I have a new respect for familes who lose loved ones

Ruby Vee, BSN · Mar 26, 2013

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. Pets are a part of your life, and they are there for you every day in a way that other family members are not.

I lost my father (was holding his hand when he breathed his last breath) and my dog (was looking into her eyes when the light faded from them) within a few months of each other. I know this won't be true for everyone, but losing my dog was worse. She was only eight -- young for her breed -- and the cancer was diagnosed one day; she died the next. We absolutely knew that putting her to sleep was the best possible decision for her -- she was in pain and her back half was paralyzed.

Dad was in his 70s, and he was ready. He was worn out from taking care of my mother, who has Alzheimer's. He made his preparations, including dictating to me what he wanted on his grave stone. He'd had his cemetery plot for decades -- the one right behind his parents, which was right behind his grandparents, which was right behind their parents and just to the left of their parents. He said his goodbyes over a six week period, and then again when everyone who loved him trekked to his hospital bedside to say a final goodbye. He waited for me to arrive from two thousand miles away, and within a few hours he was gone. He planned it. He was ready. In the first days after his death, all I could feel was admiration that the man who always left all planning to my mother had somehow orchestrated his own death so magnificently. I miss him mightily, but I wish my mother could somehow emulate his example and just pass instead of lingering in abject misery year after year.

As for the dog, we missed her for a long, long time. Each time we walked into our home and she wasn't there to greet us, wriggling with joy to see us. Each time we left the house and she wasn't sitting at the top of the steps where here leash was kept, hoping we'd reach for the leash and she'd get to go. Each time we finished a meal and she wasn't there coveting the plates. Each time we prepared a meal and she wasn't underfoot. Each time we went off to bed and she wasn't dashing up the steps ahead of us, and each time we woke up and she didn't plant her front feet on the mattress at the first indication we were stirring.

That dog was an intimate part of my daily life. My dad was beloved and cherished, but he was thousands of miles away. I still miss him when I'm hunting for a specific recipe for something he would have just told me how to make. Or when the furnace is making funny noises and I'm trying to avoid calling a repairman. Or when I'm driving to work at 6 in the morning and I'm sleepy and want to talk to someone to stay awake. Dad and I had some of our best conversations then. But that dog was ALWAYS there, and Dad wasn't.

nurseprnRN, BSN, RN · Mar 26, 2013

Our vet sends us a very sweet card when one of our furballs dies. We have had many cats over the years; some, as the poem says, leave footprints in your heart that never go away. Some of our furballs have just disappeared into the food chain (there are coyotes nearby); most have died in my arms (my husband can't bear to do it, but had to once when I was away and it damn near killed him). Some I miss fondly, some I miss bitterly, some I just ache for. When you lose the capacity to feel pain, you also lose the capacity to have true joy, so I wouldn't trade any of it for a moment. We will always have cats, no matter the pain when we lose them, because the joy of having them is so great. You will have more kitties, too (we always get sisters so they have a friend when we're not home). For now, cry whenever you need to. We will cry with you.

To bring it back to the parent-pet link, I read this at my father's funeral. He was a dog kinda guy, and grieved mightily when one died. It makes me tear up just now just reading it again.

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.

There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.

There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.

The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown... Rainbow Bridge Poem - Petloss.com

bell1962 · Mar 26, 2013

I am so sorry for your loss OP. Pets truly are part of the family. I lost my mother 3 yrs ago to cancer that was only diagnosed 2 weeks before she passed. I was the only one present for her actual death. Last week we had to put our beloved boxer down. She was in pain and paralysed. It was something neurologic, probably cancer per the vet. Most of my family was with her when she passed. Both instances were very hard but i know for both of them death was really a blessing, Even though I miss them both alot. Prayers to you....

LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN · Mar 26, 2013

(HUGS) my condolences.

I had cried my eyes out when I took my fiancé's cat into the vet with resp. distress and died suddenly...it was the WORST I felt, ever. I've had pedi pt's in hospice; two had died within 3 months of each other...THAT was just as brutal, and that was expected.

