Final essay draft, what should be done to make this appealing.

[tlc1986]

This essay is for anursing program to a hospital . Please let me know what changes needs to be made to make this appealing of a essay to read.

It started out like any other day. The sound of my husband's footsteps pacing around the apartment in an attempt to race against time and leave the house before traffic accumulates. I gathered the effort to get myself out of bed and do the daily routines that I do before leaving for work.

The day consisted of opening my father's stores, performing inventory, closing weekly sales and later on attending a Manager's meeting at Subway World Headquarters. This has been my daily routine for the past few years. As the child of immigrant parents, I found it difficult to enjoy life since I had the commitment of managing my father's multi-chain stores. My intentions was not to lead such a life, however, after my father being diagnosed with prostate cancer, I made it my number one priority to help my him.

It was around 12:30 in the afternoon when I received the most awaited phone call. My best friend, Nicole, had gone into labor. There was sudden rush of adrenaline through my nerves and it was very hard for me to keep my excitement inside during the busiest hour of a restaurant.

After what seemed to be an infinite drive, I finally reached my final destination: South County Hospital in Wakefield, Rhode Island. I hastened my way to the appropriate room and waited alongside my family members for next ten hours.

During the last stage of birthing process, I was fortunate to be there and witness the birth of Aiden. In the hours before giving birth, Nicole was crying out of pain and my uncle pacing around the room unsure of how he could help lessen the pain. A sigh of relief came when the doctor said, "It's a boy!" and changed the tense atmosphere and produced smiles on everyone.

The most empowering moment of all was when a nurse handed the baby to his mother. It was in this precise moment that I saw nurses in different limelight. How wonderful of a feeling it is for a nurse to be involved in handing over a mother's child to her for the very first time. I was able to witness the hard work that nurses endured. The emotion that was displayed by them after Aiden's birth seemed so sincere and unforced even though they had partaken in many other births that day. This was the day that I decided to become a nurse and be present in a person's life from the day they were born.

Since that date, I embarked on obtaining information for nursing programs. I registered myself for six classes for Fall 2011 semester along with obtaining a Nursing assistant certificate and managing to work thirty hours per week. I had set myself a goal that I would fulfill all the need perquisites and submit my application before the deadline. My determination and hard work allowed me to grow as a candidate. Volunteering at the hospital has confirmed my ultimate goal of becoming a neo-natal nurse.

[leenak]

So your essay doesn't flow. Every sentence seems to be statements rather than a flowing essay. I'm guessing you have some guidelines about the essay that you need to write? something like "Explain why you want to be a nurse"?

If you helped your father, can you go into detail about that?

[writed]

Your essay is interesting to a casual reader, but I think your tone may be a little too informal for this purpose, and you have included too much unneccessary detail. If you were given guidelines for the essay, you might try making an outline first to be certain you have addressed every point. Make sure that every sentence serves a purpose. Good luck.