I now have a fear of hospitals?

[Guest1034149]

On May 21, my mother passed away from sepsis caused by the blood thinner heparin. Ever since then, I have had a dislike for hospitals. On some days, I get triggered when I smell something that reminds me of the days I spent in the hospital for one month before my mother died. That automatically makes me depressed and wanting to cry. I really fear that interfering with my focus in nursing school and when I start to work in hospitals after my BSN. Is there a way to get past that fear? I also fear the guilt that I would get if my patient was to die and having to tell the family because I don't want them to feel the same pain that I felt when I was told the news. I still really want to work in NICU, but what nursing school holds for me, is what frightens me. Help...

[Davey Do]

My heart goes out to you sweetheart. My deepest condolences on the recent loss of your mother.

Smell is probably the strongest sense we have to evoke memories, so what you're experiencing is very understandable.

I have no solid process to help you deal with your fear associated with your experience. It is said that time heals all wounds and I hope this healing, with time, can happen with you.

The very best to you, sweetheart.

[Argo]

See a therapist.

[Here.I.Stand, BSN, RN]

((((Hugs)))) I'm so very sorry for the loss of your mom. This is probably still very raw, happening a few months ago.

Like DaveyDo said, smell is a powerful thing. From birth, we are all extremely nearsighted; a baby's sense of smell is a huge part of bonding with his mother. He can't see well enough to distinguish her features, but he knows her smell.

Have you received any grief counseling? A professional would have some strategies for helping you overcome, and you shouldn't have to go it alone anyway.

[Cricket183, BSN, RN]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I, too just lost my mom on May 17th so I can relate to how you feel.

I'm surprised by the things that trigger my grief. Sometimes it's a song on the radio, or something someone says. The other day, I saw something in the store that my mom would have loved and I picked it up and with the thought of getting it for her for Christmas and then it hit me. I left the store in tears. And like you mentioned, sometimes it's a smell. For me it's peppermint oil. Mom used it frequently there at the end for nausea.

I can certainly see how the smell of the hospital would be a trigger for you. Right now your loss is very fresh and you're emotions are going to be all over the place. It's normal to have feelings of depression and guilt, and fear and probably anger and a million other things too. I know because I'm feeling those things too.

You didn't mention what point you are at in your nursing school program or how long you have until you start clinicals but I have a few suggestions that might help you.

(1) If you're not already doing so, participate in a grief support group or at least talk to others who have experienced loss. My sister and I have always been close and we went through my mother's cancer diagnosis, illness, and loss together (a very short period of time--about 2 1/2 months). We've had each other to lean on but I've also reached out to a small group of friends who have lost their parent(s) for support and advice.

(2) If you are starting clinicals this semester, give your clinical instructor a heads up before your first clinical day. Let her/him know it may be difficult for you. Consider going to the clinical site on your own, days (or weeks) beforehand and just sitting in the lobby. Allow yourself to become accustomed to the environment (especially the smell) and try to control your emotional response. Practice deep breathing or meditation or listen to music, whatever helps make you feel calm. It may take more than once and you may need to take a friend or family member with you.

(3) Don't be afraid to seek out professional help. There is such a stigma associated with seeing a psychologist or counselor but there shouldn't be. You're grieving. Rightfully so. A counselor can help you with the grieving process if you need it. (I'm not implying you do.)

(4) Don't be afraid to ask for time off from school (a leave of absence) if you need it. If you find you just can't do it right now, it's ok to say so. I've discovered over the years that trying to force myself to do something that I'm just not capable of doing usually just gets me in trouble. You have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of others.

I hope these help in some small way. And again, I'm so very sorry for your loss.

[Glycerine82, LPN]

I just lost my Dad in May and I've found that although its HARD to be reminded of the circumstances surrounding his death when I encounter them at work, it's also helping me not to relate all things hospice, cancer etc. with him and the memories.

You may just need more time. It took me several weeks to make it through an entire shift without breaking down at least once (I usually had time to run to the ladies room,etc.) and each time I re-encounter something that reminds me of those final days of caring for him I am more prepared and de-sensitized for the next time.

Breathe, it's going to be ok. Think about how proud she would be of you and when you walk across the stage you can carry her picture. Think of that moment when you need strength to make it through. It will get easier and easier (to be around the hospital setting), I promise.