Bizarre Reactions to Death

Enabled · Dec 24, 2002

I recall two incidences. The first the patient said she did not want her husband there when she passed. She had terminal Ca. Well, they didn't have any children. He was an avid golfer and he left without realizing what was happening as she had requested. He had a tee time and just about the time he arrived and got to the tee she had passed. She did not want him to go through seeing her so bad. She really taught me a lot about living and dying Thanks Betty. I had a second patient who was really on the edge and just as she passed a family member screamed and it was enough to arouse for another few days. The family barred this member on the day she did pass so as not to prolong her suffering from an ungrateful offspring.

suenurse54 · Jan 4, 2003

Originally posted by JeannieM
This is a fascinating thread! Actually, one of the most bizarre reactions to death was my own, when my mother died suddenly, but not completely unexpectedly, of an MI. I was in graduate school at the time, and I received the call one morning a week before finals. My response:
1. I called my sister and informed her (she lives over a thousand miles away).
2. I e-mailed all of my professors and my study group, asking them to get me notes for the classes I might miss.
3. I called my husband at work. He came home and helped me pack.
4. I drove to the town where she had died, arranged the funeral, saw a lawyer to help clear up the estate, assumed executor role, and with my sister, who was pretty upset, and our families, sorted through Mom's house and possessions. (We get along great; there wasn't any fighting over Mom's things).
5. I finished up what had to be done, went back, only missed one class and took finals.
Six months later, I unexpectedly burst into tears in the middle of a Walmart when I saw something Mom would have loved to have. I'm sure that at the time everyone thought I was the most cold-blooded daughter they'd ever seen. I have no idea what happened; I just went into auto-pilot. I couldn't even cry at the funeral!
So bizarre responses to death? Families themselves probably couldn't explain them. I know I couldn't explain my own. JeannieM

This reaction is post traumatic stress syndrome. It is seen quite often in people who, for whatever reason, are unable to grieve at the time. You think you are doing great at the time but it really isn't healthy. Not that you did anything wrong. You just did your grieving 6 months later. Hope you are doing well now.

Sue

RNFROG3, BSN, RN · Jan 4, 2003

I had amentor thru Nursing school named Nancy she was a CPT in the army with me in Desert Storm and had to be evaced back due to a heart attack. When I started school every drill(once a month) she'd ask me about my studies , help me with any problems, tell me pittfalls she had during school and always encourage me. She missed 3 drills and on the 4th we were informed she passed away from leukemia. She never had told us. Well on the way home the song by Boys to men and Mariah Carey came on about "see you in Heaven" can't remember the name of the silly song but it was the first time I'd heard it. I got to hear it 3 more times on the way home and each time it got me bawling so hard I had to pull over. It still can get me teary 7 yrs later but I try to remember how wonderful she was and what a gift she gave me.

Katana · Jan 4, 2003

The two that I remember fondly:

We have a monestary here and one of the Brothers was in our hospital and was dying. Very calmly one of them came to the nurses station and said, "I believe that Brother has passed." I went in for the usual checks and he was no longer with us. I explained that my word wasn't official and that the Dr would do the final pronouncement. After this was done and after we had prepared the body for the viewing of the other Brothers who came in the most beautiful voices floated out of that room. Gregorian Chant type male voices. Other patients on the unit commented on how beautiful the sound was.

The second one was a mother dying. Both her daughters were at her bedside. Very worried and hovering. Constantly asking if their Mother was in pain, why was it taking so long for her to die, or if there was anything that they could do. I medicated their Mother but then took both daughters out of the room for a short time and asked, "You both know that your Mother is dying but have you ever told her that the two of you would be okay and that it was fine for her to pass on and that she didn't have to worry about them because they had eachother for support." They looked at me sorta stunned. I explained that some parents worry about their children and how they will be after they are gone and this can slow them from passing.

Both looked at me and smiled then went in and talked with their Mom... explaining that they were both going to be okay and that it was okay for Mom to let go and leave the pain in her body.

About 2 hours later, the daughters came up to the nurses station and asked for me.... I went in and there Mom had died. Both daughters were crying yet smiling sad but gentle smiles, too. They looked at me and said, "Look, you were right! Look at how peaceful she is!! She's no longer in pain. We never thought she was hanging on for us!"

Yes, I've had the same deaths on the unit where family haven't seen their "loved one" in years but all come out of the woodwork as soon as death is imenent. Too bad they didn't want to see the person alive.

