First let me say that I am NOT working at this time. Two years ago I entered a rehab and stayed for a month recovering from pain pill addiction after surgery. After being sober for two years, I had decided to go back to nursing in the field of recovery working at a rehab. Suddenly one day I felt this incredible urge to urinate, and it was downhill after that. After being seen and tested by numerous urologisrts, urogynecologists, colon rectal surgeons and gastroenterologists, I have found out that I have Interstitial Cystitis and a rectocele which will probably require surgery. After 6 months of unrelenting pain, I relapsed on Percosets again. Without the pain pills, I cannot function at all. I do not feel that I can go to meetings not sober. My AA friends think I should celebrate my anniversary in June, because I have not had a drink. Drinking was never my real problem. I am feeling depressed, as I miss my meetings, I know I will never work again, and I feel like all my hard work and aspirations for success are down the drain. I simply cannot live with the pain of this illness. I have had no choice but to go back on the pain killers. I tried Lyrica first with no response. How does one stay sober from pain pills when they are always in pain? I have seen many people celebrate anniversary after anniversary because they don't drink. They take pain pills for pain and don't see that as a relapse. I can't see it that way, as alcohol was never my drug of choice. I also have the belief that alcohol is just drugs in a liquid form. I cannot resolve this situation at this time. I am thankful for an understanding and loving husband and children who I have been completely honest with.. I have learned so much from AA about living and changing my thoughts to ones of honesty, purity, unselfishness and love. I am so disappointed that I cannot go back to nursing, and I just wanted to share my thoughts with you all and ask if anyone has ever experienced this situation. Krisssy RN
this is my last post on this thread for now, i promise. but i have to respond to this post. i am not, and have never been, one to sugar coat stuff and call a spade a spade type person so i hope you do not get offended with this post and accept it with the love it is sent with.
this post by you worries me. it sounds as if you are upset you didnt get high and maybe that is the reason you think the med did not work. that is very dangerous thinking, iMO.
also the statement that "nobody from my support group calls me anymore" worries me too.
relapse starts long before you take the drug. it starts with isolating, self loathing, self pity, victim/martyr type behavior. all of which i am seeing here. so what if nobody calls you! how many times have you called them? it is YOUR sobriety in danger, not theirs. therefore it is YOU that should be calling them daily, hourly, whatever you need.
it only works if YOU do the footwork, krissy. nobody is gonna do it for you.
i also do not think a pain clinic is a good idea for an addict. my husband and i have a running joke between us that we are going to the pain clinic for OUR oxycontin. many of his patients think they are not addicts because they go to the pain clinic. so along those lines of thinking...we wanna go too! lol, we invite lots of people in recovery to go with us too. so far we have a busload going.
the reason we joke about it? because pain clinics put EVERYONE on oxycontin regardless of their needs, or dx. IMO, it's just not a good place for us to go. to me it's just a place to get more drugs under the guise of getting medical care.
i know some dont agree with me and im ok with that. i know im one of those AA/NA "hardasses" but thats what i need to be for me to stay sober. doesnt mean it is for you. but it worries me that you post about not getting high.
i think an addicitionologist is a good idea right now along with starting to call those in your support group.
talk, talk, talk! stop isolating or this WILL turn into a relapse.
i was in group with a nurse with a few years sobriety. he had a neck surgery, got pain meds for it and before long..a month i think, just gave up his license so he could use.
our disease is that strong. so our recovery has to be stronger.
I think, because of how I worded this, you misunderstood what I said. I meant that I was HAPPY that the Oxytcontin did NOT make me high like the Percoset did, BUT I am upset, because here I find a medication which does not make me high, but it does NOT take the pain away. I have Interstitial Cystitis and a Rectocele, and I am in SEVERE pain all the time. One can never feel what another feels as far as pain goes. I am not a drug seeker. I am in PAIN. I feel that I have no support from AA, because most of the people are worried about not drinking, which is not a problem for me. I never drink. They simply do not understand about pain, because they have never lived with chronic pain which I have been living with for 9 months day in and day out. Interstitial cystitis is a VERY painful condition which has no cure. I am not offended by your post. I know you mean well and just didn't understand what I was trying to write. By the way, why is this your last post? krisssy
lol, i said it was my last post for a while because i was just posting post after post replying to things. i tend to talk A LOT sometimes.
