Need Advise regarding my highschool girl mentoree

Nurses General Nursing

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Here's the situation: I've been mentoring a highschool girl from my church. She used to babysit for me, and I've more or less known her since she was 4. Her family is very conservative, religious, and she is their youngest of 6 children. She's a great young lady. She plans to go into nursing and this is part of her senior project.

We have gotten together several times and she job shadowed twice. Her presentation is Wednesday which I plan to attend. I really like this girl.

Here's my dilemma. When she first approached me about this, her original plan was to move to another part of our state near her oldest sister and go to State University. Then, a few months later she confided in me that she now plans to enter ROTC and apply to a very expensive, private, religiously affiliated and prestigeous university. She would go to nursing school and then be obligated to serve in the military.

I hope no one here feels insulted, but I'm opposed to this. I would never want one of my daughters to enter the military. I was totally opposed to the war in Iraq and I don't want this beautiful girl to go there. Personally, I think she's been brainwashed by her arch conservative family, who are pro war in Iraq. They are blue collar people who own a decent home and are middle class, but have a large family and definately don't have the means or inclination to send this girl to this pricey university. However, I do think they would like her to go there because it is an enormous status symbol in my church to send a child to this university.

I discussed this with the pastor here, who is also against the Iraq war, so sympathetic. He advised that it would be good if I gently brought up my opinion that it isn't the only option. So, now that the official mentoring is drawing to a close, I want to gently bring up this subject.

My first point is that, I don't think there's any advantage to going to a high priced university for a nursing degree. I also don't think she realizes the reality of the commitment. She has discussed with me how she thinks children are better off with mothers at home when they are small. What if she gets married while she is in the service and has a child? She will be at the beck and call of the Armed Forces and will very likely be sent to Iraq! One thing I've emphasized is how flexible nursing is for parents!

So, I want to present some other funding options, with the suggestion that it is not in her best interests to try to obtain a nursing degree from an expensive private university, but get grants and loans and go to a State University. Maybe someone can give me a clue how to present this to my young friend, so at least I will have made her aware of her options.

Specializes in ICU, currently in Anesthesia School.
You make some excellent points. I think I'll approach this from the stand point that she needs to plan around this commitment. She hasn't had a boyfriend or experienced the overwhelming intoxication of falling in love and how that affects a persons mind by making them irrational, so I'm worried that she'll be stuck in the military and not have personal choices.

I guess I see nursing as a flexible career around which a woman can construct a reasonable plan for childrearing and make great money while doing something positive.

She will be surrounded by some of the most fit men in the world. She will learn to say no to some pretty boys. If she manages to fall in love, I think she will better prepared for the "irrationality". Besides, the military and women of today are far different than what your impression may be from previous era's gone by. The most recent surgeon general of the army was a married woman with children. (And a Nurse!!;))

I am not trying to critique you, it is that your original post was very strong in some misinformed opinions. You will not be wrong to simply care and support this girl no matter what decision she makes. Error will come in providing a strong opionion not based in fact. That is where I think alot of us want to make sure you are fully informed, your advice matters to this girl and I do not want a misinformed opinion to possibly steer her away from a valid option that could positively affect her life.

You can not protect her from the horrors of anything if she chooses to take any path. You can only offer her options and opinions if she asks. While it is not a very safe time to go into the military now, she just might choose to do so, no matter what anybody tells her. That is her choice. She can meet Mr. Right, the drug dealer on the next corner, marry him, and start a life of woe. Mr. Right is not necessarily in the military. Nobody can really stop her from a bad decision concerning Mr. Right. Any decision about anything in her life is now hers. She must deal with the consequences, good, bad, or neutral. I appreciate your concern for her well being. More young people should have an adult who shows any interest in them. She is a very lucky girl and probably is not aware of it.

My daughter decided to join the Army shortly after graduation. I was not pleased, but she was an adult and I respected her decision. I did insist that she speak with my brother, my father, and her grandfather before signing. They, like most every man in my family, had served; my father had been Army, my brother was career AF and her grandfather was career navy. My brother and her grandfather had also served during wartime. I asked them not to sugar-coat anything. They were straight with her, and she went into it with her eyes wide open. Once I was satisfied she understood the downside and risks involved and wasn't just swayed by those romantic TV commercials, I was ok with her decision.

It was probably the best thing she could have done; she came out of that experience an amazingly self-assured, mature young woman. I was so proud of her and what she accomplished. Her schooling was paid for in full. She has her master's and is a social worker for children with special needs. She is also now a vehemently anti-war liberal (more so than I am lol).

My suggestion to the girl is this: if she wants a religious education, to make sure she's actually going to get one at that school. I chose a prestigious, much more expensive Catholic university for my accelerated BSN over a state school and another more prestigious less expensive private school that had close ties with Planned Parenthood (I'm opposed to abortion.)

It turns out in my program, many of my instructors are opposed to the teachings of the Church, and others are neutral, and none of them have an accurate understanding of the teachings either. Since I'm not getting any Catholic medical/nursing ethics there, I'd just as soon have saved my money and gone to the state school.

