Having trouble staying on point

TXRN2 · Jul 16, 2013

i'm sorry... but are you kidding me?? evidently you are fortunate enough to have a job while in a program, close to finishing up- & you're whining about the dullness, boredom of it all?? there are so many people on this forum who can't find a job that meets the requirement of their program, & are losing everything, & you are "bored". i'm not even in a program anymore, & i'm sure there are many on here who would like to tell you to get over it. just sayin'.

Umberlee · Jul 16, 2013

No no no, that's not what I'm saying at all, and nowhere did I say, as you for some reason quoted, that I was "bored" or anything about the dullness of it all.

I have taken my lumps at start-up and gone through the agony of job-searches, scraping by financially without a nursing job, advertising myself out to do housekeeping so I could feed my family, being turned down for employment because of being on a contract (again and again and again), and what's more I live in a small community so everywhere I go there is someone who knows something about my "problem." For what it's worth I WAS fired, I basically lost all my job history as it was my only place of employment for 12 years, and I have had to start over from scratch with my career and my finances so please don't peg me as some privileged whiner who can't relate to the real hardships of being in a monitoring program and is just crying about having things too good. Okay?

On this board I see a lot of people struggling with the initial shock of being contracted but don't see much of the burnout that accompanies being stuck in a rut of doing the same thing for week after week, month after month, year after year, to prove your safety in practice to the powers that be. That is what I'm struggling with. We're all in different points in our recovery and in our contracts so I just thought I'd see if anyone else is feeling the fatigue of being contracted long-term. I can see how that could rub someone in early monitoring the wrong way, but that certainly wasn't my intent. I'm just searching for some common ground.

HunnieBadger · Jul 17, 2013

I understand where you're coming from! I'm new to my contract-March of this year-but I do find myself getting off track with calling and such. Not that I've missed a day thanks to multiple alarms. But we went in a short vacation, and while gone it was nice to be without the tether so to speak. Almost like I was back to my normal life, without any mistakes! I make my meetings, check in for screens, do therapy...the list goes on! Yes I do feel fatigued with all of it, it's like a job on top of nursing and being a student as well. I am grateful for the program and my sobriety, please don't get me wring, I'm no complacent at all. Just burnt out and ready for time to fly! Hang in there Umber, you're almost there!!

catmom1, BSN, RN · Jul 17, 2013

I toed the line for over 6 years--observed urine screens at $77 a pop and on and on and haven't had a nursing job since 2010. My license has no discipline now but the history, the "mark," I guess, is keeping me from getting one of the very few nursing jobs in my area. My sentence was for 5 years of probation but it dragged on for over 6 because I couldn't find a nursing job after becoming unemployed in 2010.

It seems like I have been discarded by nursing even though I admitted my crime and served my sentence...and then some.

I cannot in my wildest dreams IMAGINE forgetting to submit paperwork I was so scared of screwing up (for all the good it did me). In my case, I would have to be impaired to miss any requirement that was presented to me.

I wonder if I will ever be able to forgive myself for my addictive transgressions if I am never able to get a nursing job. It is hard for me to keep the rejection of others from becoming my rejection of myself.

I have been completely clean and sober since Dec 2004 and I wonder sometimes if it has been worth it (at least as far as employment goes). If anyone who has a nursing job whines, they have no idea what they are talking about. Period.

Catmom :paw:

Umberlee · Jul 17, 2013

The thing I mostly have trouble with is keeping up with the requirements that seem completely arbitrary or ones that are out of my control. The calling in on weekends, for example, when I know I'm not going to have to test. Chasing down my nearly invisible supervisors every month and hounding them to fax in my schedule. Remember that I have to hassle my "sponsor" in advance again for my monthly reports. Yes, I am complaining about the never-ending stream of boxes I have to remember to check over and over and over and over. If that seems petty, just humor me please, because this is what I am currently struggling with. I didn't realize that it would ruffle people's feathers just because I don't have it "as bad" as someone else. Hey, someone will always have it worse. I would hope we wouldn't have to walk on eggshells in this forum and can be a support for one another no matter what phase of monitoring we are in.