you dont have to defend being in pain. especially to me! i totally empathize with you. having these herniated discs sucks. im not a surgical candidate because i had a PE 2 yrs ago and im fat. so i totally understand living with pain. it sucks sometimes.
i used to wallow in it and think constantly about how bad i hurt. sometimes i still do. but i try to be part of my solution. i have sought out many types of pain relief besides narcotics. i laff with my doc at how nonnarcotic stuff actually does work. it cracks me up that tylenol really works, lol.
i also understand how people in AA can be. many times they think as long as you dont take a drink it doesnt matter what you do. many also subscribe to the marijuana maintenance plan too. it's hard to listen to sometimes without yelling "you dorks! you are addicts too and just dont know it" lol.
but take what you need from the meeting and leave the rest. substitue drugs for alcohol when they are talking (in your mind). seek out meetings that arent so "AA" minded. i go to a wonderful women's AA meeting that is full of addicts and we talk about everything. but when speaking in a speaker meeting, we all respect AA and concentrate on the alcohol part of our story.
i used to be like you and say i didnt have a problem with alcohol. my group would just laff and say "keep coming back".
one day i went to a bar with friends and got drunk. i rarely drank so i didnt think i had a problem. what i didnt realize is that addiction is not specific to just drugs or whatever is our choice to get high. i didnt realize that we will substitute all kinds of things for our DOC...food, sex, alcohol, exercise..all kinds of things....
so a month later...a short 30 days later....i was drinking so heavily that i had shakes and drank before work. it was then that i understood why they'd kept telling me "keep coming back". they knew what i had to figure out on my own!
i would suggest trying other means of pain relief. massage therapy rocks! i recommend it even if you arent in pain, lol. my therapist also taught me to visualize things and get me "out of my head" sotospeak when i'm hurting badly. she taught me to take my mind to a place where im calm and happy. for me, its floating in a pool under the warm sun. you wouldnt believe the number of times i've laid in my bed and "went" to the pool. and i would have never thought it could work either!
i'm not saying you dont need narcs but im sharing my experience with pain. i always thought that nothing but narcs would take away pain. i was wrong.
i've been able to help some patients with pain by teaching them to meditate and go somewhere happy. it really works and i just have to share it!
i'm also amazed at how nonnarcotic pain meds work! whoda thunk it?
IMO, toradol is the best pain med in the world! i found out how powerful it is when i threw that PE. the nurse came in and started to give me something in my IV. i jumped off the table away from her when she said it was pain meds because i was terrified of narcotics. she laffed and told me to calm down, it was toradol (i worked for the hospital so they all knew i was in recovery). less than half an hour later, i could actually breathe without pain! whoda thunk it?
now when my back is especially hurting, i ask for a steriod and a toradol shot. it really helps me. i wish i could take toradol every day but i'd have to go on dialysis for that so i wont, lol.
but what im trying to say is that ive been on a journey to find other pain relief methods to keep me away from narcotics and have been pleasantly suprised that many methods actually work.
i understand being in constant pain...but what i see is that you are dwelling in that pain. when we are addicts, we tend to do that. what we have to do is get out of our heads. it's a bad neighborhood to hang out in.
if you arent getting what you need in the meetings you are currently go to...go to some different ones.
ive been out of my contract with peer for over 2 years and am going to start going back to my nurse support group because i need to be with nurses who understand me and with whom i can talk openly. if your current support group isnt what you need...try a new one!
i also cant say enough about tramadol. it has really helped me. there is an extended release version of it that works great too. have you tried it?
i actually know quite a bit about IC. narcotics are usually the last thing a doc tries. there are many types of treatments that have been successful. i am not diminishing your pain but patients with IC normally have mild-mod pain that is acute and intermittent..not chronic and constant. have you tried bladder distention,Elmiron, diet change, TENS units, physical therapy? anti inflammatory meds are usually suggested for it.
