Help! So Depressed...

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Specializes in Med/Surg, Tele, Dialysis, Hospice.

I am almost fifty years old and I have never been depressed in my life. However, tonight as I sit typing this, I feel like I'm trapped in a tiny black box and there's no hope of getting out.

I have been an RN for 25 years. I have worked in inpatient hospital nursing, hospice nursing, dialysis nursing, and LTC nursing. When I was a younger nurse I managed to stay at the same job for at least 3-5 years. However, over the past five years, I have had five (yes, FIVE!! :( ) different jobs, always hoping that the next one will be THE one, the one that I can stick with and actually be able to stand to go to work. However, I just started a new hospice CM job thinking that it would be great, and here I am, out in the field on my own after less than three weeks of orientation. I was asked to do an admission tonight, something that I have never done and is unbelievably long and complicated, on a patient in a LTC facility. I did what I could at the facility, but I cannot finish the rest at home because I have never been trained to do it!!!!

Talk about ruining a weekend. I'm also at a point in my life where I want to either cut back my hours in nursing to no more than 30 a week, or, in my wildest dreams, just get out of nursing altogether, which can't happen because basically, I'm not trained to do anything else and would have to settle for making a fraction of what I do now, which would be perfectly okay with me, but would be hard for us to pay our bills on.

Does anyone have any suggestions at all? I feel so depressed and trapped, and I can't switch jobs AGAIN, so here I sit, trapped, poorly trained, and ready to have a nervous breakdown. My husband just doesn't really get it, I can tell, I don't feel like I can talk to anyone else because I just look like the big loser who can't stay at a job. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am going to have to take something to help me sleep tonight, probably just Nyquil or Benadryl, since I hate and despise any kind of opioid or mood altering drug, and this makes me both scared and furious that I am in a position that I can't even sleep because of the stress.

Does anyone have anything to offer me? Advice, common experience that you persevered and got through...anything???!!!!

This is such an awful feeling...

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Specializes in Nephrology.

I am not been a nurse for a long time yet but I know every new field or area of nursing is different and you really gotta learn something new and it really takes time to be comfortable in different areas. Even thugh your old and have a lot of experience as a nurse it doesnt mean that your suppose to know everything.. it takes time so dont be rough on yourself. Think of it that your a new nurse and learning new stuff.

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Specializes in Case mgmt., rehab, (CRRN), LTC & psych.

Okay...relax. Here's a hug from me to you (((((hug))))).

My advice is to seek professional help. I've struggled with depression throughout my adult life, and I can tell you that even the smallest tasks seem insurmountable and more difficult than they actually are when a person is depressed. Depression has a way of lying to you to distort your reality. Seek help ASAP.

Good luck to you!

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I am a hospice CM and I would like to share some of my experience with the start of this position.

When I started I was sure that it would be like any other job I had done and that orientation would be quick with me going on my own after few weeks. Turned out that you have to invest a lot of time up front in order to learn everything you have to learn and yes, I also felt overwhelmed at times.

I was making visits, like you, after a few weeks and the computer work was not easy. I also have palliative patients and had to learn Oasis. The start with it was rough and I struggled through it for a while utilizing all support I could get.

It gets easier after you have learned the basics - it is a speciality with a lot to learn ! Being alone is not for everybody but here are some tips on how to get support and perhaps there is something you can use:

1. Go back to the office to write your notes or do admission paperwork if any possible, so you have support from the manager or other people. Working from home in the beginning does not work out well.

2. Try to do admissions as early in the morning as you can so you can return to the office to at least put in the data where you have most trouble with until you are proficient with it.

3. Go to the nurse educator (hopefully there is one) and share your struggles, the educator might be able to sit next to you and help you with computer stuff.

4. Make friends with experienced nurses - the most important one! Get a list with phone numbers and put them in your phone. That way you can call somebody if you are in the home and you do not know what to do or get stuck. Perhaps your mentor is great and you could utilize her. I found that this has been very helpful to me - sometimes there is something I have not done in a long time or I need feedback - make friends and ask!!

