First loss...

Me again- new OB nurse (now officially off of orientation for 3 weeks!). It has been a lot of ups and downs for sure, but last night might have been the worst.

My colleagues continue to be outstanding and I only feel like I'm drowning about half the time:). But the other night was particularly crazy and my second pt. ended up being a woman who was in active PTL at 29 wks w. fever. Mom and baby were both really tachy (FHR in 190's!) and mom ended up in a c-section.

There were lots of people in the OR, including 3 docs from NICU. Baby was only 3lbs4oz and had to be intubated right away. This was pretty much my first time seeing any of these things and it was all pretty overwhelming and upsetting.My colleagues kept reassuring me that the baby would probably be fine, but then apparently last night he tanked. I knew it was over when I saw the chaplain......

I feel so awful. Apparently mom and baby were both septic,but still....I can't help but wonder if there wasn't anything I could have done......

How do you all cope with this? I still haven't talked to the family and feel bad about that too....I wasn't sure that anything I could say wouldn't just make it all worse.....

Thanks for listening.....

First off let me say I am sorry - that is hard.

Second of all, I believe that is often a normal reaction, especially the first time (I remember mine, and that's what it was like for me too) - what could I have done, did I miss something, could this have been prevented, etc. After all that's what we're there for right?

It will gradually get better but don't let yourself be TOTALLY hardened. A good nurse cares.

Thanks for writing - just - don't be too hard on yourself!

xo

I have no experience with your situation but most institutions will have a critical incident stress debriefing when deemed necessary which really involves the parties involved talking about the situation. I would inquire about it. My girlfriend had a tough loss in the PICU where she works and really could have used some support but was looked over because no one spoke up, so i would speak up to your manager because some other employees may be having difficulty coping as well.

Gotta learn to get a little bit of a tough skin, I know it sounds kinda heartless but it's works. But you need to deal wit it properly. Letting it go and just supressing it will end up making things worse in the long run, trust me. I've done EMS since I was 17 so you can only imagine the things I've seen.

I have no personal experience-- just wanted to send you hugs. That must have been really hard.

There is nothing you can say that can make it worse, it's about as bad as it can get now for the parents. Just going in to the family and saying "I'm sorry" is meaningful. If you cry with them a little, that's OK. Many family members will try to tell her to just get over it, or that she's lucky the baby was so premature so that she wasn't as attatched to it as she would have been if she'd gone full term. It's amazing the stupid things people can think of to say. If you go in and just say you're sorry and sit there with her (or them) and just BE there with them, that's so important.

Resolve Thru Sharing is a group dedicated to helping parents and families deal with the loss of a child. Look for information about them. Is there a group in your hospital? It's really helpful.

It's sad and although we become--I don't want to say used to it or hardened to it, we learn how to cope with it. But we hopefully never get to the point where we feel nothing when that happens.

Talk with your coworkers about how they have dealt with similiar situations. I'll bet they all remember their first demise too. You'll be fine, feel the pain and move thru it.

Me again- new OB nurse (now officially off of orientation for 3 weeks!). It has been a lot of ups and downs for sure, but last night might have been the worst.

My colleagues continue to be outstanding and I only feel like I'm drowning about half the time:). But the other night was particularly crazy and my second pt. ended up being a woman who was in active PTL at 29 wks w. fever. Mom and baby were both really tachy (FHR in 190's!) and mom ended up in a c-section.

There were lots of people in the OR, including 3 docs from NICU. Baby was only 3lbs4oz and had to be intubated right away. This was pretty much my first time seeing any of these things and it was all pretty overwhelming and upsetting.My colleagues kept reassuring me that the baby would probably be fine, but then apparently last night he tanked. I knew it was over when I saw the chaplain......

I feel so awful. Apparently mom and baby were both septic,but still....I can't help but wonder if there wasn't anything I could have done......

How do you all cope with this? I still haven't talked to the family and feel bad about that too....I wasn't sure that anything I could say wouldn't just make it all worse.....

Thanks for listening.....

How are you doing now, ibambamama?

Thanks so much for all the support. I was also able to reach out to some of my friends who are also nurses, one of whom has been working in Peds Onc. for the past 2.5 years - I don't know how she does it....

Sadly, I didn't get a chance to see the parents as I wasn't back at the hospital for a few days and by that time they were gone. I think our hospital has a pretty nice memorial service once a year for all the fetal and infant losses,so hopefully I will get a chance then.

Thanks again for listening everyone.

Thanks so much for all the support. I was also able to reach out to some of my friends who are also nurses, one of whom has been working in Peds Onc. for the past 2.5 years - I don't know how she does it....

Sadly, I didn't get a chance to see the parents as I wasn't back at the hospital for a few days and by that time they were gone. I think our hospital has a pretty nice memorial service once a year for all the fetal and infant losses,so hopefully I will get a chance then.

Thanks again for listening everyone.

Oh my gosh, peds onc? Yeah I wouldn't be able to do that either

Glad you are all right!

:aln: You are not alone--we are always here. If I were close to you, I would offer you my shoulder and give you a big hug.....Take care and be well

There is nothing you can say that can make it worse, it's about as bad as it can get now for the parents. Just going in to the family and saying "I'm sorry" is meaningful. If you cry with them a little, that's OK. Many family members will try to tell her to just get over it, or that she's lucky the baby was so premature so that she wasn't as attatched to it as she would have been if she'd gone full term. It's amazing the stupid things people can think of to say. If you go in and just say you're sorry and sit there with her (or them) and just BE there with them, that's so important.

Resolve Thru Sharing is a group dedicated to helping parents and families deal with the loss of a child. Look for information about them. Is there a group in your hospital? It's really helpful.

It's sad and although we become--I don't want to say used to it or hardened to it, we learn how to cope with it. But we hopefully never get to the point where we feel nothing when that happens.

Talk with your coworkers about how they have dealt with similiar situations. I'll bet they all remember their first demise too. You'll be fine, feel the pain and move thru it.

'

I cannot add anything that compares to this excellent post. Any of us who have been OB nurses long enough see situations like this and they break our hearts. I still remember the first perinatal loss in my career as if it were yesterday and I have seen quite a few since. What I recommend is what Nora suggested. Don't keep it bottled up. Talk to experienced and empathetic coworkers and mentors about how you feel and get their input on how they have learned to cope. Your sadness and self-questioning are understandable and unavoidable. But you will now have to work to move on from there to learn from such a situation and be a better nurse for it. My heart goes out to that family and to you, too. Be good to yourself in the meantime and KEEP TALKING.

Deb, RNC of 13 years' experience in perinatal nursing and also experienced in personal pregnancy losses myself

I'm so sorry. Fetal deaths are the worst. I can only offer how I deal with fetal demises or deaths. I know its sad to say but I've learned to deal with deaths by helping out with RTS(resolve through sharing). When I had my first stillbirth it was awful. I wanted to cry right along with the family but you are their backbone. You can help the family and yourself by making that memory box, taking pictures, clipping the infants hair. Trust me, in that hard time the family really appreciates everything that you do for them.