do you think it is possible that you have been isolating and obsessing about the pain to the point that you are near relapse?
my first husband had Acute Intermittent Porphyria. so i really do understand a chronic condition with pain. i'm just trying to come up with some possible solutions other than narcotics.
lol, i said it was my last post for a while because i was just posting post after post replying to things. i tend to talk A LOT sometimes.
you dont have to defend being in pain. especially to me! i totally empathize with you. having these herniated discs sucks. im not a surgical candidate because i had a PE 2 yrs ago and im fat. so i totally understand living with pain. it sucks sometimes.
i used to wallow in it and think constantly about how bad i hurt. sometimes i still do. but i try to be part of my solution. i have sought out many types of pain relief besides narcotics. i laff with my doc at how nonnarcotic stuff actually does work. it cracks me up that tylenol really works, lol.
i also understand how people in AA can be. many times they think as long as you dont take a drink it doesnt matter what you do. many also subscribe to the marijuana maintenance plan too. it's hard to listen to sometimes without yelling "you dorks! you are addicts too and just dont know it" lol.
but take what you need from the meeting and leave the rest. substitue drugs for alcohol when they are talking (in your mind). seek out meetings that arent so "AA" minded. i go to a wonderful women's AA meeting that is full of addicts and we talk about everything. but when speaking in a speaker meeting, we all respect AA and concentrate on the alcohol part of our story.
i used to be like you and say i didnt have a problem with alcohol. my group would just laff and say "keep coming back".
one day i went to a bar with friends and got drunk. i rarely drank so i didnt think i had a problem. what i didnt realize is that addiction is not specific to just drugs or whatever is our choice to get high. i didnt realize that we will substitute all kinds of things for our DOC...food, sex, alcohol, exercise..all kinds of things....
so a month later...a short 30 days later....i was drinking so heavily that i had shakes and drank before work. it was then that i understood why they'd kept telling me "keep coming back". they knew what i had to figure out on my own!
i would suggest trying other means of pain relief. massage therapy rocks! i recommend it even if you arent in pain, lol. my therapist also taught me to visualize things and get me "out of my head" sotospeak when i'm hurting badly. she taught me to take my mind to a place where im calm and happy. for me, its floating in a pool under the warm sun. you wouldnt believe the number of times i've laid in my bed and "went" to the pool. and i would have never thought it could work either!
i'm not saying you dont need narcs but im sharing my experience with pain. i always thought that nothing but narcs would take away pain. i was wrong.
i've been able to help some patients with pain by teaching them to meditate and go somewhere happy. it really works and i just have to share it!
i'm also amazed at how nonnarcotic pain meds work! whoda thunk it?
IMO, toradol is the best pain med in the world! i found out how powerful it is when i threw that PE. the nurse came in and started to give me something in my IV. i jumped off the table away from her when she said it was pain meds because i was terrified of narcotics. she laffed and told me to calm down, it was toradol (i worked for the hospital so they all knew i was in recovery). less than half an hour later, i could actually breathe without pain! whoda thunk it?
now when my back is especially hurting, i ask for a steriod and a toradol shot. it really helps me. i wish i could take toradol every day but i'd have to go on dialysis for that so i wont, lol.
but what im trying to say is that ive been on a journey to find other pain relief methods to keep me away from narcotics and have been pleasantly suprised that many methods actually work.
i understand being in constant pain...but what i see is that you are dwelling in that pain. when we are addicts, we tend to do that. what we have to do is get out of our heads. it's a bad neighborhood to hang out in.
if you arent getting what you need in the meetings you are currently go to...go to some different ones.
ive been out of my contract with peer for over 2 years and am going to start going back to my nurse support group because i need to be with nurses who understand me and with whom i can talk openly. if your current support group isnt what you need...try a new one!
i also cant say enough about tramadol. it has really helped me. there is an extended release version of it that works great too. have you tried it?
i actually know quite a bit about IC. narcotics are usually the last thing a doc tries. there are many types of treatments that have been successful. i am not diminishing your pain but patients with IC normally have mild-mod pain that is acute and intermittent..not chronic and constant. have you tried bladder distention,Elmiron, diet change, TENS units, physical therapy? anti inflammatory meds are usually suggested for it.
do you think it is possible that you have been isolating and obsessing about the pain to the point that you are near relapse?
my first husband had Acute Intermittent Porphyria. so i really do understand a chronic condition with pain. i'm just trying to come up with some possible solutions other than narcotics.