Death and crisis can be very traumatic...take care of yourself at this time as well.

As for my cat, he sits atop a dresser with his name on a glossy oak wood box. My new cats love being around it .

SunshineDaisy, ASN, RN · Mar 26, 2013

Everything has been said already. All I can offer is hugs, so *hugs*. I'm sorry for your loss

carsm3 · Mar 26, 2013

I am so sorry for the loss of your kitty. As an animal lover myself I just can't imagine anything happening to my sweet boy. I would just be torn apart. I've had to put several animals to sleep throughout my life and it truly never gets easier. My most recent was a rescue dog that my sister got from a shelter. The look of pain in her eyes gave us comfort in knowing we were doing what was right for her. For those of us who love our animals, they ARE our babies and it is just as painful to lose them as it is to lose a human. I do some work with hospice so I have watched many, many people take their final breaths and usually the family has a sense of relief following that moment. Not because they were a burden or a hassle, but because they are no longer in pain and no longer have to fight. I sat beside my grandfathers bed two years ago as he battled cancer of the stomach that spread to his liver, lungs, bones, and eventually brain. I will tell you that there is something so fulfilling when it comes to "helping" someone leave this world and enter another. No matter how much we will miss them, they are in a place with no pain and suffering. Prayers for you in this tough time.

ComeTogether, LPN · Mar 26, 2013

Thanks so much everyone for your sweet words. I am glad that I am not alone in feeling like it is just as bad as losing a human loved one. Although each day I get a little bit more used to his absence, It still hurts. I know that I saved him from a cruel painful death as he was an inside/outside cat. (He adopted us when we moved here.....showed up one day and would not leave). I know that more than likely he would have wandered off never to be seen again and so I saved him and me from whatever may have happened. I also believe I did the right thing by not allowing him all kinds of life sustaining treatment that would have made him angry and been painful only to let him live two more months at most. I just keep thinking "What if....Maybe I could have....." Like maybe he wasn't ready at that moment and I jumped the gun. His belly was full of fluid though and I can't imagine he was very comortable.

I have always been the kind of care giver that believes in quality of life over quantity and feel that we are more humane to animals than we are to people. I am glad I didn't end up being a hypocrite when it came down to it allowing him to suffer just so I could have kept him longer.

Thank you all so much I can't tell you how much it has helped. I don't know why I am surprised, obviously Nurses are compassionate people. :-) I am glad to know I am not crazy for morning the loss of my Kitty boy the way that I am.

ComeTogether, LPN · Mar 26, 2013

Ruby you are sooo sweet and your post made me cry. I am glad I am not the only one who's animals are like children. You said every single thing I am thinking. Doesn't hurt as long but just as deeply, and I only got 6 years with my kitty. He was abandoned before that and who knows what else. He was very old but to me he was young. xo

jewelzrnbsn1080 · Mar 26, 2013

I (a premed gone nursing) was working in the ICU and had been for two years (as a CNA). I watched so many people die. I always dealt with the family compassionately. I had never seen a nurse cry when someone died... It was more the closed attitude of bag em and tag em.. (cold). My twin sister had four cancers in the span of five years. My mother had died when I was a kid of cancer. Somehow I didn't not get the genetic disposition my mom presumably had and my sister did have. Li fraumeni... Thats aside from the point. I always had a feeling that once my sister got leukemia.. it'd be game over. After bone cancer, two types of breast cancer came leukemia, on our 21st birthday.. 8 months later the transplant failed (I wasn't a match). The day after thanksgiving 2012 she asked me to take her to er.. As her caregiver and twin I obliged. Hours later the doctors told me she wouldn't survive the night. Teams of Doctors stood talking around me asking questions, barking orders, I fell into shock mode.

Life support saved her from septic shock, docs warned we weren't out of the woods yet. But monday she was extubated. I'll never forget how that felt.. Tuesday.. She needed the vent... She wasn't doing well again.. She said no. While I still firmly believe that is what she wanted. I don't think she understood the science. Sure, she could have survived pneumonia, staff infection in her blood, and the septic shock all with a white count of 0.1, however the damage was done. Her EF was 25% never again could this 21 year old have chemotherapy again. The battle could've been won, but the war was lost. I stood behind her decision because we had fought cancer for five years, thats all she knew how to do. She told the doctors she would resume treatment on monday... How do you tell someone who has done nothing but fight.. you have days to live.. Thankfully she made that decision.

