I want OUT!!!!

Nurses New Nurse

Published

Ok, here's the story. I don't want to put too much detail into this story due to my idenity.

I am a new grad and accepted a position in an ICU. I have had several preceptors and I just don't think nursing is for me. I've come home every single morning in tears, worrying about what I didnt get done, wondering how I performed as a nurse the night before. I cry before I have to go to work and last week, I actually vomited before I went into the hospital.

I am always stressed out and all I do on my days off is sleep. I snap on my family and I don't want to be bothered. One preceptor told me she didnt think I am a good fit for the ICU and I should consider another field of nursing. I was crushed! I can feel really good about something I've caught (like a change in an assessment or abnormal lab values) and then I'm told something like I need to relax and not "jump" and call the doctor at every "little" thing. This has really caused a blow to my self confidence as a nurse and I really question my ability as a nurse and if nursing is really for me.

Last week, I was told by a coworker that I don't "socialize" enough and that I'm "antisocial". I don't want to sit around and gossip about people. I try to read protocols or study my drips, or try to get my paperwork done for the dayshift so I dont have a "list" of things that I forgot to do when I come in the next day.

I hate it. I hate the culture of nursing. I really don't think I want to be a nurse anymore. I have been desperately searching for another job, any job so I can leave. I fear for my license and I fear for my patients. I fear I may not "catch" something and it may cause my pt to die. I struggle with my nursing judgment. I fear I may make a mistake and kill someone. I want out. I can't take this anymore. I'm having nursing dreams and I've lost 5 lbs from not eating because I have no appetite. I'm still in orientation and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, knowing they will fire me after I get off. I want out before they do. I can't take this anymore.

Nope...didn't miss a thing. But what I do know is what it feels like to be a new nurse and have someone that has about 800 years in the game telling you to suck it up. Patients are sicker and nursing is way different then it was even 5 years ago...so yeah... I said it. PACU is on some different stuff... I don't care what your background is. LOL!

Specializes in M/S, MICU, CVICU, SICU, ER, Trauma, NICU.
Nope...didn't miss a thing. But what I do know is what it feels like to be a new nurse and have someone that has about 800 years in the game telling you to suck it up. Patients are sicker and nursing is way different then it was even 5 years ago...so yeah... I said it. PACU is on some different stuff... I don't care what your background is. LOL!

yes, true and nursing schools use to be really good.

This would've never happened years ago. There were no Versants. No Residency programs.

Nope the nurses coming out (especially the diploma grads) had minimal transition issues.

It is all about the money, now and everything is to be learned AFTER working. What a shock. There is no ONE year. Now it is many, many years.

Learning to cope in a stressful environment is nothing new. If you are not well equipped and people just say it's going to get better--that doesn't do a thing. The question is HOW????

Your need to "fight" or "flight" kick in and your brain senses the stress. So much so that it impacts her vomiting center in her brain.

Now that is bad. So what is the solution? Medicate? Up to her.

How about tempering her response... centering? Finding a zen place? That's the same thing as basically toughening up.

It will be up to her to figure out her ultimate goal. I know for a fact, having started nursing as a youngster, I would'n't let anyone, nor anything get in my way. No one gave me a hard time I DIDN'T ALLOW.

I always responded professionally, but I never hesitated to always EXPECT respect and my communication skills were up to par.

I always endeavored to find an assertiveness training class, and take it. I didn't allow self-esteem issues get in the way because that just impeded my progress. So I tuned out ALL NEGATIVE SELF COMMENTS.

This kind of stress is REALITY. You either FIGHT IT. OR fly.

Which one does she want to do? How will it impact her career? How will it impact her life?

It is much, much too early to make this decision based on FEAR.

Yes, FEAR.

My children know this and are risk-takers--FEAR is secondary to them. I would like to extend that life learning lesson to someone who needs it--who has never learned it.

When an opportunity comes your way, it is always a choice to accept the challenge. Weathering the storm of the challenge is the key. Of course, if it becomes unsafe that is a different story.