Then you also have the patients who want to be DNR but who's children come in and rescend the order or talk their parents out of it. They aren't the ones suffering the pain.... they are the one suffering the loss of a loved one that they are not ready to let go no matter what.

The longer we are in nursing the more different deaths we will all experience both the good and the bad.

Kat

rncountry · Jan 4, 2003

The second patient I ever had die was a lung CA terminal patient. Came in comatose, so she could not tell us what she wanted. Two daughters, one wants DNR, the other wants us to do everything. They are the only children, husband has passed away several years ago. All day long I am trying to get them to agree to something. The one who wants everything is doing the rosary as quick and often as she can, the other one is swearing about the Catholic church.

Time comes when mom quits breathing, I call the code, nothing in writing for no code. I am a 2 months out of school RN and shaking like a leaf. As I start CPR, the one sister grabs me and tells me she will beat my ass if I touch her mother again, the other sister grabs my other arm and threatens me if I don't. By this time the code team from ICU is there, who come to a screeching halt while they watch me get hanked between the two, couldn't have lasted more than 3 seconds while they stood there, but to me it was an eternity. The doc comes in yells at the two sisters to get their hands off me, I flee the room and ask the ward clerk to please call the priest or a nun or whatever. This is in a little bitty 60 bed Catholic hospital. I didn't need to ask because just as I get the request out of my mouth here comes the nun. I'm blabbering away trying to explain what is happening, she brushed me aside, walked into the patients room and took charge of the two sisters, who she apparently knew. After speaking to the sister with the rosary, she agreed to have the code stopped. The whole thing couldn't have lasted more than 5 minutes.

I went into the bathroom and had a good cry.

ShortFuse_LPN, LPN · Jan 4, 2003

I work in LTC so I deal with death quite often. A few weeks ago, One of our res. was dying , her children where there all day with her. Around 7 pm the daughter comes in and asks me...How much longer will mother live? I reply that I cannot give an answer to that because I just don't know. She asks if she should go home. I explain to her that some families stay, some leave, it's just a personal decision. She and her brother stay about an hour longer (8:30 pm). As I am walking past the room I realize that I can no longer hear her breathing (had labored breathing audible in hallway during my shift), this is 8:45pm. She had passed. When I called the family the daughter was upset because she left. I gently explained that sometimes the dying will wait til family leaves or gives permission before dying. She got really angery and said..."are you saying it's my fault she died because I went home?!?" Guess some ppl don't understand the concept that someone will hold on for their family.

DIPLOMATICRN4HIRE, MSN, RN · Jan 4, 2003

The strangest reaction to death was when My mother passed away from Ovarian cancer. She was very quiet hours before and you could tell she was nearing the end of her time. We had been waiting for my brother to arrive , the room was very quiet there were many aunts and her sister in the room with me. I just held her hand and layed my head on her bed (I was 19 at the time) Within an hour my brother had arrived. I would say within 30 minutes my mother was awake alert and oriented. She started laughing with the family and communicating her wishes to each and every family member there. She had even mentioned how wonderful it was that all 3 of her children were there.(My middle brother died when I was 10) Well that freaked one of my aunts out, BIG TIME...... within a few minutes of expressing her wishes and telling all that she wanted to say, she closed her eyes and took her last breath as my brother held one hand and I held the other. Both of us sobbing but agreeing with what was happening. Next thing I know My great aunt was flipping out.... Literally bouncing off the walls, speaking in tounges, and trying everything to "Bring the spirit " back to the body.... Well in doing that the Nursing staff immediately removed her... the Dr that was one the floor at the time gave a nice little vitamin V... I had never in my life seen anything like that and it scared me more than the

death itself.. Knowing what I know now, I can understand what she was doing it was her way of not letting go... I cant blame her... I didnt want to let go either.

The Dr and the Nurses came in and settled everyone down, and allowed us time to spend peacefully with my mother. From that experience I became a Nurse.

Zoe

mother/babyRN, RN · Jan 5, 2003

When I was sort of new in delivery we had a series of infant deaths. We had at least 3 in two months and I happened to be on for all of them. With the first one the mother was a psychotic person whose boyfriend had hung himself. She came in to the unit in labor and we heard no fetal heart tones. Thus we had to induce labor. It didn't work. Finally, we had to give conscious sedation and it still didn't knock her out. The baby came out and it's skull fell apart because it was so macerated. Everyone in the room except me was crying. I sort of felt distant from the whole experience and it bothered me that it hadn't affected me.

