Making the best of AA?

[dirtyhippiegirl, BSN, RN]

So I have been in AA for nearly a year now. Did two stints in an AA-based rehab. Spent nine very much needed weeks in an Oxford House. Got a sponsor. Worked the Steps. Did a little bit of volunteer work. (Mostly going back to my rehab to shill for Oxford, lol.)

And AA just isn't for me. I'm not getting anything out of it. I've gone to a lot of different groups and...yeah. My husband goes to a Buddhist sobriety group that, when I go with him, I do get something more out of. And I think I might be interested in SMART although the meetings are scarce in my area.

But those aren't AA groups and my contract mandates that I attend AA-meetings. Our monthly check-ins revolve around what AA groups we are attending, what AA service work we are doing, and what Step we are on. The director of my monitoring program is a HUGE AA guy. And with already having relapsed in the program once, I really don't want to rock the boat by kvetching about AA.

I've basically become one of those folks who just shows up at meetings to get a paper signed and it makes me feel awful. And a little resentful.

Has anyone gone through this? Found some way to...I guess..."make" AA work for you? (Which I intellectually understand is impossible but I'd like to not waste the time I have to put in to the program for the next 2+ years.)

[Twoyearnurse]

Oh girl, I'm sorry it doesn't work for you. A lot would say you aren't putting enough effort into it but I don't subscribe to that. My first sponsor actually left AA to another 12 step program through her church and that seems to work very well for her. While it works for most I do not think it works for all. And it sounds like you've really tried.

So my advice would be to continue doing what your doing, putting sobriety first, attending those meetings because you have to and then also attending another group to help you with your journey. These things can't be forced, I understand that.

[nowim clean]

This is just my 2 cents, why don't you do the AA/NA meetings your program dictates that you do with an open mind if you hear something helpful take it if not leave it in the rooms. Get that sponsor I preferred having a nurse who was also in the program and truly work the steps especially step 4. Then above all that you can still go to the Buddhist programs you like , maybe the extra meetings will help you. I know when I was forced to do rehab and after care for 1 year I resented being there but I always tried to take something with me. Now years later I still find myself going back to something that was said in the rooms. I hope you find something that will work for you.

[catmom1, BSN, RN]

To the OP, I completed six years of going to 12 step meetings 3 times per week. I still go to a couple of them purely for the social/personal interaction and the chance to share with other people who are trying to live decent, sane lives.

This is one time that I have taken my dearly departed father's advice: "Some things are better left unsaid." This is because I think AA/NA is a cult founded on 1930's male sensibilities that are very damaging if swallowed whole without thinking about them critically. When I hear a whole lotta "stepspeak" I just keep quiet and it passes. (Believe me, keeping quiet does not come naturally for me!)

I recovered because I got rational, non-12 step help completely unrelated to the punishment I got from my BON.

My advice to you is to suck it up and do it and try to find kind people who you admire at the meetings. I doubt you will have to put up with it as long as I did.

Catmom :paw:

[Earthmama]

I have kind of a love hate relationship with 12 step meetings. I find that it is mostly b.s. with some little gems of wisdom thrown in - but those little gems have proven invaluable to me. When I get focused on the things I don't agree with or don't like, I can miss those little nuggets of truth that could one day save my life. I just try to go in with an open mind - low expectations and high acceptance - and I usually walk away with at least one thing I can use to aid me in my journey.

I have also worked the steps with a sponsor, and when I look at them as a process of self discovery instead of required work, it goes much easier for me. It's all about perception, and it's amazing how the picture changes when I alter the way I look at it.

And finally, if I get nothing else from these meetings, I get to spend an hour out of my day with people who are struggling with the same disease that I am. Sometimes in my daily life I feel like no one understands me or what I deal with and going to those meetings remind me that it's not just me and I'm not alone.

I hope your meetings get better for you. Good luck on your journey.

[dirtyhippiegirl, BSN, RN]

Belated thank you for the replies. Earthmama - I think you're on the page closest to my book, lol.

I do make an active decision to get something out of every meeting I go to. Sometimes it is one of those gems that help keep me sober. Sometimes it is practicing tolerance or active listening or mindfulness. Can't let myself get wrapped up in what I don't agree with or else I just get angry and frustrated and then nothing gets accomplished.

My sponsor thinks I need to bridge out with the fellowship part of meetings. I tend not to say much at meetings for fear of being labeled a dry drunk/talked down to/etc. so I think I probably come off as standoffish. I also feel like people who have to have paperwork signed at meetings are looked down upon in general...even though for some period of time I was going to at least one meeting a day, etc. (I probably did 90 in 60.) But I know that she has gotten crap from other members for getting a little too heavy into the fellowship and skimping on step work, lol. Oh. AA politics. I don't understand it.

I do get resentful during the busy weeks when I have to "choose" AA over doing something recovery oriented that isn't AA in order to meet my quota.

[Stalirris]

Why don't you try the NA meetings? Get involved in setting up or cleaning up. Become the treasurer of your home group as a service. Go to coffee afterwards instead of going home right away. Force yourself to at least read one of the openers.

Making connections and friends in the meetings is the best way to stay clean. My husband has 30 years clean and I have 27. We have decades long friendships from people we've met in the rooms. We met at a meeting.

AA is different now than when I first started going to meetings. I didn't like it back then. Too much talk about the substance and blaming the substance. I found NA to be more on point in terms of how my disease would mess with me. There was less talk about the substance and more talk about why we did the things we did/do. Like I said, though, I understand AA is different now but all my friends go to NA so I stick with that.

[Omaapecm, ASN, RN]

It took me a very long time to find a home group that made me feel comfortable. Being active in my meeting and in group in general has helped keep me sober. My group has become part of my family and everyday life and I think that's how it is supposed to feel. When I first started going I would go to co-Ed AA because that was all that was listed in the paper. I was so uncomfortable and this became very counterproductive. I was fortunate to find a place I can know call home I. NA and it is all women so I like that. We do lunch or will walk to the Marina and it has become part of me. Find what and where works for you. And when you do it will all make sense.