How should I open my Nursing school essay?

[chantie19]

hi all,

i've been lurking for a bit on the boards and have gotten some pretty good advice on writing an essay for my nursing application. so now that it's been written i'm wondering if the opening paragraph is too bland or if it should be switched to more of a personal narrative.

here is it how i'ts written so far for my 4 page "traditional essay"

the excitement i hold in the thought of saying "i am going to nursing school" is beyond measure. nursing is such an esteemed health care profession that i know with an education from virginia commonwealth university i will excel in greatly. my decision to attend virginia commonwealth university relies heavily on the school's dedication to community programs, its position on research and imparting knowledge to its students. coupled with my compassion, strength and resiliency, a bachelors degree in nursing from vcu will solidify the beginning of a remarkable journey throughout my nursing career.

here it is from my personal narrative that's in my application packet:

"keep pedaling!" is what i yell sundays while cheering on my son, as he races around the bmx track. when i am not cheering, i am on a 20" cruiser myself riding the track. my love of bmx happened on a whim a few years ago. within minutes of watching i was hooked! the physical intensity of using my body to race over bumps and through the turns is like no other. just as exciting as riding is seeing my son working hard and crossing the finish line first, because he did not give up. as a bmx mom i use that as a motto "never give up," to provide constant reinforcement for our love of life-long learning, whether on track sundays or throughout the week when i put our bikes away and become a homeschool mom.

so i'm tryin to have my app of course stand out, but i don't want to come across as not too serious, and lackign personality, but also nott too much personality and not serious enough. any advice will be ever so greatly appreciated!

-chantal, spring 2011 nursing hopeful

[JuanabePHNurse]

Hey Chantal,

I am applying to the same program - best of luck to the both of us ^_^

Although I think it is great that you mentioned VCU immediately in the first intro, I was really hooked by the second intro. If you can somehow tie the BMX example to VCU and nursing throughout the personal statement (as well as the end), then I say go for it. Coming from a public health background I, myself, was considering using a statistic from the CDC to begin my personal statement - but I went another route. Remember, the personal statement can be the opportunity for you to show the committee how dynamic you are.

What other schools did you apply to?

Take care!

[NP Sam]

The first paragraph has to grab the reader. You have to make them want to pass your essay around the room. Keep the first sentence and then find some way to equate the BMX experience with nursing. I think the first paragraph should talk about you and why specifically you want to be a nurse. Have professors or professional people read your essay. The greatest piece of advice I have gotten about nursing school essays is that they should want to vote you for president.

Good luck on applying!

[campton]

I would love to hear if everything turned out well and how you adjusted your statement!