A year or so later, I had a baby die on the way down to the OR. That is, we lost the heart rate, and sectioned a beautiful baby girl who we could not revive. I held the baby, wrapped her , stayed with her and the parents, and still didn't cry...Two months after that, I was on during another sad situation, and one of the older nurses came up to me and asked that I give her the expired infant. I told her I was fine ( I really thought I was), and refused. She grabbed me, gave me a huge hug, and gently took the baby from me. I collapsed in tears. They had to take me to a private room because the grieving she started wasn't just for that baby, but for all the others I had seen and not yet reacted to....

debyan · Jan 5, 2003

Mother/babyRN how strong and brave you are those sound like hard experiences((())) I have worked in LTC but mostly with severely disabled children. I sincerely feel that the soul is set free of the limitations that the body has given it and these children are at peace. This is how I handle it, still I will cry. I have been lucky in not having seen so many violent reactions.

The wailing and falling to the floor type reaction though is familiar my husband's family is this way. I was shocked the first time I went with him to a funeral. We are quiet and very formal in my family.

When my father died I had flown back to Ohio and drove to the Cleveland Clinic where he was, still alive. My mom was at a loss

the doctors showed me some of the test results and radiology results showing me where his valve was not working properlly and how almost totally his arteries were clogged. It was not good

it was awful he had had 2 bypasses and at 65 was to old for a new heart . My mother wanted words of hope and the reality well stunk. Mom and Dad decided he would go home and face what was left there, Mom decided to drive Dad home, home health was to deliver a Oxygen concetrator and I would stay there with them to hellp I have 4 sisters who could help and a brother too. Well mom took off driving home like a bat out of he**, it was a wonder he even survived the ride home. The next day was spent listening to the two of them talking about how they would change his diet, exercise,ect and everything would be alright.This in itself about killed me, I felt so, well, like they expected me to be able to change what was about to happen. The next day I was sitting talking to my dad in the living room, just talking looking out into the front lawn it seemed that mom and him were going to see another doctor to see if he could do anything something about a valve replacement fron a pig, no bs. So we went to Aultman in Canton Ohio where they did some tests on him and told us pretty much that the outlook was poor that even if they tried this procedure that he may loose the abilities he still had, at this time he was still ambulatory and able to care for himself just weak, and on oxygen. Mom wantd so much for there to be a chance and wanted me to tell her it would be alright. We told dad we had to go over to my sisters home and talk, about 10 min from the hospital. well just as we got to her home ,the hospital called, he died. My eyes are watering up just thinking about this, when we got there he looked so peaceful maybe he was waiting so mom wouldn't see him go. I know when the minister tried to tell me that he was in a better place I told him WTF are you talkng about there is no better place than home with us. Even after seeing death in my work it hadn't made me tready for the force of my emotions. Here I am rambling . deb

Gromit · Jan 5, 2003

well, I dont considder my 'odd' experience to be bizzare. But back towards the end of my career as a paramedic, we went to an early-morning 'non-breather', and upon arriving, the elderly gentleman opened the door to his house, lead us to his bedroom, and exited to wait in the dining room. His wife had passed away some hours earlier. So we went to the dining room to wait for the officer to arrive and take over (standard procedure in that county. Police called and made all the arrangements for the family, as required or requested).

Well, within 1/2 hr, the living room began to fill up with neighbors and "friends". They came in (not knocking) and gathered, loudly talking about the newly departed, how "she hadn't been feeling too well lately" and "she should have seen her doctor!" but not one of them went to talk to their friend, to offer aid and comfort or anything else.

>I

I felt very bad for him, and considder to this day (some 10 yrs later) his 'friends' to be incredibly rude. I pray my friends are truer than that. I did find it a bit disturbing.

Gromit · Jan 5, 2003

deb. I wanted to say that I understand how you feel. I've seen a lot of death, but have been very lucky to have kept even my grandparents alive, but last year, they fell. One after the other, like dominoes. Lost 4 in a year, and each hurt more than the one before. I was very upset. My grandfather on my mothers' side was the worst, because he lived with my folks for the last half of the year (it was that, or LTC). His wife (my grandmother) was the first in the year, happened while I was halfway through RN Fundamentals. He had prostate CA, and towards the end, would rarely move (consequently, developed ulcers on his bottom). I set a goal to make his bottom healthy, and am proud to say that he had good skin integrity when he died. I rushed home from the hospital I work at, to make sure that he didnt have diapers on, and was clean, before the funeral home picked him up.

It was the least I could do.

NurseWeasel · Jan 5, 2003

Awwwww, Gromit! You touched my heart with your story! You are a sweetie and I honor your dedication to family. ((hugs))