Selfish family?Student Mothers please read!

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I recently helped my mother in law sign up for classes at our local JC. She is in her early 40's and has never been to college. She wants to become a nurse also. She is very smart (taking all honors classes and getting A's) but just needed my help getting acclimated to the whole college registration thing. Since I already graduated with my ASD I know all the ins and outs.

Any-who, she is mother of 13 children. Not all still living at home: one 21yrs, one 18yrs, one 16yrs, one 15yrs, one 12yrs, one 10yrs, one 8yrs, and two 3yr old twins. The 21yr old, and two older children that are already out of the house (one including my husband) are upset and want her to quit school. They think that because she is spending some much time with school that she is not taking her responsibilities as a parent and is making others that are at home do them for her. (My husband mentioned something along the lines of his mother should just quit school and do her job as a parent) I am not sure how valid their arguments are. This is why: I understand that school is very hard and requires some sacrifices (when I was applying to the nursing program I was told that you better inform your family now that there will be some nights when cereal is all that will be for dinner). Being in the nursing program has resulted in my own absence so I am unable to observe the accusations myself. However, I know that my MIL has never worked and has been a stay at home mom up until now. She even home schooled all of the children until the twins were born and still home schools the 10yr old. I feel as though her family is being selfish now that she is trying to do something for herself (she wants to become a nurse so she can go to 3rd world countries and give people medical care), and due to the fact that they have never experience anything else...change is hard, especially one so big. I want to support her because, although I am not a mother myself, I know how hard school can be aside from everyday life. But what ever I say in her defense seems to fall on deaf ears.

What do you think?

go mom!!

if she has her childcare needs covered, i say go for it! my little ones are really proud to see me chasing my dreams, i think its a great model for them. balancing work/mothering/school is really really challenging, but so worth it in terms of not having my kids see me dragging myself to a job i hate. i also think that parents have somewhat of an advantage in nursing school in that we know about multitasking and prioritizing and find a way to get the work done. we really know how to stretch an hour of "mommy time". i think its more challenging for people who have more free time, and even possibly a social life...

I think she should do something for herself and let her family adjust. It will be worth it in the end, since she will be setting an example for her children. The example would be that if you have a dream/goal, you work hard and enlist the help and support of your family and friends and you get it done! Being in nursing school is not unlike working a full-time job, and many other mothers do that and everyone survives! Just frame it like it's job training for her future career.

Hope this helps!

I recently helped my mother in law sign up for classes at our local JC. She is in her early 40's and has never been to college. She wants to become a nurse also. She is very smart (taking all honors classes and getting A's) but just needed my help getting acclimated to the whole college registration thing. Since I already graduated with my ASD I know all the ins and outs.

Any-who, she is mother of 13 children. Not all still living at home: one 21yrs, one 18yrs, one 16yrs, one 15yrs, one 12yrs, one 10yrs, one 8yrs, and two 3yr old twins. The 21yr old, and two older children that are already out of the house (one including my husband) are upset and want her to quit school. They think that because she is spending some much time with school that she is not taking her responsibilities as a parent and is making others that are at home do them for her. (My husband mentioned something along the lines of his mother should just quit school and do her job as a parent) I am not sure how valid their arguments are. This is why: I understand that school is very hard and requires some sacrifices (when I was applying to the nursing program I was told that you better inform your family now that there will be some nights when cereal is all that will be for dinner). Being in the nursing program has resulted in my own absence so I am unable to observe the accusations myself. However, I know that my MIL has never worked and has been a stay at home mom up until now. She even home schooled all of the children until the twins were born and still home schools the 10yr old. I feel as though her family is being selfish now that she is trying to do something for herself (she wants to become a nurse so she can go to 3rd world countries and give people medical care), and due to the fact that they have never experience anything else...change is hard, especially one so big. I want to support her because, although I am not a mother myself, I know how hard school can be aside from everyday life. But what ever I say in her defense seems to fall on deaf ears.

