Help! This nurse is trying to eat me!

[maestrotee]

Okay, the title might be a little misleading (and I'm sure it will probably be renamed by the administrators :icon_roll) but, if it is true that some nurses eat their young, then I might have a pretty good example here. Any advice would be helpful. I just got my license this morning (Yay!) but have been working for several weeks at a small LTC facility just following people around and getting oriented. There's this one nurse that we will just call Satan so that we might protect her identity , and she has been rude and demeaning to me since I started. In our textbooks, she is called a 'toxic mentor'. I'm sure these people are everywhere. There have been other nurses that have opened their lives and hearts to me and really showed me what the people mean to them in the scope of their jobs but this one acts as if what she does is top secret and I can't have any part of it. I asked her a general policy question the other day when a particular patient was reporting severe pain for several days due to a UTI from a urinary catheter that he kept pulling on in tears. She answered with a very quick and abrupt "He's just fine" and looked down at me with a very condescending stare. I immediately asked if I had done something wrong (trying to take a peace-making approach) and she said "No, but neither have I" implying that I was questioning her judgment. I almost told her to take that guilt to a priest where it belongs cause I never said she did do anything wrong. I'm not sure what the issue is specifically, but everything I say, she will counter with a statement that feels like she is trying to one-up me, or put me in my place. I know that I don't know as much as she does (even though I am her senior by several years I'm sure) but I don't know how to confront this attitude. I know that there will be a time in the very near future that I will have to seriously struggle to remain respectful to her. I have a great relationship with the rest of the staff in the facility and I am afraid that if we don't end up getting along that she could make my time there very difficult since she is pretty tightly networked. What a silly way to treat new nurses! As a nurse, about half or more of our job is teaching (or that's what it seems to me at this stage) and what could be more exciting than being a mentor/teacher to the brand new? Any advice out there?

[RiverNurse]

You know, my manager and I were talking about 'satanic influences' today - must be a theme... :-D

I could address 'Satan's' attitude, but instead, I think I would like to look at yours instead. You have a wonderful wit - one that - alas - I will probably never possess and one that many could only envy. I also see in your post that (unlike me at this point) you are able to maintain a level of confidence without being overbearing. You also seem to possess the ability to analyze situations and try different tactics to attain positive outcomes.

My "advice":

You already have one skill that might very well take you a long way with this - your wit and humor. Her lack of confidence could have come from any number of places - but definitely not from you... Personally, I like the "take it to the priest" comment...

Pax Tecum/Vobiscum,

Shawna

[maestrotee]

Shawna, your comments were so encouraging that I don't really know how to respond. Thank you. I am fairly certain that I will handle this situation with integrity, but I certainly will never be that person to anyone in the position that I am in now. In retrospect, I feel like I have learned just as much from people that I don't want to emulate as I have those that I do. Maybe I could just encourage all of you very wonderful seasoned professionals out there from a 'newbie' here to nurture the young. There will be plenty of hard knocks out there in the general daily responsibilities that we carry out I'm sure; I would just rather that they not come from my colleagues. On top of all that, I am a 38-year old with 12 years of supervisory experience running an adolescent residential unit at a Psych hospital (and was also very close to the nursing staff) with a wife and 3 year old that I absolutely adore. It's been a long time since I felt like I was treated like a child. Overall, I am very excited about this new chapter in my life and I definitely appreciate your kind words.

Tim

[RiverNurse]

Hi Tim,

I wanted to thank you for your response. I, too, get discouraged - I'm a new nursing grad myself, recently out of orientation and feel at times burned out, "consumed" by other nurses, not to mention doctors and family members at times.

LOL - if you take a look at my recent posts, you will see what a whiner I am... hahaha... this is a good place to vent and a good place for me to find my way back when the going gets tough.

Take care and all the best to you in your career and with your family.

