Out With It - page 2

I sat there in library working on one of my many papers and projects that I had due. I was exhausted--exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally; I was done with it. Suddenly, a thought came to my... Read More

  1. by   VickyRN
    wish_me_luck, please tell me more about BPD from your perspective.

    I have always conceptualized this disorder as someone being "stuck" in an early Erickson's stage (Trust/ Mistrust & Autonomy vs Shame & Doubt). That these people have grown up in many ways but in other ways, their personality is stuck in a primal stage of development (ie., the toddler stage). Is this true? I honestly would like to know. Thank you in advance.
  2. by   wish_me_luck
    It is a little of that. I know when I was little, my mom was in the military and so, she had to go to work and we had a babysitter often and also, my dad would go to his work and up into the states (we lived on an island). Then, we moved to the states, and I went to school and then, I went to daycare after. My mom would volunteer when she could at our school though. I started getting in trouble because I would get done with my work, then go around calling the other kids stupid and rolling around on the floor. My parents were having to meet with my teacher quite often (in like first grade) and then, I would get punished (quite often). I got attention from my parents though when doing that. Also, with the punitive punishment, I developed a low self esteem.I did get a dog in elementary school--3rd grade (it was more of my dog because there were two and my brother got one and I got one) and I loved her so much because I got attention and a creature who loved me. The dog got hit by a car and I was devastated. It took years (kind of embarrassing) to get over it. I know the dog got killed, but I guess somewhere in my mind, a creature left me again. In upper elementary (4-6 grades), I would call kids names and was a mean little kid. I didn't ever physically fight someone, but I would scratch people and was more verbally abusive (sorry to say) and say and do things to make people mad because it got attention. I learned from a young age, being bad got attention, being good got really nothing--more of ignoring.

    I started having seizures in middle school. My parents, especially my mom, gave me attention then. In middle school and high school, my parents had marriage problems. My dad had an affair and my parents argued a lot and my brother and dad would get into physical fights and my dad moved out for a while. My parents tried marriage counseling--they like a quick fix, counseling didn't last long because counseling takes time. They did stay together, but I was the therapist, so to speak, for my mom. It was hard to have to hear adult problems and be a teenager dealing with puberty and trying to figure out relationships seeing my parents fight a lot. I had friends at school, but I never saw them after school. It was just my mom, brother, and me most of the time. My mom didn't have friends she hung out with either. It became like a clingy co-dependent relationship.

    I started college and it was nice because I made friends and was more independent than I was before. But, I started having a lot of mental health issues (not just suspected--it was suspected I had BPD when I was 13) and I went in-patient voluntarily, got counseling. Stopped going because my mom didn't think it made me better. I was drinking and it started like everyday I would drink, then it switched to binge drinking. That caused problems--a couple of visits to the ER. I never developed good coping skills. I had suicide attempts, including the one I talked about earlier. The first time I ever thought about killing myself, I was 7 years old. Then, again at 12. They were thoughts, but eventually progressed into attempts in my teenage years and early 20s. I live at home and always have and it can be hard because my parents go back and forth between being supportive and the "go get a job and move out" mentality. I get confused sometimes what they want for me.

    I think between the realization that if I kept at this, I was going to die (people couldn't tell me that, I had to realize that) and the intervention with Board of Nursing/HPMP (I know I have to stay on the straight and narrow, now. Messing up is not an option), I have been forced to and want to work on recovery. I am hoping that I can have a good future and happy life. I do have fleeting moments, like itsmejuli, that I just want to die (when I go by the cemetery, I imagine being dead and how peaceful that could be); but, I also would like a chance at a good life. I am holding out hope and trying to stay busy.
  3. by   wish_me_luck
    I don't know if I conceptualized it that much, Vicky; but, stuff like that leads to BPD.
  4. by   pinkiepieRN
    Quote from wish_me_luck
    I don't know if I conceptualized it that much, Vicky; but, stuff like that leads to BPD.
    I definitely agree with this. It's almost similar to a PTSD response. It's a coping mechanism that just doesn't quite fit or work, almost.
  5. by   wish_me_luck
    It's hard to pin point one stage that a BPD gets stuck in or one event that caused it--more like a train wreck. One event leads to another and another and before long, they are stuck in a pattern that is very unhealthy. Dolce is right.

    But since personality and behavior is not really set in stone until adulthood and even in young adults there's still pliability, if caught early, it can be changed. The older a person gets without intervention, the harder it is to break the habits.
  6. by   brandy1017
    Depression and suicidal thoughts are truly a torment to a person. Stay strong, put your trust in God and your guardian angel, continue therapy and a support group. There is a ancient blessed scapular, not commonly known called The Cross or Brief of St Anthony Scapular that protects one from suicide. If you are curious about it you can learn more via a google search The Brief of St Anthony to learn the history of it and how you could get one.
    Last edit by brandy1017 on May 3, '13
  7. by   multi10
    I'm a nurse. I had a four-year relationship with an intelligent and successful man. About a year and a half into the relationship, he proposed, and we became engaged (went to "Tiffany's" Got the Big Ring"). I moved in with him.

    What had before seemed like his love and concern for me became need and obsession. He called me 5-10 times a day. If I didn't answer he became agitated.

    I loved him. I recognized that he was too possessive. I started to try and figure out why he behaved the way he did. I literally, after living with him, paged through the DSM, trying to figure him out.

    EUREKA!! He's a Borderline. Every characteristic fit.

    BUMMER...there is no treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder.

    (People that are Bipolar take meds every day to manage themselves. People with Depression take meds every day. Borderlines don't think they need meds. He took no meds.)

