Finally Leaving Nursing...For Good!

[cocoa_puff]

Well, I did it. I turned in my two weeks notice. I'm finally leaving the nursing profession, for good. I had planned to do this months ago, but I decided to persevere a few more months to see if my opinion of nursing changed. It has not. These last few months fully confirmed for me that nursing is not where I belong in healthcare. I applied, interviewed and shadowed in various other nursing specialties, including ICU, outpatient clinics, case management, oncology/hospice, dialysis, and even outpatient psych, and none of these were right for me. I thought my problem with nursing had more to do with my specialty (cardiac step-down) being the wrong fit for me, but now I know that I honestly do not want to be a nurse, at all.

Like most nurses, I dislike the short staffing, high nurse to patient ratios, the demanding families with their unrealistic expectations, needy, rude, and manipulative patients, patient satisfaction surveys, the increasing demands being placed on nurses, healthcare politics and drama, and so on. I know I'm not alone on this. But I dislike the basic elements of nursing, I don't like my role in healthcare with so much responsibility and so little power.

Surprisingly, I don't mind patient care. I have no problem cleaning up a patient, helping them to the bathroom, feeding them, or cutting a little old lady's food for her. I have no problem doing this. I also like collaborating with MDs and NPs (well, most of them), I enjoy learning from them and trying to advocate for my patients. I have been told I do very well with critical thinking and problem solving. I don't mind charting. I absolutely love my dementia patients. These are the few positives I have with nursing.

Now on to the negatives.

My biggest issue in nursing is resuscitating a terminally ill patient, not because it is what the patient wants (I would not have a problem with the patient's own decision), but because the family is selfish, unrealistic, and refuses to let go. I have had several instances where a patient in a persistent vegetative state, with a trach, peg tube, and no quality of life is kept full code by family, even though the patient is in that state because family insisted that "everything be done." I have had several patients who died peacefully, were DNR, but family insisted that we "do everything" and we had to. I have serious moral and ethical issues with this.

On a smaller note, I'm a perfectionist, leaving work undone is extremely difficult for me. I dislike the routine of passing medications over and over again; how impossible getting everything done feels with 6 high acuity patient and the many issues and problems that come up; running around the entire shift with very little food and rarely my full 30 min break (considering that I've lost 10 lb since becoming a nurse, and I was underweight to begin with). Being genuinely uninterested in what I'm doing/learning as a nurse, while also feeling super stressed and overwhelmed. The lack of hard science in nursing also contributes to my lack of interest.

I also cannot stand dealing with constant issues for 12 hrs and "customer complaints" among the thousands of other things I need to do. I honestly dislike most of my patients (however, I never let this show). I absolutely hate talking with family members. I hate small talk with patients and dealing with patient/family drama. I hate getting blamed for everything (even if I have no control over it) and feeling like a human punching bag. I hate that I feel no connection or sympathy for 99% of my patients, and that nursing has made me see the worst in people. I always feel frustrated and angry. Every minute of my shift I hate it, and then I dread going back to work on my days off. Since becoming a nurse, I feel like I haven't been able to enjoy life anymore due to how much nursing drained me. After being diagnosed with anxiety/depression about 2 month ago (I was crying every day and getting to the point where I thought dying would be a relief - thankfully that has passed and is under control now), I realized I didn't want to live my life like this anymore, and for my physical and mental well-being, leaving nursing would be the best solution.

Since I've "officially" made the decision to leave nursing, I have felt better than I have in a long time. I feel alive again, like a weight has been lifted off my chest and I can finally breathe. I will always remember and value what nursing has taught me, but I sincerely believe that I am one of those people who is just not right for nursing. It does not mesh well with my personality, interests, and especially not my mental/physical health. I have the highest respect for nurses. Everyday, you are able to do what I cannot. I felt like a failure and a horrible nurse for a long time because of this, but I came to realize that it is best for myself (and my patients), if I find something else to do. I also realized that there is no shame that nursing is not right for me, as long as I did my best to take care of my patients, didn't let my disdain for nursing show, and continued to be a responsible and dependable employee while working as a nurse.