Hi Southernbee Girl and Everyone else,
Yes I have tried many other means of dealing with the IC since I got it in Aug. 2008. I have actually tried everything my specialist (actually a famous IC specialist) gave me which was Valium, which worked for about a month, and Elavil, which also worked for about a month. My Dr. doesn't believe in hydrodistention. He hasn't offered Elmiron. Actually, he hasn't definetely diagnosed it. He says my pain is either IC, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction or a nerve pain. He said all three would be treated the same way, so it is irrelevant whether it is IC or not. On my own, I tried physical therapy. It made it worse. Then I went back to the rehab I was at a few years ago when I also got addicted to Percoset and Colonopin after abdominal surgery. They set me up with a pain specialist who had been a pain patient there 4 years ago, recovered and lives with his back pain. He suggested many means of dealing with the pain including meditation, massage therapy etc. He was so wonderful that I decided to check back into the rehab for a 10 day detox. It was a disaster. I relapsed almost immediately after the discharge and ended up in the ER where they gave me Percoset and Dilaudid. After that, I just gave up and have been taking the Percoset and Valium which does relieve the pain. I started taking the Valium again, because another Dr. ( a urogynecologist who diagnosed my rectocele) said if you stop Valium and then start it again, it helps again??? I am embarrassed to go back to the meetings as I keep relapsing ,and I feel like too much of a failure to go to meetings or call anyone. I think you may be right that this is a relapse. When I am upset, like having a fight with my husband, I do look forward to taking the pills. I hate being addicted so much that I would go back to the rehab for the 30 day program again, but I am too afraid of this pain. I have a lot of scheduled doctor appointments to try to see if I can find anyone to help me. If I find someone who helps, I will probably have to get detoxed in the rehab again. I am incapable of getting off addictive meds myself.
You are absolutely right about the alcohol. During my divorce about 5 years ago, I was drinking like a fish. I have not touched alcohol in a year. June 7th will be my alcohol anniversary. My group wants me to celebrate, but that would be dishonest for me, and I won't do it. Right now, there is nothing I can do except go to all these doctors and try to get some help. Thank you for understanding this disease so well and for trying to help me be honest about it. We all know how cunning and powerful this disease is. Krisssy
Take this advice and the advice from others on this thread, it is some of the best advice you will get as a nurse with addiction problems.
There are so many things that I see in your posts, just like with anyone's addiction, your's is complicated to say the least.
I will try to explain it the best way I can, and of course anyone can disagree but this is just in my own experience.
The pain medication you are taking is making things worse. I want you to think about this for a minute. If you take enough of the percocet, your pain goes away, and you get a high feeling. Once you come down off of that, your pain is worse and there are reasons for that, medical reasons. Which is a big reason to stop taking the narcotics, withdraw from them and you will begin to get your natural pain relief back,, you know, that thing that we have in our body called endorphins.
When you're taking narcotics, especially the high amount that you're taking, your body quits making endorphins because you don't need them anymore. Once the pain medication wears off, you're pain is HORRIBLE. Worse than you can ever imagine!
There is a reason for it,, and once you withdraw and your body starts to go back to normal, your pain will subside and be manageable without high doses of narcotics. It is the week or so of withdraw that is going to be bad. After that, you should be able to manage your IC with diet and non narcotic meds. Diet is a big big deal with IC. There are things that you can eat/drink that will drive your IC crazy. Even if it isn't IC, you really shouldn't need to be consuming narcotic meds unless you have a severe disorder and there is nothing left to do but take narcotics until you die. I know this is a harsh statement, but once you start taking narcotics for a chronic condition, you will be taking them for the rest of your life. How long do you plan on living??? You can only go so high on the dosage and then what? Your liver and kidneys will start shutting down,,, I wouldn't give it more than 20 years of high dose narcotics and your body will be a mess. Your life won't be worth living anymore. There will be NO NARCOTIC on the face of the earth that will be able to help your pain... and this is because the narcotics are causing the pain.
