dealing with unsupportive family

  1. I decided to go to nursing school part-time from my 2nd semester on, because I felt the 1st semester has drained me out with all the work load. I took 17 credit hrs as per the school's calendar and I wanted to scale down for my next semester because its way too hard on me to take up such an heavy load again. This change will put me back by a semester or 2 to graduate-this has made my husband mad to his wits end. Being in nursing school has helped me understand my limitations and I have to go with what works best for me. He's totally unsupportive with this plan of mine and I don't know how I can convince him otherwise. Pls help.
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    About Maria22

    Joined: Feb '05; Posts: 27

    18 Comments

  3. by   Jessy_RN
    It's so sad and difficult when you have an anchor or someone on your back. I support your decision because you knew that the load was too much and made an important decision to go to part-time.

    I would approach him and spill your heart to him. Let him know that graduation a semester or 2 late isn't going to kill you. In fact, it may be saving your sanity and health.

    Ask him for his support and to honor his marriage by sticking with you through thick and thin, through sickness and in health.............in this case through nursing school-something important for you.

    Prayers for him to understand and support you. Best wishes
  4. by   SoulShine75
    Quote from Future_RN_Jess
    It's so sad and difficult when you have an anchor or someone on your back. I support your decision because you knew that the load was too much and made an important decision to go to part-time.

    I would approach him and spill your heart to him. Let him know that graduation a semester or 2 late isn't going to kill you. In fact, it may be saving your sanity and health.

    Ask him for his support and to honor his marriage by sticking with you through thick and thin, through sickness and in health.............in this case through nursing school-something important for you.

    Prayers for him to understand and support you. Best wishes
    :yeahthat: I agree with what Jessica said totally. I also want to add that not only could you lose your sanity by the heavy load but you could also risk failing and that would send you back to the beginning all over again. Only you know what you can do. I sort of know what you're dealing with except mine is more geared toward my immediate family. They think it's great I'm wanting to be a nurse, but they don't realize how much is involved in it and how it's entirely different from most other degrees. The have no idea what nursing school entails and they probably will never really know.

    Pour your heart out to your husband and keep doing it until he sees where you're coming from. He'll come around. Good luck to you and keep up the good work!
  5. by   Tweety
    Good advice from Jess. Hopefully with time he'll come around.

    Nursing school is a family commitment.

    Good luck.
  6. by   Rosa2Little
    Quote from Maria22
    I decided to go to nursing school part-time from my 2nd semester on, because I felt the 1st semester has drained me out with all the work load. I took 17 credit hrs as per the school's calendar and I wanted to scale down for my next semester because its way too hard on me to take up such an heavy load again. This change will put me back by a semester or 2 to graduate-this has made my husband mad to his wits end. Being in nursing school has helped me understand my limitations and I have to go with what works best for me. He's totally unsupportive with this plan of mine and I don't know how I can convince him otherwise. Pls help.
    I agree with the posters above. You never really know how demanding Nursing school is until you're in the midst of it. You are a smart cookie to know your limitations. That being said, you have to ask why he is unsupportive. Is it due to the financial aspect? If he is carrying the load while you go to school, it also is a demanding burden. Maybe you could find a way to ease the financial burden on him? I'm just guessing here, so I apologize if I'm off base.

    Best Wishes
  7. by   Maria22
    Thank you all for the feedback. Its difficult to know if your doing the right thing or not when the people who know you best are unsupportive. But I'm gonna hang in there and follow my heart. Thank you for the kind words.
  8. by   Race Mom
    Quote from Tweety
    Nursing school is a family commitment.
    That would make an EXCELLENT t-shirt!


    Didn't he notice what last semester was like for you? Remind him. Tell him it didn't leave enough time for "love" things, and I'm sure he'll begin to understand!

    If he is still unsupportive, ask him what his suggestions are for you to keep with the high pace and give him a few suggestions on what he would have to do for that to happen (all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, bill paying, house painting, dog grooming, kid bathing, birthday card mailings, thank you card mailings, heck...getting the mail, giving you daily massages, making the coffee, phone calls to your mother, no more to calls to his...well, what do you know, he changed his mind...I think it was the mother thing).

    Let us know all the details!!!

    Bet he caves!

    Woogy
    Last edit by Race Mom on Dec 14, '05
  9. by   Daytonite
    Just keep on plugging along at your own pace. Wear an invisible cloak of steel and try to let hubby's anger reflect off that. After all, he agreed it was OK for you to go to school, didn't he? Don't get into arguments with him over this if you can avoid it.

    I'm sorry to say this, but while I was in nursing school both times (for my AA and BSN) several of my classmates' marriages went on the rocks. It also seemed to me that every MSN I talked to at conventions (they were presenting their research) ended up in divorce court either during or after getting their degree. Going to school to start in a new profession is a very time consuming and stressful endeavor. I hope your husband will eventually see that. It is the difficult times that bring out people's true nature. Getting "mad to his wits end" doesn't sound good to me. I hope he is not threatening or physically abusing you. I think it makes a big difference when people in our families have no college background because it gives them no base of understanding for what a college student must endure. I sincerely hope your husband's manner toward you improves.
  10. by   Silicone
    Sounds like you two haven't been married very long.
    It also sounds like your husband can't see much past tomorrow.

