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being a mom and a student

Posted

Specializes in OB.

Hi everyone,

This may be a bit personal for my first post, but I'd really like to hear everyone's opinions.

My fiance and I have been talking about when would be the best time for us to start a family. I originally thought it would be best to wait until I was completely done with school. I have a bachelors in biology and will be graduating from an accelerated BSN program in December. I hope to start right out in L and D to get the experience that many of my prospective midwifery schools want from their applicants. If all goes according to plan I could start midwifery school in the Fall of 2010 and graduate spring 2012.

For those of you that are current midwifery students or who have gotten advice from others on this issue, would I be crazy if I decided to have a baby before midwifery school starts? It would mean having a 6-month old (probably) and starting school. I could also wait until Fall 2011 to start school and then have a toddler. Would it just make more sense to wait until I've finished school?

My fiance is concerned that if we keep putting it off there will always be a reason to wait and that with both of our careers there won't ever be an absolutely perfect time.

Thank you!

kitchenluvr

Specializes in ICU/Critical Care.

I can totally relate! I am faced with starting school this spring and am hoping to be pregnant by next fall (if all goes as planned). I am trying my best to adopt your fiance's attitude though and have to agree that there will probably never be a "perfect" time in life to do these things. I say go for starting your family and let life happen around that. Hope that helps!

bebeleche

Specializes in Family Practice, Women's Health.

Just my 2 cents, but at age 23 you could really go either way, b/c you have the luxury of time (at least in theory). Personally, I went for the baby-making first, mostly b/c I hit my 30's, but also I rationalized that the wisdom, experience and perspective of motherhood could only help me become a better midwife. The downside is I am forever feeling like I am putting off my vocation- the waiting game.

One midwife I spoke with did her education while her child was an infant and said it was the hardest thing she'd ever done. But she made it and is now in a great practice. Either way, one has to find a balance. Good luck:)

Smark35

Specializes in LDRP. Has 10 years experience.

Pinkpeony,

My advice to you is to get your education, then have your children. You are very young. I was an LPN when my son was born, and returned to school when he was two. I had to work part time while going to school full time, and I never got back that time that I lost with him. I was proud of my accomplishment, but carry some real regret that I missed out on so many precious moments.

I am now preparing to return to graduate school with a fourteen year old, a 10 year old, and a 2 year old. The only reason I can even consider doing this is I plan to complete a distance program. I can study during naptimes, early in the morning, and late at night. I will still work part time, but hopefully my children will still remember what my face looks like! lol.

Will having children make you a better, more sensitive care provider? It could, but I don't think that carries as much weight as being a more present parent. Does that make sense? Just my $.02. Good luck, whatever you decide. Shannon :)

Hi All,

In my first semester of nursing school I was pregnant and my baby was born at home (one hour labor) in the hot tub on Thanksgiving break!

I brought her to school the following Monday for an exam, and managed to get through school. Although, I almost didn't make it the next semester. Something had to give so I quit nursing...the baby.

I was 8 months pregnant again on graduation and was studying for the boards with the kids in the basement with me while my hubby was upstairs remodeling the kitchen (nesting instinct?). My baby was born a little early so studying for the boards with a toddler, a newborn, and a 10 year old with my husband knocking out concrete, dust flying all over everything, making peanut butter sandwiches for dinner and watching Kaplan online was FUN!:banghead:

But I got through it all. I sat for the boards for 5 1/2 hours, and walked out of there with my blouse soaking wet in breast milk and completely out-of-my-mind!

So, on that note. I am going to graduate school this December. I am working full time and studying part time. No more babies for me!

zahryia, LPN

Specializes in L&D, QI, Public Health.

Hi All,

In my first semester of nursing school I was pregnant and my baby was born at home (one hour labor) in the hot tub on Thanksgiving break!

I brought her to school the following Monday for an exam, and managed to get through school. Although, I almost didn't make it the next semester. Something had to give so I quit nursing...the baby.

I was 8 months pregnant again on graduation and was studying for the boards with the kids in the basement with me while my hubby was upstairs remodeling the kitchen (nesting instinct?). My baby was born a little early so studying for the boards with a toddler, a newborn, and a 10 year old with my husband knocking out concrete, dust flying all over everything, making peanut butter sandwiches for dinner and watching Kaplan online was FUN!:banghead:

But I got through it all. I sat for the boards for 5 1/2 hours, and walked out of there with my blouse soaking wet in breast milk and completely out-of-my-mind!

