trapstudent

Hello! Thank you for the kind words. CONGRATS on your acceptance! That is great. And yes, it is terrible. My heart goes out to you, I know exactly what it feels like. The current state of the world as of late really threw me for an absolute loop, but I am back on my feet now! Now, since 2017: Considering it's been almost three years, I am not sure I can condense or even cover all I want to say. To begin, I have finished my nursing courses. I just have a few electives left that I will finish by the end of the year, and after that I will take the NCLEX. So I WAS able to get through nursing school, so that is the silver lining. HOWEVER, it was a struggle honestly. I am not sure what other factors confound in your life to benefit or hinder your MDD, so I don't want to cause alarm, but my circumstances were not beneficial to my diagnosis and schooling. With that considered (please keep in mind this is all specific to myself), my experience in school was less than optimal. I became a rather lacklustre student (GPA went down). I commonly guessed on tests at times, thankfully never failed anything. My accountability was also very very terrible. I was unable to get assignments done, causing trouble for my profs and advisors. I would ignore emails (anxiety), and disappear at times. When I think back to that time, they were pretty flexible and kind, and I had a lot of occurrences as a result of my bull**** that should have really resulted in real consequences. But, I think this was allowed to occur as well because my program despite being quite competitive, is crap in quite a few regards. I also don't know if you are American, and I am thinking some nursing programs in the US vary greatly from the one I was in (in Toronto). So circumstances may be very different. Now, that was negative! BUT, there are many things I wish I had done differently with hindsight. And if I had had these things in check, I could have absolutely aced undergrad. But I also did have a lot of fun, I loved learning, and I am sure I will eventually really miss it again! My advice is (some of these things you may already do): - Get on a medication if you're not on one. I went on and off so many times because I was a mess (funny to teach others about medication adherence and have the self-awareness that you are doing the opposite). They are a great great help. - Go to therapy or counselling, if you don't already. Stick with it. If your campus has the option, use it. If you can get it through any other means, use it. It is vital. Essential. I needed it. Join the disability services in your school/program if that is an option. - Be as transparent as possible if you can, with anyone who needs to know about your diagnosis and how it can affect your schooling. By virtue of being diagnosed with quiet BPD, I internalize everything, and people really don't know if you're suffering unless you tell them. Don't be afraid to ask for extensions, for more help. Let them know if you are struggling. I didn't do this. - If possible, find a good group of friends and/or study buddies. This can be a lifesaver. It helped me immensely. Support is a great boon. It can ease the burden of work and provide reprieve. - Engage in self-care. Plan how to take care of your health. It is vital to take care of yourself. Seriously. Physical health. Work out and eat well mostly. Schedule wind down time for yourself. School is mighty stressful at times even for well-adjusted peeps. What do you like to do? Do it! Schedule time for it! I ran around like a chicken without a head - always on the go. Not worth it. - Plan plan plan! This ties into the time management part of nursing school, but I found it helpful to follow a detailed schedule (although I didn't stick to it as I should have). Heck, I planned when I would shampoo just so I didn't have to think about it. But don't stress over these plans. It just helps you keep your head on. - It pays to be emotionally healthy. You may very well meet many crappy people. I did. I met some absolutely wonderful people I loved. But it is a reality you may run into people who are mean just to be mean. Nurses who eat their young. *** doctors. Learn how to advocate for yourself. I did not, I was too broken. Understand now that their issues are not a reflection of you. Seek out the positives in nursing. - Journal/write and do a lot of reflection on your experiences. Anything that bothers you. - Get a mentor. I never got one so I'm not even sure how one goes about finding one, but I wish I had. I did have people I knew one or two years ahead of me, and it helped so so much. - Hell I will say it again, TIME MANAGEMENT! Start the paper a week early one paragraph at a time, two weeks ahead. Break it up. Don't let the work become a mountain. - Sometimes you cannot do something. That is alright. Take a break. Don't compare yourself to others. And other times you have no choice but you have to push through. It sucks, but you will get through it! - TREAT YOURSELF! TREAT YOURSELF! BE NICE TO YOURSELF! Have a cheat day, a rest day, once in a while, whenever you can! In the end I became disillusioned with the profession, but time outside of school slowly has slowly rewarmed me to nursing. I would choose it again given the option. Had I possessed the hindsight, I think it would have overall been a wonderful experience. You've got this, and you will get through it. Be proactive, as you are now. All the best to you! :) <3