    I've been with my sweetie for almost 30 years and the
    best advice I can give you is this:

    It just won't matter 30 years from now!!!

    It won't matter 20 years from now!!!

    I won't matter 10 years from now!!!

    And it won't *even* matter 5 years from now.

    I got a lot of grief from my sweetie about my pre-reqs taking so much longer than planned until I stood up for myself. I sat him down and **demanded** that he show me some respect. I didn't waste my time or his having arguements with him about it, I just stated that this whole process was to the mutual benefit of our LONG term relationship. If it was going to take extra time to get it done right, then so be it. It just isn't going to make
    one bit of difference when we're both retired, so why waste the time and energy fussing over it now? He was one stubborn cuss, but I kept insisting that he treat me right and kept reminding him that it was only a couple of years in what will be a lifetime of being together.

    Explain that you'd support him if he was having problems and that you expect and demand the same support from him. You absolutely deserve to have your husband support and back you up because that's what people who love each other do. Remind him of that as often as necessary.

    Maria, you can do it. If you need to take the extra time, then
    you should go right ahead and take the extra time and do it
    right. I know in my heart that you can do it, no matter how
    much time it takes. I believe that you know your limits and
    you know better than to push yourself over the edge. Don't
    let anyone talk you into something you're not comfortable with.
    You know better.

    Samantha
    (and when you're 85, you'll look back and laugh like a fool
    over this whole silly fuss)
  11. by   NJNursing
    Samantha above has great advice too. Down the road, how long it took you to get there won't matter a hill of beans. And he's got to support you in your decision to not KILL yourself taking on more than you can handle. 17 credits is like school suicide. My hats off to you for handling it. I get frazzled with 12 - wow!

    And someone else's advice of cutting down so you don't fail - very important. Last fall we started Nursing I with 60 students. When Nursing II started, we had 40. One third had either failed or withdrew because they couldn't handle the intense material/class schedule. One girl even had a mental breakdown and had to be hospitalized in a psych hospital for 3 weeks because of it. Even now in Nursing III, we've got 31 students. Our class has been cut in half.

    Good luck sweetie and even if he's not supportive- we are.
  12. by   Catys_With_Me
    I've been in school forever. At least it seems like it. From the beginning I put myself on a part-time schedule so I would be able to adequately balance all the balls I've got tossed in the air. My family calls me the professional student and the running joke has been that I'll finish school approximately 6 months before I'm due to collect retirement. But here's the thing: I'm set to graduate in a few months (FINALLY) after being in school since Fall of 99. Friends in similar life situations as I (kids, husband, work etc...) that were in pre-reqs with me along the way and taking huge credit loads are not. They either burned out or failed out quite a while ago.
  13. by   Maria22
    I agree with samantha......[/I]It also sounds like your husband can't see much past tomorrow.[/I] All the pieces of advice I got on this topic the last couple of days has really helped me keep my head up. He seems to be cooling-off abit but often temporary.The good part is that he is not gonna be home much with his job situation so I think I will have some relief atleast for a while. THANK YOU ALL.
  14. by   genhen
    I have a unique perspective. I'm a male, first semester nursing student RN. My wife graduated from the nursing program in Spring of '04. We have two daughters, 6 and 2. My wife started the nursing program on a Monday, she found out she was pregnant on Saturday. This was a huge change. Back then, I was working full time, working my butt off. We were SIC (single income w/children). Our long range plan was too put her through school and then I would go.
    She had talked about easing up and slowing down. At the time, I was not happy. We are both working hard. I didn't want any delay in our plans. Our plan was that we would both be RN's. Financially, we were scraping by and we still are. I was consumed by that she was doing her dream. I want my dream also. To delay this was not good in my mind. It may seem selfish but I am also working hard supporting the family. Taking care of the kids and supplying an income. That part is not selfish. When is it my turn? Can you kinda of see where I was coming from?

    Now.......I'm in the program. It is way hard. My wife is the bread winner. She is supporting me. I totally see how freaking hard it is from this side. I have failed two tests and I have never failed a test in my life. Stress.....I feels very strange not being the provider. It seems like I'm programmed to be the main provider. Maybe that's just a societal influence that I have from my growing up. I am totally dependant on her. It has strengthen us a lot. It is hard right now but we will get through this.

    Me and my wife have a plan. Does your husband have a plan? I mean, you "get" to go to school. What does he "get" to do? I'm not trying to be mean or anything. I'm just trying to get you to maybe take a step back. Try to understand where he is coming from.

    It really takes solid commitment from family to get through school and keep your relationship intact.

    I'm getting ready to pass my first semester. I believe that I will finish. Me and my wife talk about my clinical experience and her work. I'm finally at a level where I can "talk" with her about nursing (shop talk). It is way cool. As a guy and a husband, I have learn to let my wife talk about stuff. A lot of it is feelings and emotions. Guys generally don't get that. But, feelings and emotions will not kill me. See vents and cries and is better. I have done it a few times myself (don't tell anyone, lol). Two things for me that helps is listening to her and changing diapers.

    Anyway, I pray that your situation gets better.

    All nurses, live long and prosper.

    Genhen
    Last edit by genhen on Nov 23, '05

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