I just lost my mom...now what? Seeking program advice.

nlitened · Sep 21, 2014

I'm sorry for your loss. I know you said you don't want to go part-time, but maybe that is something you need right now. You need time to grieve and take care of yourself. Dealing with a parent passing is a tough thing, and going through that while in school makes it that much tougher. Good luck with whatever you choose!

Barespot · Sep 21, 2014

I have no advice to give but I wanted to tell you that I am sorry for your loss and I am sending up a prayer for you.

meanmaryjean, DNP, RN · Sep 21, 2014

I'm so sorry. Your mom sounds like a remarkable person.

If part-time gets you to your goal, and relieves some of the burden you now find yourself under- then do the part-time route. You'll still get there.

UnaNayeli · Sep 21, 2014

You seem incredibly intelligent and your Mother must be incredibly proud of the way you conduct yourself. I'm sorry for your loss and agree that there is no shame in going part-time in order to achieve balance and peace. In fact, this realization and choice shows incredible maturity!

allnurses Guide · Sep 21, 2014

So very sorry for your loss. I lost my mom to breast cancer in 2010. You are so right in saying that we don't know enough about you or emotional make-up to say for sure. I do feel comfortable in saying a few things, though.

You just lost your mother and you need to grieve. You really must - especially if you are feeling guilty for not returning her calls, etc. I would say to banish those thoughts from your mind but I know it's quite impossible in the beginning.

Now is not the time to be making life-altering decisions such as dropping to part-time unless you are currently failing and overwhelmed and it's obvious you will fail out of the program altogether whether you drop to part-time or not.

It doesn't sound to me like that is the case. If you can hang in there, even if your grades are not as high as you hoped, I think you should. We can learn to forgive ourselves less-than-perfect grades and still pass.

Secondly, I'm hearing that your nursing program director is a sympathetic and kind person. Can you meet with her and share your concerns about your progress going forward? Honestly, she can probably assess your current status and give you honest and more accurate feedback than we can at this point.

Does your school offer low-cost counseling just to help you get through the stormy weather and provide perspective (ie assure you you're not crazy just grieving and stressed-out? :-))

Lastly, in my case I know my mom would've wanted me to claw my way through the sadness and stick to my goals if I possibly could, but if I couldn't she would say she loved me and to dust off and go back at it again. I'm sure you know what your mother would want for you, too.

We've had people go through the deaths of loved-ones here on allnurses and literally post from the chapel they were so desperate for support, so I'm sure there are lots of us who are willing to listen if you want to reach out even though we don't know you personally we feel your sadness. (((hugs))) Bless you and your kiddo.

Roman1 · Sep 21, 2014

I am so sorry for your loss. Going part time may be your best option right now, and allow you the time you need to grieve and regain focus. Your mom is always with you and cheering you on in whatever decision you make. You are strong and will achieve your goal. Best of luck.

akulahawkRN, ADN, RN, EMT-P · Sep 21, 2014

First off: I'm sorry for your loss. To me, it's obvious you're very much in grief and it's going to be a while before you're mentally back to normal. Have you considered withdrawing from this semester and re-starting the next time these classes are available again? I don't know if dropping down to part-time will help or hinder you or even if it's possible for you to do that at this point in your semester.

I do know that it's going to be difficult for you to focus well right now but you'll have to have to figure out how to focus enough to get things done. I'm not saying that you need to "get over it" or anything of the sort... just that you need to learn to focus long enough get through your obligations.

phoenoryker · Sep 21, 2014

I am truly sorry for your loss. I have to give advice because I lost my mom to breast cancer when I was 13 and my father a few years ago. My father was in the hospital for a week before he died. He was discharged for not following Dr orders and died three days later. He was sneaking food and not following fluid limits, they had enough, I got mad at him when the nurse gave me the news and left mad. He called and told me he tried his best, but I still lectured. I didn't talk to him the day he died...I worked mids, he texted me at 330 in morning to tell me he loved me... Coroner estimated he died around that time... Pulmonary edema and congestive heart failure. He loved me and I loved him, the other stuff I said don't matter. Just like you not taking the calls. Your mom understood the commitment on your end. But please, honor your mom by finishing strong, dedicate that to her. Grieve when it's over, but now, you kick nursing schools ass for your mom. **** cancer, and you help others some day who have to walk your path. I don't know you, but I feel your feelings. Don't stop!!!

