Having a hard time with death

Da_Milk_of_Amnesia, MSN · Sep 15, 2010

People die, it's the nature of our job. I've had many patients whom I've intubated and were talking to me coherently before we snowed them and they ended up dying. These things happen. How do you deal with it? There is no one way to deal with it and no ones way is better than the others. We all cope differently. Me personally, i have extremely thick skin and I' have almost 10 years of EMS experience, that prepared me for what I was oging to deal with as a RN and let me tell you, what I've witnessed in the field has been far more horrific to say the least. Im sorry your patients died but it seemed like it was quick and hopefully painless for her. Either way, you're gonna have to get some thicker skin and just find your own way to cope.

Davey Do · Sep 15, 2010

This has just kind of upset me because I kind of shrugged her off because she was so talkative and I had given her something to help her rest. I think in the end she was scared to go to sleep because she knew she wouldn't wake up, so she just talked and talked and talked!

bamagt:

I sense you're feeling bad about this situation because it was in your control to have closure and a so-called happy ending. It is natural to feel bad under these circumstances.

However, you did what you needed to do to help your patient rest and expended the amount of energy you felt necessary at the time.

This is a truth I have learned: We all do the best we can at any given time under the knowable conditions.

As you did. Had you known it was your patient was about ready to expire, I'm sure you would have spent more time with her. However, you didn't know, and just did what you needed to do. That's the reality of the situation.

So, bamagt, I'm telling you what I needed to hear under similar circumstances.

I also sense that you may be a sensitive person; a person struggling with some pain. To paraphrase Jung: Embrace your pain, for there your soul will grow.

The best to you.

Dave

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Sep 15, 2010

Hi, there. I'm assured that you did your best with this lady. Her final moments were made more comfortable because you happened to be her nurse.

Too frequently, death is viewed by society as an absolute failure when it is merely a natural part of the life cycle. Everyone is going to die because human life is temporal, not eternal. No person was intended to live forever. Don't feel bad.

By the way, I've gotta throw this in. This is the only horoscope in the world that has proven accuracy day after day, year after year, generation after generation...

Capricorn: you're gonna die.

Aquarius: you're gonna die.

Pisces: you're gonna die.

Aries: you're gonna die.

Taurus: you're gonna die.

Gemini: you're gonna die (twice, perhaps).

Cancer: you're gonna die.

Leo: you're gonna die.

Virgo: you're gonna die.

Libra: you're gonna die.

Scorpio: you're gonna die.

Sagittarius: you're gonna die.

diligent-trooper · Sep 15, 2010

I would recommend talking to your co-workers about what you have experienced. I believe you are having a normal reaction to a new event for you, since it is new. Know you are not alone!

PostOpPrincess, BSN, RN · Sep 15, 2010

Such is the "circle of life." Chalk it up to experience--if you can't handle it, you'd better get someone to help you handle it or you won't last.

leslie :-D · Sep 15, 2010

i'm sorry (on various levels, actually), but these types of deaths are the most ideal.

here you were, chatting away with your pt, you walk out, and she dies.

to me, it seems her death was quick and painless.

so, kudos to your pt, for escaping the oft-dreaded, lingering process of dying.

as for you, there was absolutely nothing you could have done, or should have done differently.

this will be a good time for you to explore your feelings of dying, death, afterlife/none, etc.

only when you become more comfortable with addressing your fears/concerns, will you be more comfortable with those you die.

be good to yourself during this time.

it'll be ok, i promise.:hug:

leslie

Vikingkitten · Sep 15, 2010

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. As one who's seen a lot of death-civilinan, military, in the field, in homes and hospitals; and I can say that you are very normal. It never gets any easier, no matter the circumstances nor the frrequency. I'll echo what some of the previous posts have said: talk to your co-workers first, then get some help if you need it. You're not alone in this.

Good luck

just my $.02

bamagt · Sep 15, 2010

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.

It's not that dying as a whole upsets me, almost 1/2 of the pt's I take care of sometimes will never make it out of my unit and I know that. The weird thing with this lady was that it was so quick and I hadn't even thought about her dying. Normally, you're gonna know that they're about to die but this lady just...died.

It was a peaceful way for her to go tho.

Thanks again

lucya · Sep 15, 2010

You'll be fine!

RNMNC · Sep 29, 2011

I know this post has been started awhile back. But I just wanted to say this badly. During my short stay at the LTC, after every death, I felt guilty. They were all hospice, death was expected but still every time after it happened, it left me feeling horrible. Feeling like I didn’t do enough and could’ve done better. I have tried debriefing with coworkers but didn’t seem to help me much. Before signing up to be a nurse, I knew that as a nurse I would see this. But learning about it in school is different than experiencing it.

Zookeeper3 · Sep 29, 2011

After 16 years in the ICU, you all can assume I 've seen much death. I have failed some when way too tasked to save the viable while the patient died alone. I regret it, remember too many of them to this day. I wish I could tell you that you could have allocated your time better, read something different in their demeanor, just "say the signs".

But this is not always the case. Providing death with dignity has been my goal for several years and I have come up short too many times to count.

Looking back, could have, should have... yep, it tears on my soul, but at the time I choose the best I could.

Living with these tough decisions, you can try to be more astute, ignore others needs while prioritizing this while others go without basic care, do all you can at the expense of others, or do your best in the time allotted.

Sometimes,holding a hand and saying"it's ok to go". is all you can do to be therapeutic. Other times you have no idea like yours that it is imminent. That doesn't undermine that what you did was less than you should have.

Helping prepare people to die, takes a close relationship, acceptance of all involved and doesn't neatly fit into a plan of care.

I always look back and wanted to do more as I think you are suggesting. Death is a natural part of living that just caught you by surprise and you wanted to do more.

You can plan to do more in the future, but the premise is that we only can do, with the time we have, and that limited time has to make an impact. It's food for thought for the future. You can't change yesterday.. but tomorrow holds many possibilities. Forgive yourself, and learn to be whole and carry on. It's what nurses do. We all fail at some point. Learning from it, it what creates peace of mind, body and soul. I hope this makes sense to you.