I feel like I have earned the right to say all of these things because I was in the same position as you a few years ago. I had all these medical things wrong with me, they could even be proven by xray,, and I NEEDED those narcotics to help my pain. I was in so much pain that it ruled my life. I had NO LIFE because I was worried if I was going to have enough pills to make it through the week. I would hurt so darn bad when I woke up that I wanted to take pills an hour before waking up.
But you know what? Once I withdrew from all those meds,, I realized that I don't have any pain. These so called medical diagnosis that I have do not cause me any pain unless I decide to take a vicodin/percocet or whatever.. then the pain comes back when these pills wear off. I haven't even taken an advil in over a month.. I don't have pain.
But ask me four years ago and you would have thought that I was in horrible condition,, needing narcotic relief for the rest of my life.
Take this advice from me, take the advice from southern and the others,, you need to look at this from several different approaches. It is not just about the severe pain you're having, it's about your life, your outlook, the way you see yourself and the way you want to live. Don't let your pain rule your life.
Krisssy,
I agree with Iloveclay...there is no need to share the specifics of your pain or the medications used to treat that pain. There are lots of recovering folks who don't get how horrible chronic pain can be or how tough it is to deal with unrelenting suffering. The zealots will condemn you out of their ignorance, and you certainly don't need that right now!
Here are some links to help with the search for pain specialists.
Take this advice and the advice from others on this thread, it is some of the best advice you will get as a nurse with addiction problems.
There are so many things that I see in your posts, just like with anyone's addiction, your's is complicated to say the least.
I will try to explain it the best way I can, and of course anyone can disagree but this is just in my own experience.
The pain medication you are taking is making things worse. I want you to think about this for a minute. If you take enough of the percocet, your pain goes away, and you get a high feeling. Once you come down off of that, your pain is worse and there are reasons for that, medical reasons. Which is a big reason to stop taking the narcotics, withdraw from them and you will begin to get your natural pain relief back,, you know, that thing that we have in our body called endorphins.
When you're taking narcotics, especially the high amount that you're taking, your body quits making endorphins because you don't need them anymore. Once the pain medication wears off, you're pain is HORRIBLE. Worse than you can ever imagine!
There is a reason for it,, and once you withdraw and your body starts to go back to normal, your pain will subside and be manageable without high doses of narcotics. It is the week or so of withdraw that is going to be bad. After that, you should be able to manage your IC with diet and non narcotic meds. Diet is a big big deal with IC. There are things that you can eat/drink that will drive your IC crazy. Even if it isn't IC, you really shouldn't need to be consuming narcotic meds unless you have a severe disorder and there is nothing left to do but take narcotics until you die. I know this is a harsh statement, but once you start taking narcotics for a chronic condition, you will be taking them for the rest of your life. How long do you plan on living??? You can only go so high on the dosage and then what? Your liver and kidneys will start shutting down,,, I wouldn't give it more than 20 years of high dose narcotics and your body will be a mess. Your life won't be worth living anymore. There will be NO NARCOTIC on the face of the earth that will be able to help your pain... and this is because the narcotics are causing the pain.
I feel like I have earned the right to say all of these things because I was in the same position as you a few years ago. I had all these medical things wrong with me, they could even be proven by xray,, and I NEEDED those narcotics to help my pain. I was in so much pain that it ruled my life. I had NO LIFE because I was worried if I was going to have enough pills to make it through the week. I would hurt so darn bad when I woke up that I wanted to take pills an hour before waking up.
But you know what? Once I withdrew from all those meds,, I realized that I don't have any pain. These so called medical diagnosis that I have do not cause me any pain unless I decide to take a vicodin/percocet or whatever.. then the pain comes back when these pills wear off. I haven't even taken an advil in over a month.. I don't have pain.
