Selfish family?Student Mothers please read!

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I recently helped my mother in law sign up for classes at our local JC. She is in her early 40's and has never been to college. She wants to become a nurse also. She is very smart (taking all honors classes and getting A's) but just needed my help getting acclimated to the whole college registration thing. Since I already graduated with my ASD I know all the ins and outs.

Any-who, she is mother of 13 children. Not all still living at home: one 21yrs, one 18yrs, one 16yrs, one 15yrs, one 12yrs, one 10yrs, one 8yrs, and two 3yr old twins. The 21yr old, and two older children that are already out of the house (one including my husband) are upset and want her to quit school. They think that because she is spending some much time with school that she is not taking her responsibilities as a parent and is making others that are at home do them for her. (My husband mentioned something along the lines of his mother should just quit school and do her job as a parent) I am not sure how valid their arguments are. This is why: I understand that school is very hard and requires some sacrifices (when I was applying to the nursing program I was told that you better inform your family now that there will be some nights when cereal is all that will be for dinner). Being in the nursing program has resulted in my own absence so I am unable to observe the accusations myself. However, I know that my MIL has never worked and has been a stay at home mom up until now. She even home schooled all of the children until the twins were born and still home schools the 10yr old. I feel as though her family is being selfish now that she is trying to do something for herself (she wants to become a nurse so she can go to 3rd world countries and give people medical care), and due to the fact that they have never experience anything else...change is hard, especially one so big. I want to support her because, although I am not a mother myself, I know how hard school can be aside from everyday life. But what ever I say in her defense seems to fall on deaf ears.

What do you think?

Specializes in ortho/neuro.

I too think she should go for it. I started school three yrs ago w/ a 13, 7, 5 and 1 year old and will graduate in May with my ADN. I had been a SAHM for almost 10 yrs and I understand the need to do something for yourself. It's hard to lose your identity and become known only as so-and so's wife or mother. I started slow w/ one class a semester (which sounds like your MIL is doing) and for the first time had time for my interests and achievements even if it was only 2 hrs a couple times a week. My children did not miss out on mommy time because it is the quality of the time together not the quantity that instills love and security in children.

I too agree that there is nothing wrong with older children helping out with younger children. It teaches them reliability, accountability and how to be part of a team which are all life skills that seem to be lost in some children in this day and age. It can also increase bonding between siblings..my now 16 and 3 yr old are very close. I know many people from large families (12,13 etc) and the as adults the children are all close and the older ones helped with the younger ones.

I am rather shocked that not more people have voiced an alarm over the fact that the father seems to think his responsibility ends with the pay check and no has stated his selfishness and parental abuse and that it's ok for the kids to take care of the father by taking of his shoes, etc but not to help mom out with the younger kids. Interesting.

I am rather shocked that not more people have voiced an alarm over the fact that the father seems to think his responsibility ends with the pay check and no has stated his selfishness and parental abuse and that it's ok for the kids to take care of the father by taking of his shoes, etc but not to help mom out with the younger kids. Interesting.

I've been concerned about the same thing. I mean, come on here, last I heard parenting was a two way responsibility. How come he isn't being blasted for shirking his parenting duties by getting out of the house and doing something for himself (working). This is something that my husband and I recently had a discussion about. He was of the opinion that since he was working then it wasn't the same as doing something to occupy your time out of the house. I had to explain to him that even though working may not be the most fun thing in the world at least he got out of the house and got to do something that had nothing to do with silly songs, poopy diapers, breastfeeding, etc. and also got to be around other adults! I told him I would gladly switch being as I only get to regularly leave the house 2 days/ week for a couple of hours for school. Period. The rest of my time is spent raising my two young (1 autistic) children. We're stranded at home (we only have 1 car) and I'm usually without any other adult interaction whatsoever. So please forgive me for wanting to do something for myself like go to school so that I may learn a trade and do something productive with my life because you know what...I may be a mom for the rest of my life but my kids will not always need me around...OR what if something (God forbid) were to happen to my husband? All I know how to do is wait tables and abstract titles. Neither of those jobs pay well.

