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    All hospital Staff
    Page 1
    Monday, November 13, 2000


    MEMO:
    To: All hospital staff
    From: Administration/grounds keeping
    Subject: New cost cutting measures
    Date: November 13, 2000
    Effective March 1, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each Charge Nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be kept in the pharmacy. In addition to routine duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the parking areas. In light of the similarities, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors as well as secretarial duties.

    Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something, or they may wish to make arrangements with Subway, Dominoes, etc. before meal time. Coin operated phones will be available in the patients rooms for this purpose, as well as the other calls the patients may wish to make.

    Housekeeping and Physical Therapy will be combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercises as well as contributing to a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts from their final bill. Time cards will be provided.

    As you can see from the "From" line above, administration is assuming the grounds keeping operations. If an administrator can not be reached by calling his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn blower, weed eater, etc.

    Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital is subscribing to the "Time-Life How To.." series of maintenance books. These books can be checked out from administration and a toolbox will be standard equipment on the nursing units. It will need to be checked each shift with the code cart. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on "Basic Wiring". If a non-electrical problem occurs please try to handle it until the appropriate volume arrives.

    Cutbacks in the phlebotomy department will be accommodated on performing blood related lab tests on patients actively bleeding.

    Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two X-rays per patient per day. This is due to the turn around time at Eckerd's photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Revco will also honor competitors coupons for one hour processing in emergency situations. If you come across extra coupons, please send them to the emergency room.

    In light of the recently hot summer, AEP has been asked to install meters in each patient's room. This is to insure that accurate billing can occur. Fans are available for lease or purchase in the hospital gift shop.

    In addition to the current recycling program, a bin has been added for unused fruits and breads from each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for noscomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available through the hospital pharmacy, and will, coincidentally, be the only antibiotics listed on the hospital's formulary.

    Bob Creaton, CEO/Landscaper
    Administration/Grounds Keeping

    More humor at http://members.citynet.net/dustoffsix/humor.htm
    or http://members.citynet.net/dustoffsix/

    ------------------
    They can eat me, but they can't kill me.

  • 0

    MATH QUIZ FOR EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT STAFF

    1. You are assisting a primary nurse with charcoal administration
    down an orogastric tube. The room measures eight feet by twelve
    feet. The patient starts to retch before the tube is pulled. Knowing
    that charcoal can spew out of a tube in a five foot radius (even with
    a thumb over the opening) and the stretcher is two feet wide, how many
    feet per second do you have to back up to get less charcoal on you
    than the primary nurse?

    2. Doctor A picks up a chart out of the rack. S/he finds that it is
    a repeat patient with abdominal pain. Doctor A puts the chart back.
    Doctor B picks up the chart five minutes later and also returns it
    to the rack. Doctor A leaves the nurses' station heading south at
    three miles per hour. Doctor B leaves the nurses station for the
    doctors' lounge at five miles per hour. How long before the patient
    is at equal distance from Doctor A and Doctor B?

    3. You were assigned two large treatment rooms and the gynecologic
    room. By the end of the day you have cared for ten patients. Four
    patients were female over the age of 80, all complaining of weakness.
    Two patients were male, ages 72 and 50. The last four were female,
    between the ages of 24 and 40, all complaining of abdominal pain.
    It is 3:00 p.m. and time to restock the rooms. How many bedpans
    will you need?

    4. You are the primary nurse for an elderly patient with
    congestive heart failure. The IV stick was exceptionally
    difficult, but you are able to start an 18 gauge catheter
    on the second attempt. You leave the room to check on another
    patient. A relative thinks that the IV has stopped dripping
    and opens the clamp. How much IV fluid will infuse before
    you return?

    5. You are sent for your morning coffee break. You need to
    use the restroom but can't find one unoccupied and have to
    walk down to the lobby. The coffee pot is dry and you have
    to make more. When you get to the cafeteria, the line extends
    ten feet into the hallway. You can't remember exactly when
    your break began. How much time do you have left?

    6. You are the primary nurse taking care of a particularly
    shy female in the gynecology room. Her private physician
    arrives to see her, but you can see that he is not in a
    particularly good mood. After much coaxing, the patient
    agrees to a pelvic exam. How many people will open the
    door during the exam?

