Having SI in relation to new, stressful jobs: quitting nursing forever

[pinkdoves]

I have been working as an RN since August of 2019, and there has been a common theme: every time I switch to a new job, I have intense SI, anxiety, and depression. 

My first job with adults I couldn't even get out of bed. All I did was cry. I was being bullied at this job and was miserable. I quit after 2 months.

My second position I had SI, depressive thoughts, and anxiety (but more bearable than the first job's). I remember sitting in the parking lot just thinking SI things. But I got through it...I became higher up. started precepting people, felt like I fit in...I knew what I was doing. But even as a I was "higher up" sometimes I still began to be depressed before showing up to work. I was stressed out (not eating properly). I feel like I cannot take care of myself as a nurse.

My most recent position (within the same hospital as my second position) has me feeling INTENSE SI depressive thoughts, anxiety. Here I am on my day off right now writing this and having SI about nursing. My last shift I had so much anxiety I was just sitting there trying not to panic in public. I'm incredibly anxious and feel like everyone thinks I'm so dumb. my coworkers are somewhat willing to help me, but they're also kind of standoff-ish. I made a mistake my last shift and I can't stop thinking about it. I'm trying to make it at least 4 more months in this position (to make a total of 6 months at least) but I feel such an intense dread and anxiety. my chest kind of hurts while just writing about this I have that much anxiety.

I don't know what to do. I've never had a position outside of the hospital, but at this point I am so done with healthcare, rude families, getting yelled at...sometimes it's just too much. like once I was having SI and then I came to work and a patient's family started yelling at me. my mental health can't take this. I need to get out. I want to be happy.

I just feel stuck. I live in a city where I renewed my lease until November, but I really feel like I cannot last that long. I want to just escape to a different country where no one knows where I am. 

I am seriously almost 85% sure I am quitting the nursing field to pursue computer science. I think what I've learned from my experience is that I hate working in healthcare and I need a job where I can pee and people don't die. I don't want to watch babies die. I just want to be happy, but I have been severely depressed since I started working as a nurse. and as 2022 starts, I feel even more depressed that I still am a miserable nurse. I hate nursing. I need this to stop ruining my life, but I feel bad leaving my position earlier than 6 months. and also IDK what I want to do because to apply to computer science I need GRE scores, etc., that I do not have.I need to do something in the mean time... 

also, something I noticed a huge difference was my personality vs all my coworkers personalities. everyone else is very outgoing, organized, "type a" whereas I'm the opposite: I'm quiet, disorganized, "type b"...I genuinelly do not care about work anymore. I feel lazy to do the job sometimes bc I just don't want to do it. this personality difference makes me feel like nursing is not the career for me. I know I need a therapist (I'm working on that). I guess I'm writing this to see if anyone relates to me...or maybe I'm just too insane. whatever. I hate nursing.

[SNgirl21, BSN]

On 1/4/2022 at 12:17 AM, pinkdoves said:

I'm incredibly anxious and feel like everyone thinks I'm so dumb. my coworkers are somewhat willing to help me, but they're also kind of standoff-ish. I made a mistake my last shift and I can't stop thinking about it. I'm trying to make it at least 4 more months in this position (to make a total of 6 months at least) but I feel such an intense dread and anxiety. my chest kind of hurts while just writing about this I have that much anxiety.

I don't know what to do. I've never had a position outside of the hospital, but at this point I am so done with healthcare, rude families, getting yelled at...sometimes it's just too much. like once I was having SI and then I came to work and a patient's family started yelling at me. my mental health can't take this. I need to get out. I want to be happy.

I just feel stuck. I live in a city where I renewed my lease until November, but I really feel like I cannot last that long. I want to just escape to a different country where no one knows where I am. 

I am seriously almost 85% sure I am quitting the nursing field to pursue computer science. I think what I've learned from my experience is that I hate working in healthcare and I need a job where I can pee and people don't die. I don't want to watch babies die. I just want to be happy, but I have been severely depressed since I started working as a nurse. and as 2022 starts, I feel even more depressed that I still am a miserable nurse. I hate nursing. I need this to stop ruining my life, but I feel bad leaving my position earlier than 6 months. and also IDK what I want to do because to apply to computer science I need GRE scores, etc., that I do not have.I need to do something in the mean time... 

also, something I noticed a huge difference was my personality vs all my coworkers personalities. everyone else is very outgoing, organized, "type a" whereas I'm the opposite: I'm quiet, disorganized, "type b"...I genuinelly do not care about work anymore. I feel lazy to do the job sometimes bc I just don't want to do it. this personality difference makes me feel like nursing is not the career for me. I know I need a therapist (I'm working on that). I guess I'm writing this to see if anyone relates to me...or maybe I'm just too insane. whatever. I hate nursing.