But ask me four years ago and you would have thought that I was in horrible condition,, needing narcotic relief for the rest of my life.
Take this advice from me, take the advice from southern and the others,, you need to look at this from several different approaches. It is not just about the severe pain you're having, it's about your life, your outlook, the way you see yourself and the way you want to live. Don't let your pain rule your life.
I am confused. If the Percoset causes the pain, why did I have it for 6 months without any narcotics? Why did you have your pain before you started the narcotics? Krisssy
Pain that I had before narcotics is baby pain compared to the pain I experienced for years while taking my "prescribed" narcotics. The doctor did me NO FAVORS by prescribing me these meds. I am not blaming any doctor for my problems, I can only blame myself.
I couldn't dig myself out of the hole I was in until I realized that my life is the only one I will have and I couldn't let pain run my life.
I was just trying to give you my perspective. I will also agree with what another poster said. You are the only one that will heal your self. We can give you all the advice in the world, and you may understand a little of it. You may begin to understand some of it over time, but until you've figured out a way to control your pain without high dose narcotics, your life will revolve around them,,, forever. That's just how it is.
Pain that I had before narcotics is baby pain compared to the pain I experienced for years while taking my "prescribed" narcotics. The doctor did me NO FAVORS by prescribing me these meds. I am not blaming any doctor for my problems, I can only blame myself.
I couldn't dig myself out of the hole I was in until I realized that my life is the only one I will have and I couldn't let pain run my life.
I was just trying to give you my perspective. I will also agree with what another poster said. You are the only one that will heal your self. We can give you all the advice in the world, and you may understand a little of it. You may begin to understand some of it over time, but until you've figured out a way to control your pain without high dose narcotics, your life will revolve around them,,, forever. That's just how it is.
Yes I believe you, and thank you. One more question-did you find that stress made the pain much worse? Something very stressful has been going on the last two days, and the pain has become almost unbearable even with the narcotics.
Stress will make your pain wayyy worse. It is amazing how a relaxing hot bath with bath oil or such will soothe pain away,, try that. Heck I was doing that three or four times a day at the beginning of my recovery. It really helped.
I'm not sure what your stress is right now, but try and erase it as much as you can. I found that even an argument with my husband would make my pain really bad.
Stress will make your pain wayyy worse. It is amazing how a relaxing hot bath with bath oil or such will soothe pain away,, try that. Heck I was doing that three or four times a day at the beginning of my recovery. It really helped.
I'm not sure what your stress is right now, but try and erase it as much as you can. I found that even an argument with my husband would make my pain really bad.
lol You know me so well-that's exactly what it was- a fight with my husband! Krisssy
Stress will make your pain wayyy worse. It is amazing how a relaxing hot bath with bath oil or such will soothe pain away,, try that. Heck I was doing that three or four times a day at the beginning of my recovery. It really helped.
I'm not sure what your stress is right now, but try and erase it as much as you can. I found that even an argument with my husband would make my pain really bad.
Mag - You are SO right! Sometimes, I would take that many baths or showers like that too. And, honestly, I do feel like it helped. It could have been the water, the feeling of just kind of "letting it go", just whatever had gotten me so freaked out or upset. Doesn't matter why, I guess. It helped and kept me out of a bottle of Ambien or opiates, so I just went with it.
I was like you too, in that fighting or bickering with my now ex husband - there wasn't anything "dear" about him, if you know what I mean - did make it worse, or it did in my head at least.
I got my stuff from MDs at work, either the ER doc or one of the GPs or others while working. A big "no no" at the facility where I was working but it didn't stop me. I had worked with all of them for years and years and they never suspected (I don't think) that I was using or doctor hopping or all the other stupid things I was doing. And the pain I was going through when I was using, feeling sorry for myself...
I could talk the docs out of anything, didn't matter who or what or how many. I misused their trust, their friendship in some cases. I had a LOT of amends to make. I would wake up, halfway through the night to make sure I still had refills on the bottle. I was happy when my purse rattled when I walked, because I wasn't out of my meds.
I could go on and on and on, but you get the point...
southernbeegirl, BSN, RN
903 Posts