Sorry for the rant, but listening to these people criticizing this poor woman for wanting to stretch her legs a little have really been upsetting me. Although I'm not getting resistance from my husband (he's been great, he just doens't always get it) I can definately understand having dreams and wanting to follow them while having someone resist you every step of the way. I can also understand what it is like to live with a domineering alpha-male who wants to keep you barefoot, pregnant, and totally dependent of you...I mean, if all you know is how to be a mom how could you possibly break free? Especially if the kids are against you. My mom lived with that before wising up and leaving my stepdad...my best friend is going through something similar right now. It's awful.

To the OP...like I said before give her all the support you can muster and encourage her to make friends with her classmates. And If I were you (this is based on a previous post of yours where you said your husband was giving you a hard time about going to school) I would sit down with you husband and go through both of your expectations of the marriage because if he expects you to be a baby factory and you want to be a working mom then it's better to hash all that out now before you have children because it just gets harder once you bring kids into the picture. I know that this is just my opinion but I'm speaking from experience. It's not fun to grow up in a household where there is resentment and anger.

I am rather shocked that not more people have voiced an alarm over the fact that the father seems to think his responsibility ends with the pay check

I don't know how much your husband makes but frankly I'm pretty impressed with a guy who makes enough money to support 13 children and a wife that doesn't work.

:smilecoffeecup:

Specializes in Operating Room.

She probably needs to do this for her sanity!

Solution:

I am a student nurse at the age of 53, and have four children ages 36,33,18, & 17.

We put the first two through college. I then started taking my prerequisites...one at a time when my last two were 2 and 3yrs old. I took my time. I worked full-time, raised the last two, and by the time my prerequisites were completed, I entered the nursing program when my last two were 16 and 17.

This worked out pretty good; I will graduate when the last two are in college.

The prerequisites are hard enough that she should think about taking one per semester.

Just my two cents.:nuke: :nuke: :nuke:

Specializes in Infectious Disease.

I'm so glad I didn't have a bunch of negativity surrounding me when I decided to go back to school when my kids were 1 year, 3 years, and 5 years old. I love my children to distraction but I was a person other than their mommy for quite some time who had interests outside of parenting. Circumstances did not afford me the chance to attend college when I was younger, although I always wanted to go. I grasped the opportunity to pursue nursing when it was presented. I need to be a well rounded person in order to be a happy person. Now, FOR ME, that means having interests outside of those associated with my husband and kids. I started out taking free high school level refresher courses in English and Algebra. I attended those classes, one night a week, for about three months. After that, I enrolled in CC. I took two classes per semester until all of my prereqs were completed. I am now in the third semester of nursing school and will graduate in May. I attend dance recitals, football games/practices, read stories, check homework, and spend TONS of time with them. My kids, now 7, 11, and 12, have seen my certificates for the Dean's list, attended my induction into the honor society, and constantly brag about my good grades to anyone that will listen. They ask for explanations about something I may be studying and offer to help by quizzing me using my flashcards. They are happy and well adjusted children. We just had parent teacher conferences and all of the teachers talked about how well mannered, respectful, and hardworking they are. I would like to think it had something to do with having a good role model, even though they are natural geniuses. lol. Everyone has had to chip in around the house. Sure, they grumble a little but all kids do, even if their mother doesn't go to school. I applaud anyone who has the guts to follow their dreams, whether they have 1 child or 13. Being a mother and wife may be all that some need to feel fulfilled but for others, it just isn't enough. That doesn't make any party right or wrong, good or bad... just different. OP, I'm not trying to hijack your thread and make it all about me, I just wanted to let you know that mom's attending school while her kids are young doesn't = gloom and doom. Support your MIL. Someone needs to. My husband was "ok" but my MIL was my real support base.

Specializes in ortho/neuro.

I'm sorry but the way I see it, bringing home the money is the easy part...work 8 maybe ten hours a day,get a pat on the back for being such a wonderful provider by the world, get a lunch break, respect and a raise every now and then, a paycheck and then come home and be catered to while mom works 24/hrs a day, seven days a week (but hey, it's not really 'work')cause she gets to be at home, gets no respect, no money and no help while taking care of 13 children and is called selfish for wanting to have a career...sure, HE really is impressive.

