I'm a Mess but Want to Be a Nurse

Published

I know I know not another one of these posts. :(

I'm 35 years old and I have wanted to be a nurse for a long time but I suffer from Bipolar Disorder and have very low self esteem, am overly critical and can suffer from bouts of depression. I am medication compliant and am under the care of a psychiatrist but even still I have my moments every now and again.

Some background:

I was a CNA and I graduated at the top of my class and was great at my job in a hospital on an oncology unit. Whenever I had downtime I would read every single pt. chart I could get my hands on and research their illness and the meds they were on. If a pt. was being admitted with chest pain I would make a mental note that they would probably need CK and troponins drawn, be on telemetry, possibly need an EKG and be on a heart healthy diet. I even once caught an infected PICC line that an RN missed on her assessment (she was very new and I did not brag or make a show of it).

I went on to go to school to become a Surgical Technologist. Unfortunately during clinicals, after fainting multiple times, I was diagnosed with neurocardiogenic syncope and they wanted me to leave the program. I asked them to give me one more chance and they did. I ended up making sure I was hydrated, ate enough and packed my bra and underwear with ice packs to keep cool. I ended up graduating with honors and am in the AST National Honors Society.

Right now I'm a Medical Director Designee at an eye bank. I started out recovering corneas from donors to determining donor suitability by reviewing their med-soc history, evaluating the tissue for any type of pathology and then releasing for transplant.

See, when I look back at all of this I can say "Wow I was pretty successful and I do have drive and dedication!" However something about nursing terrifies me. I have so many what-ifs going through my head. What if I'm a success in school but a huge failure after? What if my mental illness somehow becomes an obstacle? What if I kill someone? Maybe I'm too stupid to be a nurse. It's just endless criticisms in my head. My husband also said he would support me 100% so I can dedicate my life to nursing school but what if I fail and he just wasted his time on me?

Thanks for reading guys. I know this is a bit scattered brained but nursing is a serious profession to go into and not one to take lightly so I want to be sure I can make it.

PS You guys rock as a community!

Up Vote Up Vote ×

I feel you, and your concerns! I also suffer from Bipolar Disorder, I am currently medicated and seeking tx. I worry about many of the same things you are! My husband, and other support system, have to encourage me daily reassuring me that I can do it and succeed. It's scary, but it's obvious you are smart and able to complete a program, AND be successful as a nurse!

Up Vote Up Vote ×

I think everyone is a little bit of a mess.

Making big changes in your life should be scary - if things weren't scary, you wouldn't ever get to be brave.

I sometimes wonder if I'm cut out for this. The only thing that gets me through is the knowledge that I won't know if I don't try. And not knowing, to me, is worse than failure.

Good luck with your decision.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

I'm 36 and have neurocardiogenic syncope as well, I've been on meds (Norpace)for years now and it's very well controlled. Between the meds and staying hydrated it's not an issue anymore. I've never dealt with bipolar and can't imagine how hard that must be, but I definitely think if its your dream you should go for it. That's what I'm doing even thought I'm almost twice the age as most of the students where I'm in school. I agree with Jen that it's worth trying, otherwise you'll always wonder.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in GENERAL.

OP:

Well, if you're a mess and you want to be a nurse, you'd be in good company once initiated.

No, I'm not kidding at all.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
+ Join the Discussion