I have a unique problem. I have five kids, 22, 20, 19, 17 and 14. My two oldest are off in college, the 19 year old lives with us and goes to college, works part time. The 17 year old is special needs with some psyc issues and other problems and we home school her. The 14 year old is fine. My problem is the 19 year old, almost 20, has always had a horrible temper. Lately he has been calling everyone here every name in the book. He treats us horribly. Today I had to pull him off his 17 year old sister and he was choking her and calling her horrible names, which Iwas there and broke it up or else I am sure the 17 year old may have been killed as it was a horrible fight. We have tried everything to reach this child. Talking, therapy, time outs, grounding which now he is to big for, we have told him his behavior is unacceptable. He said to me it was good I was here today to break up this fist fight/choking or he would have killed her. He said to her if she ever said anything to him again, he would kill her. Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom? I have told my husband I cannot live with the violence and he or I are going to go......I grew up in a physically and mentally abusive home and I just cannot live like that...............anyone have any other ideas I can try?
I am not experienced in these problems but would have to say that some behaviours are just not acceptable. Physically attacking someone weaker is one of them. Punching a hole in the bedroom wall I could tolerate, but he would have to do the repairs.
Is he apologetic between episodes, or does he maintain that the problems are someone else's fault? Where your or your family's safety is in danger he should know that he will have to leave, even if you have to call the police to escort him out, if he hurts or physically threatens anyone in your family again. He is old enough to be accountable for his own actions. Remember too that he is also responsible for his choice of friends- that is not something you can fix, even though it upsets you.
In any case, make your plan and stick to it. I hope things get better.
Renerian, I know you are in a very difficult position, and my heart goes out to you, but please, please, protect the minor kids in your house. My older brother became violent with me when I was around 10, and his behavior continued until I moved out when I was 17. (I learned to fight.) Don't remember where you are, but in most states, 18 is a legal adult. You cannot control you adult son's choices about friends, drugs, etc., and he will make those choices regardless of where he is living. Your responsibility is to the minor children kids living in your home, not to the adult who could have killed you daughter had you not been there at the time to intervene. Get him out of your house before you come home some day to find one of your other kids dead! If you are not comfortable giving him short notice, give him until the end of the semester/quarter to find a place to live. If he has to postpone further schooling to make ends meet, so be it. THAT IS HIS CHOICE, NOT YOURS!!!Your choice is whether to protect the rest of the family from his violence. I apoloize for the length and seeming harshness of this post, but having been on the receiving end of sibling violence, I know firsthand what it is like to have the parent choose to protect the perpetrator rather than the victim.
jemb thanks for replying. I am waiting for hubby to come home. I think he does need another pysc eval and anger management classes. I am pushing for him to leave. He moved out once before. He did not even tell us just pulled up with a moving van. I was crying. Was so hurt he did not even tell us. Now your right, he is a legal adult and my younger children needs are so important to me. I will let you all know how this pans out.
How terrible for you and your family. The anguish you are feeling must be considerable! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
renarian, what your son did today was attempted murder. This went way beyond a temper tantrum. You and your family are in a bit of denial if you continue to minimize his behavior by calling it "temper" or "he's a good boy, but...". He attempted to kill someone today. It is not just "unacceptable," it is extremely dangerous situation that will only get worse if you don't take some extreme actions now.
The tough love that someone else said is very appropriate. Pick up the phone and file a police report. Press charges. It will be the hardest thing you ever do. It will also save someone's life.
If you choose not to do that, as a mother I can understand why, you must start looking at this for what it is. Would you hesitate to tell a renter to get out if he acted this way? Of course not. But, you are allowing the same behavior to continue and esculate because he's your son and I know you love him. But, he's using that love to terrorize your family. Enough is enough.
You and your family need some counseling, too, so you can work through your ambivalence about his behavior vs. your love for him. It's time for a lock-down in a psych hospital, since he has proven himself to be a danger to others; or else he needs to be in jail. There aren't any other options, renarian. Outpatient counseling didn't work.
