abusive relationship/advice

CathRN · Nov 25, 2005

OURN83 - get out now! I know that sounds really harsh, it may not be what you want to hear but I know, been there, done that. I stayed in an emotional and mentally abusive relationship because I wanted my son to know his father, I never knew mine and I didn't want my son to go through that. I wish now that I had gotten out when he first started the abuse. My ex always told me that I was too stupid to be a nurse. I'm in last few weeks of my second semester of a three semester accelerated transition course. There are times where I want to send him a copy of my transcripts and ask him "who is stupid now". My ex is in prison for the rest of his life for molesting and sexually abusing his 8 yrs. step-daughter. He married the last woman I caught him with.

For your own mental and emotional health and the mental and emotional health of your children, I strongly advise to leave him now.

It is not easy, it is very difficult. There are all kinds of support groups out there. I did it on my own, it was very hard, but I had my family to help me through the really tough times.

I am now very happily married to a wonderful man. I always swore that I would never allow a man to have the power to hurt me again, but, when I met my honey, it all changed. I just want you to know that there are good, decent men out there. Don't jump from one relationship to another, give yourself time. Do what is smart for you and your children.

Remember, we are here for you. There are a lot of women out there that have been where you are now. (((((((((HUGS)))))))))

Lisa CCU RN, RN · Nov 25, 2005

When we would fight, he would leave and threaten suicide. This went on for a total of 14 years. Quote Lori Mad

That's too funny because my husband did the EXACT same thing. He disappeared for 3 days and made it look like he had taken a whole package of sleeping pills and called me while I was at work and told me he was going to take them. We were separated and he was living with another woman. I was becoming friends with another man and when my husband found out he starts acting interested again. Then he goes nuts calling everyone and saying he was going to kill himself. All these people were calling me and saying what an evil b***** I was for not talking to him. I knew better though. My husband was not gonna do it--he was doing the equivalent of throwing a hissy fit just like a child that doesn't get their way. I called the cops to go over to the girl's house he was staying with and check on him. Of course he was still breathing. But, like I said he disappeared for 3 days and left an empty package of sleeping pills and called me and said he was going to take them. I told him go right ahead. So everyone thought I was being evil. He had a way of making me look like the bad guy. No one ever thought to ask why he didn't get sick or end up in the ER if he took them. He's 6 feet and 135 for goodness sake! Anyway, this is the second time he said he'd kill himself over me and he did it once over the girl he was with before me by slitting his wrists. I am still trying to get away from him for good. I wish I had money for a divorce, but I don't.

Is there a psych nurse who is reading this thread that could explain why these men act so similiarly neurotic? I spoke to my counselor I used to go to and she said my husband sounded like he had anti social disorder and I couldn't agree more after I read the traits.

MadRedneckRN · Nov 25, 2005

Is there a psych nurse who is reading this thread that could explain why these men act so similiarly neurotic?

Funny, I am a psych nurse!!! That was part of the problem for me. I kept trying to "fix" him. There are all kinds of personality disorders that fit. I think my "darling ex" had boarderline personality disorder. It's not typical for men, but he certainly had all of the traits. The strange thing is, I never was really angry. I felt sorry for him until I stopped feeling anything. Strange...

I view him as a former patient now. I haven't seen or heard from him in 4 years.

Lori

shadowrose81 · Nov 26, 2005

I am in a mentally abusive relationship. I am 22, have 2 kids and i'm trying to make it through school. It is getting so tough. I don't know where to begin telling you how awful he is. He is very short tempered. Sometimes he will scream at our babies when they are "getting on his nerves". He constantly tries to control me. Always asks me questions, will look at all the places i've been looking at on the internet, smells my breath when I get home from school at night, asks me what we talked about in class as if quizzing me to make sure I was really there. He is awful. He has NO reason to do these things to me I have never done him wrong infact, he has done me wrong many many times. Cheated on me when I was pregnant I know of 3 different girls and those are just the ones i found out about, who knows how many more. And I say girls because they were all around 15. He is 25. He is disgusting. He also smokes pot and the only reason I haven't made him quit is because he is so much worse when he doesn't have it. I am sorry I am posting this on here but I need advice, no one in my family wants to talk to me about it because they don't know what to tell me. I never wanted to get a divorce because I wanted to be one of the few couples who stay together because I was 3 when my parents divorced and I was so saddened by that. I can't stand the thought of my children feeling like I did. I want him to get help but he is so unwilling. I have mentioned us going to church but he tells me his opinions of it and tries to make me feel like he does. I was raised catholic, but I am ridiculed by him if I try to talk about my beliefs he puts down the church. That is just an example, he also did this over my friends, which I don't have anymore. Anyone I look at when we are out he will make a joke about them. He is so evil.
has anyone been here? what did you do? Is there any helping him?
It is a lot easier for me to stay with him until I get out of school and am on my feet. What do you think about this?