5. Use the manager. They usually worked int he field at some point, are familiar with the computer and other struggles.Talk to the manager and let them know you are struggling with certain things and need to do admissions early so that you can sit down in the office to do the computer work and have back up help.

6. Make friends with the liaison nurse if you have one in the office - they know a lot about the admission process and have great knowledge in general - reach out to that nurse if it is a possibility.

7. If you are clinically depressed reach out to a health professional for help. The more depressed you are the less hopeful you will be and the harder it will be to do this job. It is a lot of stress in the beginning and depression makes people less able of handling stress. Feelings of overwhelm can set in and make it hard to get going.

8. Boundaries -- if you are getting paid for a certain amount of time make sure that you have enough time in the beginning to do admissions. When I started I did one admission and it took me the whole day - I am not joking - because of the computer work. In a facility it takes longer anyways because you also have to do the chart review, write recommendations, order equipment, meet with relatives and so on. Make sure your educator and your manager take into consideration you are new and give you enough time. Again - starting rather early in the morning is better because you will have more support as opposed to afternoon when people go home and the office is deserted.

I hope that there is something you can use. Being overwhelmed is totally normal in this job in the beginning. Coping with it can be a struggle but can be done. It all pays off once you are up and running.

If hospice CM is truly not for you and you feel trapped you can of course apply for other positions. Perhaps just applying at least at one place can help you not to feel trapped !

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First, I hope you are feeling better today...second, I assure you, your job hopping over the past 5 years is not unusual and I too have held many, too many, jobs in the past 5 years much for the same reasons you have.

Now..I strongly encourage you to seek help for the depression you are experiencing. That should be first.

As far as your job, if you have not spoken to your supervisor about not feeling adequately oriented, you need to, especially within the hospice setting - for your sake & the sake of your patients & their families.

Getting out of nursing, or direct nursing, takes time but can be done. I moved away from the bedside & into a management position - it's not perfect but it pays the bills & for the most part I can manage it. For how long? I don't know. I long gave up being one of those employees who stays for years somewhere & no longer compare myself to people like that - it just isn't who I am or will ever be -

Take care of yourself, get yourself some help - I KNOW that is easier said than done. {{hugs}}

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Specializes in Oncology; medical specialty website.
I am not been a nurse for a long time yet but I know every new field or area of nursing is different and you really gotta learn something new and it really takes time to be comfortable in different areas. Even thugh your old and have a lot of experience as a nurse it doesnt mean that your suppose to know everything.. it takes time so dont be rough on yourself. Think of it that your a new nurse and learning new stuff.

​Way to kick a lady when she's down.

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Specializes in Oncology; medical specialty website.

I would also suggest joining the Hospice and Palliative Nurses Association. You may be able to network with other hospice nurses who are doing the same sort of work you're doing.

HPNA.org

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jayjaybsnrn needs to learn correct grammar and spelling before doling out any advice.......wouldn't place much stock in anything someone like this posts.

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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

Although we cannot offer medical advice, your stress level sounds like it's climbing the charts and you really should consider seeing a mental health provider. I know you don't want to take medications, but they can work miracles even if used for only a short time to get "over the hump". Plus, there are non-pharmaceutical ways to combat depression; one of the things that helps me is to allow myself to feel bad for a set amount of time---I can cry, pound pillows, curse, anything that's non-destructive---and then when that time is up, I STOP and go do something else. It doesn't always work, but it's worth a try.

FWIW, I held 3 different jobs in the space of a year. Part of it was due to my head not being screwed on right, but part of it was due to my need to get out of nursing anyway. I'm 55 and not in the best of shape either physically or mentally, and I pretty much limped through the last 2 years I was a nurse. It happens. I don't know if you're at that point yet, or if it's just that the "right" job hasn't come along yet. Mine did, but I lost it after 2 1/2 years because I was ill and couldn't take the stress anymore. I wish better for you.

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