Lost that grateful feeling

[larrn1]

So I've been in a monitoring program for 3 years due to opiate addiction. I still have probably up to 6 months to go even though I should have been done this January 2015 but they didn't sign their part of the contract til months after I actually started....grrrr. Anyway, throughout this whole thing I have been lucky. Felony charges revoked and misdemeanor eventually expunged, received unemployment from the job i diverted from, got a job one year into monitoring that so happens to be the best and most well paid job in nursing I have ever had. This time last year I felt so so grateful for my second chance but now that feeling is gone. I was afraid this would happen. I was called for testing today and being it so New Year's Eve there were no testing sites open near me so I had to spend hours at the end of my day to get to one that was open. I was so mad about it I called my Pnap monitor and yelled at her voicemail. I am in such a slump because I just have had it with this program and the fees and the testing and want it to be over already! Why has my gratitude disappeared?

[nowim clean]

you lost sight of where you was at 3 years ago. remember what it was like 3 years ago

[CVeyeseeyou]

You're so close. Chin up! You're more than a 2nd chance...your a successful RN!

[xoemmylouox, ASN, RN]

I would call back and apologize to your monitor. I'm sure many were chosen because of the day. It's not their fault that you had to wait around for the testing. You might be chosen more often now. It's best to not make enemies with those who have control over our livelihoods, especially with you being so close to the end.

[Twoyearnurse]

Hahaha! And I only laugh because this happens to me all the time. We are now full fledged members of the human race again. Be gentle with yourself!

Gratitude is one of those emotions ( like all others) that ebs and flows. If you are anything like me then maybe you have "goldfish" brain (as I like to call it- you know? 30 second memory span?). As in "I am sad, I will always be sad" or "I'm drying, I will always be dying".

Remember way back when this all started. Fear, confusion, anger, and sadness were a mainstay of emotions. It felt like it wasn't going to change. None of this could be fixed. And then we experienced gratitude and hope. Little by slowly happiness and excitement returned. We became people again. And now we get to do what people do.

The gratitude will return. As all those quirky emotions do. But I agree you should apologize. The following is a quote from another member here and it is one that has stuck with me throughout this process: there is a fine like between humility and humiliation, gratitude is embedded within that thin line.

[Twoyearnurse]

Just for the sake of it I am going to share a recent experience with this. I got fired over a year ago and started my road to recovery.

I faced the the board and got my license and everyone was super supportive and quite lovely towards me. I got my own place again. I got a new job that is absolutely amazing and just kills me with the confidence it brings me. I am really active in my 12 step program. And all of this happened in the course of about two months (after a lot of actions on my part and hard work). And you'd think that with everything falling into place perfectly that I would be...grateful, elated, ecstatic...but this was not the case.

I respond to good things and bad things about the same way- with anxiety about what the next step is. It's pretty much the reason why I can't have nice things. What I have been trying to learn is how to be okay with change, and even more importantly just being okay. With sitting with myself and learning how to just "be". Eh gads I wish I could be one of those people that just seem to have these skills. It's all a learning curve. Please please don't get frustrated with yourself. You are doing well!

[sallyrnrrt, ADN, RN]

yea, I would follow up that call with an "im sorry it was frustrating, trying to find a site open, with holiday closings, and add I appreciate your guidance and help. ;)"