I had dilute urine :(

Nurses Recovery

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I am not looking for advice so much as I would like some kind words (feel so weird asking for this). 

So, I had dilute urine. It wasn't intentional, just that I drink a lot of water and don't eat very much (I take adderall for ADHD). I had to take a blood test, which I am sure is a peth test. 

Now, I did binge drink for maybe two weeks. I know I'm not an alcoholic, and I know every alcoholic says this at some point or another. I lived in an emotionally abusive household, which I didn't realize it until a couple of weeks ago, when my father told me that I was worthless. He was so angry that I attempted suicide, and said I ruined his life. He and I patched things up, and I know he regrets his words. He just has trouble expressing his emotions (Not making an excuse but my dad did tolerate my depression for years before this). 

One of my problems is that I have a really hard time opening up to strangers. So, in situations like this one, I feel really ashamed to disclose after the fact. 

I don't want people to think I'm making excuses or failing to take responsibility. I am always too proud beforehand, and after I *** up, I feel really pitiful, and it all sounds like excuses. One of the things I do like about this program is that I feel nobody cares, in the sense that I don't have to worry about letting anyone down. To my case manager, I'm as anonymous as I am to all of you (considering we only communicate via text). At the same time, I think my case manager may report me for noncompliance once the results come back positive (and they will be positive). 

So, I feel really down. I hope I do not get kicked out of this program. Hopefully I will be sent to AA or rehab. I don't mind saying I'm an alcoholic if it means I don't get kicked out of this program. 

I just found out that I got my dream job, which is not in nursing, and am moving across the country to start my third career LOL. I haven't taken any steps to reactivate my license, as I have no intention to return to nursing. However, I can't bear the idea of my family having to suffer the public humiliation of a discipline order. Anyway, I don't know why I am sharing other than not having any other place to share. Ironically, I can't share with my therapist, because IDK what she shares with the board of nursing. So, I have you lot here to confess to 

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Specializes in Psychiatry.

I'll offer advice even though you aren't asking.  Be honest with your case manager and say you drank. It's different in each state but in the state where I am they will call it a relapse and send you to IOP.  If your new career pays well I'd surrender your license and live your life. 

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Specializes in Psych, Addictions, SOL (Student of Life).

Many participants report dilute urine when they try to stay hydrated. One tip is to drink your water but make sure you are eating plenty of protine.

Hppy 

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Healer555 said:

I'll offer advice even though you aren't asking.  Be honest with your case manager and say you drank. It's different in each state but in the state where I am they will call it a relapse and send you to IOP.  If your new career pays well I'd surrender your license and live your life. 

Yeah they want me to go to treatment facility but I don't have a substance use issue. I mean granted I've never struggled with depression like this but it seems so odd to now make me go to AA for 5 years. I don't mind though, it's all free and I have a lot of time on my hands. 

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Specializes in Psychiatry.
Sam_0896 said:

Yeah they want me to go to treatment facility but I don't have a substance use issue. I mean granted I've never struggled with depression like this but it seems so odd to now make me go to AA for 5 years. And go to rehab

Sadly, it doesn't matter if you have a substance use disorder or not. We all get the same sentence.  I don't have a substance use disorder but I'm doing all that they ask because I can't earn as much in another field otherwise I would surrender my license and take my life back. I spend time and money on drug tests AA meetings which I don't benefit from because I like the salary I get. 

Can you just surrender your license and move on with your life? If not, you need to jump through the hoops they ask you to and commit to not drinking or using any substances until you finish the 5 years. 

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Healer555 said:

Sadly, it doesn't matter if you have a substance use disorder or not. We all get the same sentence.  I don't have a substance use disorder but I'm doing all that they ask because I can't earn as much in another field otherwise I would surrender my license and take my life back. I spend time and money on drug tests AA meetings which I don't benefit from because I like the salary I get. 

Can you just surrender your license and move on with your life? If not, you need to jump through the hoops they ask you to and commit to not drinking or using any substances until you finish the 5 years. 