    7. An elderly man arrives in the Emergency Department by
    rescue squad. Twenty minutes later his wife arrives and
    registers him. She is shown the entrance to the department
    and slowly shuffles in. How many rooms will she walk into
    before she finds him?

    8. You are assigned to the EENT room. You have a patient to
    be checked for a peritonsillar abscess. The ENT physician has
    been paged and expects to arrive in 45 minutes. Three hours
    later, he arrives and is at the patient's side, asking for
    a flashlight. Lightly jogging at 22 miles per hour, how many
    rooms will you have to search before you find one?

    9. You have been asked to cover a coworker's rooms during her
    break. One of her patients is an elderly, confused male with
    an enlarged prostate. A catheter has been inserted and his
    physician is coming to see him. Somehow he manages to get
    off the stretcher. The drainage bag is firmly hooked to the
    side rail. Knowing that the catheter is 16 inches long and
    the drainage tubing is three feet long, will he be able to
    reach the door before pulling out the catheter?

    ------------------
    They can eat me, but they can't kill me.

  • 0

    MATH QUIZ FOR EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT STAFF

    1. You are assisting a primary nurse with charcoal administration
    down an orogastric tube. The room measures eight feet by twelve
    feet. The patient starts to retch before the tube is pulled. Knowing
    that charcoal can spew out of a tube in a five foot radius (even with
    a thumb over the opening) and the stretcher is two feet wide, how many
    feet per second do you have to back up to get less charcoal on you
    than the primary nurse?

    2. Doctor A picks up a chart out of the rack. S/he finds that it is
    a repeat patient with abdominal pain. Doctor A puts the chart back.
    Doctor B picks up the chart five minutes later and also returns it
    to the rack. Doctor A leaves the nurses' station heading south at
    three miles per hour. Doctor B leaves the nurses station for the
    doctors' lounge at five miles per hour. How long before the patient
    is at equal distance from Doctor A and Doctor B?

    3. You were assigned two large treatment rooms and the gynecologic
    room. By the end of the day you have cared for ten patients. Four
    patients were female over the age of 80, all complaining of weakness.
    Two patients were male, ages 72 and 50. The last four were female,
    between the ages of 24 and 40, all complaining of abdominal pain.
    It is 3:00 p.m. and time to restock the rooms. How many bedpans
    will you need?

    4. You are the primary nurse for an elderly patient with
    congestive heart failure. The IV stick was exceptionally
    difficult, but you are able to start an 18 gauge catheter
    on the second attempt. You leave the room to check on another
    patient. A relative thinks that the IV has stopped dripping
    and opens the clamp. How much IV fluid will infuse before
    you return?

    5. You are sent for your morning coffee break. You need to
    use the restroom but can't find one unoccupied and have to
    walk down to the lobby. The coffee pot is dry and you have
    to make more. When you get to the cafeteria, the line extends
    ten feet into the hallway. You can't remember exactly when
    your break began. How much time do you have left?

    6. You are the primary nurse taking care of a particularly
    shy female in the gynecology room. Her private physician
    arrives to see her, but you can see that he is not in a
    particularly good mood. After much coaxing, the patient
    agrees to a pelvic exam. How many people will open the
    door during the exam?

    7. An elderly man arrives in the Emergency Department by
    rescue squad. Twenty minutes later his wife arrives and
    registers him. She is shown the entrance to the department
    and slowly shuffles in. How many rooms will she walk into
    before she finds him?

    8. You are assigned to the EENT room. You have a patient to
    be checked for a peritonsillar abscess. The ENT physician has
    been paged and expects to arrive in 45 minutes. Three hours
    later, he arrives and is at the patient's side, asking for
    a flashlight. Lightly jogging at 22 miles per hour, how many
    rooms will you have to search before you find one?

    9. You have been asked to cover a coworker's rooms during her
    break. One of her patients is an elderly, confused male with
    an enlarged prostate. A catheter has been inserted and his
    physician is coming to see him. Somehow he manages to get
    off the stretcher. The drainage bag is firmly hooked to the
    side rail. Knowing that the catheter is 16 inches long and
    the drainage tubing is three feet long, will he be able to
    reach the door before pulling out the catheter?



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