L&D Nurse After Stillbirth

BSNbeauty, BSN, RN · Jun 4, 2017

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I haven't experienced such a loss but I do know that as nurses we are human. Many of us has and will experience different losses through out our career. I believe you can use your personal experience to help another mom and dad who experienced the loss of a baby. I hope you continue your dream. Yes you will have your good days and not so good days but that is okay. You realize you have the strength you never thought you had. Hugs to you.

allnurses Guide · Jun 5, 2017

So sorry for your loss, Swimming Duck. Your sensitivity and awareness that the grief process doesn't have an arbitrary deadline or predictable path is in the right direction for you, no matter how your future career pans out.

Although it isn't the exact scenario you present, I recall worrying about my job working with pediatric oncology patients in the hospital where my brother had been treated for (and survived)leukemia.

For me, and through no conscious effort on my part I was able to separate my family member from my patients with the same diagnosis. I didn't feel cold-hearted, just a level of detachment that allows me to function in a different role.

That said, if there is any experience likely to generate unpredictable ups and downs, it's the loss of a child. I still see no need to abandon your plan to eventually become a CNM.

I agree with the previous poster. Your experience will create an extra level of empathy in your future nursing career. Hugs and best wishes to you.

imenid37 · Jun 9, 2017

Much love to you. It is so hard. You sound like you will be a wonderful nurse. You will know what will work for you and when the time is right. I have never had a loss,but have worked in OB for many years. I have had coworkers who have had a loss and come back and worked with others who have chosen a different path. Their journeys led them to different places, Right now you just have to decide in the short term what is right for you. May you find peace and time to heal and be kind to yourself.

kalycat, BSN, RN · Jun 11, 2017

I am so sorry for your loss. I suffered the loss of my first daughter in the mid second trimester due to a variety of complications. My experiences are what, in part, inspired me to become a nurse (almost 20 years later!).

My experience was a very, very traumatic emergency c-section delivery, and the surrounding situation was traumatic as well.

I do not work OB. However, in the years following my loss, I served as a parent advocate for families who had kiddos in the nicu or who were going through a demise. I also became very involved as a volunteer with perinatal palliative care programs. I can say that time helped with compartmentalization. I actually attended some complicated deliveries with various outcomes while in nursing school, and while I had much to think about on my way home, I did not feel triggered and did not have recurrent PTSD-like symptoms.

For me, my drive in the early years following my loss was to use my experience to try to help others. For whatever reason, these experiences helped me heal, and as a nurse a professional detachment was relatively easy to develop. I'm not sure if that's because I'm in denial, or if because my first instinct was to become wholly focused on the family and situation at hand. Everyone is different, and some of us have greater tendencies toward maladaptive coping -- mine might be that I am an adrenaline junky and always sought out ways to test myself and emotional limits; that may have not been healthy, but it is who I am. There were a few deliveries in our main OR when I was a circulator that were quite sad, and honestly, because we often crash sedated the patient and I wasn't in "nurse support mode" talking to the family and fully engaged with a conscious mom, I actually felt more of the physical signs of anxiety than when I was face to face working with a family. Not sure if that makes sense. When I was circulating, the patient was out, father not present, and I was more focused on technical tasks, there was more room for my mind to wander back to my own experiences.

Never set a timeline on your healing -- be gentle with yourself and take it one step at a time. Check in with yourself often and use your resources -- your support system. best wishes to you, your family, and moving forward with your education. â¤ï¸

Swimming-duck · Jun 25, 2017

Thank you for all of the support. Sorry it took me so long to pipe back in and reply. Summer school has started (microbiology for me), we're building a swing set in the back yard for the kids, and three little boys...so you know, a bit busy. But I really really appreciate your feedback. I admit that my feelings have swing from "this CNM thing is never going to work now" to "I will have special insight into providing support to a family going through a similar experience." I lean towards the latter, but of course everything is still fresh. But nursing school is going to take two years just to get to the RN level. And I plan to stay at that level for awhile before pursuing CNM, so I guess time will be my friend in this regard. Thank you thank you for the reassurance! It means a lot to me!

midwifemae · Jul 7, 2017

While I am not yet a nurse and I have not experienced what you have, I do work as a postpartum CNA. I work with a few nurses who have had losses and one of them is now on the bereavement team. She is a light for those going through a very hard time and she knows just what they are feeling and how to comfort them. When she is not doing that part of her job, she is an incredible NICU nurse. Our experiences shape us and while the fear of triggers is real, I do think you will find your way through school to becoming a CNM. So sorry for your loss and good luck in the future.