I used to think there was always a black and white answer to questions like these. I have learned that, though the outcome might seem obvious to others, it still leaves the person experiencing such unfortunate situations at a loss and filled with many emotions; fear, saddness and doubt. The right answer seems so simple, and yet so hard at the same time. If you ask anyone, they'll say, without a doubt: Yes, leave him. However, "Yes, leave him." leaves you with a lot of questions: What about school? What about money? What about my kids? So many others... It's not as easy at it seems. The thing you have to realize is: You can do it.

In essence, you can worry about all the questions in the world. Worrying won't help you, but "doing" will. You need to believe in yourself in order to get yourself out of this harmful relationship (and it is--not only to you, but to your children and how they see relationships in the future--and so many other reasons too!). You need to set aside the fears and the questions you'll have if you do decide to leave him. Look for the strength inside yourself and rise above all the doubts your mind is plagued with. Although, it is difficult to face the undeniable truth that your children (and possibly yourself) will be saddened by the divorce/breakup of their parents, it will be better for them in the long run.

Basically, you know it's not a healthy relationship. You know you should (and want to) leave him. But the real question is: how? How do you get out of there when you have so much at stake?

You just have to take a chance and believe in yourself and believe everything will be okay. Because it will be okay and you will survive out there without him. You can do it! We all know you can. Yes, it'll be scary. But toss aside the fear and embrace your freedom; the freedom you long to have, for yourself and your children. A freedom without probing questions and hateful mind games. Just think of looking back and thinking, "I did that and I survived." It's a great feeling. :balloons:

You can do it!

Also (Edit): It isn't your job to help him any longer. You can't. Not because you don't have great qualities or anything like that (because you have wonderful, strong qualities!); only because some people just can't be helped or don't want to be. It's no longer your job to help him. You have to think of your schooling and your children. If he wants help, he can find it elsewhere. I really know you can do this. Let us know how you're progressing with this. Keep us updated!

giada23 · Nov 26, 2005

I was in a relationship like that for 5 years. I had been with him since I was 16 years old. He used to always say that I was worthless because I didn't have a job. He used to never be at home and then when he was at home he would be sleep. He never used to accuse me of having sex with anybody though, he used to say that he wished that I would find a boyfriend so I would leave him alone. I was always crying and couldn't figure out why he was treating me like garbage. It was like he took pleasure in playing with my emotions. He never did want to marry me. He would say we would get married next June or some crap like that and when next June would come and I would say something about it he would be like, "Oh I am not ready yet". He also was cheating on me with 14 and 16 year old girls. He is still with one of them now and he has a child by her. He has done soo many horrible things to me, he even gave me two venereal diseases at once and had me in the hospital sick. I thought I was having a gallbladder attack and turns out I had pelvic inflammatory disease. I have tried on numerous occasions to kill myself, and my self esteem was in the toilet. I didn't leave actually though, he left, and I am glad. I begged him not to go, but he left and we have been apart now for 3 years. Now he wants to come back home because I now have an excellent paying job and I am doing so well by myself. I have two children by this idiot and he doesn't even help me take care of them. I say leave, but make sure you have a plan in place before you do. I think it is easy for everyone to say leave, get out now, but where are you going to go when you do decide to leave. Everybody has such a warped view on spousal abuse. The shelters are closed and they are not accepting anymore people, and if your are lucky enough to get into a shelter, those places are so dismal and degrading, that you just feel like where you were at wasn't so bad after all. I have written several letters to the govenor of the state that I live in about the awfulness of the how some of these places that are getting government funded monies to help women and children in need are treating them soo poorly. This subject is real taboo. You should never stay in a relationship that is toxic for the childrens sake. I know I put my babies through hell watching me yell and curse out their father, or seeing me crying, or wondering where their mother is when I was in the icu after trying to kill myself. It just isn't worth it. My mother put me through the same thing with her husband, who was verbally, and physically abusive to her as well as me. He punched me in the mouth and knocked out two of my front teeth when I was thirteen. I still hold my mother responsible for that because if she had of paid attention to the signs that he was crazy, that would have never happened to me. I spent the rest of my teenage years in foster care because of that. So even if you don't do it for yourself, do it for your children. You never know how all of this will affect them in the long run. I am an adult now, but that stuff is still affecting me in my adulthood now.

miss_loretta_rn · Jun 27, 2007

Hey! We never heard a follow up! How are things with you, did you leave the JERK!!