YOuda thanks for replying. Believe me I am taking it with strong regard. I know I do want to talk with his dad before I do anything. We try to talk things out. Knowing son he won't come home now for a while. When he gets mad he does not call or come home. I think he does have serious problems. I just talked to his dad and he will be home around 9pm for us to discuss what we are going to do. I am and have said for about a year we need to get tough on him. I agree the time for tough love is due. We did seek help for him and for us on trying to deal with him before and I am sure his therapist from before would pick him up again. thank for caring and praying for our family.
I would agree with the other posters about getting him out of your house, but have you considered what he might do if you kicked him out of the house? Would he come back after you, or maybe jsut be a nuicance, slashing tires, breaking windows? I don't even know the answer to this next question myself, but thought I might suggest it anyway...Can you enroll your son in a military school without his consent when he's over the age of 18? Just a thought. Is he still in school (college)? Has a job? Maybe if he's a danger to himself and others, you could send him to a military school... I was going to suggest maybe a drug/alcohol treatment center too. I know those can be really expensive though. His behavior sounds like the classic behavior change associated with drug and/or alcohol abuse. Well, hugs to you, and good luck. Keep us posted on your progress.
I am very sorry to hear your family is in turmoil.
I have a angry teen too but he's younger and has never attempted to hurt any of his family.
If my son did the same, I wouldn't hesitate to drug test him and if he came up positive then it's off to lockdown rehab. If he refused he'd be out that night. I can only advise you as I'd do in the same situation. If he left without the drug test/rehab, I'd call the police and report him. At your sons age, I would give him the option of joining the Armed Forces. So, let him make his own decision, he crossed the line, he has lost his right to live at home and go to college at this point. If college is important then he can choose the military and further his education later. The military may not want him or keep him if his behavior continues but if it is his choice maybe/hopefully he'll straiten out in boot camp.
So son you see your choices are
1. Drug test and go to inpt. rehab if positive. If negative, which I doubt, a psych evaul and meds. I would help him get his own place (if he's a non-drinker and if he is a drinker, then he can find his own way) and he could cont to work and go to school.
2. Move out without the above stipulations = I call the police and file charges.
3. Go into the military.
I want you to know that I have worked with children and teens who are under 18 that have done the following, torched their homes while the family slept, stabbed Dad on Thanksgiving, choked sister with a elec. cord, been involved with gangs and have admitted to shootings and rapes, the list is endless of what troubled and angry kids are capable of doing. I can not stress the importance of protecting yourselves and the minors in the home. Your son has gone too far and there is no turning back and changing what he has done. What he has done is very serious. He needs to be held accountable for his actions. It's a cry for help and hopefully he'll make the right choices as you help him. And, I too agree, that you all need consuling. Especially your daughter. How does she sleep at night?
YIKES flower child...............shivering now........I think the drug test is a good idea. I tried to get him to enlist in the military thinking they could break his attitude but he would not go. Thanks for responding.......
>sniff sniff
I was going to suggest maybe a drug/alcohol treatment center too. I know those can be really expensive though. His behavior sounds like the classic behavior change associated with drug and/or alcohol abuse. Well, hugs to you, and good luck. Keep us posted on your progress.
canoehead, BSN, RN
6,909 Posts
I am not experienced in these problems but would have to say that some behaviours are just not acceptable. Physically attacking someone weaker is one of them. Punching a hole in the bedroom wall I could tolerate, but he would have to do the repairs.
Is he apologetic between episodes, or does he maintain that the problems are someone else's fault? Where your or your family's safety is in danger he should know that he will have to leave, even if you have to call the police to escort him out, if he hurts or physically threatens anyone in your family again. He is old enough to be accountable for his own actions. Remember too that he is also responsible for his choice of friends- that is not something you can fix, even though it upsets you.
In any case, make your plan and stick to it. I hope things get better.