I was a cutter for most of high school. I would have loved to have someone in my corner. But I never told anyone, they would have been there had I let them. Noone ever knew. You would be suprised at how easy it is to hide when people aren't looking, of if they do happen to see it it is easy to excuse.
I was crying for help and no one ever knew, my mother to this day still has no idea and for some reason I never want her to. and I am an adult now.
The first time I told someone was sort of after the fact after I had stopped and was trying to help her with some the stuff that she was going through.
I was always expected to be so perfect (or at least I thought I was). and I felt like I could never measure up. I was expected to pull of great marks, and be social, be the starter for several school and outside of school sports. And be happy and energetic for all of this. and the more I felt liek i didn't measure i thought that If I picked up another activity maybe then I would I could stand tall enough. But the more I did the worse it felt and then it seemed that I had to comprimise something else to accomplish what I had commited to.
Whenever I acted even slightly unhappy I got the "smile _________, this is not how you normally act" "what is wrong?" and it just became easier to plaster on that smile and act as if nothing was wrong.
I think my experience whould ahve been alot easier had I been able to tell someone, but everytiem I thought about it...It jsut seemed like if I told someone I had failed. The perfect daughter, student athlete doens't cut....
My savior was my horse, and had I not had him I would hate to think where I would have been. Every day I would go see him, some times jsut to go see him and not ride, jsut to sit with him, in his stall, outside in the feild and even jsut going on a walk. I would liek to think that my horse ended up being my therapist. you would not beleive how freeing it is to run across a feild or to ride jointly with a 1500 pound animal and go over jumps.
It has been a little over 2 years since I cut last, and I hope I never return to that place. sometimes it seems like I could slip back but i try everyday to remain Ok.
Thank you all for being brave enough to share. It is good to hear a candid perspective from someone w/this problem as many of my pts suffer w/it, but don't necessarily have the time or inclination to go into such detail on our busy inpatient psych. unit. Good to hear from you.
kadokin, ASN, RN
550 Posts
Thank you all for being brave enough to share. It is good to hear a candid perspective from someone w/this problem as many of my pts suffer w/it, but don't necessarily have the time or inclination to go into such detail on our busy inpatient psych. unit. Good to hear from you.