Everything, please know you are not alone! As I'm reading this I'm lying in bed searching for answers myself or at least someone to relate to. I'm a new grad. I understand that feeling of making a mistake, feeling confused, afraid others are annoyed even if they are just stressed about something unrelated. I made a mistake my last shift too & it's haunting me. Literally I'm reading this and I want to give you a hug because I feel your words deeply. I struggle with anxiety, panic, depression, and ADHD. Depression is such a thief. Anxiety is a beast. The imposter syndrome, moral injury, and impossible standards set for us lead to greater odds of depression and unfortunately higher suicide rates too. Female nurses and physicians are statistically more likely to take our own lives. Please, if you are in immediate danger call 911 or a suicide line or go to the ER. You probably feel like nobody cares but please read the posts here & know lots of us want you on this Earth. Please, take care❤️Be gentle with yourself & give yourself the time & grace you need.

[Curious1alwys, BSN, RN]

Izzy21 said:

I spoke with my nurse manager, did not give too much information as to why I was resigning but just that I am going through a difficult time right now that requires I resign from my position effective immediately. He seemed very understanding. Sent off my resignation letter. Spoke with HR as well to see what other things I may need to send off if required. I guess the good thing about the system I worked for is they do not have a "do not rehire" penalty which is good in case anything ever changes for me in the future. At this point I can't even imagine ever going back, but who knows. Maybe not a hospital setting, but something different, less stressful. But at this point it is all stressful and nursing has just been too tarnished for me to even consider going back to any of it at this point. It is scary leaving like this without a clear path, but the only thing I know for sure at this point is I want to get better and I need to finally stop pushing for what other people want from me and focus on my health first so that's what I am going to do. Again, it is very scary, but I know I need to do this finally because it's pretty much just a breaking point and is now or never. And I also thank you for previously taking the time to post about your experience and struggles. It was so hard for me going through this for so long, and then going into nursing with this burden thinking or feeling like I was just so alone in any of this because there was no way any other nurse could ever feel like this or let it get to this point. I know the whole thing about new nurses having a hard time at first because of the shock of going from theory to practice, but once you've gone through it for some time and just hated it each time and get to this point, you begin to question everything and it seeps into other aspects of life that destroys all confidence. But again, just reading a few different people's experiences here has truly given me some strength to do what I needed to do finally. Thank you.

Read your post and relate to your experience.  How are you now and how did things turn out? 

[Izzy21]

I apologize for the very late response. I had to step away it felt like from most things, everything, for a while as I was trying to understand what was happening and why. I will do a full update but basically right now I take it day by day. Some days are good, others are bad still and some are really really bad. I have been out of the nursing field for I think about 2 years now (give or take a month or two). Initially I took the time off for me feeling just so burnt out and as my previous post stated depressed. I was also helping my bf with his mothers new cancer dx (more on this in my full update but part of what stressed me during my last job I think was going back and forth between MD and NJ to help with things; ironically the day we got the dx was also the day I received the job offer, literally we got the dx and maybe 2 minutes later I got a call with the offer and was so torn even at the beginning of what to do now due to the new dx and knowing the amount of time I would be spending in MD as well). Not too long after that unfortunately, within a year I think, my mother had a fall off a step ladder and broke her elbow, so then there was a lot of my time also going into helping there. And to top it all off within the last 6 months I think my dad also got a cancer dx. It's like every time one thing seemed to be settled another would arise. However my bf siblings and my sibling have stepped up a bit in helping to handle more in the loads, so that helps. I have been spending a majority of my time it feels in MD and I am about ready to make an official move soon. However I know I will have to start working again soon after the move at least and am a bit concerned about many things. Main concerns are how I will explain the 2 or almost 3 year lapse in my resume, how I should format that to not draw any red flags to potential employers and to still get a fair shot. I am concerned if I will even be able to get another nursing position with such a lapse in resume or if I have basically fully ended my nursing career. I am concerned that if I do go back to nursing will I be able to handle it or will the stress, anxiety, and depression seep back in and cause me to have to step away again. I am also concerned about the process of endorsing my nursing license from NJ to MD because honestly that can get very confusing sometimes especially with the whole of idea of compact states and whatnot. I feel myself filling with anxieties again over my potential worth in the field and what I will do. I am trying to keep positive but such a lapse worries me even though it was for legitimate reasons. My bf tries to assure me saying I have experience and that doesn't just go away, and he says I will be able to find a job still with nurses being such high demand but IDK. Anyways as I said full update will be posted but that's how I am doing: good and bad times, currently filling with fears and anxieties about my current situation. Hoping things will go better soon.