    When I left him, he stalked me and threatened to kill me. He looked up every person on my cell phone and called them. I had to sue him to keep him, my former fiance, a very successful man, that I loved, away from me.

    Here's my question: Do you have a stable relationship with a husband or significant other to support you, now that you have been diagnosed with BPD?
  8. by   wish_me_luck
    Honestly, I am single...by choice, I might add. Not by choice due to my BPD, but by choice because I want to get my life together before I even consider relationships. I get asked out and "hit on" quite often--I don't pursue a relationship though because while everyone else has the job and the financial stability and are ready for a relationship, I am not. I want to have a job and be stable in all my affairs before I enter another person into the picture. I have done more of the one night stand stuff.

    I am going to be brutally honest in dealing with your post--this is what gives BPD a terrible name. Family members or friends flipping through the DSM and internet and "arm chair psychiatrist" diagnosing people, which may not even have BPD. If he was never formally diagnosed BPD, then he does not formally have it. He can't say I have BPD until a psychiatrist says that. You can think it, but until it is official by a psychiatrist, then do not start spreading stuff like that. My point with this topic is that BPD is treatable--your ignorance is what gives BPD a bad name. BPD is a personality disorder, not a chemical imbalance--you should know that from school. Therefore, many people with BPD do not take meds unless symptomatic--I was on a mood stabilizer and my former psychiatrist took me off with the diagnosis of BPD. Not me, he did it. DBT and counseling is usual treatment with BPD. Works wonderful if you put effort into it.

    Also, just a thought...please change your approach. When you approach something the way you did with your post, you will get a defensive person.
    Last edit by wish_me_luck on May 4, '13
  9. by   wish_me_luck
    Okay, I explained in a PM the thing with stalking. Being honest, I used to have a confidant that I got attached to, emailed several times a day, would get mad when he didn't respond in a timely manner (sometimes calling him very inappropriate names); he eventually ignored me. I got upset and would show places he was at--it was, by definition, stalking. I didn't realize that at the time.

    So, bring it to the person's attention. Do not ignore a person with BPD. Just explain what issues you are having with them and ask them how they feel. To me, I was having anxiety that he was ignoring me and I adored him. What I ended up doing after he ignored me was writing the emails, then, hit "close" and did not send them. I got what I felt and needed to say out, but never sent it. The same with keeping a notebook and writing people letters that people with BPD are irritated with. I get it out, but didn't damage a relationship. A few years went by and then, we did speak again and now that I am diagnosed and treated, I do occasionally talk to him and send him an email and he responds. I don't abuse it though, anymore.

    Bottom line, it is an anxiety issue. Maybe even set aside a time for them that their time with you. If you are busy, explain that to them--ask them what they feel is an acceptable time span to go without responding to them. I had anxiety after an hour, but he was so busy and didn't mean to "ignore" me (that's what I viewed it as, he wasn't ignoring me until it got to a point where it was unhealthy behavior, such as cursing and stuff like that. Then, he purposely ignored me). Get them involved in other activities so they can meet many people and not be so focused on you.
  10. by   multi10
    I know, but, at the time, I was an amateur sleuth in these matters. I ended up suing the man because he put his hands on me, tried to disable my car, and hit me in the face. He was 6'2" and I 5'6". After I left him, he left threatening messages on my work phone which I saved (and later used as evidence against him). I was scared.

    I sued him because he would not leave me alone. We ended up in litigation for a few years. During depositions, it was revealed that, years before, he had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder by his own psychiatrist. The documents were all there, and the psychiatrist was ordered to testify.

    I knew he was, even before we had to go through all the litigation nonsense. Once the ring was on my finger and I moved in with him, he would say, "Get the **** out of my house." So I would flee to a friend's house. Then he would call and beg me to come back because he couldn't live without me.

    He would accuse me of sleeping with anyone who said "Good Morning" to me when we were jogging or riding our bikes.

    Anyway, it was a good ending for me. He refused to show up in court and settled at the eleventh hour. It was a good settlement for me.
    Last edit by dianah on May 5, '13 : Reason: Terms of Service
  11. by   wish_me_luck
    I am not exactly sure what to say to that. I guess it worked out for you in the end and glad everything is better for you now.
  12. by   pinkiepieRN
    Quote from multi10
    BUMMER...there is no treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder.

    (People that are Bipolar take meds every day to manage themselves. People with Depression take meds every day. Borderlines don't think they need meds. He took no meds.)
    There is treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder, from dialectical behavioral therapy to EMDR to skills training groups (see Marsha Linehan and her model of DBT skills). Borderline personality disorder certainly does not exist in a vacuum and medication has been shown to be effective in managing some of the symptoms of any underlying affective or anxiety disorders.

    I'm going to posit this genuine question. While classified in the DSM-IV-TR as a psychiatric disorder, eating disorders are also not particularly treated solely with pharmacological measures. Would you say that "there is no treatment" for an eating disorder? I can almost guarantee that you'd be hard pressed to find someone with anorexia who would *want* to take any of the SSRIs, with weight gain as one of the almost certain side effects. Not to mention that medication alone won't help treat the underlying behaviors and responses to stress, the environment and their self image.

    Psychological therapy and counseling is just as valid a "treatment" as psychopharmacology.
    Last edit by pinkiepieRN on May 5, '13 : Reason: Formatting
  13. by   asher315
    I was in my senior your of nursing school and my plan was sleeping pills. I didn't really want to kill myself, I just wanted to stop the world for awhile so I could start over. But somewhere inside me I knew I needed help. I reached out to a close friend and once she understood what I was saying through my tears, she got me the help. It was a long road and a lot of tears but I am stronger for it.
    You are a brave soul to tell your story and to continue on with your life and your nursing career. Good luck to you always.