Nursing & Depression - page 36

While visiting in the lounge one day, we discovered that every nurse there was on an anti-depressant. I have had 'Treatment Resistant Depression' for about 20 years--as long as I've been a nurse. ... Read More

  1. by   sphinx
    Youda, (I want to mention, I responded to your post, and you must have edited yours while I was typing to inlude the last bit about it not being directed at anyone in particular and getting our panties in a twist....thus if any part of this seems like my panties are twisted, just sit back and realize I did sort of think it was directed at me, but also just that I was merely clarifyling my position. That's all. I hate when my panties get twisted! haha )

    I don't blame Mario, or anyone else who has ever gotten under my skin in the past, for my anger or any other feelings I have. I own my own feelings. Years ago, I didn't realize this, but years of therapy has showed me that my feelings are my own, and good or bad, nobody makes me feel one way or another.

    I know this now, and I know that once something gets me going, that I can't stop easily, so I have found that the best thing for me is to ignore. There have been times where I have ignored (killfiled) someone for a limited period of time, until I have calmed down, and then taken them off my killfile, and everything has been ok. I just need time.

    As for examining "why" someone bothers me, during the "ignoring" stage, I usually do just that! The guy that I left ASD over, bothered me because he was constantly baiting people, as if he got a rise out of seeing if he could rile people up. Every other post of his referred to his "thingie" (his term), and he would bombard the group with hundreds of posts daily. Most of his posts got several responses. His posts were never serious, always some inane topic, but a lot of people liked the diversion, which is problem with that. But if he had a post that didn't get a reply, he'd post several others to the effect of "no one replied to me". For over a year, I just laughed him off and didn't read much of what he wrote. Then he responded t a thread of mine, which was a serious thread, with a flip reply. I responded calmy, and he just turned mean, saying why don't you just killfile me. So I did. Then he made it a game, every day he changed his profile just a little bit, so he'd slip by the killfile, He baited me on and on, until he finally made it imposible to block him at all, and gloated to me endlessly. So I left.

    Now, with Mario, he is NOTHING like that guy was. I read his posts, didn't always agree with him, didn't always disagree. I remember exactly what he said that ticked me off. It was a comment to the effect of "you are not really depressed, you just don't know it". I know exactly what bothered me about that. Whether he was being flip or serious, I found it to be an insensitive comment. He has never experienced the feelings we have, and for him to say that, just made me see red. I thought to myself "he may be just joking, calm down", but my black or white thinking took over, and from that point on, everything he wrote I painted in my mind's eye as black. I might not always feel that way, but right now I do.

    This may not be everyone's idea of a healthy way of coping, but it is what works for me now. I am lightyears ahead of where I was. I hate being involved in flame wars, and when I find myself drawn into one, I do what I must to get myself out. Once I am out, *then* I can take a look at the whys. But if I don't take a step back, I get hopelessly sucked in, and a part of me I really dislike comes out. I don't like her. She is unreasonable. Irrational. She is the angry me. I'd rather step back and deal with my anger calmy than battle it out over some small point with a stranger over the internet.

    I hope this makes more sense. I tried to say that before, but maybe I came accross wrong. I don't blame Mario. I have to stay away from him, not just for my sake, but for his, and for everyone elses! He is just a regular guy, and I don't really know him at all. But the fact is, something he said bothered me, and until I get over that, I won't be able to relate well in his presence. It's like a at party. you don't have to mingle with all the guests, but can still enjoy the party. So I feel I can still get what I need out of this thread if I "ignore" him. That way, I don't have to leave a thread that has helped me so much. And he doesn't have to leave either. After all, depressed or not, he is a member at allnurses and has just as much a right to be in this thread as anyone else. Besides...the ignore feature gives you the option of seeing that person's post if you wish. If I ever feel I want to check and see if I can read what he writes, and perhaps find out I am over my little hissy, I can unignore and move on.
    Last edit by sphinx on Dec 14, '02
  2. by   sphinx
    OK, duh, you got me. I realized just this conversation is making me tense. I'm getting to defensive. I apologize. I'll go take a chill, I think and come back when I'm more sane. (maybe even put some hoilday cheer up!!!!!)
  3. by   micro

    I have been away, and maybe no right here, do I have to say,
    maybe I should go back and read previous pages....
    or maybe not.....

    as anger and flames, I don't got.....

    but what I see is adults acting _______, _________, and _________ ........or maybe that is just me.....
    and as you know micro doesn't know what she is talking about.......
    so care or not.....that is just micro me.........
    what another person thinks, types, says or feels is only a problem to me if I let it be.......
    and if I agree with what is said, then it is another walker in this life that I have found to share this walk with, my friends.....
    but I am only just beginning to learn, and maybe just maybe this time, I will retain, some of the wisdom that have been so freely given to me.........
    or I can keep on with the blame.........of others and not look at me.........
    oh, my I am afraid I have said too much already, so quit, I better do very quickly!!!!!!!!!

    but to borrow a couple phrases from some friends of mine.....and my own.......