JenniferWilson74 · Sep 21, 2014

We are all different, and I can definitely see that from the responses of those who lost a parent during nursing school. I was just beginning my fourth semester (out of six) when my mother's health took a turn for the worse. Her health had been teetering in the balances from just about the time I started nursing school 1 1/2 years prior, and there was always this waiting, and wondering... What would I do when I got that call, and knew she was finally losing the battle with breast cancer, I mean, really losing the battle. That call finally came when I was about 3 weeks into my 4th semester. At first I thought I could be strong and both grieve and continue on in school. I packed my books and homework and drove down to be with her on weekends (she lived 4 hrs away), or that was my plan anyway. I had just completed my hospice rotation (of all rotations!) and I was working on the corresponding paper after having spent all day with Mom at the hospital. I remember sitting there, working on the paper, thinking how ironic it was that I was writing about the grieving process as outsider looking in, when really, I was an insider! My classmates were so great, they wanted me to continue on with them so much, they wanted to support me, whatever I needed, to make it through, but ultimately I made the choice to drop out of school and go be with my Mom during her last weeks of life, a decision I will never regret. She did not go easy, and I was there when she took her last breath. I would like to say she went in peace, but it didn't exactly work out that way.

Within the weeks after her death I had many dreams about her, all of them full of strife and suffering. The dream that I really remember was one particular dream, where I was a nurse and she was my patient. She was in her hospital bed hooked up to all kinds of drips, and O2, and beeping machines. I was in my nursing uniform running around the room, trying to provide every comfort measure I could think of, everything I had been learning in nursing school: positioning, analgesics, O2, antiemetics, foley catheter, bowel protocol, and when I ran out of assessments and interventions, there was just one last thing left for me to do, and that was to get into bed with her and hold her. At that moment, I heard my mother whisper in my ear, "Jennifer, I just hurt so much..." It woke me up, and I as in tears. Her voice was so real, and I could literally feel her breath touching my face.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing all of this... maybe it is to let you know that it is not only okay to grieve, but it is important. We all grieve in our own way. If that means taking a break from school, whether that is to go to part time, or just take some time off all together, then so be it. Take the time that you need to go THROUGH this process, not around it. I always tell myself that life is a journey, not a destination. Don't be in such a hurry to arrive, because as long as you keep moving in one particular direction, you will get there. In the meantime, live in the moment and enjoy (as much as possible) the ride. Grieve for your mother, and take time for yourself. Get counseling if you need it, but definitely give yourself permission and space to grieve. I guarantee you will be a better nurse in the long run because of it.

BTW, I am back in the nursing program, my time off delayed me 1 1/2 years because I couldn't get right back into the program. But not for one second do I regret my decision. I know my mother would have understood if I had stayed in the program through her dying process, in fact, it is what she wanted. But I didn't take the time off for her, I did it for me. And as long as you never stop moving toward your goal, I guarantee, your mother will be very proud of you, whether it is accomplished in 2 years or 4 years, or even longer.

bribreeze87 · Sep 21, 2014

Im so sorry for your loss. I can relate...I lost my mother and my father very tragically. You do need to allow yourself time to grieve. Although i never got over the loss it will get easier. Think to yourself what your mom would want you to do. By no means going part time is a failure! Im glad you have that option. Don't give up! Wether it takes you 1year or 2 doesn't matter. Think about your health. Just like it takes time for a patient to heal from surgery same goes for losing a loved. You cant expect yourself to be able to concentrate in school and go through the grieving process with such a heavy load on your shoulders. Go part time and maybe pick up full time when you have dealt with your feelings. Only you can decide. Again what would your mom want. She was and is your cheerleader! So dont give up! Hugs and prayers your way!

Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN · Sep 21, 2014

I am so sorry ((HUGS)).

My niece lost her Dad in her second to last semester of an accelerated program. She took a week off the school was understanding. She stayed in school because she KNEW that it what her Dad wanted.

Each person is different. Going to school part time or taking a break is OK! What would your Mom WANT you to do?

Nursing school will be there....you need to care for you. ((HUGS))