mommy guilt

augurey · Dec 3, 2015

How old is he?

Mine are 2 and almost 3 months. When I first started my oldest had just turned 1. They are both in daycare all day while I'm either in class or studying (then have an evening class - 2 next semester). The guilt is always there for me, but I really try to remind myself that this is only temporary. I'm not doing this just for me, but for them. They'll be better off once I get through this. I'm lucky in the fact that my daughter loves daycare. She absolutely thrives there, so that takes a little bit of edge off the guilt (but its still there).

I try to get as much done during the day as I can. When they get home from daycare, I devote my time to them (unless I'm on a pressing deadline - care plans as they take me an obscene amount of time to complete). Once they are in bed, I can go back to doing my school work. I try to take as much time as possible on the weekends to be with them. I usually try to give them one full day and then the other day is split between them and school work (again, depending on what needs done).

I cuddle with them every chance I can, and I just generally do my best to make sure that they know that I love them very much. Yesterday, while I had a quiz and lab practical to study for (though just some last minute reviewing), I decided to go pick my 2 year old up from daycare to take her to lunch, just the two of us. She had a ball. It's something I'd like to maybe once or twice a month if I can.

I think she's really started appreciating me more, actually. From June until about October, she really didn't want much to do with me (she only wanted daddy). Lately though, when I get her from daycare, she yells out to me with a big smile on her face. When I got home from class this evening, she managed to open the door to the garage and meet me in there, and was just genuinely happy to see me. I've also started including her in on some of the things I'm doing. I mean, obviously a 2 year old isn't going to understand a thing I say or remember any of it, but over the last few days, she had so much fun when I was showing her the pictures of the muscles I was learning. A couple of weeks ago I was telling her all about bones and the skeletal system - she loved it because, even though I was doing school work, she felt included in it.

I think age is such a big factor in it though. She's not likely to remember much about this time.

I think just making time for the two of you, no school work, your 100% undivided attention, and just continue to tell him that you love him and explain what it is your doing and why. He may not understand now, but maybe the constant reassurance of what your doing and that you'll be back may help. Maybe even find something fun for you both to do, and use that as something to distract him with (as far as him having something to look forward to). Depending on age, include him, to an extent, on what you're doing. I know you mentioned he gets fussy at your mom's house. Can she watch him over at your place for the time being until he begins to adjust to you being in school? It may just be the environment or at least the environment could possibly be making it more difficult for him. Maybe if your mom can watch him at your place, maybe it'll help relieve any anxiety that he may have with you gone.

JVoEDrn · Dec 3, 2015

Your mommy guilt will get worse once you start working as a nurse. I've come to terms with the fact that this is our family dynamic, mommy is a Rn and daddy is a paramedic firefighter. We work holidays. Have ridiculously early days and crazy late nights. Dinner is rarely on the table by 6 and sometimes I sleep the day away after coming home off shift.

what do you do? Love them physically when you can. My daughters understand and occasionally need the "this is what we do" talk as a reminder. If this is the profession you choose, you have to swallow the guilt and learn how to incorporate your profession into your every day life. Days off are family days, days working we spent running and sometimes I don't see them to bed at all.

I have a 9year old, 6 year old and 8 month old. It stings sometimes but then I remember, I chose this life and I would do it again in a heart beat.

KThurmond · Dec 3, 2015

How old is he?
Mine are 2 and almost 3 months. When I first started my oldest had just turned 1. They are both in daycare all day while I'm either in class or studying (then have an evening class - 2 next semester). The guilt is always there for me, but I really try to remind myself that this is only temporary. I'm not doing this just for me, but for them. They'll be better off once I get through this. I'm lucky in the fact that my daughter loves daycare. She absolutely thrives there, so that takes a little bit of edge off the guilt (but its still there).
I try to get as much done during the day as I can. When they get home from daycare, I devote my time to them (unless I'm on a pressing deadline - care plans as they take me an obscene amount of time to complete). Once they are in bed, I can go back to doing my school work. I try to take as much time as possible on the weekends to be with them. I usually try to give them one full day and then the other day is split between them and school work (again, depending on what needs done).
I cuddle with them every chance I can, and I just generally do my best to make sure that they know that I love them very much. Yesterday, while I had a quiz and lab practical to study for (though just some last minute reviewing), I decided to go pick my 2 year old up from daycare to take her to lunch, just the two of us. She had a ball. It's something I'd like to maybe once or twice a month if I can.
I think she's really started appreciating me more, actually. From June until about October, she really didn't want much to do with me (she only wanted daddy). Lately though, when I get her from daycare, she yells out to me with a big smile on her face. When I got home from class this evening, she managed to open the door to the garage and meet me in there, and was just genuinely happy to see me. I've also started including her in on some of the things I'm doing. I mean, obviously a 2 year old isn't going to understand a thing I say or remember any of it, but over the last few days, she had so much fun when I was showing her the pictures of the muscles I was learning. A couple of weeks ago I was telling her all about bones and the skeletal system - she loved it because, even though I was doing school work, she felt included in it.
I think age is such a big factor in it though. She's not likely to remember much about this time.
I think just making time for the two of you, no school work, your 100% undivided attention, and just continue to tell him that you love him and explain what it is your doing and why. He may not understand now, but maybe the constant reassurance of what your doing and that you'll be back may help. Maybe even find something fun for you both to do, and use that as something to distract him with (as far as him having something to look forward to). Depending on age, include him, to an extent, on what you're doing. I know you mentioned he gets fussy at your mom's house. Can she watch him over at your place for the time being until he begins to adjust to you being in school? It may just be the environment or at least the environment could possibly be making it more difficult for him. Maybe if your mom can watch him at your place, maybe it'll help relieve any anxiety that he may have with you gone.

