Divorce And Affairs????

  1. I was wondering all of you nurses out there, does it seem that your relationship is stressed being in this field? I have read many topics having to do with divorce here and was wondering if this is a problem? I'm married with two young (6,7) kids, I'm getting ready to start school in the fall, and along with all of the other stresses in my life, I'm adding on going to school into the mix of things. I've been with my husband for 12 years, and we have had many, many stresses in our relationship before, but it seems like it just keeps getting worse. Many nurses I have spoken to are divorced, and I'm starting to get concerned about it......
    Please let me know if this is a trend in nursing...
  2. Visit rachaelm4 profile page

    About rachaelm4, ADN

    Joined: Jan '02; Posts: 51; Likes: 4
    Specialty: 12 year(s) of experience in Psychiatric, hospice


  3. by   BugRN
    Not sure if it's a trend, but think about it, you're entering a world all it's own. You will work when others aren't, you will sleep when other's are up and about. You will eat at different times. Not to mention the holidays and weekends you will miss. These all take a toll on a marriage. (I am now seperated too, hubby hated my hours and long commute time). Need an understanding mate and family to survive nursing. Good Luck!!
  4. by   live4today
    Hubby #1 split the scene shortly after I graduated from college. He couldn't handle being married to a nurse. Truth of the matter? He couldn't live with me after knowing he was cheating on our marriage vows the entire time I was busy pursuing a career for myself. He hated hospitals, and didn't want me to have my own money. He was also afraid that I would leave him for a doctor. Excuse me a minute while I finish my tearful laughs...:chuckle :roll :chuckle Thanks for your patience!

    If your marriage is meant to survive, it will. If it isn't meant to survive, it won't. People make decisions based on their own insecurities, therefore, if a marriage is suffering in any way, don't blame it on outside forces. The outside forces may add a synergistic effect to the already existing marital drama, but they will not end a love relationship that is mature, strong within itself, and has two people who are individually strong enough to get through anything. It would be great if one's spouse could lend their support to their spouse's endeavors in life, but that isn't always the case, as many divorced nurses (or other people) can share with you.

    You mention already having some marital discord, so why not handle that business before adding more stress to your homelife? If your spouse is going to "walk", there is really nothing you can do but wish him well, then go on with your life.

    Some people come into our lives for a reason, some for a season, and some for a lifetime. Only your spouse and you know why you are in each other's lives to begin with. I'll be praying for you, your family, and the choices you make together for the benefit of all involved. Remember: Divorce is worse than death, especially if there are children involved -- as you have. (((HUGS))) and :kiss
  5. by   nursedawn67
    People have survived nursing school and marriage, just takes work. You have to be able to say "no" to some schoolwork and jobs just for some "together" time. Go out for dinner, watch that movie together. Let the kids know that they DO have to SHARE you with daddy and that you two need some time together. Believe me you will make it, if it's meant to be. Take care.
  6. by   Teshiee
    Renee you are the bomb! Spoken like a true coinesseur of great knowledge. I notice a trend with some nurses that we are the breadwinners and the stress can takes it toll. I love my husband dearly but he tries to control the situation. My work schedule, my endeavors the whole nine yards. I blew a gasket on the way from work! I told him enough! I simply laid down the law with MY life if it is a problem feel free to leave! Nursing is hard enough than having a spouse trying to control you makes me sick. Thank goodness we don't have any kids.
  7. by   wrightgd
    Renee... great post...

    Divorce is not a pretty picture, no matter what the circumstances surrounding it... and life is already full of stresses and pressures, that we usually heap upon ourselves (or at least add to)... Why deal with a new stress, until you have faced up to the already existing issues?

    Rachaelm4, you have already made a "nursing assessment" of your life's situation, so I think the next step for you is to prioritize how you are going to "care for" your life...

    What's important here? If it's your family and your marriage, then give it all you have to "fix" things in your marriage. That doesn't mean "fix" him or "fix" you. It means find the root causes of the troubles, and address them. Maybe things can be straightened out, maybe they can't...

    I'm not sure it is a wise choice to add to the stress level before you get your personal relationships in order.

    I wish you all the best, no matter the outcome. I will pray for you and your family, that whatever happens, it will be for the best.

  8. by   mario_ragucci
    Hey Rachael, I dated a woman, three years ago, who was taking nursing prereq's (chem). She wanted to "zip" and "unzip" our dates like they were a computer file. She had kids too, a single mom. Boy, I didn't like it one bit. She was extremely tense, almost manic. But I really fell for her, because she was attractive. Her interest in me didn't go far beyond Mario.zip, and her "double-clicks" insulted me after awhile.

