Hello everyone, i am in the midst of a sever depressive episode and am in my first year second semester of nursing. I realized I have been depressed my whole life only around 6 days ago from age 11 to now 19 (funny not to realize, but a long story). I am plagued by other problems too related to things like anxiety, self-esteem, etc. The program I am in is very demanding (I'm sure almost everyone can relate to that haha). I feel absolutely terrible as you might imagine.
I went through the second most worst breakdown of my life only in December 2015 during my first semester exams. Of course at that point my lowest mark was a B and I ended up passing all my exams (the last one by only 2%) and three A's in the classes I finished. Didn't stop me from spending almost the whole month before in a perpetual state of fear that I would fail (one of my core nursing exams) and end up having to repeat the whole year if I didn't pick it up by next semester in the end. I'm talking multiple thoughts per day and obsessively(!!!) asking everyone who could provide me an answer the consequences of failing an exam first semester. Even now, the fears persist (towards many things like passing my exam to start clinical; fail twice and you do the whole year over) and extend to me not passing the NCLEX or second year, which is infinitely more demanding than first year (and look at how I'm doing!)
I feel terribly hopeless and sad. Exhausted and lonely. Especially as this voice in my head constantly tells me so many bad things about myself. I go to school and can't stop crying. I am getting help, I have two counsellors but haven't seen them in a long while (because of winter break, availability). My doctor knows and is the one who signed me up for my second counsellor. The help seems as if it can't come quick enough. Ultimately, I am very messed up after being this way for half my life. Anyways, I don't know what I'm getting at here. I have already taken an extra year off after high school before starting this program and can't really consider taking time off.
I guess I would just like to ask, has there been anyone in my situation before? Does anyone have any advice? This perpetual stress makes me want to jump out of every window I see. I won't do it, but the thoughts wear down on a person. The only people who really understand how I feel are those who are depressed like myself, or have been. Anyways, thanks for reading.
