Fired After 50, Part III: It's Always Darkest Before Dawn
Third in a continuing series about a fiftysomething RN (me) who, through a trifecta of misfortunes, became unemployed at a time---both in history and in life---when finding a new job is harder than ever before. Follow along on the journey that is taking me down roads I'd hoped never to travel as I work on reinventing myself and my career once again.
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Well, if I've learned anything from this chapter of my life, it's to be grateful for the simple things that keep me going, even in the face of repeated disappointments and the ennui that tends to accompany an extended period of idleness.
Yesterday, I spent all of the afternoon and much of the evening at my old workplace, having been invited by the DNS to do the monthly MARs/TARs audit and get the new sheets ready for use on the first of the month. The reason it took me seven hours to do four or five hours' worth of work was that people were literally coming out of the woodwork to see and talk to me; I've been out for a month-and-a-half now, and folks I'd never even worked with were hugging me and asking if I was coming back to work. Comfortably ensconced in the resident care managers' office, I almost felt like a queen holding court as nurses, aides, laundry staff, even residents and family members got the word that I was "in the house".
Needless to say, this wasn't exactly conducive to close work, but it did my heart a world of good......something I needed more than the couple hundred bucks I picked up for the day. You see, being unemployed---even through circumstances that were nobody's fault---has a quiet but corrosive effect on one's self-esteem, although to be honest I didn't realize how demoralized I'd become until yesterday. In between job hunting, the physical limits imposed by my knee injury and subsequent surgery, and bouts of despair, I've put back on over twenty of the 60 pounds I'd lost over the previous 18 months, and I am NOT happy with myself for that. I've had a lifelong battle with compulsive overeating that I thought I'd finally beaten, and reality has once again smacked me upside the head. Everybody says "oh, you poor thing, of COURSE you're putting on weight, you're depressed and anxious and you're not moving around as much".....but I know it's no excuse for letting this happen to me again. Again. And I'd been doing so well for so long.
Sooooooo.....now I've got guilt heaped on top of depression on top of being terrified that I won't find a suitable job before we start having to sell off our possessions on Craigslist just to keep the lights on and the furbabies in kibble. That's why yesterday was such a blessing: it reminded me that I was a good nurse (and will be again if someone will give me a job!) and a decent human being who is loved and valued. There were several CNAs who told me they wanted me to let them know when I land somewhere, because they missed me and hated what happened to me, and they wanted to work with me even if they had to drive to another city to do it. (That didn't hurt my feelings a bit.) Even some staff members with whom I've never been especially close gave me big bear-hugs, invited me to concerts at their church, or sat down and asked me what I thought the future held for me.
And, it just so happened that the county psych nurse consultant, with whom I've had a very congenial professional relationship for many years, was there doing evals on a couple of my residents. She was extremely interested in the fact that I was looking for work and asked if I'd consider a local resident-care manager position. I asked who needed an RCM; she said the facility she had in mind didn't know it needed one, but that she would be recommending a change and I was her first choice. Naturally, I said I would---it's not my favorite job in the world, but I do know the MDS and associated paper work, and an endorsement from this lady is like gold: neither easily earned, nor easily ignored by the upper management of any LTC in a three-county area.
I usually prefer to eschew cliches, but my life experience has shown me time and time again that it's always darkest before the dawn. Maybe---just maybe---this will be the turning point. I've already had more disappointment in this job hunt than I thought I could handle, but now there is cause for just a wee bit of optimism.......at any rate, it's a possibility, and a possibility is waaaaaay better than nothing.
I feel kind of like a robin with one end of a ten-foot earthworm in its beak: the littlest nibble keeps me trying. And when I need to feel the love, all I have to do is pay a visit to Ye Olde Nursing Home instead of the hitting the refrigerator. Got to remember that. ?
