer.

One theory is that it is an effort to be in control of at least some aspect of one's life.

Another is that the physical pain displaces the emotional pain which the patient can't deal with anyother way.

Clearly once the behavior is established it is at least habitual and very possibly addictive. Cutting yourself causes the release of endorphins. It is reasonable to expect that one could become addicted to these opioid substances.

ARNPsomeday · May 22, 2005

Thanks everyone for sharing and helping others to understand how it feels on the inside.

elizabells, BSN, RN · May 22, 2005

There are a lot of theories about what "causes" cutting. I have worked with this population for years but I have not one perfect answer.
One theory is that it is an effort to be in control of at least some aspect of one's life.
Another is that the physical pain displaces the emotional pain which the patient can't deal with anyother way.
Clearly once the behavior is established it is at least habitual and very possibly addictive. Cutting yourself causes the release of endorphins. It is reasonable to expect that one could become addicted to these opioid substances.

I know that when I was cutting, I'd get stressed out, and a small area of my skin (usually on my inner left forearm) would start to tingle and almost itch, and it got worse and worse until I cut at it. If I cut elsewhere it didn't help. Part of the way I stopped was to decrease depth, then scratch with a pin, then a fingernail . . . gradually lowering the actual damage I was doing, while retaining the sense of stimulus.

Frankcah · May 25, 2005

At the unit I work at, we advocate to some of our patients who cut/scratch, using an elastic band around their wrist/arm. When the urge to cut/scratch is there, pull it back and let it snap back on the arm.

We have had some successes with this. It does, for some patients, relieve the urge and of course any marks are not permanent.