I don't want to humiliate my family with a discipline order. I have another job at a tech company and the  requirements (support group, drug testing) aren't an issue for me. I would be in therapy even if I wasn't in this program. Rehab doesn't sound bad honestly because it's basically just therapy. I'm willing to lie and play along, except the AA part.

I've attended AA for a clinical assignment in nursing school, and it was really touching experience. But as an observer. Having to navigate the 12 steps and find a sponsor feels dishonest. Then again, maybe it is a good thing like if I'm not an alcoholic, the fact that I would resort to drinking to cope with an emotionally abusive environment (in light of the high cost of being kicked out of this program) suggests I am susceptible. It's hard when someone says you have a substance use disorder to dispute it because denial is a part of the problem.  I don't want to be labeled as a problem, but also feel like maybe I should ask to be evaluated first?

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Specializes in Psychiatry.
Sam_0896 said:

I don't want to humiliate my family with a discipline order. I have another job at a tech company and the  requirements (support group, drug testing) aren't an issue for me. I would be in therapy even if I wasn't in this program. Rehab doesn't sound bad honestly because it's basically just therapy. I'm willing to lie and play along, except the AA part.

I've attended AA for a clinical assignment in nursing school, and it was really touching experience. But as an observer. Having to navigate the 12 steps and find a sponsor feels dishonest. Then again, maybe it is a good thing like if I'm not an alcoholic, the fact that I would resort to drinking to cope with an emotionally abusive environment (in light of the high cost of being kicked out of this program) suggests I am susceptible. It's hard when someone says you have a substance use disorder to dispute it because denial is a part of the problem.  I don't want to be labeled as a problem, but also feel like maybe I should ask to be evaluated first?

It sounds like things work very differently in your state. You have a monitoring agreement but weren't evaluated? 

You're in individual therapy outside of the monitoring agreement? If so talk to your therapist.  

It's all or nothing.  You have to go to 4 meetings a week in addition to everything else. At least meetings are free. I go and have a sponsor and I'm honest about not having a SUD. 

 Good luck

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Specializes in ER, Rehab, TCU, Medsurg.

Yes, I think it is humbling for healthcare professionals to have those disciplinary actions publicized online.  But, remember, people actually have to go to those websites to look you up.  Does your family actually do that?

I'm happy you found another job in another field.  Before you stop attending the AA meetings or steps to reactivate your license, please start working in that job 6 months and see if you like it.  Then, re-evaluate your decision.

I don't know how old you are or how many more years you must work before retirement.  I have a friend who surrendered her license in her mid 50s.  About 8 yrs later, she regretted her choice because she couldn't find a well-paying job.  She thought about taking a refresher course and starting to go through the hoops but never did.  She's a vibrant 68 yr old and could still be doing some light nursing work earning decent pay.  Instead, she decided to take a job in the school system making slightly above minimum pay.  

I wish you well.  Bravo to you for writing down your story and sharing it.  For me, it's therapeutic but also hard to see my painful past.

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Healer555 said:

It sounds like things work very differently in your state. You have a monitoring agreement but weren't evaluated? 

You're in individual therapy outside of the monitoring agreement? If so talk to your therapist.  

It's all or nothing.  You have to go to 4 meetings a week in addition to everything else. At least meetings are free. I go and have a sponsor and I'm honest about not having a SUD. 

 Good luck

Your sponsor doesn't mind that you don't have an SUD? What do you talk about? I'm just curious because I imagine if I say I'm not an alcoholic that people will be hesitant to even be a sponsor. At the same time, I can totally relate to the underlying issues (ie shame, depression, anxiety, insecurities, etc) so I feel like it can be beneficial either way. 

And no, I mean I tried to commit suicide at work using medication. That's diversion, so it's automatic 5 year contract. They have a criteria and there are some offenses that just go straight into a contract. I didn't mind not getting evaluated because it's almost a grand, but being in this situation makes me think maybe that'd be a better choice. And I have to go to AA for 3 days a week after my initial 90 meetings in 90 days. I got into therapy on my own, it's not in my contract that I have to go to therapy but they do expect I am in therapy

The other issue is that if I choose to get evaluated, they won't let me go on a family trip. It is abroad, so if the evaluator says I need treatment then I'd have to cancel. I'm willing to take that gamble just because I know they take forever to submit a report. But if they say I have to go to treatment, I'm not flying back early just to go. If I don't get the evaluation, then I can wait until I return to go to treatment. It doesn't make much sense, but from what I learned in group it sounds like the evaluator will likely label me as having an SUD. 