I'm going to be moving on to a new career, with no patient/family interaction and way more science involved (Masters in Biomedical Engineering). I'll still be around on allnurses because, well, I love you guys! :)

*Way Too Long to Read: I'm leaving nursing, it wasn't for me at all. I'll still be around. Nurses are awesome, thank you for all you do!!*

[Butterflypie]

Good Luck to you in your new endeavors! I enjoyed your post and joined this site just to reply. I too left nursing last year and sometimes question if this was the right thing. I almost feel like I'm letting people around me down in some way. My family has always been so proud that I became a nurse. I came into nursing as a second career after majoring in zoology out of high school and then leaving to work for a big company in purchasing. Science was always a passion; so after my last child was in grade school I decided to return to school. Your post really eloquently states all the reasons I also left and I am going to share this with my husband. It is really hard sometimes to put those feeling into words that others can understand, especially when they are not in the field.

I was in a major hospital step down/oncology unit for 4 years and hospice for 3 years. By the end of my first year in nursing I felt I made a mistake but stuck with it thinking I needed to give it time. I decided to switch to hospice after a friend had gone there and told me how happy she was. I really enjoyed my patients most of the time; in hospice the biggest difficulty can be family and some of the home environments you encounter, ie: bedbugs.

Each area of nursing had its own stresses. In the hospital I constantly felt rushed, stressed, tired, and a general feeling of dread before shifts and relief when they were over. Our staffing was consistently and issue, lack of CN support and uncaring management didn't help. In hospice I didn't feel as rushed and had more autonomy but soon started having emotional responses unlike myself. Crying, fear of dying, nightmares. I was not prepared for the emotional weight of dealing with families, especially unstable ones. I would question "seasoned" nurses about how they coped and it was almost like "what's wrong with you" type responses. They seemed ok even somewhat "hardened" and I thought maybe with time this will get easier. After 3 years I realized it's not, I was feeling depressed, sad and reclusive and this has never happened to me before and I'm in my 40's. I once had such a bad day that after work I stopped into a puppy store just to sit and pet puppies. My husband teased me but it helped that day at least.

I too felt a sense of relief like a weight was lifted when I left nursing. I really love science and have been struggling with "what now". Unlike you I do not have a definite direction to go in and that's why I came to this site, hoping to find some ideas. I am searching for what to do with my life/career and not sure where this will lead. I agree, I have utmost respect for all nurses and am trying to keep positive that nursing helped shape who I am today. Thank you for your post.

[RNNoMore]

I finally left nursing 4 years ago after experiencing severe burnout. I was only a nurse for around 8 years, but in that short space of time went from loving it (5 patients with a tech to help) to loathing it (7-8 acute care patients with no tech and the hospital giving the charge nurse a full load of patients so that they couldn't help either). 90% of our patients were either detoxing alcoholics (with associated hepatic encephalopathy, GI bleeds, end-stage cirrhosis), Uncontrolled hyperglycemia with insulin drips, other GI bleeds and related blood/platelet transfusions and preps for colonoscopy, suicide attempts/psych patients or dementia, not to mention at least 20% of our floor would be isolation. First my hospital started to increase patient loads, but they added video monitoring...then they got rid of the video montoring, increased patient loads more, then got rid of the unit secretaries and then sitters (unless for suicide watch), and then decided that 1 tech was sufficient for a floor of over 35 patients of extremely high acuity. Often we had no tech, or we would have to pull the tech we had to be a sitter, or float as a sitter to another unit. The hospital also decided to cut down on supplies so that every night we would have to scour other units for basic items like clean sheets, chucks and depends...that is if they were available...I often had to make my own chucks from an isolation gown with a couple of towels on top.