I don't know if anyone will see this, but an update. I went into my second year even worse (which is the worst year in terms of workload) but I would have killed myself had I stayed, so I took the year off (which my parents don't know I did, yay to having a messy life!). In nursing school where everyone is stressed, it's sort of an every-man-for-themselves thing and it was terrible to be breaking down and crying so many times in class or lab or the hallways and no one asking if I was okay. In my second year I'd keep leaving my lecture and going to the roof wanting to jump, but ew who really wants to die at school ya know? Hence the leaving. I'll be going back in September. I can't say I've improved a whole lot since I left, or since I wrote the initial post, (but in my situation, I have no one really helping me and am doing it alone) but I have a diagnosis now (major depressive disorder and borderline personality disorder) and a way to move forward. I've gotten this far, which is amazing I think. I will be better. I now know at least I can get through nursing school. It's funny, because even while I was horribly depressed I did well academically, especially considering the state I was in. So, all things considered, I am ready to kick ass in the future. If there are any depressed students who read this, you can message me. If someone like me, who for all intents and purposes should be dead by now is still alive and fighting, you can do it too. ((and wow, i feel like crying now!))

I did think about the stressful aspects of nursing before becoming one. I even planned to work somewhere not as stressful in the future like that of a health clinic or working in public health if I felt that is something that would affect me. I will reconsider having two counsellors, although they do sort of different things with me. If you don't mind me asking, in what ways do you personally find it emotionally demanding? And thanks for the suggestion, but if I wasn't becoming a nurse the only thing I see is physician. So I don't even know where I would start to look for a different career. I will talk to my mentor and see what my solutions are.

You are right. I always imagined that since my depression dealt with things not related to nursing at all or school even that I would be okay. But it is true that you cannot take care of someone well when you yourself are sick. I will try hard, I do find I don't tell the whole truth because of fear of judgement. Thank you for this comment.

Thank you so so much for saying that. I saw the comments about whether I should reconsider and it made me really scared. I can't think of doing anything else. I will make sure to do that and bring it up. I honestly thought it was "normal" I guess to think multiple times throughout the day that I wanted to kill myself and to vividly imagine it in my head completing it in various ways. Now I know it is not. I have three appointments this week, hopefully I will know what to do and see what type of help I can get. I really appreciate your comment, thank you once again.

Hello everyone, i am in the midst of a sever depressive episode and am in my first year second semester of nursing. I realized I have been depressed my whole life only around 6 days ago from age 11 to now 19 (funny not to realize, but a long story). I am plagued by other problems too related to things like anxiety, self-esteem, etc. The program I am in is very demanding (I'm sure almost everyone can relate to that haha). I feel absolutely terrible as you might imagine. I went through the second most worst breakdown of my life only in December 2015 during my first semester exams. Of course at that point my lowest mark was a B and I ended up passing all my exams (the last one by only 2%) and three A's in the classes I finished. Didn't stop me from spending almost the whole month before in a perpetual state of fear that I would fail (one of my core nursing exams) and end up having to repeat the whole year if I didn't pick it up by next semester in the end. I'm talking multiple thoughts per day and obsessively(!!!) asking everyone who could provide me an answer the consequences of failing an exam first semester. Even now, the fears persist (towards many things like passing my exam to start clinical; fail twice and you do the whole year over) and extend to me not passing the NCLEX or second year, which is infinitely more demanding than first year (and look at how I'm doing!) I feel terribly hopeless and sad. Exhausted and lonely. Especially as this voice in my head constantly tells me so many bad things about myself. I go to school and can't stop crying. I am getting help, I have two counsellors but haven't seen them in a long while (because of winter break, availability). My doctor knows and is the one who signed me up for my second counsellor. The help seems as if it can't come quick enough. Ultimately, I am very messed up after being this way for half my life. Anyways, I don't know what I'm getting at here. I have already taken an extra year off after high school before starting this program and can't really consider taking time off. I guess I would just like to ask, has there been anyone in my situation before? Does anyone have any advice? This perpetual stress makes me want to jump out of every window I see. I won't do it, but the thoughts wear down on a person. The only people who really understand how I feel are those who are depressed like myself, or have been. Anyways, thanks for reading.