Is is time to call it quits?

[versi]

I am a new grad nurse with the whole 2 months of experience and I can't feel like I can physically and mentally do it anymore! As a new grad straight after college I was given 6 days of orientation and shadowing (I know from some of my colleges that they were given from 3-6 weeks in different LTC facilities). Even at the very begging I was so stressed out that after my first day at work the next day I was off and I was in panic state of anxiety with everything from tachycardia to dizziness and mental cloudiness for the whole weekend. I sucked it up though and somehow I made it up to 2 months. The place I work at is the one that when I was still at school and we were talking among each other and our instructed we described as not worth risking your license so to say. The only good thing about this place is that my coworkers are very considerate and they never turn me down. Yet even though most of the time I feel like vomiting because I have to show up at work I was told few time that they talk very high of me and they really like my job. However I just had my first patient die and he basically stopped breathing in front of me when I was still in the room, even when he was pulsless and I started CPR he still tried to gasp for air two times. The thing that bothers me so badly is that in a place where I work they are so worried about the census that they want to send people out to the hospital so I ended up with a patient who was declining for the last week, he was obviously having change in LOC and was very lethargic and more difficult to arouse, full code yet they left on the floor where there is 25 people for 1 nurse! Of course he had some labs and diagnostics done over the week when he was doing badly but yet it was impossible to give him as much attention as he needed.

Before it all happened I just started to think that it is getting bearable. However, I just realized that I might be loosing myself since I have been strangling with depression and anxiety long before I even started nursing program, yet now I started having insomnia and really bad anxiety attacks so I started using all the "heavy" stuff that was given by doctors over the years yet never took it and by that I mean I can fall asleep only with the help of Lorazepam or Ambien, Trazadone doesn't even work. I stopped going to the gym which always been a big part of my life, yet lost couple pounds since I don;t have an appetite from stress and the meds I have been taking and in general I stopped doing all the things I could consider a hobby or was excited to do. I also drink wine almost every day and I have been sick 3 times in the last 6 weeks.

Hence my question, am I just so badly not meant for nursing? Am I just not suited for it? I have always known that I am unhealthy perfectionist and control freak and I just can't let of things even when I don't have control over it. (the patient who just passed was seen by the doctor and NP just few hours before he passed, yet I can't stand the idea that I didn't catch the moment when he declined in breathing even though I paged my supervisor to ask what she thinks I should do since I knew he was declining). I need to add that I still keep going to work because of my financial situation and debts I made in nursing school, but is the moment when I just hit the breaks because otherwise it may end up badly for me just after two months of being and RN?

I apologize for the lengthy post but I really needed to spit it out. I am waiting for your opinions.

[TriciaJ, RN]

Take a breath. Schedule an appointment with your doctor asap and discuss what you are dealing with. If you can benefit from pharmacological help, you need someone with a saner head than yours (at the moment) to monitor it. Please stop self-medicating with alcohol and whatever else you have around the house.

Being a stressed-out new grad does not make you unfit for nursing. (Please find and read about a zillion drowning new grad posts on this site.) If your employers and coworkers are happy with your work, you must be doing something right. It just doesn't feel like it, because nursing school didn't prepare you for this. (It never does.)

Find a mentor, or a nurse manager if you can and ask if they have any pointers for you or constructive criticism. If they tell you that you are on the right track, believe them.

Meanwhile, find a mantra like "It's not a perfect world; I don't need to be perfect." or something to help bring you back to reality. I get how hard it is to get to the gym after a day's work. Can you find 10 minutes a day to walk or stretch or just contemplate your navel? Having a successful nursing career will be easier if you can find and develop a reset button for yourself.

You will get over the new grad hump. It's just a matter of surviving in the meantime. Hang in there.

[caliotter3]

You say your coworkers are very considerate and never turn you down. Don't walk away from this chance to grow in a supportive environment. Take the advice that Tricia has provided and give yourself the opportunity to make it. You aren't going to find a better employer any time soon.

[Davey Do]

We can be our own worse enemies sometimes, eh, versi? We can be so hard on ourselves, so critical of ourselves, that our self-evaluation becomes self-flagellation.

It's hell having to feel this way and carry on with life.

But it's possible to eat this big ugly elephant, one bite at a time, one day at a time, or even just one minute at a time. It's a long, rough row to hoe and we must be dedicated to ourselves, our own personal growth in order to grow and have a change of consciousness to better deal with our stressors.

TriciaJ gave some great advice and I can only expand upon it.

You said you use to work out at a gym. When I was experiencing multiple life stressors nearly 20 years ago, I regularly worked out. When doing aerobics, I thought of those stressors and attempted to make my physical pain match my emotional pain.

I really want you to hear that, versi, because this technique really helped me deal with my stress. I would only allow myself to focus on my problems when I worked out. When I went to bed, I focused on sleep, NEVER on my problems. I used mantras and repeated them over and over and over again. You can use any mantra you wish. My favorite continues to be The Lord's Prayer.

There are a multitude of ways of dealing with stress. Open yourself to them and they will come to you.

Many times, first time posters come here, got advice, and are never heard from again, for whatever reason. We are nurses who have experienced like situations and many of us have overcome extremely difficult situations. We can be your virtual support group. Or, we can be just a couple of ships that pass in the night.

Whatever you choose to do, I wish the best for you, versi.

And welcome to AN.com!

[guest52816]

Yes, Triciaj gave you some great advice. Do try and follow it.

The only thing I would add, and I know another poster advised you against this, but I would seriously start looking for another job. Is your heart set on working in LTC?

Most hospitals are going to offer more than 6 shifts of orientation. LTCs are famous for offering subpar orientation. If you like LTC work, is there a facility you could apply to where better training is offered?

The problem isn't you. The problem is your working environment. Trust me, the problem isn't you. Let that be your mantra.

Best wishes/

[NICU Guy, BSN, RN]

Hence my question, am I just so badly not meant for nursing? Am I just not suited for it? I have always known that I am unhealthy perfectionist and control freak and I just can't let of things even when I don't have control over it.

The best thing about nursing is that there are a variety of different specialties. If one doesn't fit your personality, find one that fits your personality. Don't quit nursing just because of a bad experience at your first nursing job.

(the patient who just passed was seen by the doctor and NP just few hours before he passed, yet I can't stand the idea that I didn't catch the moment when he declined in breathing even though I paged my supervisor to ask what she thinks I should do since I knew he was declining).

So, you are saying that he had no health problems and that if you had caught his decline, he would have been able to run the marathon he had planned on running next month? Is your middle name God? You can not prevent people from dying, especially in a nursing home. People are there for a reason, otherwise they would be one of those 80 yr olds you see on the news skydiving or surfing Pipeline at the North Shore of Hawaii.

Cut yourself some slack, you are not superhuman.