I went from being able to really care for my patients...washing a homeless guys socks and underwear by hand, so they were clean for discharge...holding anxious patients hands and really listening to their fears instead of pretending to listen while worrying about how I was going to get the rest of my charting done...being able to clean up a patient and make them comfortable straight away, rather than having to have them lie in their own mess for 30 minutes while I ran to other floors looking for clean sheets and waiting desperately for someone to have the time to help me lift and turn safely...making sure that my end of life patients never died alone...to running around in and out of patients rooms making promises that I could never keep. Bed Alarms going off 30 seconds after I left my patients room to get them pain meds, or my phone going off to tell me that a bed alarm was going off...in fact, bed alarms were going off at a rate of 20-40 times AN HOUR because almost every one of our patients were confused, detoxing or on Golytely prep and that was just the rate for my 7-8 patients, let alone the rest of the floor. And every other nurse on the unit was running at the same pace...no-one could either ask for or expect help from anyone else because we were all living the same hell.

So what did my hospital do? Falls were of course increasing...it is not physically possible to run to every one of those bed alarms and still do any actual nursing tasks. Patients were complaining because help was not available for turning, toileting...pain meds were late...heck ALL meds were late because a bed alarm going off is only secondary to a code blue in urgency. And forget about bed baths or showers or brushing teeth. So my hospital, in it's wisdom decided to start punishing the nurses. First "If a bed alarm goes off you MUST stop what you are doing and run to it". That of course conflicted with the "No interruptions are to be allowed when getting or giving medications", Then "Any falls will be followed up with a hearing and disciplinary action", and finally...because by now we were all staying behind at least 2 hours after the end of shift to START our charting (not just catch up) "If you clock out more than 10 minutes after the end of your shift you will be subject to disciplinary action", so we started clocking out and then doing our charting unpaid..."That is against the law and you cannot do that"

Anyway, like you I was crying, having nightmares, deep depression, taking pills to stay awake, pills to sleep, living off chocolate bars because no-one had time for a lunch break...One day I quit. Just quit, no notice at all. It was terrifying and guilt-ridden, but it was the best decision I have ever made. When my nursing license expired 18 months later I opened a bottle of Champagne and celebrated. I feel human again, I feel positivity and joy again, I have love and time to give to my family and others again. I actually have a life again, and boy did I miss that! No regrets.

[cocoa_puff]

Good Luck to you in your new endeavors! I enjoyed your post and joined this site just to reply. I too left nursing last year and sometimes question if this was the right thing. I almost feel like I'm letting people around me down in some way. My family has always been so proud that I became a nurse. I came into nursing as a second career after majoring in zoology out of high school and then leaving to work for a big company in purchasing. Science was always a passion; so after my last child was in grade school I decided to return to school. Your post really eloquently states all the reasons I also left and I am going to share this with my husband. It is really hard sometimes to put those feeling into words that others can understand, especially when they are not in the field.

I was in a major hospital step down/oncology unit for 4 years and hospice for 3 years. By the end of my first year in nursing I felt I made a mistake but stuck with it thinking I needed to give it time. I decided to switch to hospice after a friend had gone there and told me how happy she was. I really enjoyed my patients most of the time; in hospice the biggest difficulty can be family and some of the home environments you encounter, ie: bedbugs.

Each area of nursing had its own stresses. In the hospital I constantly felt rushed, stressed, tired, and a general feeling of dread before shifts and relief when they were over. Our staffing was consistently and issue, lack of CN support and uncaring management didn't help. In hospice I didn't feel as rushed and had more autonomy but soon started having emotional responses unlike myself. Crying, fear of dying, nightmares. I was not prepared for the emotional weight of dealing with families, especially unstable ones. I would question "seasoned" nurses about how they coped and it was almost like "what's wrong with you" type responses. They seemed ok even somewhat "hardened" and I thought maybe with time this will get easier. After 3 years I realized it's not, I was feeling depressed, sad and reclusive and this has never happened to me before and I'm in my 40's. I once had such a bad day that after work I stopped into a puppy store just to sit and pet puppies. My husband teased me but it helped that day at least.

I too felt a sense of relief like a weight was lifted when I left nursing. I really love science and have been struggling with "what now". Unlike you I do not have a definite direction to go in and that's why I came to this site, hoping to find some ideas. I am searching for what to do with my life/career and not sure where this will lead. I agree, I have utmost respect for all nurses and am trying to keep positive that nursing helped shape who I am today. Thank you for your post.