    do what you must do to be healthy and free

    doo waah ditty'

    and seagulls do fly and are indeed free'

    love to all and more to some
    especially me'


    prozac, lots of fluid, sleep, eat right, exercise, seagulls and one day at a time = whatever it takes to keep your right mind.....or maybe it is just me.........
    please noone take offense from micro, I am just being me':stone
    Last edit by micro on Dec 15, '02
  4. by   Youda
    You are always, always welcome on this thread, micro. Glad you checked in, and reminded us to be gentle with ourselves, and each other! :kiss
  5. by   mario_ragucci
    Hey - before I read everyones post, I ws out drinking last night for the first time since last spring. A nurse from work took me out and we partied hard and I drank about 2.5 L of beer, and then came home and got online and said something stupid about communism as a shock statement. I was drunk, and it was the first and only time I will ever get online when I have drunk. i am sorry cargal, because I ws just drunk and said the stupidest thing I could possibly say. Mario got online drunk, went to allnurses, read something about ignoring, and posted the stupidest thing he could think of saying; It was wrong, and I hope everyone can forgive me. I'm ashamed, and I will never do that again.
    I will never go on line drunk again. it was a celebration for a winter quarter well done. I said stupidest thing, no sense at all. I swear to to never, ever come on line after drinking again. Please forgive me.
  6. by   sphinx
    micro...of course you have "right" to be here! everyone does! Heck, I been missin' ya! wondered how you were! Glad to see you poke your head in.

    Heather, still working on Christmas cheer, oh and lots of back paperwork, too.
  7. by   micro
    dontcha all worry about.........

    micro's holiday caroling again.........
    that's enough of that.........

    I think too much, I must stop......stop.......aaarrrgggh!!!!!

    be well all,

    micro is just me'
  8. by   abrenrn
    I'm falling in love --- with this thread.

    Mario - poor, Mario, all this stuff directed at you, but I think we are doing what you ask. True, bad idea to get on drunk but many of us agreed with you. Then you went and deleted that cool posting - were you hungover? Sometimes it is a good idea to not do things when you are hung over as well. I speak only from experience.

    Sphinx, micro, everyone else - I hear me when I hear you. Sometimes it's the me from yesterday, sometimes it's the me from today. But, I hear me. I suspect I hear me even more in Mario which is why I have reacted.

    Youda always seems one step ahead of me.

    Sphinx - as I read the post you thought was directed at you, I started thinking, "she's talking about me."

    But, one thing I think I've learned - and I may be wrong - with all this acceptance and understanding there are still sometimes when someone steps on my toes. It is my responsibilbity to myself to tell those people to step off.

    When I was depressed, I could never do it. I may be overcompensating these days but I think I may be headed in the right direction.

    Thanks to you all for being such good teachers. Or angels. Either word fits.
    Last edit by abrenrn on Dec 15, '02
  9. by   Youda
    I agree, Anne. This is a cool thread. I missed a couple of days, so I had to go back and read everyone's posts since my last post. I see everyone sharing, being open, and mindful of each others' feelings! I love you all! You make my heart glad.

    sphinx, I do the same thing. I usually have to go away (you call it ignore) for a little while to understand what I'm feeling, to decide why I'm feeling it, and what I want to do about it, if anything. I don't have the "automatic transmission" in my head. I have to do it all manually, so to speak.

    I think that guy was baiting you because YOU were pushing HIS buttons! It sounds like being ignored is HIS problem, so when you ignored him, he had to keep acting out until he got a response. He needs the spanking he should have gotten as a kid!

    So much to say and tell you all. Anne said it best, when you talk it is me talking, too. Tonight I am tired, but I wanted to tell you all thanks. Your words, everyone of them, every post, has helped me in someway.
  10. by   mario_ragucci
    I deleted it because of fear. Soviet Union and Communism are considered "badspeak." this thread is about depression and nursing, and no place to jeer anyone with a "off-color" remark. I ignored myself, just to demonstrate how ignoring and deletion are different. You might can ignore something in your mind, but some things can not be deleted. I can create, ignore and destroy, see? You can too. BB day order doubleplusungood.
  11. by   sphinx
    Well, all I know is that the internet is an easy place to get your buttons pushed/push someone elses buttons. You miss a lot without the face to face contact and visual.verbal cues. Yet in my case, if this were not the internet, I'd not be having these conversations at all. You all have been very helpful to me, your words have meaning and make me think.
    Hope it's a happy week for everyone. I *still* haven't done my Christmas shopping, and we should be decorating our tree tonight or tomorrow (finally picked it out yesterday). Phew, maybe that will help!!
    *big sigh*
  12. by   abrenrn
    Have fun Christmas shopping! I usually enjoy that. It's funny though. I'm pretty sure that my depression has "lifted" thanks to several things. As a result, my family has gotten very upset with me. They know something is wrong - I'm different than I once was.

    They don't like it when I respond - "Well, once I was suicidally depressed and you didn't think there was anything wrong. Is that what you prefer?"

    They tell me I'm picking fights. When they tell me they like me better suicidally depressed, I wonder.

    Oh well. Less presents to buy.

    BTW. I've read George Orwell, I think double-speak is not a good language. I've also read parts of Alice through the Looking Glass. The Queen of Hearts thought words should mean whatever she wanted them to. I read it a long time ago (around the same time as 1984) but as I remember, Alice thought that was a strange way to communicate. I do too.
  13. by   mario_ragucci
    Lol, what would Orwell say about a society that constantly tells you to buy cars and cell phones? Strange days indeed - most peculiar, mama. But there are depressed people now. Feel depressed and don't worry about it. i don't know what to say (scared)