So, on that note. I am going to graduate school this December. I am working full time and studying part time. No more babies for me!

Wow, you're incredible!

I did my Midwifery training the first time (thats a different thread) whilst my son was 18mths chose that time on purpose still napping bed early like playing in the garden - he had finished nursing so for me it was perfect timing - but each to there own this time I have an 11yr old 6 yr old and 3yr old - this timing is not the best for me but sometimes you go to do what you have got to do!

Hello,

If I were in your shoes, I would get the education done first!!! You are still very young "obstetrically" speaking and the demands of getting a degree while having a baby to take care of are tremendous--you will feel pulled in every direction and chronically exhausted. When I decided to change careers and go to nursing school, I had a 12-month old, and 3 other children under the age of 7. I was in an accelerated BSN program that lasted 16-months and while I managed to hold it together and get good grades, I feel like I lost that time with my children and the baby, I was often a basket case, and I wish I could have done it differently. My 4 kids knew their babysitter better than me! I missed many of the "firsts" that moms cherish with their babies...

Don't fall into the trap that you have to have everything at once, or that you must be superwoman. Also, what you may not have considered is that you mentioned a finance--you did not say when you are getting married. There is a necessary adjustment time of several years when you get married that makes for a solid foundation in marriage. Getting married, having a baby right away, and pursuing a demanding degree is a recipe for trouble. You can have it all--just don't do it all at one time.

When my parents married, I was born 9 months and 4 days later and then my brother arrived 19 months later. My parents divorced after 5 years of marriage. They said they never had the chance to know each other first as partners. Being married is diferent than living together. My husband and I have been married for 24 years. We dated for three years before marrying. Even though we thought we knew each other and we loved each other dearly, there was often tension and arguing the first year as we adjusted to each other. Things settled in place after the first year and we felt happy and contented. We waited until our 4th anniversary before we started trying for a baby and it was the best decision ever. If you were 40 years old, I may have had different advice, but you are still very young and have much time. Good luck with everything!

Bree124, BSN, RN

Specializes in L&D.

First of all, congrats on your engagement!

I am currently in grad school, and I have four children. My oldest turned 7 a few days ago. I won't lie, it is very difficult. Definitely not impossible - I am getting good grades and love being in school, but it's tough. My 2 yr old wants to stay home with mommy, and doesn't understand why he has to go to daycare. And it's hard when I have three tests and TONS of paperwork due in a three day span, and my kids don't understand why mom is gone to the library all weekend and can't play at the park.

I also constantly stress about what will happen if one of them (or all of them!) get sick and can't go to preschool/daycare - we have no family in the area, and the idea of missing clinicals or a test terrifies me.

I love being a young parent, but I have also told my husband that if I could somehow have these EXACT same four children, just ten years down the road, I would do that. Being able to avoid putting them through this time in life would be the main reason. However, I obviously can't change my choices now, and I really, really love being a mother. I think it gives me perspective, and a better idea of the big picture than my classmates who are single and childless.

I will say though... It drives me up a wall when the aforementioned classmates complain about how tired they are, how much work school is, how they don't have time for themselves, etc. :banghead:

All that being said - I don't think you need to rush to have children, but if you feel that you are meant to be a young mother, and know that you will be able to balance the responsibilities and time management that comes with being a parent and a student - go for it! Your fiance is right - no one would have children if they waited for the "perfect" time to do it. But you are young, and you do have many childbearing years left, so don't feel rushed if you are not ready.

I am having second thoughts about going to school this December because of my family obligations. I have a 10 year old, a 2.5 year old and a 14 month old. My hubby and I are considering the possibility of purchasing a new home because the one we live in is too small for all of us. I am starting a new job in L&D this Sunday and will have to work 75% for the first year. I have been accepted into Frontiers midwifery program for this december and want to go soooooo bad!

The problem is that I haven't even had time to read through my orientation manual for L&D. I have a sitter to watch the kids while I sleep but her hours aren't going to work for me if I am in school. I have looked into daycare and can probably get them in this December.

Honestly, I have not enjoyed being a mother lateley. I have been very angry and tired. I feel overwhelmed as it is...and I'm not even in school yet!

I want to be a CNM more than anything.

