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randomnamees
40 Posts
Found on the net at: http://phc.mpr.org/activities/19951231_comedy/scripts1.htm
Medical Grade Duct Tape
Announcer: In these economic times it's important to find new answers to old problems. That's why the Duct Tape Corporation is pleased to announce new Medical Grade Duct tape.
Sound: Operating Room noises.
Doctor: Is the patient ready?
Nurse: They're wheeling him in now.
Patient: Ohhh.
Doctor: This should be a simple triple by-pass. Scalpel
Nurse: Here, Doctor
patient: (nervously) Ahh, wait a minute. Shouldn't I be sedated first?
Doctor: What? Do you know what that would cost? Nurse?
Nurse: Yes, Doctor?
Doctor: Tape him down.
Sound: Rip. Rip.
Patient: (paniced) I don't know about this. This doesn't seem like a good idea.
Sound: Rip.
Patient: Mmmm, Uhhh, Mmmm
Doctor: Quit complaining. You'll faint as soon as we start cutting! Okay, making the first incision.
Nurse: First incision.
Doctor: Suction.
Sound: Vacumn and sucking noises.
Doctor: That's good.
Sound: Slurping sound.
Doctor: This machine is much better than the old one. Will this be available for my four o'clock?
Nurse: The Janitor needs it back at five.
Doctor: We'll have to work quickly then. Okay...here's the problem. Ohh!
Nurse: Problem doctor?
Doctor: These arteries are really plugged up! It's like a fat fryer in here. Okay. Time to re-connect the major artery.
Nurse: Suture?
Doctor: No Tape...Duct Tape.
Nurse: Duct Tape Doctor?
Doctor: Yes, it's quicker, easier, and it doesn't bio-degrade.
Sound: Ripping of tape.
Doctor: Okay, just have to watch...oh damn!
Nurse: Problem?
Doctor: Yes. The bottom has stuck to the middle. Can you get that?
Nurse: Here?
Doctor: No, you're twisting it. Yes. That's it. Okay. Let's close.
Sound: Ripping of tape.
Doctor: That's good.
Nurse: Yes Doctor.
Doctor: It's bleeding a little there. Stick another piece on.
Sound: Ripping
Doctor: Longer.
Sound: Rip
Doctor: Bit more.
Sound Rip
Doctor: Perfect.
Announcer: Three days later...
Doctor: So, Mr Jones, how are you feeling?
Patient: (weakly) A bit better..
Doctor: Just want to check how you're healing...
Sound: Long loud rip
Patient: Blood curdling scream.
Doctor: Very good. That's coming along nicely. I'll just get the nurse to tape you up again. Nurse!
Announcer: Yes, new medical grade Duct Tape, doing our bit to bring down medical costs and helping to save Medicare.
[This message has been edited by laugh (edited September 14, 1999).]