Hes 6 months. I'm glad it's worked out for you. I've thought about including him in my schoolwork when hes a little older. Right now he'd grab my picture and throw it lol I think hows its going to work out is on tuesdays and Thursdays he will be with my mom until classes are over and the other classes I'm going to schedule when my sister gets out of class so she can watch him here at my house. I'm concerned about how he's going to adjust to having me gone several hours a few days a week when hes used to being gone a night every 2 or 3 wks

KThurmond · Dec 3, 2015

Your mommy guilt will get worse once you start working as a nurse. I've come to terms with the fact that this is our family dynamic, mommy is a Rn and daddy is a paramedic firefighter. We work holidays. Have ridiculously early days and crazy late nights. Dinner is rarely on the table by 6 and sometimes I sleep the day away after coming home off shift.
what do you do? Love them physically when you can. My daughters understand and occasionally need the "this is what we do" talk as a reminder. If this is the profession you choose, you have to swallow the guilt and learn how to incorporate your profession into your every day life. Days off are family days, days working we spent running and sometimes I don't see them to bed at all.
I have a 9year old, 6 year old and 8 month old. It stings sometimes but then I remember, I chose this life and I would do it again in a heart beat.

Thanks for the insight. I'll keep that in mind. He will around 3 years old when I finish school.

direw0lf, BSN · Dec 3, 2015

He'll pick up on your emotions so feeling like you're guilty or wronged him might make him feel like you're right!

It's hard though. I just have DOGS and I felt guilty haha. You love him up when you're home :)

KThurmond · Dec 3, 2015

Yep. I sure will:coollook: I can't imagine how its going to make me feel. He's so fun. Hes so interractive and tries to get into everything.

LPNtoRNin2016OH, LPN · Dec 4, 2015

Oh yes, major mom guilt here. But for bit different reasons. I have a 6, 4, and 13 month old children and I have been in school for 2.5 years....I feel guilty for leaving them so often for school, my main energy is directed at my studies....I have to finish though otherwise I am stuck with loans we couldn't afford well on an LPN salary. I feel guilty that my husband has had to be a single dad many nights as well... My 4 year old and 13 month old are home during the day with me unless I am picking up a shift but mainly they are here with me until I leave for school in the evening. We do not get to do many fun things because I have to study during the day. Just makes me feel like poop, ugh. I'm feeling burned out lately as well, been going full force for so long and I am just ready to be done with it.

KThurmond · Dec 4, 2015

Oh yes, major mom guilt here. But for bit different reasons. I have a 6, 4, and 13 month old children and I have been in school for 2.5 years....I feel guilty for leaving them so often for school, my main energy is directed at my studies....I have to finish though otherwise I am stuck with loans we couldn't afford well on an LPN salary. I feel guilty that my husband has had to be a single dad many nights as well... My 4 year old and 13 month old are home during the day with me unless I am picking up a shift but mainly they are here with me until I leave for school in the evening. We do not get to do many fun things because I have to study during the day. Just makes me feel like poop, ugh. I'm feeling burned out lately as well, been going full force for so long and I am just ready to be done with it.

I probably sound like a broken record :singing: but it will be worth it when your finished. How much longer do you have? At least your husband is supportive. I've read on threads there the husbands threatened to leave. To help with that guilt I'd write him a note or something just to express appreciation.

KThurmond · Dec 4, 2015

I read a quote recently that said "putting school first is putting family first"

LPNtoRNin2016OH, LPN · Dec 4, 2015

I probably sound like a broken record but it will be worth it when your finished. How much longer do you have? At least your husband is supportive. I've read on threads there the husbands threatened to leave. To help with that guilt I'd write him a note or something just to express appreciation.

Not a broken record, sometimes I need to be reminded otherwise I will cry lol. I have 18 months left. Yes, I am very lucky my husband is supportive. This has been as hard on him as it is on me. He encouraged me to go to school in the first place. But, I think he is ready to have his wife back someday soon lol. I do need to do more nice things like planning a date or what not, he knows I couldn't do this without him! Good luck to you by the way, all of moms need to stop being hard on ourselves (myself included!) and remember we are doing this so our kids can have a better life and we can achieve our goals at the same time.

rollieschmollie · Dec 4, 2015

Oh man, I know I'm going to be feeling plenty when I start school in January. I'm already dreading leaving her for school. It's been me and her every single day since the day she was born. But I gotta do what will be best for the family in the long run. And hope that she won't remember me being gone or studying all the time years from now.