Not so in this scenario. I've read so many who want to give up so easily. I do not understand it. What is happening to the spirit of LETS DO THIS?

Specializes in M/S, MICU, CVICU, SICU, ER, Trauma, NICU.
Nope...didn't miss a thing. But what I do know is what it feels like to be a new nurse and have someone that has about 800 years in the game telling you to suck it up. Patients are sicker and nursing is way different then it was even 5 years ago...so yeah... I said it. PACU is on some different stuff... I don't care what your background is. LOL!

And I wouldn't talk about PACU--it's It's obvious you haven't done it.

Stick to what you know in your 3.5 years.

I sure haven't done it. Maybe one day I will. As far as my 3.5 years... I learn everyday. Not sure I'll be here in 50 years just because I may not want to. But while I'm in the game I'll try to keep those that continue to join the profession feeling like they have a place. Not eating my young. ;)

then do this:

When is your next workday? Plan on making it through that shift. Make a list and check it off.

Do the same for the next shift.

Do the same for the next shift.

ONE DAY/SHIFT AT A TIME.

When you make it through a month. Make a visual of it (calender) and post it on your refrigerator. Do the same for the next month.

Do that for 1, 2, 3,4,5,6 months....do it until you stop throwing up. Then put all of your calendars into a book. Make it a memorabilia and show it to YOUR preceptee.

MAKE YOURSELF NOT THROW UP.

Put on your toughest skin and pray (I pray each day I go to work that I won't hurt someone unintentionally and yes I believe there are Guardian Angels that have saved me from doing so)....

At the end of the day. Cry, Go to Yoga, Go do kickboxing. Scream into a pillow. Show your TEEN How YOU cope. He/She will learn. Do it together.

YOU CAN DO THIS. Many of us Have.

Don't just say you will.....

DO IT. JUST DO IT. I'm not going to baby you (I will give internet hugs)...just know that you are tougher then these people.

Politics? It's everywhere....

I am like a horse, and put on blinders. Do your best, and know that God watches everything you do.

That's all that counts. This is your test. You can pass......

:yeah:

And oh yeah, I've lasted 17 years going on 18...so yeah, I think I've got some experience to back me up.

Thanks for the advice! I know I'm alot stronger than I give myself credit for.

I used to go to the gym after work, now all I do is go straight home and cry. I have to get back to going to the gym. I used to dance for cardio and I loved my kickboxing classes. Now, I don't have enough energy to hit a bag.

I'm taking it one day/shift at a time. My main goal is to keep my pts alive for my shift. As long as I can do that, I know I'm ok. My critical thinking skills will come in time. Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I can't expect to know everything, but I do know when something is not right.

One good year is all I need. That is the light at the end of my tunnel. I got 7 more months to go.

Specializes in M/S, MICU, CVICU, SICU, ER, Trauma, NICU.
I sure haven't done it. Maybe one day I will. As far as my 3.5 years... I learn everyday. Not sure I'll be here in 50 years just because I may not want to. But while I'm in the game I'll try to keep those that continue to join the profession feeling like they have a place. Not eating my young. ;)

It is a good specialty. I must say...and good..eating the young is not a good thing. But giving up because people give you a hard time? Not good either.

The environment is tough. But if she loves it...she will have to learn...and someday, she will teach others how NOT to do it the "old" way.

I was "eaten alive". I cried everyday, it lasted a year...but I was so determined.

Then when I became a preceptor, I did a "what not to do."

It is my endeavor to NEVER let fear get in the way of people's goals. WE can't change the PEOPLE. (yes, slowly the culture changes), but it is a long, hard road.

but we can change our reaction. That is alway the key to every life situation. Being able to deal with what is thrown at US.

YOU did it.

She can to.

And good job, BTW.....

Specializes in M/S, MICU, CVICU, SICU, ER, Trauma, NICU.
Thanks for the advice! I know I'm alot stronger than I give myself credit for.

