I have just completed the most hellish evening of work I have ever done in my years of nursing. I went of the deep end, and I am feeling just totally disgusted with myself, I dont even know if disgusted it the right word, but I thought I had better come here and vent in the only place where I can find people who might understand. I am just sick and beside myself.
I will give you all the scene.
I go to work at the same facility I have been assigned to for the last three months...long term care. I am in a good mood despite the fact that I have learned that I will be working with a nurse that I really cant stand....we will call her "Bertha".
I have never worked alongside "bertha" , she normally works 11-7 and relieves me, she is also an agency nurse. I have little tolerance for her because she annoys me....she talks to much about crap I dont care about, and very often feels the need to ask questions during report that are irrelevant and will get snippy when you get annoyed with her, or feels the need to disagree with you on some point .......usually an irrelevant point. She is the nurse that works night turn because she cant hang on the other shifts.......she works agency because she cant hang on to a permanent assignment.....you know the type. She feels she knows it all, and yet has managed to be fired from several positions and is stupid enough to tell you about it. Always putting her two cents in when usually her two cents isnt worth two cents. She is nice, friendly, but annoying as all hell. I for some reason have very little tolerance for her.
Now , I gave ya the low down on Bertha. It is me and Bertha and yet another agency nurse working the floor. I hate it when the whole floor is staffed agency....its not fun, just another thing to cause me stress. The other nurse...we will call her "Sally", is newer to the facility and is not overly familiar with the in's and outs nor the patients. I know I have my work cut out for me.
All goes suprisingly well thoughout the evening, Bertha only manages to annoy me once early on in the shift by putting her nose up my ass. It was a minor annoyance, and it annoyed me more than it should of. I have had a quiet night, only one problem with a brittle diabetic resolved early on, and spend most of my night avoiding bertha and giving some TLC to my patients who have been somewhat neglected by the CNA who is finishing up her third double in a row and obviously has no desire to attend to the residents anylonger, so I have spent most of my evening filling pitchers and getting people comfy and settled in for the night which is fine by me and it makes me happy to do so, yet in the back of my mind I am slightly annoyed that CNA's are allowed to work so many consecutive doubles. Many seem to love this, they bust ass for two or three days and have the rest of the week off, though latley I have encountered many that choose not to but thier asses and cry about how tired they are while they spend their paychecks on their many days off.....this could be a whole other thread.
Anywho! on to my nightmare, it is the end of the night, and one of Sallys residents makes his way up to the desk and begins to ***** because he never got his meds.....this is his game, he does this all the time especially when he doesnt know the nurse...he thinks he can get away with it but we are on to him. He is nuts, aaox3, but nuts, likes to cause a fuss now and again. I tell him that yes sally gave him his meds he disagrees and starts calling us stupid and other names and what nots, hollering and fussing. I tell him repeatedly to file a complaint in the office in the morning and go to bed there is nothing he can do about it now and his name calling and rudeness arent appropriate. This goes on for about ten minutes...he bellows I tell him to go to bed. Then he puts the icing on the cake and calls sally a stupid "N" word.
I have had it and make my first mistake of the evening.
The guy is in a wheelchair and cant walk so I go behind him to wheel him back to his room because I have now heard enough.
I get behind him and start wheeling and he starts yelling and grabbing at me...this is no big deal to me and I continue to wheel him off.
BERTHA decides he should be left there, and is now yelling at me to leave him be. I am angered by this and ignoring her, I continue to take him back to his room. BERTHA decides she is now going to try and prevent me from doing so and comes around the desk and down the hall....and holds down his chair continuing to yell at me to leave him be........This is where I completley snap out and behave in a manor that is so unlike me it is frightning.
I actually grab Bertha by the arm with a death grip and glare at her ....I am trying to stare her to death. She naturally tells me to let go of her arm.....and I look at her and say......and I am so ashamed to admit that I said this......I say "back off or I may beat the **** out of you". Clearly I have flipped my lid. She looks at me in shock, I let go of her arm and she heads for the phone naturally and calls the supervisor who is not in the facility but lives a block away.
I continue to take Mr. Nasty back to his room and he, as I knew he would, brings himself back out into the hall but keeps his mouth shut for the rest of the night.
I head off the floor to take in a smoke cause I desperatly need one at this point. I happen to run into some CNA"S outside that overheard Bertha on the phone with the supervisor. They told me that they could tell that the supervisor couldnt believe what bertha was telling her and they asked me if it was true...did I infact say that to her.......I regretfully admitted that I had said what I said. I still cant believe I did that.
I will be waiting for my phone to ring tomorrow....the agency will be calling I suspect. Although this dear Bertha is good for making many unfounded complaints, perhaps this one shall be blown off....I dunno. All I know is I wigged out tonight and I cant figure out why. I have never snapped on anyone like that in my life, I sit here wondering if I should call her and apologize....she is working a double.....pr would it make matters worse.....she could end up talking endlessly to me on the phone and piss me off all over again.
I dunno, I just know that I wont find sleep tonight as for I will be trying to convince myself that I am not insane and dont need mental help.
The thing that initiated my snap was the relentless verbal assault launched on myself and the staff by a resident. I tend to wonder, where it is that the line gets drawn. How much do we as nurses have to take from families and patients? Was it so terribly wrong for me to remove that man from the nurses station or should I have left him rant and make obscene comments at us all night? Shoudl I have beat the **** out of Bertha anyway?
Someone out there give me some words of wisdom....I am hoping that one of you can tell me that I am not alone in my snapdom...that others have momentarily snapped as well and went onward.....no problem. We all snap out on occasion right? Perhaps I need to snap out more often?