What do you think?

is she married? if so there is no reason dad cant pick up the slack - if she is relying on the older kids to take care of the younger ( which by the way i figured out i was doing to my daughter - its easy to do without even realizing it - so i sent my daughter tolive with my ex where she coudl focus on her and not her brothers and found a different way to get boys taken care of ( let idiot hubby back in house - maybe not the wisest of choices but couldnt find a sitter and refused to use my daughter anymore.,....) perhpas she can look into getting daycare for the younger ones. even when we pay our older ones ( as i did my daughetr) it still tales away from thier childhood and makes it so much harder and i do belive that in that area i was at one tme lacking in my parenting - as for why she is going if that is the case with her wanting to o it to go to 3rd world countries i dont expect she will do taht anytime soon ( she has 3 yr olds i am sure she doesnt plan to take them with nor leave them behond) perhpas her families concerns are legit and maybe she shoudl wait to go to school for a bit - say till the 3 yr olds are in school. that gives her 12 yrs to get a degree to be able to travel abroad and help others ( unless as i sid she plans to pack off with the kidsor leave them behind then i guess now is best) . as for it being your MIL - i make it a rule for me that i will state my opinion - yes they value it and we are close but ultimately they are my inlaws not my parents so it really isnt my business to keep on arguing - if you cont to side with MIL openly like that you may find yourself in a sticky situation with the rest of the family - i guess for me i wouldnt want that - so as i said i will let them know what i think and leave it at that. they know how i feel and their family can deal with it as a family.

I'm sorry, but I feel that this arguement is flawed. In families like that, these responsibilities (like diapering or bathing) are just like chores are in other families. The families that I have seen that do these things are HIGHLY disciplined, the children are so mature (but can still be kids) and well-behaved.

When I have children, we will work together as a FAMILY on everything, including the care of the younger children if I have many (which I probably won't, but I completely respect the parents that do).

It's unfair to say that the other kids (and usually the "kids" helping out are older teens who need this sort of responsibility anyway) are RAISING the children for the parents when they are simply helping out.

not always true- having a hubby like hers who thinks he has no responsibility but say work when it comes to the household when i wouldl be out working that pushed the responsibility to the teens of the house- NOT just chores andhelping - that measn they are the ones raising the kids and that is just simply not fair to the teens. now - if dad were doing the brunt with mom off to school and teens helped yes ok - but that isnt what it sounds like here- sounds a lot like i went through so i sent my daughter to my ex so my hubby had no choice but to take care of his boys - wsant her job to do it and it does get abused in some families especially where dad thinkas he is all that.........

Nursing is about taking care of others. That being said, she should start out by taking care of those who need her most; her children. She had them and should fulfill the responsibility of raising them and then go to school later on to do something for herself. If she didn't want to do the job of a mother, why did she become a mother? If she decides not to take on the responsibility of being a good mother and neglect her little children by going to school at this time, that would be a sad thing because her children would be the ones who would pay the price.

How exactly is going to school equating with not wanting to be a mother? And where exactly is the job description of a mother? Does it mean that you are with your children 24/7 to cater to their every whim while negleting yourself (because that's just selfish and irresponsible :( )? What about moms who have to or want to work? And don't say they're bad mothers. Not all single moms set out to be that way and not all married moms desire to be with their kids at all hours with absolutely no breaks. I personally see no difference between working full time to support your family and gong to nursing school. Actually, I spend more time w/ my kids now that I quit my job to go to school. And as far as fulfilling a responsibility goes, what about dad? How come you aren't including him on the responsibilities of parenting? Or do you think that he did his job by creating the kids and now all he has to worry about is coming home to have his shoes removed by his kids with a piping hot dinner on the table?

No, I am saying she should not go to nursing school because she has LITTLE kids. And yes, she can wait until she's almost 50 if that is better timing. If she didn't want to wait to go to nursing school, why did she have the twins 3 years ago?

Wait, if you're a nurse, mother to a three year old and your husband works, wouldn't you have to send your three year old to the sitters? So what's the difference if mom is going to school instead of work?

Ever wake up one morning and decide to change your life? I think most people have. That's probably what happened or maybe she's had this dream all along and felt that now was the time to do it.

Oh, and maybe the twins were accidents. It happens even with the best protection.