    I have been going non-stop with nursing prereq's for 18 months. I've been single the whole time, and have enjoyed gaining knowledge. I have been taking 12-16 credit quarters (fin aid...loans), but now I am in the RN program (starting in Fall), and cast my own shadow now! The nursing classes will be easy, I believe, because they are only 9 credits worth. I all ready learned all the algebra I might ever need. If I don't get a full time job at the hospital with my brand new CNA license for Spring, I'll go ahead with the upper level chem and psyh classes....for fun. By Summer, I hope to have that great big CNA hospital job in the sky, and keep it part time when RN classes start :-)

    I couldn't have done this if it wasn't for the constant support and dedication of Mario :-) Honestly.

    Divorce...I hear about it all the time. Some may say I got no business offering advice to you as a dude who has never been married. But I tell you, YOU CAN DO THIS IF YOU WANT. Yule hafta come up with more love than you might imagine yourself having. Love is infinate, so reach, and keep on reaching. Translate love into what you need to complete YOUR ambitions. Try to filter out information that is useless, and plug in stuff that is useful. Lucky you, you have other bodies to practice vitals on! Your all ready at work caring for loving people; I have to wait to be hired first. Your ahead of the game!

    Renee Williams hit everything pertaining to marriage on the head, with a sledgehammer :-)
  9. by   JMP
    Back in the 80's when I became a LPN, hubby # 1 made it clear that he would NOT support the idea. We had two kids, and I worked my BUTT off to please him, make meals, take care of the kids etc. After my first semester, I got sick. Not a big deal, but I missed a week of school, WHICH WAS a big deal. His reponse......."I knew you would never be able to do this!". Well, that was all the incentive I needed. I passed, was on the dean's list and well, we where divorced the next year. It was tough. BUT the problems where there long before I went back to school.

    Fast forward to four years ago. I am remarried. Kids older, last one in university. New husband ENCOURAGED and SUPPORTED my decision to get my RN. He and I are partners in life. We have supported each other. Sure, there are some bumps along the way. MARRIAGE IS COMPRISE. If you can COMPRISE you can stay married.

    Marriage is also WORK. If you are ready to work hard, stay commited and not always look for the easy way out, marriage is WONDERFUL.

    ALways remember, however, that if a marriage DOES NOT WORK out, it is not the end of your life. Everything we do is a choice. SOme of us make better choices, more often than others.

    Hubby number one is also remarried- to another RN and they have a second family. He rarely has much to do with our kids. He resents every penny he has to pay. He has turned into a bitter, resentful man. But, then that is another story.
  10. by   JMP
    Again, Mario........ talking about something you have no experience in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST KIDDING!! :-)
  11. by   JMP
    I had better make sure........Mario really, I was having some fun after I read your post. I was just kidding. REALLY!
  12. by   live4today
    Hi JMP,

    Your first spouse sounds so much like my first spouse...the coward that he is.

    My second husband is also very supportive of whatever I want to do with my life. He is also a nurse, so we understand each other better than hubby #1 who was a 'General Motor's Corporate Man'. He also told me that I would never finish college, let alone become a nurse. He was so sure of it that he told me he would take me to Hawaii if I graduated. He even put it in writing. I not only graduated with flying colors, my trip to Hawaii was paid for by a Travel Nursing Company as I went there on a travel nurse assignment five months after our divorce. He couldn't believe it, either! He didn't believe my youngest daughter when she called him from Hawaii and told him we were living there, so he made her give him the phone number where we were living. As soon as she hung up the phone, he called back...much to his disbelief. He said, "Let me talk to your mother." I got on the phone, and he said, "I never believed you could do without me." I said, There are a lot of things you didn't believe in when we were married, but thank God I no longer have to care what you believe in or not. Have a nice life, coward! (and I laughed as I hung up the phone) Today, he and I talk in a "friendly" way with one another. He obviously misses me a lot more than I have ever missed him, but then...it was him who left me and the kids.
    What goes around, comes around, eh?
    Last edit by live4today on Mar 21, '02
  13. by   JMP
    Yes Renee, living well with success is so sweet. I love it!
  14. by   SICU Queen
    School is a HUGE stress on a marriage. Hubby #1 and I separated during my second clinical semester and later divorced.

    Hubby #2 is in his third clinical semester (he's an LPN now) and we split up during his second semester. We have reconciled to a certain extent (we live next door to each other, don't laugh, it works for now ) and are in counseling. We are both very hopeful for our future together and realize that the stress of him going to school set us over the edge, but it's been a long road.

    School can be very rewarding, but it is also LOTS of work, and NOT as easy as Mario might think. (But yes Mario, it's FUN too.) Keep the communication channels open wide, and try to make sure your husband understands the time commitment that you'll have to put into schoolwork. It can be a lot at times. Assure him too, though, that it's for a finite time and soon you'll both be enjoying the financial rewards.

    Good luck...