I used to go to the gym after work, now all I do is go straight home and cry. I have to get back to going to the gym. I used to dance for cardio and I loved my kickboxing classes. Now, I don't have enough energy to hit a bag.

I'm taking it one day/shift at a time. My main goal is to keep my pts alive for my shift. As long as I can do that, I know I'm ok. My critical thinking skills will come in time. Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I can't expect to know everything, but I do know when something is not right.

One good year is all I need. That is the light at the end of my tunnel. I got 7 more months to go.

PM me if you need some encouragement. YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU CAN.

Yes, perfectionists and gifted and caring people, yes....we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. You are going to be a good nurse.

Give yourself time. Go back to the gym.

And YOU CAN DO THIS......

It is a good specialty. I must say...and good..eating the young is not a good thing. But giving up because people give you a hard time? Not good either.

The environment is tough. But if she loves it...she will have to learn...and someday, she will teach others how NOT to do it the "old" way.

I was "eaten alive". I cried everyday, it lasted a year...but I was so determined.

Then when I became a preceptor, I did a "what not to do."

It is my endeavor to NEVER let fear get in the way of people's goals. WE can't change the PEOPLE. (yes, slowly the culture changes), but it is a long, hard road.

but we can change our reaction. That is alway the key to every life situation. Being able to deal with what is thrown at US.

YOU did it.

She can to.

And good job, BTW.....

And I'm gonna do it and get through it! Thanks for the encourgement!

When I become a preceptor, I will know what NOT to do. I do not believe in baptized by fire teaching. Although I am a hands on learner and it takes me doing things over and over again, I do catch on eventually.

I KNOW I can do this! Hell, if I went through 2.5 years of pure hell called nursing school, left a very stable job making more than I am now as a RN, almost lost my home to foreclosure because I didnt get a job right out of nursing school, passed my boards on the first try with 75 questions, THEN I know I can get through this.

Ok Jo...you just gained 50 cool points for that. lmao... I was wondering about you for a minute. You were seeming kinda suspect...lol. I've run into some serious nurses with that "I've been doing this for 7 lifetimes and here you come with your wet ink on the license" type attitudes. I'm like, "dang...don't we all have to start somewhere?" And it's so hard to stay in the profession but it always seems like when you try to go to someone who has some time vested, they want to tell you to "suck it up!". So then people quit. We are short staffed and the older get more evil and the younger get thrown in and mistakes get made because of lack of experience. I have dodged the whole "charge nurse" thing my whole 3.5 years just because when I go to my charge nurse, I need them to have been there and done that on at least a few things. Hell, what good does it do to have a charge nurse that hasn't even been in a code? Trust me, I've seen some that haven't. Scary stuff. Anyway, you're cool. Sorry I was ready to be mean to you. LOL! You seem like a firecracker like myself.

Short people rule!!! lol (not sure how tall you are, but I'm under 5'0 so I have my nepolian complex to uphold)

Specializes in CVICU.

You've gotten some pretty good advice here. I'd take something from all of it - JoPACURN makes good points about toughening up. I think there can be a happy medium. ICU tends to be a tough orientation because often, there's not time for coddling. When something needs to be done now, you do it or get out of the way for someone else to do it. That doesn't mean it's not a good learning environment for a new grad. I'm 3 years out of nursing school and I, too, started (and continue) my career in CVICU.

It's entirely probable that you had a personality conflict with your first preceptor. It happens. Not everybody likes each other or works well together, and you did the right thing to try to rectify that situation. To complain about the current status quo, though, risks you appearing to be a whiner. Since I can't elaborate or give you any better advice than what others here have said, I'll just tell you what my experience was and hope that it helps you.

I was extremely fortunate to get hired as a new grad into a unit in which the nurses, both day and night shift, truly work as a unit. When we get a fresh open heart to recover, it's not just the patient of the nurse assigned to it, it's everybody's patient. If the heart is stable, no biggie. If it's unstable, we are ALL there to help the primary nurse. It's that way with other patients as well. I could not have asked for a more supportive environment. Despite this, I was terrified to go in to work every day. I would arrive at the hospital a half hour early and literally sit in my car in the garage, talking myself out of turning around and going home. I'd force myself to walk in, dreading the day ahead, constantly afraid that a doctor would belittle me or I'd do something so stupid that I'd the target of the week's gossip.