Scarlettz, BSN, RN · Jul 21, 2017

I do not work in OB/GYN nursing, but I am visiting this board because I am interested in going into Postpartum/Mother Baby nursing. I just wanted to share my birth experience as both a nurse and a patient.

As a nurse:

I worked as a medical surgical nurse, but I sometimes floated to the postpartum unit. I remember floating to the unit at some point after having a miscarriage. It wasn't right after the experience, fortunately, but maybe 6 months later. I can't deny that I was somewhat jealous or sad, but it wasn't unbearable. Actually in a way, it was a hopeful experience. According to one of my patient's charts, the client's first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. To experience this woman having a full term healthy baby was so wonderful and it gave me hope that I would get my chance someday.

As a patient:

I had a scary birth in which my daughter had coded for 15 minutes. As a result of the code, my baby had to go to the NICU because she was still very sick and it wasn't clear as to why or what went wrong. I did not know what her outcome would be. It was such a horrible experience going to the post-partum unit without an in-room baby. I've always liked floating to PP as it was usually such a happy time in one's life. I could not wait to be a PP patient someday. So of course, my PP experience was not like what I imagined or experienced when floating. I will say that I had one wonderful nurse that made me feel like a mother. She congratulated me, asked questions about the baby, was sincere, and just went out of her way to make me feel comfortable. I had some nurses that were okay but seemed distant or did not congratulate me or ask questions about the baby. Maybe they didn't know what to say - I am not sure. Or maybe because I did not have a baby in the room, they weren't as available as I would hope.

If I decide to go into post-partum nursing, I think my experience will help me care for those mothers who do not always have a happy PP experience. I think that your experience will certainly help you be a wonderful nurse to those who have a similar experience.

blackribbon · Jul 27, 2017

I am a gyn/med/surg nurse cross-trained to care for postpartum patients. Besides floating to the postpartum unit, we often get the overflow PP patients, the NICU moms, and other special cases so they are not next to the rooms full of families that are celebrating their new babies. I have taken care of women who have very delicate preemies who are very critical and moms who have lost their babies. I have even had to prepare the deceased baby after the family has spent time with them...they are allowed to have their babies for reasonable amount of time after they pass if they wish.

Now, I did not lose a baby and understand that the fact that I lost my husband when he was relatively young is not the exact same thing, however it allows me to address the grief I see in my patients. I am able to tell them it is okay to refer to their baby in the present tense, to love that baby because it has been part of their life for 6-9months...not just 24 hours, to discuss options of dealing with the prepared nursery at home, and let them know that they are allowed to grieve however they need to and to allow the daddy room to grieve differently but pull together with as a couple. They both loved their baby. I think it allows me to be a better nurse because I am speaking from a place of understanding.

I think your labor and delivery rotation in school will give you the best idea of how well you will be able to handle this area of nursing now. It may be more difficult than you are ready to do initially...or you might feel more pulled to the specialty. I will say that the rotation where we focused on neurological disorders was a "trigger fest" for me because my husband basically died of brain mets related to his cancer and I relived those last few days of his life while his brain was shutting down. It was very difficulty as I realized what he was actually going through and honestly, also realized the mistakes that were made in his care...he might have lived longer if they had treated what is obvious to me now much sooner instead of ignoring my pleas to believe me on what was happening when they were not in the ER curtain area. However, I have embraced and come to peace with knowing that he was going to die from the cancer...and there is no reason to point fingers because they were human, and humans make mistakes. Unfortunately, I have too.

Expect to be triggered during OB rotation...set up your support system before hand and have your coping activities planned out. Only time and experience will actually tell you whether or not you want to deal with this as your initial nursing job. Each person is different on what we can cope with. Personally, I love my cancer patients (we get gyn oncology patients) but am not ready to go to an oncology floor and I am not ready to do hospice nursing yet...though that was my initial reason for going into nursing. I do see myself getting their eventually though.

Ironically, my mothers who have lost their babies are my most precious patients. The baby I had to prepare was a full term baby that it was unknown why he died. He just never had any brain waves. I was able to tell the mother how gently I cared for her precious son when I had to remove his outfit and put him in the hospital t-shirt....and that I was with him until I no longer could be. I know that when my husband died, what happened to him when I no longer was with him weighed heavily on my mind. I debated for a while before offering his outfit back (she had told me to send it with him but protocol didn't allow for that)...and I decided to be honest. She did want it back and then called me back shortly and burst into tears and thanked my for taking such good care of her baby because also she needed to know that he was cared for to the end. We each have our own callings..and some of those we learn after we get our licenses. Good luck.