Financially, my income isn't enough to support my family. My hubby is starting a new business and is making some money, enough to get us by. But I worry about the strain on our marriage and our kids.

I have been so stressed out that I have considered getting a divorce.

My hubby and I became pregnant after 1 month of dating, married when she was 5 weeks old, I was in school, then had another baby, I graduated, and now, 1.5 years later (post graduation), I want to pursue my dreams of becoming a CNM but wonder if I need to let the dust settle so to speak.

My hubby and I haven't had time to get to know each other. We have been busy busy busy and I have become increasingly resentful and angry.

So...any suggestions out there?:crying2:

Smark35

Specializes in LDRP. Has 10 years experience.

Goozgog,

My heart goes out to you and your family. It's horrible to feel so torn between things that are important to you. As an experienced L&D nurse, I can tell you that the first year or so of learning L&D is pretty hard. There is a steep learning curve. I divorced my first husband when my son was 7 and my first daughter was 3. I wouldn't wish the hell of that on my worst enemy. In the long run, my ex and I are friendly and we live a block apart from each other to share custody of the kids. But there was a rough year or two there when I thought the hurt would never end. And watching the pain we caused our kids......there aren't even words for that.

If you are this stressed out already, maybe deferring a couple of semesters would be enough to help you figure out what you need to do to accomplish your goals, and leave your family intact. If your marriage can be saved- save it. It sounds like you guys are overloading yourselves with stress. New home, young kids, young marriage, new job, new business, financial worries.....and grad school?? If you were to take one of those quizzes they have on life stress...your results would be very sobering.

This is one of those decisions that only you can make. I can tell you that I've been guilty of overloading myself many times throughout my life. The few times that I've stepped back and listened to my inner voice screaming "this is too much", I've never regretted it. Good luck to you. Please let us know what you decide. Shannon

mom2michael, MSN, RN, NP

Specializes in Rural Health.

Goozog

Oh sweetie, grad school will always be there. Your kids, your marriage and your sanity might not.

I'm going to speak from the side of the "been there done that club". L&D is a rough, rocky road even for an experienced nurse. HUGE learning curve and like nothing you have ever done. I love, love, love my job but it's taken it's toll on me the last 3 months. I've never doubted myself so much as a human, let alone a nurse.

But I really love it and I love doing what I do so it's all worth it in the end. And it gets better every day I work.

I could not imagine doing this and starting grad school at the same time though. It's way too much in the lines of info overload.

Then tack on 3 small kids, a husband doing a new business venture and a somewhat rocky marriage and buying a house......I agree with Smark35, your life stress is out of this world right now.

It is OK to take a step back and slow down a bit. Start the L&D job this week, focus on that, get your bearings in L&D. You said you can't drop to

In the mean time, take the time you would've spent studying and work on your happiness, your kids and your family.

Grad school will still be there a few terms from now........

And your dreams of being a CNM won't die - in fact they'll get stronger when you go to L&D...at least they have for me.

Keep us updated on what you decide!!!!

(((((HUGS))))))

I have a bit of a different perspective but I give it w/ the disclaimer that I have never been pg during school (I am just now taking pre-req's w/ a 3 year old son at home).

My dh and I got married very young and wanted to start having kids right away. Everyone told us we had plenty of time, we were so young, yada yada yada. LONG story short, we dealt w/ unexplained IF for three years before finally getting pregnant.

So definetly do what's best for you and your fiance, but don't fall into the line of thinking you have "plenty of time" and end up having children much much later than you had planned.

If you don't mind having children in your thirties or so on, then I guess waiting really wouldn't be such a big deal. I was not comfortable w/ the thought of just beginning motherhood at that age (for many personal reasons) so i'm glad we started right trying right away so that three years of infertility didn't put me in the spot of having to decide if I wanted to be a mom later on in life.

I have been thinking about what Smark35 and Mom2micheal have said and here is what I have decided...

First of all, I have quit my tele job and am now orienting to L&D. Since I left my last job I have been on a normal schedule, meaning I get to sleep at night. I didn't realize how hard straight nights were. I thought I had it under control but now realize that part of my problem was that I was purely exhausted! I have also cut my schedule back to 75%.

As far as grad school goes, I'm going for it!

There is never a "right time" to go to grad school, just like there is never a "right time" to have a baby. I will be going to school part time, so with a 75% schedule at work, part time school and day care I think I will be okay.