The girl should visit the school extensively, talk to members of the student group for her faith, talk to faculty, talk to nursing students if there are any there, talk to the student pro-life group if that's her belief. Talk to the ROTC students.

College is a time of huge change. She may change some of her beliefs; she may change her career plans. So not binding herself to a particular future before she starts may be wise. On the other hand, some people, especially those who go into the military, KNOW what they want to do at a young age, are determined on it, feel a call to service and have a realistic understanding of the risks.

So she should talk to lots of people at the university, her parents, siblings, you, her pastor...a military nurse if she can, and pray for discernment. It's her life and her decision and just as if she were a patient, you can only help her get all the information she should have.

XB9S, of course you can leave the military after you have served your commitment, although if there's a major war on and they need you, they WILL keep you. I have several family members who served in the military. Most career, but my cousin was a chaplain for about eight years, had 3 babies during that time (stay at home husband) and left when they wanted a more settled life and her last commitment was over.

I hate that 18 year olds are even allowed to sign their lives away by joining the military, in return for the promise of free tuition, signing bonuses and other seemingly lucrative at the time payouts. Teenagers are by nature short-sighted, and they still think of themselves as invincible. Then again, if a youngster is more mature than most, they can at least get a free education out of enlisting in ROTC, go abroad as an officer, and possibly turn this into a career. She needs to explore both her reasons for wanting to attend this particular college and whether or not she actually wants a military career. She's only 18 (17?) and also may change her mind about nursing - most young people change can expect to change careers several times, and she hasn't even started. She won't be hurt by attending a private college for a nursing or any other degree, unless the debt she takes on in the form of military service is too great in terms of risk and sacrificed time and options in life.

OP though - I'm not sure who is more conservative here - your "arch conservative" family friends, or someone who is opposed to women serving in the military. Also, I would never recommend that anyone get married before at least their mid-20s (not that some people who married young don't have great long-lasting relationships, but it's back to my feeling that people barely out of high school shouldn't really be making lifetime commitments). Maybe it's just me who was immature at 18, but so was everyone else I knew then.

Specializes in LTC, Med/Surg, Peds, ICU, Tele.

Lots of valuable imput here, I'm glad I started this thread! Thanks!

Specializes in Advanced Practice, surgery.
XB9S, of course you can leave the military after you have served your commitment, although if there's a major war on and they need you, they WILL keep you. I have several family members who served in the military. Most career, but my cousin was a chaplain for about eight years, had 3 babies during that time (stay at home husband) and left when they wanted a more settled life and her last commitment was over.

Thankyou, the reason I ask is because like you I have family who have served in the UK forces, however if a women falls pregnant or has children then they always have the option to leave in the best interests of the children, I was just trying to gain an understanding of the differences within the US forces

Encourage her to join Navy ROTC. Our nurses are far superior to all the other branches, and the civilian world.

Many of them fall in love and have babies. They don't deploy while pregnant or when their kids are infants, and often by then their four years of commitment is up and they can get out, if they so choose. It's far from a bad life.

Personally growing up in the military I hated it and I want nothing to do with the armed services. It is a great and honorable sacrifice she is making and I commend her for that. However, until you have lived that life you don't know if it's for you. The best way to learn is through real world experience and she'll learn a lot about life in the armed forces. Hopefully her world will be expanded and she'll gain indepdence from her family, since it sounds like she needs it. This might actually be a way to overcome the "brainwashing" . However I would discuss your concerns with her and provide her with as much information as I could. In the end though it's her own choice.

In my case my father was absent a great deal. Not by choice but because of his duties as an officer in the US Army. I can't tell you how painful it was to have my father be so far away to have him miss my "big" moments. It made the times he was there even more special.

Thanks. That's why I've kept my mouth shut up until now. I just want her to think through all her options and get some imput from somewhere other that her parents' arch conservative circle. I have a lot of respect for her family, by the way, but I would like to give this give another perspective.

I think my biggest worry is that she will meet Mr Right, marry, get pregnant and then not have the freedom to raise her baby herself, but possibly have to endure a harsh separation.

My second concern is I want to protect her from the horrors of war and the possiblity of being blown to bits by a roadside bomb.

I understand your concern. You are pretending to have a crystal ball. You do not. You really have no clue what will happen. Stop projecting your own imaginings on to her future. They truly are imaginings. I could easily counter your fantasy with possible positive outcomes for this and very negative outcomes from following a different course. Like you I would just be imagining.

Military service is not all bad. There is indeed a lot to be said for it. As well as the bad. You do not even know what will happen on her way to entering the service. It might never happen for a variety of reasons.

You are making an assumption that by the time she has to serve that we will be at war and she will go into a war zone. Not an assumption you can or even should make.

Specializes in LTC, Med/Surg, Peds, ICU, Tele.

My mentoree and her mom came over today to take our picture together for the presentation on Wednesday. I feel really good about the whole thing. Her mom was effusive in her praise, telling me how her daughter just thought I was the best mentor, because I had really told it like it is. My mentoree and I really had had a great time while she job shadowed, we even bonded over a code brown. Also, I had been able to give her a realistic grasp of some end of life issues that she would face, plus a lot of other things.

I came away from today feeling that Mom is being very supportive and giving her room to make her own decisions.

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