Specializes in ortho/neuro.
I don't know how much your husband makes but frankly I'm pretty impressed with a guy who makes enough money to support 13 children and a wife that doesn't work.

:smilecoffeecup:

I wasn't sure how to directly reply to this with my last post so please see my previous post..

As far as how much money my husband makes, it's not as much as most people think is necessary for me to be at home 'living the easy life' that I do while hubby is out breaking his back.:trout: My hubby will be the first to tell you that I'm the reason his wage is able to stretch sufficiently. I wait for sales, I buy winter clothes in the spring, etc. I think it is sad that most SAHM aren't recognized for the sacrifices and effort they put into staying at home and then they aren't supported when they want something for themselves. I also think it is important to have a backup if something ever did happen to my husband. If I didn't, everyone would be complaining about having to take care of a lazy mom with four kids who has to be on government assistance. I guess we can't win.

I am a mother of two and went back to school in my mid thirtys. My children are still small and need me and so does my husband. I found that cooking meals on weekends and freezing them helped alot. I am ready to graduate in two weeks and I was very lucky I guess that my family conformed to my schedule, however they always knew that they came first. Maybe if her children realized that they were more important to her then nursing school that would be enough to get her through also freezing meals helps this way even a few nights a week they have a hot meal on the table.

Like Melissa said, it actually can be extremely reliable. The rhythm method, not so much (the one where you avoid certain days based on your average cycle), but if a woman is checking her cervical fluid/temp/etc., it works very well. It's actually a great option--if you are willing to use barrier methods during the times when you are fertile, then you are not limited at all--and you don't have to use the barriers when they aren't required.

Anyway...Sorry. I like NFP because it teaches women to work with the natural rhythm of their bodies. And for a lot of women, education r/t that is sadly lacking. And your joke was funny :-).

And back to the original topic:p People with kids go to NS all the time--myself included. I think it's been harder on me than on my family, actually. I've had to lower my standards on housework, outside activities, etc. so that I can spend time with my kids reading, playing, etc. I tell people if the mess is going to bother them, not to come over until I graduate; otherwise, scoot over some laundry on the couch and sit down. Better yet, fold while we talk :D

Not to put too fine a spin on this, but NS may be the best thing for her. JMHO, she may be in a situation that is somewhat, ummm, I don't want to say abusive, but her husband doesn't sound much like a partner in the marriage. He may be afraid that if she has other resources, that she may not want to stay in the marriage.

It would do those kids a great service to see that Mom, as an adult, has interests that extend beyond the family. Don't get me wrong, I was a SAHM for 19 years; it was hard, but I loved it. But, children are still going to know that they are the most important part of your life--just maybe not the ONLY part. Besides, even if she does go to third world countries, by the time she gets done with NS and feels competent enough to help, her little ones will be much bigger. And with some planning, no reason those kids can't go with her and help. Maybe even Dad would participate ;-).

Yea...what she said!

Specializes in UR/PA, Hematology/Oncology, Med Surg, Psych.

Bless her heart, I hope she continues to find the strength to follow her dream. I suppose some would prefer that the children have a SAHM that is unhappy, and perhaps resentful. I certainly think it would be much better for them to have fulfilled, happy mother, even if her attention to them was somewhat more limited. Perhaps they will watch her go to school and gain some new respect (sounds like they need it) and learn about striving to reach goals and dreams. For pete's sake, she not abandoning her children, she's trying to get an education! And the attitudes of some women, not necessarily saying here in this thread, but rather more in general society, that a woman that does not or can not be a SAHM is selfish or materialistic, just burn my buns!!!! I hear daily from some of the women I work with, the absolute gut-wrenching guilt society has placed on them for working. It is awful!!! They are made to feel like bad mothers, bad people, and if their children interfere at all with their job, bad employees. Please continue to give your MIL the love and support that you do, she deserves to be happy too. By the way, I certainly don't qualify as a 20-something and I have three children of my own.

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