I need advice with life-please help

redwinggirlie · Jun 8, 2005

There's a lot going on there. Be well and be there for you. Can you take some time for your family and get help with counseling? I mean for everyone. Seems like you are the one with the clear head. What does your husband do? Is he there for the family? Goodness, I wish you well. Seems like you need a hug and some support. We are here.

nursey_girl · Jun 8, 2005

Bless your heart!

Your priorities should be to your two children at home. They need you, and protection from their bully brother.

The oldest is 17, and obviously having some issues, and I find it doubtful that your Ex is a support system, actually he probably feeds your son anger.

I've been an RN for about 8 years now, give or take, anyway, shortly after graduation I left my Ex. He never supported me or our 4 children, be it financially, or emotionally. I was also downed for going to school. He called me idiot ,stupid ,a dreamer...I knew that if I wanted something better for my children and myself, I had to suck it up and get past it.

I never talked bad about my childrens dad to them. I knew they would all one day see it for themselves. ( and they did) I graduated, I moved a few hours away, and we settled into a comfortable routine. We are doing great as a family. Last year I married a wonderful man! Everything a good husband should be. Last month I married off two of my children, and the other two are busy with their own plans. ( It was not always easy...I have one daughter, and three rowdy boys!)

Don't let the Ex or your oldest son keep you from the life you and your children deserve. The Ex is not worth it, and your son has to be responsible for his own actions. You have to be tough, and draw clear boundaries as to what is expected and accepted. You are the Mother here, and the younger boys have to depend on you for their protection!

You are obviously a strong woman, you have set goals in your life and met them. Nursing is no small task by any measure. You have to put your head before your heart. Best of luck to you!

nicenurse911121 · Jun 8, 2005

Well husband dont think he needs counseling but is willing- but if he is blind will it really help? He is an ulphosterer, and he is here financially -still pays house pmt and lights but never has been here emotionally. Thanks for the hug and support,I need it.

There's a lot going on there. Be well and be there for you. Can you take some time for your family and get help with counseling? I mean for everyone. Seems like you are the one with the clear head. What does your husband do? Is he there for the family? Goodness, I wish you well. Seems like you need a hug and some support. We are here.

Katnip, RN · Jun 8, 2005

Take advantage of the fact that he's willing to go.

It probably won't solve everything, but it sure can't hurt.

Best of luck to you.

allnurses Guide · Jun 8, 2005

{{{{{{{{{{NICENURSE}}}}}}}}

I agree, if he'll go its at least a step in the right direction.

Even if he doesn't go, get some support for you, and advice on dealing with the 17 yo.

more hugs: {{{{{{{{nicenurse}}}}}

leslieanne · Jun 8, 2005

I agree with the others. Take advantage of the counseling and even if he stops, keep going with your kids.

Your 17 year old is at a point in his life where he is going to have to be responsible for his actions. Lots of us come from difficult backgrounds. It's up to us to think about what kind of life we want for ourselves and make conscious decisions about how we act.

I don't know how you can get through to your son, I hope you can get him to counseling as well. Your main priority is helping the 2 younger children.

Good luck,

Leslie

rjflyn, ASN, RN · Jun 8, 2005

I would agree with the others since it hasnt been tried go with the counseling first. But if it doesnt work he is in fact breaking the law-... ie stealing a vehicle. Sometimes it takes drastic measures so give him a warning if he takes a vehicle without consent again you will report it as stolen and have him arrested. Assaut is also a crime and more specificly domestic assualt is very serious ie even if its a not a felony federal stautes require loss of certain privleges ie someone convited of this cannot ever purchase i firearm for example. Warn him if he hit anyone in the family you will have him arrested. Life is about choices one makes right or wrong they all have consequences. We all chose what we do and what we are at some point in our lives.

rj:rolleyes:

I agree with the others. Take advantage of the counseling and even if he stops, keep going with your kids.
Your 17 year old is at a point in his life where he is going to have to be responsible for his actions. Lots of us come from difficult backgrounds. It's up to us to think about what kind of life we want for ourselves and make conscious decisions about how we act.
I don't know how you can get through to your son, I hope you can get him to counseling as well. Your main priority is helping the 2 younger children.
Good luck,
Leslie

kyrunner · Jun 8, 2005

It sounds like you've got some heavy burdens on you. The ONLY advice I will give you is to call on Jesus. He's the only one that can make things the way they're supposed to be. Do you go to church? If not, that's where you and all the kids need to be active. Give your life to the Lord and He will do some amazing things for you and your children. I'm 34 yo with 3 boys and married. (I just passed my NCLEX yesterday by the way...WOOHOO!!!). I'm not a WHACKO...I just love the Lord and all the blessings he showers on me everyday because I obey Him.