Catmom, nursing is an army that shoots its wounded. I hope there is some way in your community that you can network with other nurses in recovery and find out what places, if any, are program-friendly. When I first began monitoring, my peer group had bi-monthly meetings in which we medical professionals got together and were able to just vent about the program, network, and meet other professionals like ourselves. I can't even convey how invaluable that was. Most importantly, I wouldn't have heard from other nurses which workplaces to avoid and which places to seek employment. They got rid of these meetings just months after I joined but thankfully I had already reaped a great benefit from them. It breaks my heart to think of nurses not having the opportunity to meet up with others within their monitoring program. We still have quarterly meetings but they're very structured--more like taking a class and with much less mingling and getting to know one another. I may be just daydreaming here because after six years I'm sure you've explored every avenue possible to get your career back on track. I guess I'll stop rambling and just say that I hope the universe opens up for you and most of all I hope you don't lose hope. For what it's worth as someone who has no idea what they are talking about best of luck to you.

poppycat, ADN, BSN · Jul 17, 2013

This reminds me a lot of people I hear in meetings talking about how strong their recovery is & they don't think they need meetings any more. Those are usually the people who need meetings the most. Whenever I start to feel that I can skip meetings, I stop & take a look at what my real motivation is. Usually it's just plain laziness on my part. I've been sober almost 25 years & still attend 3-4 meetings a week. I go not because I have a drinking problem any longer but because I will probably always have a thinking problem. If I don't go to meetings, I tend to get a little squirrelly because I sit in my own thoughts.

TXRN2 · Jul 17, 2013

@ Umberlee:: sorry if i over-reacted a bit. i understand now where you're coming from- & the road you've been down. & in retrospect, i also became tired of the trudgery towards the end. you certainly didn't ruffle my feathers- i was thinking of what others might think- those who are currently in the midst of losing so much. i was way too paranoid to miss any deadlines, or be late, or miss a call-in- but i do understand how very tedious it gets!! just make sure you don't screw up & get into trouble with your program!! remember- it will be over soon!!

celesteanne · Jul 17, 2013

Congrats on nearing the end. It will be nice when I can see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm new to this forum, but I've been in my program for 2.5 years and clean 3.5. I still have two years to go and probably longer if I cannot find work soon. I'm one of those who has lost everything. Losing my job was devastating because along with it went everything else. The retirement plan, the IRA, the house, the good credit rating. It's all gone. Yet I am grateful for the second chance this program has given me. It is the lifeline I cling to so that I can one day get my life back and maybe some of what I have lost. However, I do understand how you could just be so very tired of it all towards the end. I wish they had a better transition period. One where fewer meetings, fewer UAs, fewer demands were expected. It would ease the entry back into life post-program. Good luck to you. Just keep setting your alarms. That's what I have to do.

astanton10 · Jul 18, 2013

I am in a monitoring program in WI and got a new monitor/case manager last fall. I started in May 2009 and am grateful to have had a steady job ever since. However, apparently my new monitor informed me that I wasn't submitting 2 forms that they require for the past four years AND that the ones I was submitting were being submitted too early. She also informed me of discrepanies in call-ins, missed screens, and unscheduled tests that were showing on her reports. She seemed to be working with me to help me get into compliance since April. Then I came home from being out of town to a notice that she lifted the stay on my license suspension AND an article on page 2 in the local paper about what I originally lost my license for (including a paragraph about something that I didn't even do that was on the cover letter of my order back in 2009 that they told me was a typo and not to worry about it) and thatt I am suspended again for being out of compliance. Most of the community and few of my coworkers knew about my past prior to the article. I am working my 4th step and was writing about guilt/shame when the article was published. Long-story short I now have a lawyer and am standing up for myself and my recovery because I am doing all the right things. Apparently the Board is becoming more punitive and the monitor told me that I am starting my 5 year order over again and nothing I did in the past counts for anything. My recommendations to others is to get clean, go to meetings, start working the steps, keep track of things on your own, keep all your paperwork and double-check dates on all COC forms, check the lab reprts, and communicate with your monitor/case manager in written form only. I am grateful to have moved thru the guilt and shame and am feeling the freedom that comes along with "everyone knowing." Please hold on to hope, trust that everything (especially the "bad" stuff) happens for a reason, and stay clean no matter what!

TXRN2 · Jul 18, 2013

@ astanton: i'm so sorry this is happening to you- so unfair- good luck with your fight & keep that marvelous attitude!! please keep us posted!!

RNMSN51 · Jul 21, 2013

Umberlee, I guess I am too early in this process to appreciate your "rut" in being in a program. Actually, I would love to have that problem right now. I guess it is all relative. I am 3 months into TPAPN, will need to go trials of getting a job etc. congrats on getting this far.