If she's been a stay at home mom all these years it will be tough on the twins. But you don't want to spend your life coddling and hovering over your children up until they graduate. It makes for a scary seperation when it's time for college. Those twins will probably like the change in scenery.

I think the family is being selfish but I also think that this is a personal choice and that what we think doesn't matter. It matters what mom thinks and wants.

Carpe diem!

If she wants to do it, then she needs to do it!

As far as no support from the family???? .... All the more reason to do it, and do it good!

Liberation happened a LONGGGGGGGGGGG time ago! Women CAN do what they want!

:yeahthat: :yeahthat: :yeahthat: :yeahthat:

Did I say "yeah that"?

Probably the main reason I'm not married is because I just couldn't answer to a man. Sorry, when I say I'm going to school that means I'm going to school. Elderly pt told me with an attitude like that I'm never gonna catch one!

Wait, if you're a nurse, mother to a three year old and your husband works, wouldn't you have to send your three year old to the sitters?

um.. not if you work 3-11 or 11-7 or weekends. which is why a lot of women with families go into nursing, for the flexible schedules.

It matters what mom thinks and wants.

Of course it matters what mom thinks or wants. However, mom isn't revolving in a separate sphere in a separate galaxy (like a single woman with no kids). I'm just saying it probably isn't the wisest course of action to just up and quit The Mom Job because something new caught your fancy before your term of service was up...

Probably the main reason I'm not married is because I just couldn't answer to a man. Sorry, when I say I'm going to school that means I'm going to school.

of course, if that's what marriage means to you, turnabout is fair game, right? So when your husband tells you he is moving to Alaska for two years to fish and hunt year round (leaving you to work AND raise your twin three year olds without him), you'll just say, "of course, dear. We shouldn't have to answer to one another."

I never felt marriage was about either person answering to another. Silly me, I thought it was about working together for the best interests of each person and the marriage/family as a whole. Which is why I have a problem with this mom in particular going to school if her family is so against it. Maybe they do have issues, in which case they could all work together on the issues to find out what's going on...might be their resistance has some merit that we don't know about?

What's good for you is good for me; what's bad for you is bad for me.

This is the philosophy that my husband and I live by with regard to each other. I think this applies to the MIL of the OP as well. If she is meeting that much resistance from her family to go to school, she must first determine if it is reasonable for the other team members to be objecting. If their objections are valid, she needs to address them and seek to find a solution. If their objections are baseless, she needs to address those too and seek to find a solution. Going back to school with 13 children and husband who have objections to her decision is to ignore the situation at her own peril. We all know how challenging NS can be, even those of without children have obstacles to face. But 13 children and husband who are opposed to the idea? This is a recipe for disaster. The family needs a good old fashioned sit down to discuss this. If her family will not support her, she has the following choices:

1. Not go to NS and potentially be resentfull

2. Go to NS and deal with non-supportive family members

I seriously do not see many people being able to handle the stress of a gynormous family who is unsupportive, being able to succeed in an already challenging program. Not to say it's impossible, but it sure ain't gonna be fun, easy, relaxing, etc. Good luck keeping that up for 2 years.

What's good for you is good for me; what's bad for you is bad for me.

This is the philosophy that my husband and I live by with regard to each other. I think this applies to the MIL of the OP as well. If she is meeting that much resistance from her family to go to school, she must first determine if it is reasonable for the other team members to be objecting. If their objections are valid, she needs to address them and seek to find a solution. If their objections are baseless, she needs to address those too and seek to find a solution. Going back to school with 13 children and husband who have objections to her decision is to ignore the situation at her own peril. We all know how challenging NS can be, even those of without children have obstacles to face. But 13 children and husband who are opposed to the idea? This is a recipe for disaster. The family needs a good old fashioned sit down to discuss this. If her family will not support her, she has the following choices:

1. Not go to NS and potentially be resentfull

2. Go to NS and deal with non-supportive family members

I seriously do not see many people being able to handle the stress of a gynormous family who is unsupportive, being able to succeed in an already challenging program. Not to say it's impossible, but it sure ain't gonna be fun, easy, relaxing, etc. Good luck keeping that up for 2 years.

:yeahthat: :yeahthat: :yeahthat:

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