Shawna

[luv2yoga]

Tim, I can really relate to your situation. I too am an older 2nd-career nurse and had an experience with another nurse trying to "eat" me. Every time I gave her report, she found many little things to dress me down about. What I did, which worked for me, was I killed her with kindness. I realized that she actually was a very skilled nurse and knew a lot, so I told her that, and told her that I found her to be very thorough. I also took all of her criticisms with an attitude of learning -- sometimes I was a little frustrated because she expected me to know things already -- but I did not get short with her. Now she is wonderful to me, actually treats me like a friend and asks how I'm getting along.

I don't know if this approach would work for you, but it did for me. Other nurses observed her interactions with me and told me that she does this to all newbies and advised me to "stand up to her". I didn't take that approach and now I'm glad I listened to myself. Good luck to you.

[Tweety, BSN, RN]

There's a book you should read "Crucial Confrontations" that might give you some insight on how to handle this person.

I would for the most part not use her for a mentor or ask her questions, unless you have to. Don't have any expectations of her, and don't try to figure her out. If ever her treatment of you is unprofessional and unacceptable you can deal with that constructively. Otherwise let her stick her nose up in the air, but one day she'll realize no matter how far her nose goes up, she still stinks.

You're respect needs to be earned. You don't have to respect her.

(No I'm not going to change the title of your thread. I'm glad you're acknowledging that nurses in general are good to you and it's just this one satan that's trying to eat you. wink)

[mom2michael, MSN, RN, NP]

When I first started as an RN in my little baby ER I worked with Satan's sister. She was horrible to me. Everything I did she was critical of, anything I tried to do, she shot me down. She was forever running into my room to take over my patients because it was obvious to her, I was an idiot. It was great. What made it such good times for me....she was the ONLY nurse I had to work with so there was no getting away from her. We had an upheaval of management, so I had no one to turn to either.

So one day I just walked up to her and I said...Satan's sister...I respect your 4 million years of experience as an RN. You are obviously the world's best nurse and I believe a medal or a statue or something needs to be done in your honor. Since I want to grow up to be just like you (without the attitude) I would really like it if you would back off and just let me do my job, and please, cut the attitude with me because it's very old after awhile. When I need help, and I will because I'm a brand new baby nurse, I will come to you and you can guide me with all your wisdom but until then.....back off and let me try and for the love of God, get rid of the attitude because it really doesn't help my confidence level one bit.

We were fine after that.

[S.N. Visit, BSN, RN]

I respect your 4 million years of experience as an RN. You are obviously the world's best nurse and I believe a medal or a statue or something needs to be done in your honor.

That made me smile real big! haha

[maestrotee]

There's a book you should read "Crucial Confrontations" that might give you some insight on how to handle this person.

Thanks for the suggestion! I am going to pick that up this week. I love to read, and constructive interactions to add to my 'tool kit' for these situations are always welcome. That's what I love about this message board ... great insight from experienced professionals. Thanks again!

Tim

[Kendra87]

Lol, you sold me on the "take it to the priest" comment. My two cents... sometimes people who've been through a lot in their lives tend to become emotionally disconnected. They become harsh and hardended to the rest of the world. Who knows what her life couod be like outside of those four walls? Another one of her problems may just be that she feels as though she's the HBIC. As if her seniority over you is an excuse to disrespect and reprimand you. Who knows? There's just too much going on and too much to do to investigate. I say the next time you have a question, approach someone else. She's just not worth the effort.

[Daytonite, BSN, RN]

Stay away from this nurse as much as you can. Do not ask her questions. Do not talk to her any more than is necessary. She is not going to get any better of an attitude toward you, so don't even expect it. You stay in your corner and she'll stay in hers. If you try to get anything out of her, she'll bite you.

[lauramae18]

I had that problem. I stood up for myself and said something to the effect of "Hey,How about you teach me instead of beat me up? I'm not going to be able to move fast if I am bruised" I use humor alot. The person that gave me the hardest time is now one of the ones I get along the best with. I think sometimes they view us as our chronological age (older! ) and not our nursing age and don't think of our lack of experience.