Butterflypie, thank you for sharing your experience. I feel honored that you would share my post with your husband. I agree that it is very hard to put into words this feeling towards nursing, and I have trouble explaining it to people.

Although I haven't been a nurse as long as you, I completely understand the fear of disappointing people who are so proud that I'm a nurse. I absolutely felt like I was letting everyone down: my family, my former nursing classmates, my nursing school, my coworkers and managers, etc. I still feel that way sometimes. But I knew that staying in nursing would be much worse, and leaving nursing doesn't make me a failure (I have to tell myself this everyday).

As for what direction you could go, you mentioned that you "really love science." I do too, especially the biotech, medical, and research aspect of it. You have a bachelor's degree in zoology, do you have an interest in working with animals? Have you looked into being a Veterinary Tech (2 year program) or Vet Assistant (certificate)? There is also research, and entry level positions usually require a bachelor's degree in a scientific field. You could also potentially teach biology or health science at a middle/high school (I think you would just have to get a certificate in order to teach).

I hope this helps!

[Beldar_the_Cenobite, CNA]

Hi Lev, I think Biomedical Science and Biomedical Engineering are the same, the program I'm looking into just calls it a different name. There are a lot of prereqs required though, calculus I, II, and III, physics, organic chemistry, in addition to the other sciences we already have through nursing. Competition to get into these programs is intense, but I think it will be a great fit for me and it's definitely worth looking into.

Engineers only build, simplify, and create new things. They don't take care of patients directly. Just like nurses can't build a Boeing 787.

Those classes are the weed out classes. I would be hard pressed to find people get high A's and expect an intense competition amongst others in their class. I know a lot of people who failed to get an A in O-chem. There are teachers who set the bar really high for students by using trick questions, etc. Those are the good teachers.

[cocoa_puff]

Engineers only build, simplify, and create new things. They don't take care of patients directly. Just like nurses can't build a Boeing 787.

Exactly why I want to leave nursing for biomedical engineering

I'm actually looking forward to the intense competition and the weed out classes. I took organic chemistry, physics, and calculus in high school (many years ago) back when I thought I wanted to go full pre-med, so at least I have that small base of knowledge to build upon.

[SmilingBluEyes]

I am sorry to see a good nurse leave, really I am. But you deserve joy and happiness and if that means leaving, good for you. Best wishes.

[cocoa_puff]

I am sorry to see a good nurse leave, really I am. But you deserve joy and happiness and if that means leaving, good for you. Best wishes.

Thank you so much :)

[stefy01]

Im in nursing school n yet already feel the same. Whenever I'm on clinicals my back litterally kills me for walking up n down 11 hours. Ive realised if I don't escape now my back won't live till I get 30 even.

[stefy01]

Can totally relate. By the time I graduate with my BSN I'll be 27 yet I know if I get a job in a hospital I won't last 6 months. Im so miserable going to clinicals

[djh123]

I don't know what the h**l I'm going to do either. I'm going to leave my LTC/rehab position of 4 years very soon, am going to do a ctrl-alt-delete on practically everything, and have little idea what I'll do later. Probably another type of nursing, or maybe another facility doing the same thing, but I'm afraid that if I do the latter I'll get burned out in that pretty quickly.

[LuKeeU]

Whew! Child... this post could make ALL future prospects run and duck for cover. Lol.

Hope that everything works out for ya. Lol.

[Spiker, ASN, RN, EMT-P]

Reading how you feel about nursing care - lack of hard science - seriously?? I'm glad you're leaving. It's good that you're being honest about it; you obviously don't have what it takes: empathy, caring, perserverance, dedication, organizational skills, time management, or people skills. Sad, but better off than doing a haphazard job for your patients & their families. Sorry if I sound a bit cold, uncaring, but I'm disappointed that you put in all those years of school for nothing. Peace, & good luck to you in finding a career that makes you feel good about yourself.