letting go of personal baggage from past medical issues

[AmericanChai]

I'm sure this must get better in time . . I'm a Block 2 student. My child had an NG tube for a few months before her gtube was placed. She used to pull it out a lot and I would have to hold her down and put it back in. It caused a lot of emotional trauma for us both and bonding issues. I finally begged the dr. to put in a g-tube. 6 years later she still has the g-tube but hoping to get it out soon.

Anyway, I thought I was past all that, but we had to practice NG tube insertion on the mannequins. My classmates knew of my experience with this and were asking me details of how I did it for my daughter. As I was talking about it all those memories flooded back and it took a few hours to deal with it and let it go. When I was in clinicals I did see actual patients with NG tubes and got to do various things with them. I think I'll be fine when I'm in the moment, worried about pt feelings when it's time to insert one on a real person.

People always ask me if I'm going to do peds because of my daughter. I spent 3 years caring for a very sick child who was undiagnosed, suffering, vomiting, and then the whole feeding tube/pump thing. I just don't want to do peds. I feel like I did my time in peds. With adults it's different because *most* of the time you can explain the reasons for things and they will try to cooperate. And if they choose not to, it's their own choice and responsibility.

I have a classmate who had a much sicker child than mine who also shared her experiences as we were covering that unit this week. I could tell how emotionally difficult was for her to recount those hard times, even as her experience was very useful to us. She knew more than the instructor on that topic. So many people I know, in fact, become nurses because of close contact with a loved one with health issues.

So how do you work through those issues? How are you not haunted every time you get a pt with a similar issue? Especially in peds where you are literally holding a child down and doing things to them while they fight and cry. I mean, you can try very hard to calm the child down and make the procedure tolerable, but at some point it just has to be done. Or, if you dealt with a friend/loved one with something like cancer, how do you turn those bad memories into something that benefits your patients?

Thoughts?

[Virgo_RN, BSN, RN]

Well, having never gone through anything like your experience, I can say that it is different providing care for someone that you do not share a close personal bond with, as opposed to your child or family member.

I would think that because of your experience, that you would be able to empathize with your patients and their family members, which isn't a bad thing. You know what their questions and concerns are likely to be, and can use that knowledge and experience to be a better nurse.

It may sound simplistic, but take that experience and turn it into something good for someone else.

[SaraFL]

I am also interested to see the replies to your post. My husband dealt with diabetes and kidney failure (dialysis) for a while, and so while many people have made comments that I should work in those areas, I really don't want to. Like you, I felt I have "done my time". I guess that feeling may change in the future, but for now, it's difficult to even learn about those topics because it brings up all the unpleasant memories.

[classicdame, MSN, EdD]

you get thru them because you KNOW you are helping someone else. I had a severe burn as a child. Caring for burns was hard at first, but when I told my story and showed my scar (toes to knee on one leg) then parents and children knew they had an advocate. The trick is NOT to tell your story unless asked. It is not always appropriate.

[FLmomof5]

Trust me, I know how you feel.

Emotionally, it took all I had not to go on a rage when we covered FTT in peds. Sure they covered organic and non-organic FTT, but like "social-worker-school", they fail to teach anything about CSS. (Constitutional Short Stature) Even my peds instructor who is a peds nurse w/25+ yrs exp didn't know what it is!

I don't know how you ever truly heal from things that happen. For years, it stayed hidden in the memory banks. I can feel the frustration and the rage even now just typing this up....

Four of my five children have CSS. Because of lack of knowledge, my daughter spent 14 days in foster care. I spent 13 months and $14,000 in 1985 fighting social services.....under the constant threat that if my daughter even lost ONE OUNCE (I had to bring her in to get her weighed weekly!!!) she would be taken from me.

I had 7 Pediatric specialists saying she was CSS. THEY had 1 idiot Army doctor (not that all Army docs are idiots) that said she was FTT.

Ultimately, I "won". Case was closed....and I lost my Air Force career in the process.

I am not sure peds is the place for me either.

[luvRNs, BSN, MSN, RN]

interesting thread......

don't let go of personal baggage from the past. life experiences are what makes us unique and can enhance our care of others:redbeathe here's my experience.

several years ago i experienced a severe traumatic fracture of my pelvis. it required 3 surgeries, months in a wheelchair,and going home with a foley in place. prior to the accident, i thought i knew and had done it all as a cns in critical care. how wrong. i learned much about patient safety after several 'near-misses'. i learned a patient is more than physiology and body parts, and the emotional responses to illness truly need to be addressed as well. my experiences were chronicled on this site in an article called "murphy's law revisited".

i am a better nurse for it and my patients benefit.......

[mustlovepoodles, RN]

So how do you work through those issues? How are you not haunted every time you get a pt with a similar issue? Especially in peds where you are literally holding a child down and doing things to them while they fight and cry. I mean, you can try very hard to calm the child down and make the procedure tolerable, but at some point it just has to be done. Or, if you dealt with a friend/loved one with something like cancer, how do you turn those bad memories into something that benefits your patients?

Thoughts?

How? Sometimes I *am* haunted. I don't know that we ever get over these traumas, but eventually they become a manageable part of your life. I am very sorry for your distress. There is nothing as awful as having a sick, really sick child.

I've been a peds nurse for 25 years, 10 years in the NICU and PICU. After my DS14 was born, we realized that he didn't develop like our other kids. By the time he was 4months old, he was in trouble--failure to thrive, feeding poorly. I had to feed him bolt upright every 2 hours around the clock. Sleep deprivation was the name of the game. One night I went to work in the PICU and I had two patients: a 12yo who came in with "the flu" on Friday and now was dying of kidney failure on Sunday; the other was an 8yo with a closed head injury who was very unstable. I looked at both these boys and suddenly I completely locked up. I started crying and i couldn't stop. My life was so out of control at home, I had nothing left for these kids. And I knew they deserved better. I was transferred to another department the next morning, with my manager's blessing (she really supported me.)

My DS is very mentally handicapped and has lots of issues(vision, hearing, seizures,etc.) I can no longer work in a hospital. I can no longer work full-time. I have come to realize that I have only so much love in my bucket. However, i discovered school nursing about 3 years ago and it's a perfect fit! I get to see mostly-normal, healthy kids with normal/healthy kid problems. I teach, I manage tube feedings and diabetes, sickle cell and heart transplant survivors, I educate staff. My job is keeping kids in school and keeping everyone healthy. To do this job I have to call on everything I ever knew in NICU & PICU. I have to know child development inside out.

Sometimes I have to do hard things, like call CPS for suspected abuse. That's pretty hard. Dealing with parents who don't care is pretty hard, too. But I no longer feel overwhelmed in my job. I've learned where my limits are and I can happily practice within those bounds. I think you will find your own level if you give it some time. Right now, everything in your life is intense--nursing school is the hardest thing I ever did and i didn't have kids at the time! There is nothing wrong with saying,"You know what? I don't want to do peds." Perhaps OR or ICU would be a better match.