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blackberry said:

Yes, I think it is humbling for healthcare professionals to have those disciplinary actions publicized online.  But, remember, people actually have to go to those websites to look you up.  Does your family actually do that?

I'm happy you found another job in another field.  Before you stop attending the AA meetings or steps to reactivate your license, please start working in that job 6 months and see if you like it.  Then, re-evaluate your decision.

I don't know how old you are or how many more years you must work before retirement.  I have a friend who surrendered her license in her mid 50s.  About 8 yrs later, she regretted her choice because she couldn't find a well-paying job.  She thought about taking a refresher course and starting to go through the hoops but never did.  She's a vibrant 68 yr old and could still be doing some light nursing work earning decent pay.  Instead, she decided to take a job in the school system making slightly above minimum pay.  

I wish you well.  Bravo to you for writing down your story and sharing it.  For me, it's therapeutic but also hard to see my painful past.

No, but still it just would make me feel so paranoid I guess. I'd feel really ashamed for putting them through that. Once I found a woman I worked with. Not intentionally but I googled her name and it popped up. 

Honestly, when they told me that I couldn't work as a nurse I felt ... relieved. I loved my time as a nurse, but it was something that I chose at a time when I was too scared to go for what I really wanted. It's still early at my new job, and it has it's downsides as any job does. But it brings me much closer to what I want. If I didn't have to go through this program, then I wouldn't have gotten honest with myself about my life of quiet desperation. 

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Specializes in Psychiatry.
Sam_0896 said:

Your sponsor doesn't mind that you don't have an SUD? What do you talk about? I'm just curious because I imagine if I say I'm not an alcoholic that people will be hesitant to even be a sponsor. At the same time, I can totally relate to the underlying issues (ie shame, depression, anxiety, insecurities, etc) so I feel like it can be beneficial either way. 

And no, I mean I tried to commit suicide at work using medication. That's diversion, so it's automatic 5 year contract. They have a criteria and there are some offenses that just go straight into a contract. I didn't mind not getting evaluated because it's almost a grand, but being in this situation makes me think maybe that'd be a better choice. And I have to go to AA for 3 days a week after my initial 90 meetings in 90 days. I got into therapy on my own, it's not in my contract that I have to go to therapy but they do expect I am in therapy

The other issue is that if I choose to get evaluated, they won't let me go on a family trip. It is abroad, so if the evaluator says I need treatment then I'd have to cancel. I'm willing to take that gamble just because I know they take forever to submit a report. But if they say I have to go to treatment, I'm not flying back early just to go. If I don't get the evaluation, then I can wait until I return to go to treatment. It doesn't make much sense, but from what I learned in group it sounds like the evaluator will likely label me as having an SUD. 

 People with a DUI are forced into AA if they are alcoholics or not, I'm really no different. The meetings are easy. Open meetings are for anyone.

One time use of a medication in a suicide attempt doesn't make you an addict. You already have a monitoring agreement.  If you want to know for yourself find someone who is rational and reasonable not someone related to the monitoring agreement. 

Does your therapist know you are considering doing a monitoring agreement just so you don't have to feel bad about any impact it may have on your parents? 

I know I'm miserable with a monitoring agreement.  My family supports me but thinks its ridiculous that I was diagnosed with a substance use disorder and have a monitoring agreement.  It feels wrong that I'm just doing this for money. But you have to do what's right for you. I would love to give my license up and walk away but  the money is too good. 

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I don't understand the dilute urine etg tests since they are all sent to a lab.   The lab can correct for BUN/creatinine no matter how dilute the urine is, therefore it doesn't come back as dilute.   Am I wrong?   That's what my monitoring agency said - no way to "cheat urine etg" other than just time. 

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