We are insane to think that we could sell our house and break even right now with the economy the way it is (all the more reason to get my CNM now). Therefore, buying a new home will have to wait a while.

Since I left tele, I am finding myself loving my family the way I knew I did. My husband and I are getting along, I'm nice to him and my little ones, and I even took my kids to the zoo today which I never could have done on my straight night schedule just becuase I was always too tired to do anything.

I want to be a CNM more than anything.

On my first day at L&D, I cried the whole way to work becuase I am just so grateful to begin my journey of midwifery.

I do have a lot to learn in L&D. I spent all of my third day being a doula by accident. It wasn't part of this weeks orientation, I just threw my nursing skills aside and focused on the laboring mom. I cry every shift it seems. I feel like I am in my element.

I am 39 years old and don't feel like I have time to wait. I am afraid that if I put school off now then I am in danger of putting it off forever. This is what I went to nursing school for. If it wasn't for "my calling" to midwifery I never would have made it through my BSN program. I feel that by not going I am violating my soul. Does this sound a little wierd?

I will be speaking with my new manager next week regarding my schedule. I think I will have to work 50-50, but I am going to see what I can do to work more days than nights.

I realize that CNM's get called at night and that is okay. I think it's a spiritual journey so helping a mom give birth can only fill me up with love and gratitude. Right?

I think I should stop writing now, I am sounding like a wierdo.

Thanks for your support. I really needed to hear what you both had to say.:redpinkhe

Smark35

Specializes in LDRP. Has 10 years experience.

Goozgog,

I'm glad your decision is one you feel good about. Follow your heart. It rarely leads you astray. :) Good luck to you! And I know what you mean about straight nights. I did it once and I was a totally different person. I couldn't imagine doing it with children. I know it works very well for some people, but I could never adjust to sleeping during the day, so I just didn't sleep. Keep us posted about your journey! Shannon

mom2michael, MSN, RN, NP

Specializes in Rural Health.

Goozgog

I'm so glad that you made the decision that's gonna effect YOU the best. I just know wonderful things are gonna happen for you!!!!!

Instead of crying daily, I cry weekly now so it really does get better. And believe me, I know that "being out of your element" thing. It's a crazy, wild ride sometimes in L&D but then I get a totally awesome birth with some awesome parents and it's worth every single second of my orientation no matter how crazy it's been.

And no, you are not a weirdo. My passion for my moms/babies is what keeps me sane at work and is what keeps me pluggin' along at my final dream with is CNM. Even on the days I think, I can't do this anymore - I think.....NO, I have to do this because I want to be a Midwife.

I think now that you've made peace with what you want in life, everything else will fall into play now for you and your family. :yeah:

m2m.

I know this is an old post, but I have been thinking about this issue a lot lately so I just wanted to get it off my chest...

I've been realizing over the course of the past year that what I really want to do is become a midwife, and have decided to go back to school and do an accelerated BSN/MSN program for nursing/midwifery. I've been working in public health, and would really like to combine midwifery with a public health perspective, so I'm thinking about doing a combined MPH/MSN degree through Columbia. This is a lot of school ahead of me and while I'm excited for it, I'm also wondering when on earth I'm going to start the family I've always wanted.

I'm 26 now and, because I can't apply to nursing school until next year, will be 28 when I enter. I'll have a BSN at 29 and be a CNM at 31. If I do the combined degree I'll get my MPH a year later, when I'm 32.

I know 31 or 32 isn't too late to have children by any means, but I feel like it's kind of pushing it if you know you want to have more than one. What if I have fertility problems? What if it just takes a while to get pregnant? (What if, heaven help me, I want to continue on to the DNP or DrPH?!)

On the other hand, my very-soon-to-be husband and I could start trying right after we get married, which will mean I'm entering nursing school with a one year old. He is a very supportive man, and we have been together for 5 years already, but the timing seems off: the before-nursing school scenario is sooner than I had imagined having a child (and seriously, doing an accelerated BSN when you have a one year old?!!) but 31 or 32 is later than we had imagined starting to try - we'll have been together for 10 years at that point, enough already! :o

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? The whole thing makes me wish I'd figured this out just a few years earlier in life...

arabianeyez83

Specializes in ER. Has 7 years experience.

I am 26 years old, just had my first baby he will be 3 months old...by the time i start graduate school he will be 6 months old..I will be working full time and doing the program part time. It's doable!

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