The nurses were the ones who helped me through. She was agonally breathing for four hours... I felt like a monster giving so much pain medicine, but the nurses helped talk me down. The nurses cried with me and even held my sisters hand after she died. When she died that night.. I gained an entirely new perspective. This was my twin sister and my hero. She couldn't beat a terrible disease the fourth time around, but she truly was an upbeat, loving person and the nurses who took care of her the past 8 months knew her. they weren't afraid to show their compassion and love. Many of them even cried with me. I gained a whole different perspective on those who die in the icu or even hospital.. Like my sister showed me... NOt only that but I decided to be a nurse. So I can show the love they showed me that night to the patients that I may be helping one day...

Crazy how you can end up cold and bitter then in an instant be changed when it happens to you..

PRICHARILLAisMISSED · Mar 26, 2013

No need to downplay the loss of a pet, OP. To some of us they ARE family, not just "like family." "Pricharilla" from my handle was my dog...

And I am so sorry for your loss. I can tell you that it will get easier to deal with eventually, but there will be times when something will trigger a memory, and for a minute or so it will feel fresh.

Poochiewoochie · Mar 26, 2013

I'm sorry for your loss. Pets are family members to a lot of people-ours was to us.

However, I was with my dog and my Mom when they died. My dog was euthanized and it was a rather quiet death unlike my Mom who gasped for her breaths for 4 hours before she died. I loved my pooch but my Mom's death was far more traumatic and unless you have actually witnessed a loved one dying like that you really can not compare those two ways of dying.

Yes, I loved both of them but at least I know my pooch just went to sleep and died peacefully. I take comfort in that. On the other hand the way my Mom died was not painless(regardless what the so-called experts have told me) and it haunts me.

Guest343211 · Mar 27, 2013

I had something happen to me two nights ago, and I have been thinking about how much It changed me. I have watched people lose thier loved ones, and although always sad, I've never truly known what it feels like to watch someone you love die. I'm talking about activley watching it, not getting a phone call later. Both are sad situations but the first I think is unique and traumatic in it's own way. I had to put my beloved Cat to sleep two nights ago. I know what you're thinking....."Really? Her Cat?" Well, my little fur baby died in my arms and I have never felt such heartache and grief in my entire life as I did in that moment. I have lost both of my Grandmothers, but neither of them in front of me. I have watched countless family members lose their loved ones and always have felt sad for them but never did I truly know what it was like. I still don't and I can promise you I dread the day....... I am not comparing losing a feline companion to losing a Mother or a Father, mind you. I am just in awe of how painful It was/is to feel his little body fade away in my arms. I have a new respect for this process and anyone who has to be there with someone who goes through it. All I can think is if I hurt this bad over my little kitty how does anyone move on after losing a parent or spouse in the same way. Wow. Just food for thought, and I wanted to share. I am still grieving and am sitting here typing away with no furball to keep me warm.

You know, some people just don't bond to their pets like other people do. Every time I've lost a pet, it ripped my heart out of me, and I've lost close loved ones too. It's still a loss. You saw and interacted with your fur baby every single day. You cared for that baby, took her/him to the vet, bought special food and toys for him/her, and played with your baby. You told your baby your problems, and he/she listened (or least acted like it did) without arguing with you or discounting your feelings. You loved that baby, and a loss of the being that you loved hurts, period.

Give yourself time and grieve, and don't feel like you shouldn't have grief over this loss, ever. You need to go through the process, and you can't rush it.

I wish I could magically take away your pain, Glycerine; but you know it doesn't work that way. You have to go through it. But you can also remember the joy your fur baby brought to you, and the happiness you brought to her/his life.

It always hurts when you go through such a loss. Strange but it's supposed to hurt. The hurt is a tribute to the one that you have lost.