Early on in my orientation a coworker said something to me that alleviated my fears quite a lot, and it was something so simple she probably doesn't even know the effect it had. It was simply this: "The first 6 months absolutely sucks. You'll hate it. Then, it will suck a little less every day. And one day, you won't even think about it anymore." It was good to know that everyone starts in the same boat. Lots of us (the smart ones, anyway) were terrified at the beginning. It's good to be scared - it makes you a better nurse. Use your fear to get you through this. The bad stuff happens all the time - but the good outweighs it.

Good luck - if you weren't a conscientous person with a desire to learn, you wouldn't be posting your concerns. You're going to be successful, just remember there are plenty of us who cried in private and didn't want to set foot in the door for even one more day who got through it and are doing just fine!

You've gotten some pretty good advice here. I'd take something from all of it - JoPACURN makes good points about toughening up. I think there can be a happy medium. ICU tends to be a tough orientation because often, there's not time for coddling. When something needs to be done now, you do it or get out of the way for someone else to do it. That doesn't mean it's not a good learning environment for a new grad. I'm 3 years out of nursing school and I, too, started (and continue) my career in CVICU.

It's entirely probable that you had a personality conflict with your first preceptor. It happens. Not everybody likes each other or works well together, and you did the right thing to try to rectify that situation. To complain about the current status quo, though, risks you appearing to be a whiner. Since I can't elaborate or give you any better advice than what others here have said, I'll just tell you what my experience was and hope that it helps you.

I was extremely fortunate to get hired as a new grad into a unit in which the nurses, both day and night shift, truly work as a unit. When we get a fresh open heart to recover, it's not just the patient of the nurse assigned to it, it's everybody's patient. If the heart is stable, no biggie. If it's unstable, we are ALL there to help the primary nurse. It's that way with other patients as well. I could not have asked for a more supportive environment. Despite this, I was terrified to go in to work every day. I would arrive at the hospital a half hour early and literally sit in my car in the garage, talking myself out of turning around and going home. I'd force myself to walk in, dreading the day ahead, constantly afraid that a doctor would belittle me or I'd do something so stupid that I'd the target of the week's gossip.

Early on in my orientation a coworker said something to me that alleviated my fears quite a lot, and it was something so simple she probably doesn't even know the effect it had. It was simply this: "The first 6 months absolutely sucks. You'll hate it. Then, it will suck a little less every day. And one day, you won't even think about it anymore." It was good to know that everyone starts in the same boat. Lots of us (the smart ones, anyway) were terrified at the beginning. It's good to be scared - it makes you a better nurse. Use your fear to get you through this. The bad stuff happens all the time - but the good outweighs it.

Good luck - if you weren't a conscientous person with a desire to learn, you wouldn't be posting your concerns. You're going to be successful, just remember there are plenty of us who cried in private and didn't want to set foot in the door for even one more day who got through it and are doing just fine!

I am very lucky to have landed a position in the ICU. I am grateful.

I'm not a whiner, I've been keeping my thoughts bottled up for a while now. If I have to cry at work, it's in the bathroom. I've always had a "poker face" (came from years of actually player poker LOL), so I tend to not show much on the outside, but in the inside, I'm scared to death.

Whenever I get advice or feedback from the preceptor, I just say "ok thanks for telling me that" and I write it down in my folder. I smile when I get my constructive feedback. I also thank them for that as well and write suggestions in my folder.

It's nice to know I'm not alone in my feelings. I look at some of the other new grads and they seem so relaxed. So I thought it was only me who was feeling this way.

This is a old post wondering how your doing?

There are many things you can do in the field, it sounds like you were in the wrong job.Did you QUIT, and find another specialty. That is the beauty of Nursing you can work in lots of different positions and it sounds like the group your with has a click.

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