Okay, here goes, I am 36 years old, a mom of 3: 17-boy,15-boy and 7-girl. I was married at 18 to their father. Put my life on hold as most of us do, to have a family. I had taken health occupations for 3 years in High School, but became a CNA at 18. Stayed a CNA for 13 years. I have now been a LPN for 3 years and a RN NOW for 3 years. My husband and I have recently separated due to years of occasional physical, and mental abuse. He still will slap me if I get in the way of protecting my 17 year old son, whom is giving alot of rebellion.(wonder why- duh) Anyway, Everything is radiating from my 17 year old including him hitting my 15 year old who is deaf but thats all. His father had came to the house last week and left his car while I was at work on 3rd so he could bring things to fix the roof the next day in a truck. The 17 yo stole my key off my key chain and stole his dads car and went joy riding leaving his 15 yo brother and 7 yo sis at home alone at 3 am. If anything was to happen the 15 yo wouldnt know. Some hx- we took his truck a month ago for laying out of school 17 days then getting kicked out for 10 for disrespecting a teacher, well he still graduated somehow, mostly 70s in all classes thru HS. Yes he did get 200.00 for grad but no new car or anything(and he hasnt let me forget). Well last night I came to work-the truck is now at the house- he had a key made previously I didnt know about, took it for a ride last night, when I confronted him he blew up and tried to go after his brother to hit him. I got in the middle and told him it had to stop and was cussing me for everything with every word imaginable, well, I told him if he didnt leave, I would call the sheriffs dept., he left with some clothes walking. I am now at work, 2 30 am , my cousin is watching my other kids. WHAT DO I DO- My husband doesnt see the cycle and says"How many times did I hit you" and I replied"One time was one time too much", He wont go get counseling, really I dont think he thinks anything is his fault, but you and I know it is ALL his fault. Actually he slapped me 2 weeks ago for getting in between them, I called the police and ya know what-go get papers filed-yeah right and him be even madder and possibly hurt me, it took them 35 min to come(I live in the boonies)---This doesnt explain it all --but please some input. I am a very caring, compassionate person, and it hurts to make my son leave, he needs help I know, but wont work has no ambitions, and he isnt hurting his brother and talking like that in my house. Oh-----and my husband always downs me for bein a nurse, he told me to stop diagnosing everyone, he has a hx of MI in family.

Haunted · Jun 9, 2005

Hey little girl, things are getting very hectic! I have a 17 year old son who has been in similar trouble, stealings cars, getting high and drunk. Reclusive and defliant and an ex husband who blames me and tells his son that these problems are MY FAULT and that I am a BAD MOTHER!!!!

First, I restricted my ex's contact with my son. Next I randomly drug tested my son, then I hired a security guard to pick him up every day after school and stay with him until I could be there. Then, I continued my son in therapy with a great shrink.

My son is now a happy guy who is doing well in school. As we speak he is actually whistling and trotting off to school, even said "By Mom, have a good day!!"

What worked for me in getting through all this:

1. Knowing and coming to the conclusion that my son's Dad is a deadbeat emotionally with his own agenda and I cannot count on him to be supportive of my son or myself. The less we see or hear from him, the better off we all are.

2. Using every available resource, whether it's through my son's high school, neighbors, family members and friends to look out for us, come around as often as possible, be there for us etc. Frequent phone calls, monitoring and emails to stay focused.

3. Reducing my work hours. I work registry and cut back on my schedule to about 16 to 24 hours a week, usually home by 4 PM.

Please consider working day time hours, it sounds like most of the monkey business happens while you are at work at night.

Lock your purse, all keys etc. in your bedroom when you come home and when you go to bed. Remove the temptation.

Your son is still legally a minor, you are responsible if he causes any damage.

Restrict your ex husbands access to your home, your children. Big feffen deal if he pays the mortgage! It's technically half his also and I am sure when your divorce settlement is final, he will insist on half of the equity.

Take some karate, tai kwondo or another form of self defense. Not only will the exercise relieve some stress, it will give you self confidence that you never had before. Many community centers offer low cost or often free courses, also check with your local law enforcement agency since you said you live in a remote area.

On that regard I would also insist that a patrol car do a drive by at least once an evening, you may even suggest that for the time being they come and spot check your home. It takes them all of 5 minutes, you can offer the officer a cup of coffee, they get to know your kids and cops LOVE nurses!

I know these suggestions seem overwhelming but write them down and check them off one at a time, as you consider them. Someone suggested them to me at a time when I was floundering and they kept on pushing me until I MOVED in the right direction! SO MOVE IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION BABY!!!

Lastly, be kind to yourself. Get a pedicure, have lunch with a friend, play in your garden or plant a garden. Journal, paint, knit. Express what is going on.

nicenurse911121 · Jun 9, 2005

There's a lot going on there. Be well and be there for you. Can you take some time for your family and get help with counseling? I mean for everyone. Seems like you are the one with the clear head. What does your husband do? Is he there for the family? Goodness, I wish you well. Seems like you need a hug and some support. We are here.

Thanks for all your suggestions

nicenurse911121 · Jun 9, 2005

{{{{{{{{{{NICENURSE}}}}}}}}
I agree, if he'll go its at least a step in the right direction.
Even if he doesn't go, get some support for you, and advice on dealing with the 17 yo.
more hugs: {{{{{{{{nicenurse}}}}}

thanks so much for all the advice, any helps-Thanks to all of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!